The conversation about money management in your home needs to happen as early as possible in your relationship

Money Dates

Tsippi Gross and Rivky Rothenberg

“When I was engaged, my kallah teacher suggested my chassan and I meet with a financial coach. Maybe one day, I thought. I’m getting married in seven weeks. In that time, I have soooo much to do. And we’re moving to Israel, where everything is in shekels, so it will be a learning curve anyway. Now isn’t the right time. My head wasn’t there,” says Chaya.

And so it begins.

Having a discussion about money management is one of those things that a newlywed couple puts on the back burner for a year or two, then ten…. It’s a low dopamine (think: unstimulating) activity that so often gets pushed off — permanently.

Our experience has shown us what happens in so many cases as a result of tabling these conversations until years down the line leads to debt, stress around money, resentment, a lack of clarity over financial goals, a lack of clear roles in the household’s management of money (and often unilateral decision-making by one spouse), and the passing of bad money-management habits on to the next generation. The list goes on.

But the conversation about money management in your home needs to happen as early as possible in your relationship. The start of a relationship is a perfect opportunity, as at this point, before you have a mortgage and tuition to pay off, this topic is more light, and can be set up in a fun way.

So how do we get started?

We encourage couples to schedule a money date night. Instead of diving right into numbers and budget, we suggest newlyweds first get to know each other’s money stories, values, and goals. Creating a strong foundation for understanding each other and a process for navigating challenges that arise from the beginning sets a couple up for success no matter what they face over the course of their marriage.

Here are a few fun questions to ask your new spouse or chassan/kallah during a money date to get the conversation going:

Are you generally a spender or a saver?

Do you feel knowledgeable about money or like a deer caught in headlights?

Does money make you anxious or is it interesting to you?

How was money talked about in your house growing up, and what would you do similarly or different in your own home?

Do you have a strategy when you earn money?

Who do you like to give your tzedakah to?

How can we set up a system to make talking about money nonthreatening?

Add in your own questions and enjoy making money a regular topic of conversation!

PS if you never had these conversations and have been married a long time, it’s never too late to start.

Tsippi Gross is a business consultant and Rivky Rothenberg is a CPA. Together they started Ashir, a nonprofit that provides financial training for communities and families.

Stop “Sending” Kids to Therapy

Sarah Rivkah Kohn

H

uh? What am I even saying?

What I’m saying is that sometimes we get lost along the way and forget what kids are.

Look at this scenario:

Client: “My five-year-old is aggressive.”

Therapist: “Tell me a little bit about what that looks like.”

Client: “When he doesn’t get what he wants, he hits. Hard.”

Is this abnormal? Or is this normal behavior that requires chinuch, a teaching of new behaviors?

So many clinicians who see children are seeing them one to two times and then advising the parents or the school on how to deal with them further, because therapy doesn’t replace healthy parenting and education.

But can going to therapy when it isn’t necessary do harm?

Yes.

When a child (or teen) has no interest in therapy and is pushed (with the exception of someone who is a danger to themself or to others), they build therapy into their brains with lots of negative associations.

And then they are often the therapy-resistant adults who will not go, even at risk to themself or others, if need be….

So is therapy good for kids? YES! There are times that it is so, so helpful. But explore family dynamics, parenting, and education environments first and see what can be done. If that doesn’t solve the problem, then absolutely, therapy is a great option.

But don’t “send” the child.

Go with the child.

Go either physically or emotionally. This is a journey for the child and their parent.

Sarah Rivkah Kohn is the founder and director of Links Family, an organization servicing children and teens who lost a parent.

Talk Yourself Back on Track  

Hadassah Eventsur

For many people who struggle with time management, life is experienced as a series of “nows.” This affects their ability to focus on long-term priorities, as they get caught up in the “now” of their immediate experience. Even being armed with the perfect to-do list will command much less attention in contrast to the “now” of the ringing phone, or the gorgeous canvas in the home section at Target. When faced with an internal or external pull to distraction, one can use self-talk to get back on track. Try asking, “Now where was I?” or “What do I need to be doing right now?” Saying these phrases out loud helps to bring your intentions to the foreground and distractions to the background.

Hadassah Eventsur, MS, OTR/L is a licensed occupational therapist with over 20 years of experience, and a certified life coach in the Baltimore, MD area.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 908)