| Family Tempo |

Mind You

By Adina Lover | November 11, 2020

Will I remember who I was when I no longer recognize myself?

I blink in the sunlight after the artificial light of the doctor’s office.

Of course that’s why I’m blinking. I’m not scared of doctors or diagnoses. I suspected this. It’s why I made the appointment in the first place.

Still, my hands are shaking. And my cheeks are wet.

I finally fish out my keys from my Mary Poppins bag. Ben’s name. Savta Simcha wasn’t even born then, okay? And in those days, Disney was kosher. But I like my bag. I like it big and able to fit a lot of things, even if it means I need to fumble for my keys. I always fumble for keys. It has nothing to do with — with anything.

Ben. Maybe it’s a brachah that he’s gone. I wouldn’t want him to need to deal with this.

Right, because I’d much rather the kids take this on.

I take a deep breath and turn the key in the ignition. What now? How much longer will I be able to handle work, kids, life? I swipe at my eyes.

I decide to stop off at the library. There’s too much to do — it’s Wednesday, Baruch and his family are coming for Shabbos and I have nothing in the house, but there’s always too much to do, isn’t there? I need to learn whatever I can about the journey I’m going to be taking.

June 2

Dear Diary,

No, I haven’t totally gone off the… But “Dear Diary” is written on the top of every page in this book, which is one reason I chose it — I’ll have to keep things short and simple.

What does it say about me that I’m taking this journaling idea from a book I read instead of from the Shaarei Yonah, who advises cheshbon hanefesh?

I was never good at journals. I’m only hoping that chronicling my illness will help me — and everyone else — look back and remember who I once was when I no longer recognize myself.

Excerpted from Mishpacha Magazine. To view full version, SUBSCRIBE FOR FREE or LOG IN.

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Comments (2)

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Crucial for Caretakers // Lani Harrison Scottsdale, AZ
5 years ago
Reply

I was very moved by Adina Lover’s story “Mind You,” about a woman, Reva, who has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, and thought it was an excellent piece of writing. I was so surprised, therefore, to open up the Family First and find a negative letter about it. The author of the letter contends that the story should not have been published since it has no purpose, because one could not prepare for such an event, may it not happen to any of us.
While that may be true, I feel the letter writer is leaving out an important point — which is that a story like “Mind You” helps those who are tasked with the challenging job of caring for individuals with memory impairment.
When I was in college, I worked part-time one semester at an assisted living home. I was asked to spend most of my time with one resident in particular who was having trouble adapting to her surroundings as her memory was failing. This resident and I built up a nice rapport and warm relationship, as she told me stories about her childhood and appreciated that I was frum.
Then, one day, I was asked to accompany her to a doctor’s appointment. Unfortunately, as we entered the doctor’s office, she forgot who I was. She became combative and started screaming at me to leave. She told the office staff that she didn’t know who I was and that they should call the police. They wisely called her son, who came to take over and apologized to me profusely. I told him there was no need to apologize, and I felt terrible for him that he had to see his mother like that.
I’m sharing this because the anecdote in “Mind You” where Reva reprimanded her daughter for wearing her late bubby’s jewelry brought this incident to mind. It’s crucial that anybody caring for somebody with memory impairment understands that the person is genuinely confused at that moment. They honestly think you are doing something wrong to them. Adina Lover’s writing brought that out beautifully. It is so difficult, when one is in a situation like that as a caregiver, to be able to take a deep breath and realize that the yelling and lashing out has nothing at all to do with you. It’s difficult, but it’s necessary.
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Glimpse Into her Mind // S L, UK
5 years ago
Reply

I have never written into a magazine before, but when I read “Mind You” by Adina Lover, I knew this would be my first time. The way the writer took the reader on a journey together with the woman diagnosed with Alzheimer’s was awe-inspiring and eye-opening. I genuinely felt that I was losing my wits and ability to trust myself.
The article particularly hit home for me. My great-grandmother a”h, too, had a swift decline from when she received the diagnosis. It was excruciating to watch this proud, well dressed woman consumed by this cruel, confusing monster known as dementia. But what was yet more painful to witness was when she had clear moments, and was embarrassed by her confusion. When we called, she stopped asking after the children by name and started saying “How is your eldest son?” out of fear of getting it wrong.
I am very grateful to Family First for featuring the other perspective, giving us a glimpse into the minds of our suffering loved ones.