Research has shown that money is the number-one topic couples fight over

Money Talks

Abby Delouya RMFT-CCC, CPTT

It’s incredible how often Hashem orchestrates “opposites” in shidduchim. She’s neat, organized, and stressed by mess; he’s laid-back, sometimes forgetful, and doesn’t see mess. He’s extroverted, always the life of the kiddush; and she counts the minutes until that hour at night when everything is silent and she’s alone.

Then there’s the biggie: money. He sticks to a budget, likes to plan for the future, and thinks twice before spending; and she has a hard time budgeting and buys things on a whim. Research has shown that money is the number-one topic couples fight over.

Our childhoods deeply influence our financial outlook. Was money a sore spot? Did money have enormous value? People can either mimic their childhood financial environment or, just as frequently, rebel against it. Mom never let you have chocolate milk because it was a luxury? Chocolate milk may become your favorite drink as an adult. Restaurants or takeout was a once-a-year splurge? It might be a weekly indulgence for your mental health.

This is one of the reasons why money issues can be such a hot (and fiery) topic in marriage; when something has an emotional imprint — especially a painful imprint — from childhood, we feel a need to protect ourselves and our approach even more.

So here’s Chanie and Chaim stewing in different rooms because Chaim bought Chanie a gift for fun and she felt like it wasn’t something she needed or wanted. To make matters worse, several times that month Chanie chose to forgo more cleaning help and prepared food that could have made life easier because she wanted to save money. How could Chaim blow $50 on some random creams! Both are hurt and frustrated — and have no clue how to move forward.

How do we navigate this tricky topic, and the differences that can intensify during peak expensive times of the year? (Pesach, anyone?) Remember, having different backgrounds and approaches to money can be a positive situation as you can learn valuable lessons from each other. But first you need to shift from a place of conflict to one of learning and acceptance.

Here are some steps to help you along:

1. Communicate financial expectations, patterns, goals, and dreams early on. If you’re past early on, well, late is better than never! This means discussing: monthly and yearly expenditures (travel? eating out? Pesach hotel?) types of simchahs you’d like to make, retirement plans/style/age, etc. Even if some of this is rooted in dreams, it will still show the type of spender you are.

2. Share any history of debt, loans, or anything else that could impact the family.

3. Create a budget together. This might include “personal” money for individual discretionary choices — extras that don’t need to be approved by or discussed with your spouse as long as it’s within budget. (She puts it away for a rainy day and he buys his 67th drill bit kit? To each his/her own!)

4. Decide who manages what. Maybe it’s all one spouse, maybe categories are divided between you and the load is shared.

5. Discuss the financial environment you want to create together for your children. Choose the tone and vocabulary you want to use when discussing finances.

6. Be mindful that your spouse’s strong reaction to a purchase or even an idea may come from a difficult childhood experience — remember the phrase “if it’s hysterical, it’s likely historical” — and treat gently.

Obviously, finances are highly variable and personal; it depends on many factors, such as financial standing prior to marriage, support, number of dependents, cost of living, dual- versus single-income families, as well as cultural expectations as to who earns and manages money. Being aware that this topic is important, yet potentially loaded, is a great first step in positive financial communication.

Abby Delouya RMFT-CCC, CPTT is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice with a specialty in trauma and addiction. Abby lives in Monsey, New York, and maintains her practice in Canada.

“My Tummy Hurts”

Dr. Jennie Berkovich

Abdominal pain is an extremely common reason for visits to the pediatrician or emergency room.

Pain that’s sudden and worsens with movement is classified as “acute,” and should prompt investigation for emergencies, such as appendicitis or gallbladder inflammation.

But what about pain that lasts for weeks or months? Doctors classify this as “chronic abdominal pain,” and it’s often a source of frustration.

There are a number of possible causes:

☹ Constipation. Due to limited diet and preference for simple carbs, kids often don’t realize they’re constipated. I recommend increasing water, fruits, and vegetables, and decreasing simple carbs (like pasta). Adding a stool softener can also help.

☹ Gastritis. Food that is spicy, tomato-based, or has chocolate/caffeine can irritate the lining of the stomach. It’s usually localized at the top part of the stomach, and can feel like sharp or burning pain after eating. Following a diet that limits the offending foods can be helpful; however, sometimes medication is needed.

☹ Anxiety or stress. If pain is associated with events (like going to school) and seems to not be present at other times, it may be a good idea to explore what may be bothering the child, and discuss strategies to deal with stress and worry. A “pain journal” can be helpful to keep track of when the pain starts, how long it lasts, and how it resolves.

☹ Irritable bowel syndrome. This condition can manifest as vague pain, and loose stools or constipation — or both. This is a challenging diagnosis for kids, however it responds well to an improvement in diet and exercise.

Pain that’s associated with weight loss or poor weight gain should always prompt an investigation. Less common causes of abdominal pain like inflammatory bowel disease (Crohn’s, ulcerative colitis), celiac disease, and other conditions, should be ruled out.

While diagnosing the cause of abdominal pain in kids can be tricky, a good place to start is increasing hydration, eating more vegetables, getting enough sleep and exercise, and speaking to your child’s pediatrician to try to find the source.

Dr. Jennie Berkovich is a board-certified pediatrician and serves as the director of education for the Jewish Orthodox Women’s Medical Association (JOWMA) Preventative Health Committee.

Make Your Mark

Sara Eisemann

I'm not sharp enough

I'm not colorful enough.

Imagine trying to label your kids’ camp supplies with a crayon. Or sketching blueprints with a Sharpie. And how silly would it be to sign a million dollar contract with a #2 lead pencil?

The world is big enough to need the crayons, the markers AND the pencils. The world is big enough to need you and me AND everyone else, exactly the way we are.

Imagine if we knew that about ourselves — how easily we could know it about others, and how free we’d feel as a world to make our collective glorious mark!

Sara Eisemann, LMSW, ACSW, is a licensed therapist, Directed Dating coach and certified Core Mentor.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 788)