How can we ensure that Yamim Tovim and simchahs are fun, connected and tension-free?

Mindscape

Abby Delouya RMFT-CCC, CPTT

QUICK TIPS: Too Much of a Good Thing?

How to stay happy and connected during Yom Tov season

Holidays, vacations, and simchahs are fabulous opportunities for memory making, connecting, and bonding. They’re also breeding grounds for triggers, fights, stress, and guilt. “How are we getting through ‘x’ event?” I’m  often asked.

There are many different factors that can be playing a role here, even without any inherently conflictual or problematic dynamics. It’s simple math, actually: kids + different schedules + other kids/families + late nights/different surroundings = potential for stress. I put kids as the first factor, but you could take that factor out completely and the equation still makes sense.

Yom Tov is coming up, and that means lots of family time, followed closely by simchah season. How can we ensure that these special times are fun, connected and tension-free? There are so many different factors and individual realities, that one swooping solution may not apply. But good advice that works across the board? Tread gently. You can’t know everyone’s circumstances or feelings — you’re safest just judging favorably and being gentle.

Some common ways this plays itself out are:

Kids: This can be anything from parenting techniques to scheduling: She didn’t bring her kids to the meal because she is sooooo inflexible with bedtime — live a little! Or: She let her kids stay up until midnight — it was insane! They were acting like wild monkeys jumping all over the place. Try not to insert your own judgment and parenting style in your interactions with others. Be confident in what does or doesn’t work for you and let other people manage their own kids — judgment-free.

Quality time with immediate family: “When we go to family, I don’t have three minutes to talk to my spouse the whole time. We come home angry and disconnected.” Sometimes childhood environments can be overwhelming or triggering, and sometimes it’s just busy because there’s a lot going on. Try to find an oasis of time to connect with your spouse/children every day. And don’t judge when others do it also (I can’t believe they didn’t come to the park with us!)

Capacity: Everyone’s capacity for engagement is different. Acceptance of everyone’s limitations would help us stay calmer. She didn’t lift a finger the whole seudah! He didn’t make time for us at all! Maybe she isn’t feeling well or struggling in another way. Maybe he needed to spend more time with his wife and kids, or do other things you aren’t privy to.

We all know that we don’t know everything about what’s going on with others. Be understanding when people can’t stay long, don’t come by, or do things differently from you. Yes, sometimes it’s for an upsetting, selfish reason, but often it isn’t. And bottom line: It’s far more freeing for you to tread gently and with compassion — and you would want the same.

Relationship Reflections

Growing up, my parents always taught my sister and me that we were best friends. Even though we used to fight, being best friends came so naturally; it was just an obvious reality. Good relationships with siblings are a gift. Parents can help foster this relationship by: not siding with one child, role modeling good communication with their own siblings, teaching them how to “fight nice,” and positively reinforcing acts of kindness.

Jargon Decoded: Somatic Experiencing

Somatic experiencing is a body-centered therapeutic approach to treating PTSD. Some interventions focus on thoughts and emotions associated with a traumatic event, but SE expands to include somatic (body) reactions. Symptoms of a somatic response may include specific sensations, such as pain or shortness of breath, or more general symptoms, such as fatigue or weakness. Research has shown that trauma is stored in somatic memory and shows up as a biological stress response, (e.g., sleep disturbances, symptoms of anxiety, depression etc.).

In the News

Humor goes a long way in the workplace. Recent studies have shown that humor — especially coming from the boss — reduces work-related stress and improves productivity by fostering rapport and enhancing problem-solving. Laughter equalizes and smoothes out uncomfortable or awkward circumstances, and abets analytic precision and creativity.

Abby Delouya RMFT-CCC, CPTT is a licensed marriage and individual therapist with a specialty in trauma and addiction.

Expectation and Frustration

Shoshana Schwartz

AS the saying goes, expectation breeds disappointment.

If you expect your husband to keep an eye on the gas gauge, and he doesn’t, you’ll be disappointed (and possibly stranded, which will ratchet up the intensity). But isn’t it normal to expect him to keep the tank filled? To take out the garbage, de-ice the sidewalk, and buy you flowers? Aren’t these realistic expectations?

“Realistic” has no one global definition that applies to all people in all situations. A realistic expectation is not what most people would do in this situation, or what “normal” people do or should do, in your opinion. A realistic expectation is one that the person from whom you expect something has both the desire and capacity to do.

To avoid continual disappointment in various relationships, you can align your expectations. At home, decide together with your spouse who takes responsibility for which tasks, rather than assuming that the division of labor that was modeled in your home of origin is universal.

At work, make clear to your employees your expectations about duties, time, and other standards you choose to set, rather than assuming a “good” employee will intuitively exhibit what you consider a good work ethic.

In relationships, engage friends in discussion about what each of you is able to give and receive (for example, “I only check email once a day”).

It’s perfectly okay to disagree about what’s “right” and “normal.” You get to choose for yourself how you think you should act, but you don’t get to choose other people’s actions or values, or judge if they are living up to those values.

When you put your expectations on the table, you can try to negotiate a solution or compromise. If that doesn’t work, adjusting your expectations will save you much frustration and disappointment.

Shoshana Schwartz specializes in addiction and codependency. She gives in-person and online addiction prevention lectures and workshops to education and mental health professionals, community leaders, and parent groups, as well as 12-Step workshops for non-addicts.

A Plea for Please

Zipora Schuck

Every year, lexicographers, or dictionary editors, tweak the dictionary, and words that are becoming obsolete may be deleted.

In an alarming trend, the word “please” is going down in popularity. Over the next few days, take some time to listen to people asking for things in stores, or read through a few texts or emails that include requests. You’re bound to notice that the word is falling out of fashion.

We can reverse that. Model saying please whenever speaking to your own children or students. Whether it’s a question or a directive, the word please can be inserted first. When kids neglect to say it, gently remind them that “please is nice” or rephrase what they’ve just asked and add the word please.

Please reflects politeness and respect to the person we are asking something from, and often helps the other person respond more positively.

Zipora Schuck  MA. MS. is a NYS school psychologist and educational consultant for many schools in the NY/NJ area. She works with students, teachers, principals, and parents to help children be successful.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 834)