It’s great to feel appreciated by others, but far more important to be able to recognize your own growth and successes

Mindscape

Abby Delouya BA, BEd, RMFT-CCC

Quick Tips For Getting to Know… Yourself

Connection with others is a foundational part of growth. However, sometimes the best intentions of others don’t help us reach our ultimate potential. Ideally, you want to incorporate all you’ve learned from others, then develop your own internal GPS to guide you. Here’s how to get to know yourself better:

Meet Me: Set aside time regularly (daily or weekly) to reflect and examine how you’re living your life. Are you happy? Are you achieving your goals? Are you bothered or satisfied in your relationships — why or why not?

Make Your Own Choices: There’s nothing wrong with asking advice, but if you can’t make a decision on your own, it may mean you don’t trust yourself.

Learn to Be Alone (and Like It):

Develop interests and activities you enjoy solo. Solitude allows you to tune into what’s important to you without outside influence.

Create Healthy Boundaries: Even the most intimate relationships include two distinct people. You aren't your spouse, your parents, or your children, and they  aren't extensions of you.

Celebrate Yourself:

Allow yourself to feel good about things you’ve accomplished. It’s great to feel appreciated by others, but far more important to be able to recognize your own growth and successes.

Disorders Decoded: Anxiety Disorder

Focus on Phobias

A phobia is an exaggerated, irrational fear. There are three different categories of phobia: specific phobia (such as heights, closed spaces, flying, sickness. spiders, etc.); complex phobias such as social phobia (fear of public humiliation/judgment); and agoraphobia (fear of situations it would be difficult to escape from, like small enclosed places).

A phobia becomes pathological when a person begins organizing their life around avoiding the cause of their fear. People with a phobia have an overpowering need to avoid anything that triggers their anxiety. Physical effects can include: sweating, abnormal breathing, a choking sensation, confusion, nausea, headaches, and a feeling of uncontrollable anxiety. Specific phobias usually develop in childhood due to a traumatic event or by witnessing a parent have the same phobia. Phobias are treatable through behavioral therapy, medication management, or both.

Please note that this is for educational and not diagnostic purposes.

In the News:

The Pandemic and Decision-Making

According to the survey, nearly one-third of adults in the US have been so stressed during the pandemic that their basic decision-making abilities are being impacted. And more than one-third consider decision-making more difficult than before the pandemic. Seemingly simple decisions, like what to wear or what to eat, have become increasingly overwhelming, especially among younger adults and parents. Making choices is a complex cognitive process and people are feeling mentally and emotionally drained. Keeping this in mind, be gentle with yourself and try to look for ways to simplify your life by keeping to routines, and not overburdening your schedule for a little while.

Relationship Reflections:

Never Go to Bed Angry?

The jury is out if never going to bed angry is a sound relationship practice. Whether or not to follow it depends on many factors: the cause of your anger, temperament, and circumstances. If the anger is over a situation you feel may get overwhelming, discuss pressing “pause” on the conversation, and set a time to revisit the issue — especially when it’s late and you’re tired. This way, you’re reassured that the issue will eventually be resolved, and it will probably feel less intense after a good night’s sleep.

Abby Delouya is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice with a specialty in trauma and addiction. Abby lives in Monsey, NY, and maintains her practice in Canada.

Mirror Potential

Sara Eisemann, LMSW, ACSW

Always be generous with your encouraging words. You may find they will inspire others to be the best they can be.

—Catherine Pulsifer

Every word, every smile, and every act we put out in the world is an offering of our very self. And it always comes with some element of risk: Will it — and I — be received or rejected? Will the world send back the message that I'm  worthy, and that they want to hear more and see more of me, so that I expand into my full being? Or will they shut me down, so I shrink into myself? Or, even worse, will they be indifferent and not even notice me?

We have the power to build each other up! It takes courage to laugh at a corny joke, to return the smile of a stranger, to compliment a coworker. Doing so means I’m confident enough in my own self-worth that giving to someone takes nothing away from me. So bring it on!

What we pay attention to is what we'll  get more of. Water the passion that others exhibit. Give a heartfelt compliment that specifies what you appreciated in someone else’s work. Notice a kind gesture and comment on it. Nourish a fledgling dream with your belief in that person’s vision. Tell them that you see their effort and that you can envision their success.

Hold up the mirror that reflects the success and the promise of the other. Show them who they can be. Really say it, don’t just think it, because saying the words out loud creates a magic of its own. It gives form to the uncertain feeling we all carry: Am I good enough? Tell someone, in words, that yes!, they are.

It may be the water their soul needs to fully flourish.

Sara Eisemann, LMSW, ACSW, is a licensed therapist, Directed

Because I Care

Zipora Schuck MA, MS

Do you do things for others throughout the day? Spent a lot of time making the soup your husband enjoys? Remembered to bring in the game your students wanted? Was on time because your sister likes to be punctual?

Let them know.

Adding a layer of verbal intentionality to everyday acts enhances what we’re already doing. It lets the people we love know that we’re thinking about them. What’s important to them is important to us, because they're important to us. And that leaves them with the good feelings about whatever we just did, plus the warm and fuzzy sensation of being cared for.

Zipora Schuck MA, MS, is a NYS school psychologist and educational consultant for many schools in the NY/NJ area. She works with students, teachers, principals, and parents to help children be successful.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 778)