Learn to make your money work for you

Life is expensive. Frum life, even more so. Between the already high cost of living, inflation, and the need to keep up, many families feel the huge, burdensome financial strain.

But are we working for money? Or can we learn to make money work for us? Do we need to approach every number-related decision with anxiety? Or can we make those choices with confidence?

Rivky Rothenberg, an accountant, and Tsippi Gross, a business consultant, created Ashir — a nonprofit financial coaching program to educate frum families about finances so we can live more comfortable lives without losing peace of mind.

Join us as four women in the program rethink their relationship with money — and challenge your own notions by following in real-time to ask yourself the hard questions.

First up, meet the crew:

Rivky: cofounder of Ashir

Lives: Detroit, Michigan

Family: Kids ranging from 1-9

Here because: As both an accountant and financial coach, I’ve seen how much money influences our lives. If we believe money is a tool from Hashem, it shouldn’t cause massive stress. I believe there are ways to manage stress and use money as a conduit for good life choices.

I wish: Not necessarily for tons of money, because I’ve seen people who have tons of it — it doesn’t answer all their questions. Instead, I wish for myself and my kids to feel like we always have enough, to be happy with what we have, and to make healthy choices with the resources Hashem provides us. I also wish that all couples could work to get on the same page around money to reduce the stress and increase shalom and menuchas hanefesh.

Tsippi: cofounder of Ashir

Lives: Detroit, Michigan (originally from Dallas, Texas)

Family: Kids ranging from 2-15

Here because: I always found numbers overwhelming and tried to stay away, but I’ve learned that getting into numbers actually gives tremendous peace of mind. From my clients, I’ve seen that even if someone has money, there can still be a lot of stress if you don’t know how to manage it. The challenge is that money is not an open conversation, especially not with women, even though they’re involved in the finances. We could all live better lives without financial stress.

I wish: Families would feel comfortable talking about money and managing it. I want our kids to grow up in a world where money isn’t taboo — it’s just another topic of conversation. The skills involved in making and managing money really build our character.

Kayla: Bigger kids, bigger expenses

Lives: Cleveland, Ohio (after living in Israel and Dallas)

Family: 8 children ka”h, ages 2-17

Here because: Bigger kids means more expenses, and I want to make sure that we’re comfortable — that the kids don’t feel like we’re total nebs or poor. I don’t want them to feel like we can’t afford anything.

I wish: I wouldn’t get stressed about every purchase. I want to feel comfortable and maybe even be able to do something fun without feeling like it’s such a heavy burden on our financial situation.

Elisheva: frugal mom of twin toddlers

Lives: Flatbush, New York

Family: Twin toddlers, baruch Hashem

Here because: When I got married, I didn’t have any idea about money. My parents didn’t teach me about investments or how to budget. My husband worked as an accountant in Australia, so he always had a financial background. Our differences have caused a lot of shalom bayis issues. Now we’ve become comfortable talking about money, but we’re very frugal. We know everything comes from Hashem and we’re not stressed about money, but it’s hard.

I wish: I want things to get easier. We live a modest life and just want to be okay, for our kids to be okay.

Russy: I want to stop wanting

Lives: Bensonhurst, New York

Family: 4 kids ka”h, ages 4-16

Here because: Growing up, money was not taboo. My parents talked openly about their finances and investment choices. My husband didn’t grow up in that kind of environment, but he’s savvy and frugal by nature. Baruch Hashem, we have always worked our way through our finances, but they’ve fluctuated over time.

I wish: To appreciate what I have — to see the good from Hashem, stop wanting more, to just be happy. I want the same for my kids as well.

Tamar: Bills scare me

Lives: Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Family: 4 kids ka”h, ages 3-12

Here because: I always call myself financially illiterate. I feel like I don’t know even basic terminology on investment and loans and debt. My husband deals with most of the finances — but I would like to understand more because I feel like it’s not healthy to be in the dark about everything. Things are also tight now as my husband starts his own business. I want to work on managing our finances better and on my emunah — trusting the process.

I wish: I wouldn’t be afraid when a bill comes.

Welcome to the program! We’re proud to have you.

A couple of you have said that you’re not involved in the finances. But by spending money, by ever swiping a card, you’re involved whether you like it or not. By coming here, you’re taking steps toward being more financially literate.

Money is one of the things a couple partners in, but it shows up differently for everyone. We once gave a workshop where a woman mentioned that her husband wanted her to hire cleaning help. She kept refusing, saying that it was too expensive. They needed to cut back.

Finally, her husband broke down the numbers for her and said, “Right now, you’re asking me to do the dishes, but I don’t have the time because I’m running the business. Look at what the business is bringing in. We’d come out on top if we hired cleaning help. We can afford it, and we’d both be happier.”

You may think your role is to be frugal, but your spouse might need something else entirely. Part of the process to financial peace is working that out.

Ask yourself – what role do you currently play in the finances? And what role do you wish you could play?

Kayla

When my husband grew up, his father was very into finances. My father-in-law lectured my husband a lot. It all went in one ear and out the other. It burned him out. I’ve taken over tracking when the bills come in, when they go out, when the credit cards are due, and all the other moving parts.

In our case, he makes most of the money. and I spent a large majority of it just because I’m the one who does the groceries and clothes. I think my main role is to be healthy with spending — that’s my part of the partnership.

Elisheva

My husband and I always talk about this. He feels like because he’s, like, the finance person and went to school for these things, he should manage the finances. I feel like if the woman is the one taking care of most things in the house, she knows more about what’s happening. We need to make sure the household budget is within the means of what’s coming into the house.

Russy

Sometimes it’s about personalities more than men versus women. Some people are thrust into a role because if they didn’t take it on, it wouldn’t get done. Personally, I’m happy to let my husband take care of the bills, but I do keep an eye on the bank account so I always have an idea of where our finances stand.

I’ll ask questions. I’ll see things. I’ll make suggestions. But ultimately, even if I think it’s a good idea to move some money around, I’ll leave the actual moving to him. If I gave him the domain, I don’t want to mix in.

Tamar

Growing up, my mom managed the finances and my father completely stayed out of it. In my house, my husband’s very comfortable with money, and I’m very uncomfortable with it, so he deals with most of it. But I don’t think that’s how it should be — w When my husband meets with our financial advisor, I want to be able to join the conversation and know what they’re talking about. I don’t want to be completely out of control.

Rivky and Tsippi speak:

Most of you mentioned wanting to be more on top of things. And Kayla, you mentioned the budget. Lots of people are under the impression that the solution to learning how to manage finances is a budget. That’s not necessarily the best approach for every family, at least as a first step. Just making a budget is not going to help, and you may find that you don’t stick to it because it makes you feel restricted, or for other reasons, based on emotions, your history with money, or events that trigger certain reactions in you.

Money decisions should come from your values, desires, personality, and priorities — not just price tags. Oftentimes, people need a complete mindset shift before balancing numbers can be a long-term solution.

How do you work those values out? You need to sift through everything you hold about money. If you have an understanding of the stories you tell yourself around money, you can rewrite them. And when you do, you’ll notice how your actions — and your family’s actions — adjust to fit the new narrative.

Homework:

Have a money date night with your husband. Make conversations about money into something fun, light and enjoyable by making it an activity. And answer these two questions — together.

If you could craft the perfect life without worrying about money, what would it look like? What brings you joy?

If you had ten million dollars, what would your life look like? How would things change?

Rivky Rothenberg, CPA, has vast experience helping families with money. Tsippi Gross is a business consultant and fractional COO who focuses on results. Together they started Ashir to help families go from financial stress to money confidence. Rivky and Tsippi can be reached via Family First.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 871)