“It’s important to realize that he, like you, is a work in progress”

Moderated by Faigy Peritzman

When I first got married several years ago, my husband was a top guy in his chaburah — really serious about his learning and shemiras hamitzvos. I was completely on board with his dedication to minyan and his sedorim, and his dikduk b’halachah. This is what I wanted for myself and my family.

We have a few children by now, and I can pinpoint exactly when things started changing. When we had our third kid, I needed more of my husband’s help, which he gladly provided. He started davening at a later minyan to be able to help me get the kids out in the morning. A few weeks later, after things started falling back into schedule, I told him I’d be okay if he wanted to switch back to  his regular minyan. But he brushed me off, saying he really liked the guys in the new shul and really connected to them.

Things started spiraling downward from there. The “new guys” may have been nice people. but they certainly didn’t share my husband’s learning ethic or tight schedule, and I started noticing how much later he was going to yeshivah. Then he began to daven Maariv in this new shul as well. Maariv often stretched out to a “deep schmooze” as my husband described it, and he’d come home all pumped about “loving mitzvos as opposed to just living mitzvos.”

These thoughts may ring true in a solid mussar shmuess, but somehow sounded full of air when I wasn’t seeing any growth in avodas Hashem based on this approach. At the Shabbos seudos he shares new niggunim as opposed to new chiddushim. While I’m not against any of these practices alone, it just seems to me he’s become happy and enthusiastic about slogans and phrases, without anything to show for it in his shemiras hamitzvos.

What happened to the serious boy I married? I’m finding it harder and harder to relate to him and even to respect him. And I’m worried how this will impact our kids. They’re getting old enough to pattern themselves after their father’s behavior, and this is not the atmosphere I ever expected, nor do I appreciate it in my home.

Rabbi Ilan D. Feldman has served as the rav of Beth Jacob of Atlanta, Georgia since 1991.

You and your husband are clearly committed to creating a home built on the foundation of talmud Torah and careful observance of mitzvos. It’s very difficult when someone changes the rules of the game without discussion and prior notice. You count on your husband to provide leadership in that area, and he seems to have shifted significantly from your original model. And let’s be clear: there is no more noble enterprise in Am Yisrael than the diligent immersion in limud HaTorah with passion and discipline. You are to be admired for striving for that standard.

This is a delicate situation, and it requires a thoughtful and measured response. It’s not a black-and-white, right-and-wrong situation, such as when chas v’shalom a spouse gives up mitzvah observance. In this nuanced situation — and I know this sounds ominous — you can make the situation worse if you aren’t careful.

Your disappointment is legitimate and understandable, and the best approach available to you will not come naturally, and will seem counterintuitive. But the truth is that the dilemma you’re confronting represents an opportunity for personal growth and for growth in your marriage.