If you didn’t have to worry about money and could craft the perfect life, what would it look like? What brings you joy?

Kayla: Bigger kids, bigger expense

Russy: I want to stop wanting

Elisheva:  Frugal mom of twin toddlers

Tamar: Bills scare me

H

ey, ladies, so glad you’re back! Let’s start with reviewing the homework:

If you didn’t have to worry about money and could craft the perfect life, what would it look like? What brings you joy?

If you had ten million dollars, what would your life look like? How would things change?

Elisheva

If we didn’t have to worry about money, he’d sit in a library and write books. I would focus on raising the family. I would have my own garden with fruits and vegetables that I could give the community. I’d probably homeschool the kids as well, if I didn’t have to work.

On his side, with all the money in the world, he would allocate it to yeshivos and investments for the family. If our children want to do something, he wants them to have the funds to support it. I would do the same.

Tamar

I would still work because I’m the kind of person who needs to accomplish something outside the home, but I would definitely cut back my hours and take more cleaning help.

My husband’s dream has always been to move to Israel. One of our major barriers has always been family, but if we had enough money we could probably fly back and forth.

Russy

My husband said right away that he wants to go back to kollel. If it were up to me, I would do things that reduce stress in my life — whether cutting back on work (but not all the way) or ordering more takeout. I would reduce stress so I can be a better mother and raise happier kids.

Kayla

I would want my husband to be able to stop working. His job is fine, but not fulfilling. I’d love for him to be busy with something that makes him excited every morning.

Our discussion kept going back to the chinuch aspect of things. My ideal life would be where I can take the kids places and not be worried or anxious every time we want to do an activity. My husband’s response was, “But we don’t want to set the bar so high.”

So how do you balance giving your kids the ideal and still making sure they’re being raised well?

Tamar

I was just talking to my husband about that the other day. There were good tickets and my husband wanted to take a family trip. And I said that I don’t want to be that person taking the kids to Panama, even if it’s cheap.

Elisheva

My husband and I are not secretive, but we don’t say everything that we’re doing. Maybe go on vacation but keep it to yourself.

Russy

I think you can try to keep things quiet, but sometimes you have family members who are going to talk.

Rivky and Tsippi speak:

You’re hitting on something here. The “why” is important. If you want to go on vacation because that’s what the neighbors do, then you’ll eventually find a way to go on vacation. But meanwhile they’ve upgraded to a fancier one and then you’ll want that, too. But if you want to go on vacation because you want your kids to be exposed to adventure — you can do it right here, and it doesn’t even need to cost the money. There are ways to tick the adventure box without traveling, if you don’t have the funds for that right now.

It’s living the have-do-be model versus the be-do-have. The have-do-be model is saying, “When I have money, I’ll go on vacation, and then be stress-free.” Or, “When I have money, I’ll make my own garden and then be the person giving produce to neighbors.”

Have-do-be is always out of reach because we’re waiting to be that person. Let’s switch the mindset to be-do-have. “I’m a stress-free person, so I do things a stress-free person does.”

If the end result is spending time with my kids, how do I get there now without waiting for money?

If my goal is to be the kind of person who invests on a regular basis, how can I start doing it even with only a few dollars a week?

But before we think ahead, let’s go back into your history for a minute. Everyone’s gone to “money school.” It’s the way you grew up around finances, which is what taught you to believe and react the way you now do. It’s not always about your parents — sometimes your “school” is influenced by the community you grew up in, the friends you spent time with, or the places you went.

The following chart is from Rachel Cruze’s book Know Yourself, Know Your Money. The money school has four groups, or “classrooms,” across  two axes. Ask yourself these two questions, and then plot yourself on the graph.

Was money an open discussion or secretive?

Were those conversations or interactions stressful or calm?

The activity is not a blame game — it’s about awareness. If you know where you stand, you’ll have a better idea of both the mindset and practical hurdles standing between you and financial peace.

Kayla

My family wasn’t wealthy, but there was a lot of wealth around us. I mostly felt secure in my childhood financial situation, but also knew that we didn’t have as much as everybody else. My friends would often go on vacations, and I always knew we wouldn’t. At the same time, because my father had his own business there were definitely anxious times when it wasn’t doing as well.

Russy

If I had to pick one, it would be secure. I knew we were always okay, and my parents weren’t spenders so even if they had money, it wasn’t their personality to go on huge vacations. Money was talked about, and I knew when things were tight, but I never felt worried about it. They said we were fine, and I was happy with what we were told.

Tamar

I’m leaning toward the unstable category. My parents were more open than closed, but there were definitely periods of stress. I think my parents’ finances went in waves, depending on what their work situation was at the time. For the most part, they were pretty frugal. They instilled in us the value of a dollar — if there was something we wanted that they didn’t want to pay for, they’d encourage us to work for it ourselves. Things like that made me very aware, but I’m still leaning to “unstable.”

Elisheva

My mother was a single mom. She worked very, very hard to take care of me and my sisters, and she was open with me because I was the oldest. I’d hear her say things like, “It’s not in my budget.” But despite finances being tight, I don’t ever remember my mother being stressed about it. I always felt comfortable, knowing that she could take care of us.

Homework: Let’s take this to the homework: Go on another money date night, and this time, discuss these questions:

What do (each of) you wish you had known about money in childhood/before marriage?

Do you have any fears about money?

Discuss the quadrant or “money classroom” you grew up in.

Which quadrant or “money classroom” do you want your kids to grow up in?

Rivky Rothenberg, CPA, has vast experience helping families with money. Tsippi Gross is a business consultant and fractional COO who focuses on results. Together they started Ashir to help families go from financial stress to money confidence. Rivky and Tsippi can be reached via Family First.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 872)