Instead of thinking of 20 reasons not to do something new, think of five reasons you should do it

Mindscape

Abby Delouya

QUICK TIPS

How to: Reduce Rigidity (and therefore reduce anxiety)

Summer’s coming and that means way less schedule for most people. Whether your kids are off somewhere at the colony’s edge catching frogs to put in jars in your sink (better than the worms in your fridge), or in summer camp with different hours, school’s end usually means more free time.

How does that work for many of us parent-managers who thrive on schedules and organization and tend to be — in the nicest way possible — kinda rigid? Let’s be honest; summer can be really hard, and we may feel we don’t truly relax until the first day of school (scratch that — really until the kids have that first full day of school after Succos).

But we don’t want our lives to be a waiting game; life has so many brachos and passes too quickly. So in the effort to just enjoy the moment, here are five ways to reduce rigidity:

Observe rigid behaviors: Spend a couple of days noticing when and how your rigidity manifests itself. Ask your spouse/family to point it out to you as well; not to make you feel bad but rather to allow for observations of patterns.

Try new things: Try a new food, a new song, a new route to work, different deodorant, anything! Get your brain used to doing things differently. You might feel uncomfortable, but taking that risk will help you tackle the unexpected and open up to new experiences.

Embrace opportunities: Don’t say no purely out of habit. Instead of thinking of 20 reasons not to do something new, think of five reasons you should do it.

Think of the end goal: Yes, it’s hectic and messy and loud, but what experience am I creating for my kids? Is it worth it?

Self-talk: When you feel that rigidity creeping in, try motivational self-talk. I am feeling a little threatened by the lack of structure, but I can handle this uncomfortable feeling, or I am feeling challenged or anxious by___ but I can handle difficult things.

Relationship Reflections: Whose Role?

We come into marriage with some ideas of who will be doing what and how, usually stemming from what we saw modeled in our childhood and also cultural expectations of gender roles. Daddy might have made the cholent every Erev Shabbos, and Mommy may have done the grocery run twice a week like clockwork.

When we enter into our own marriages, though, we learn that our spouses have different modeling and different skill sets. Sometimes this manifests itself more lightheartedly — Hubby is awesome at cooking, and Wifey is talented at kashering the kitchen for Pesach. It can get stressful, however, when our predetermined expectations are disappointed and we feel untethered by our spouses’ inactions.

“It was difficult for me when I saw that my husband couldn’t pay the bills on time — not for lack of funds, but rather because he’s so disorganized.”  Or, “My wife usually forgets several things when she goes shopping, and then she sends me to the grocery in a panic because she underbought.”

Repeated frustrations reinforce conflict and disappointment can lead to larger-scale, festering marriage issues. How do we manage these disappointments and work with our spouses’ strengths?

1. Acknowledge (out loud) strengths and weaknesses, and avoid the temptation to get caught up in defensive denial, which can be even more maddening.

(“What do you mean I don’t pay the bills? I filed taxes last month!”, or, “Honey! It’s January! And we have a huge penalty to pay now! And I’ve been nagging you since last March!”)

2. Do what you're good at and delegate what you're not. This is when we usually see how Hashem so brilliantly matches up His children. Usually (not always), our weaknesses complement our spouses’ strengths. Think about how to utilize each other’s strengths.
3. Create partnership: “I hate cooking. During the week, supper is on me, because my husband only gets home at seven p.m., but Shabbos and Yom Tov is my vacation. My husband cooks up a storm, and I clean!

Or, as one wife shared: “I do the bills and all the banking, but my husband takes the kids out at specified regular times for this exact purpose. While he’s always a hands-on father, there is something that feels more connecting about making a plan for me to do finances while he shoulders the childcare.”

4. Don’t judge yourself or others: With so many responsibilities in life, what works— works!

The Road Not Taken

Sara Eisemann

Sometimes it’s not a question of right or wrong, but right or left.

I’ve often pondered that it isn’t doing the right thing that’s hard, but rather determining what the right thing is. (I’ve also been told that’s not necessarily true, but bear with me so I can make a point.)

We sometimes find ourselves at the crossroad between two options that have the potential to alter the course of our personal history and, consequently, the generations after us. The seminary we go to, the yeshivah we choose for our son, the man we date and say no to, the job we accept, the city we choose to settle in, the school we send our kids to….

It can be paralyzing to be faced with so many viable options, each one professing to take us somewhere good, each with its own advantages, but so different that the road taken can dramatically alter our lives.

How do we decide?

Perhaps by looking down the road; by davening for the siyata d’Shmaya to have clarity on what the destination of each journey might look like. Al pi derech hateva, what would it look like if I traverse this path? What would the end product be if I go down that path? And to daven for the right messengers to help us paint that vision and nudge us toward the path that best aligns with our goals.

Of course, we can never really know how things will turn out. Ultimately, after doing whatever we can to find clarity, we need to surrender to the uncertainty and embrace our decision. And remember that whatever comes in its wake, the good and the bad, offers us an opportunity to grow.

Sara Eisemann, LMSW, ACSW, is a licensed therapist, Directed Dating coach and certified Core Mentor.

That Was Easy

Zipora Schuck

The red-button gag toy put out by Staples, the office-supply chain, is meant for employees to use when tasks are completed. The button exclaims, “That was easy!” in a loud voice when pushed. It was a hit; close to $7.5 million worth of them were sold over the last 15 years.

We may not have the button, but many of us do this, too, thoughtlessly remarking to others how easy something was. The test or the task, losing weight or following a recipe, making money or buying a house, finding a shidduch or a job… we freely share our successes without considering that while it was easy for us, others’ experiences may be very different. Hearing how smoothly things went for you may add another layer of uncertainty and self-doubt into their lives.

Be mindful to whom you share what you’ve achieved with ease, and remember that the credit isn’t due to you. Things didn’t go easily because of the hishtadlus you put in or the kochos you have — rather, Hashem decided that this should go easily for you.

But perhaps not for someone else.

Zipora Schuck MA. MS. is a NYS school psychologist and educational consultant for many schools in the NY/NJ area. She works with students, teachers, principals, and parents to help children be successful.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 849)