| Tempo: Second Guessing |

Missing Out: Readers Join the Conversation

By Ariella Schiller | September 29, 2024

“Who and what gets prioritized? As a parent, your first responsibility is to your child”

Last Week:

Shaindy: “Even though every one of my bones is screaming in protest, I told Avrumi it was okay if he missed the Shabbos sheva brachos. I have no idea if I made the right choice. They say growing up brings hard choices, but I never had to choose between my family and my son before.”

Prioritizing Needs

Rayzel Reich

When resolving an issue involving various parties with conflicting needs, there are two levels of decision making:

Which person’s needs come first?
How can the other people and their needs best be addressed?

Let’s look at all the potentially conflicting needs here.

Avrumi wants to stay in yeshivah for Shabbos.
Avrumi and cousins should spend quality time together at the Shabbos sheva brachos.
Shaindy’s sister Malky, the kallah’s mother, shouldn’t be insulted.
Shaindy’s parents shouldn’t be upset.
Shaindy’s grandfather, Elter Zeidy, shouldn’t be hurt and should get to spend quality time with Avrumi.

Who and what gets prioritized? As a parent, your first responsibility is to your child. What is best for Avrumi in this situation? The most important source of information is Avrumi himself. Fortunately, he was open with his parents. His parents, to their credit, really heard him, and understood that he needed this time to settle into yeshivah.

What about Avrumi’s need to spend time with his cousins? Well, that need is valid, too. Will he feel bad in ten years that he missed out? Probably not, but if he does... that’s his choice to make. When it comes to gray areas like this, where there’s an important and valid need on the other side of the equation, it’s important to allow a relatively mature teenager to make their own decisions.

Malky has graciously shown her understanding that Avrumi needs to do what’s best for him. So that’s covered.

Shaindy’s parents are always going to be more of a challenge. Grandparents live for the joy of seeing all of their progeny together, and no matter how many other cousins are there, they’re going to see an Avrumi-sized hole. It’s sad for them. And that’s valid. You can’t make your son be in two places at the same time, but what you can do is empathize with your parents and do whatever is possible to give them the nachas they wish for.

The hardest piece of this is Elter Zeidy. Because let’s be honest — his time in This World is limited. And if he passes away in a few months, and Avrumi doesn’t see him again, that would indeed be a real loss. You still have to do what is best for your son, but you can also try to find ways to bridge the gap for your grandfather and encourage Avrumi to invest in his relationship with him and with your parents.

Here are some ideas:

When Avrumi goes into the wedding, he should immediately find Bubby, Zeidy, and Elter Zeidy before anyone else. He could spend some time with each of them, wishing them mazel tov and schmoozing before running off to dance.

Avrumi should get together with some cousins during the wedding and dance in front of the grandparents. They love that!

When the grandparents leave, see them out and wish them goodbye.

If he doesn’t already do so, Avrumi should start calling his grandparents and great-grandfather each week to wish them a good Shabbos.

When Avrumi comes home for Shabbos, make a Zoom call with Elter Zeidy.

Maybe during bein hazmanim he can make a trip to see Elter Zeidy.

And yes, you can still tear up at the simchah when he’s not there. Sometimes life brings sadness along with joy. Hopefully, feeling confident that you made the best decisions possible can make it a little bit easier.

No Neat Solutions

B.L.

Monsey, NY

I think sometimes it’s okay to second-guess! There isn’t always going to be a clear-cut answer. Yes, her son has needs, so does she. So do her parents. And one neat solution isn’t always going to be possible. In this case, she did her best. She really did.

Avrumi is happy. She can still enjoy herself. And her parents and grandfather have plenty of other nachas to shep.

It’s the Extended Family’s Problem

R.F.

Jerusalem

I personally believe Shaindy made the (brave and) right decision. As parents, our job is to first and foremost think about the well-being of our children. Not our siblings, not our friends, not society, not our cousins, and not even our parents.

Of course, I don’t mean to chas v’shalom negate the concept or halachos of kibbud av v’eim. It goes without saying that being mechabed our parents is high up there on our responsibility list. However, in this scenario, Shaindy had her sister, parents, and grandfather urging her to make a decision for her son that was not in his best interest — rather in her best interest, her parents’ best interest, and her grandparent’s best interest.

Yes, I understand her family was hurt that Avrumi wasn’t there. And I understand where they were coming from. However, I’d hope they would look and see the simchah around them instead of focusing on one missing Avrumi.

Parents need to protect and support their children. I believe that in a scenario of a Shabbos sheva brachos of a cousin, a young bochur can make such a decision even if family members may be hurt, sad, or embarrassed.

Honestly, maybe the extended family needs a bit of a perspective shift.

Sounds Like Enmeshment

Bracha T.

Our lifestyle tends toward enmeshed families, and this has caused us to lose all sense of self. Mendy and Shaindy are responsible to raise their kids, and all the bobbas, zeidas, and doting Aunt Malkies in the world need to respect that. A family simchah is very exciting, and that’s why Avrumi is coming home for the wedding. The extended family needs to understand that a bochur’s place is in yeshivah. He’s not ditching the family because he’s rude. The rest of the family needs to respect that others aren’t an extension of themselves.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 913)

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