This column is delivered with warmest blessings to anyone looking for their bashert, and their parents, too

So Chilled

My friend told me to stop calling shadchanim. She heard you’re not supposed to do hishtadlus in shidduchim, and your chassan comes when he’s supposed to. Is that true?

Everything in life comes from Above when it’s supposed to. Yet a person is required to do hishtadlus, which means responsibly working through natural channels and not relying on miracles.

The Gra is widely rumored to have said that there is no need for hishtadlus in shidduchim. The actual quote is, “In vain is a person’s toil when it concerns shidduchim, as it is all from Hashem.” This is explained practically in different ways.

Prayer is crucial no matter what we hope to accomplish. Rav Elya Weintraub explains that regarding shidduchim, it is even more necessary and should be a person’s main focus.

Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach, Rav Elyashiv, and Rav Chaim Kanievsky all understood the Gra to mean one does have to do hishtadlus, but you can do less here than you would in other areas.

It’s said that the Satmar Rav recommended checking in with a shadchan once a week. A friendly text is not camping out in her front yard. Leaving a message is different than beeping her 20 times.

The Gra says attempts “are in vain.” Usually, we can pinpoint a general cause and effect for our achievements. One explanation for the Gra’s comment is that finding one’s zivug often defies rhyme or reason, so retroactively one can see the futility of the strategies he counted on as vital. In shidduchim, it’s not unusual that where we try the hardest, it falls flat, and success jumps out where we least expect it.

Give It a Try, You Never Know

My aunt thinks I’m too narrow-minded in whom I agree to meet. She’s pushing me to depend on her and meet a charming someone she knows without checking him out first. “Give it a try, it can’t hurt and maybe you’ll like him.” Is this a smart move?

Auntie says it can’t hurt and maybe you’ll like him. If you like him and he’s not for you, it can hurt.

Once we meet, our hearts and brains get tangled. You owe it to yourself to ensure that you look into whatever could be a deal-breaker before emotions kick in. That doesn’t mean you need every minute detail to be in place. In fact, over-checking is a super-efficient way to pretend we’re in control, and pare down a list of names… to zero. Particulars that won’t matter once you like him, or that you can begrudgingly live with, or you’d let pass two years hence, would best be ignored.

Clarify your unmovable pieces. It would be unfortunate to meet and find you like someone only to discover that he’s gung-ho on aliyah and you’re an only child caring for an elderly parent in Boca, or you’re an upwardly mobile professional and he’s looking for a stay-at-home mom.

But let’s say you’ve already met someone without due diligence, or you thought you found out, but received misinformation (soooooo annoying). Now you’re post-date, and you feel confused.

When this happens, you need to try to get into an objective headspace. Ask yourself, “If it doesn’t work out with him, would I agree to meet someone with this description again?” If you would, then keep going. You’ve learned something new about yourself and expanded horizons, good news for the Jews. Often, though, the answer is, “No way I would repeat this with someone else like him.” In which case, charming or not, this might not bode well.

Auntie claims you’re limiting yourself. Are you? The fact that you’re not married leads people to claim something’s awry, but that’s not true. If you have a fair amount of suggestions, and you’re agreeing to a reasonable number of them, get yesses after dates, see things through to the end, and are emotionally open, then no, chances are you’re not being too picky. Your choices are fine, and you’re doing everything right. Hashem has a circuitous route planned.

In some cases, your hishtadlus might be inadequate and an internal or external impediment needs to be addressed. You can decide that, not your aunt.

Male Order

I hoped to marry someone who would start out learning, but my parents are unable to assist financially. Does it make sense to start looking for a serious professional with a daily chavrusa? Other than the job, I’ll look for the same qualities I was looking for before.

Learner, Earner, Earner Learner, or Learner Earner? Deciding that is less what you want and more who you are.

This isn’t a spiritual question, it’s a romantic one. You hope for someone with a similar energy and lifestyle, someone who will share your dreams and aspirations.

Figure out who you would be, were you to be male. Would you be in college? Business? Yeshivah? And if in yeshivah, which sort? Odds are, that’s the closest cultural and value fit to you in a boy.

From there branch out. If your profile, in a fellow, stretches out of yeshivah, maybe this demographic works for you.

Girls often make the Amazon Prime Mistake. “Please take this one back, and send the same model, just more/less of a learner.” Life doesn’t usually work that way. There are too many factors that go into why and how people make decisions and land where they do. When you change one parameter, other traits generally change with it. It’s rarely going to be the same guy plus or minus six hours of learning.

There is nothing wrong — and a lot right — with a good frum guy trying to honestly support his family. You ask whether you should start looking for a professional who is kovei’a itim: If you’re clear on what you’re signing up for, understand how differences may play out, and you’ll be honestly pleased with your choice, not disgruntled or unsatisfied, then great. Whomever you marry will presumably be a lovely human being and we want him to have a wife who appreciates him. It makes me sad for two nice people (and I’ve encountered this often) when wishful thinking on the part of a girl or her parents doesn’t pan out with the facts on the ground. The parents want him for what he does — which is make a living — but she doesn’t necessarily want who he is, and that’s not fair to him.

Conversely, boys make the Mashgiach Mistake. He’s drawn to a girl he feels is a step ahead of him religiously, who will keep him on his toes. “If I marry her, I’ll never miss my chavrusa.” Yikes. Find a girl you’ll look forward coming home to, not be afraid to face.

When Amazon Prime Mistake meets Mashgiach Mistake, you have a girl with unrealistic expectations and a boy who will have a very hard time making her happy. A more natural male/female balance is when he’s somewhat ahead of her on the religious curve, not vice versa.

The solution to a financial predicament isn’t to compromise on a shared spirit. Money is a problem much more easily solved than being married to someone who possibly won’t be what you want.

Zivug Rishon/Zivug Sheini

I’ve been dating for years and I’m very different from how I was. I’ve grown in many ways through my challenges. How could the same person be my bashert when I was 20 and now, 11 years later?

There’s a well-known statement in the Gemara that 40 days before a baby is formed, her intended is announced by a Bas Kol. The Gemara then points out conflicting ideas; “The matching up of a person is as difficult as the splitting of the sea,” and “a person’s mate is decided based on their actions” (Sotah 2b). Destined, or difficult? Destined, or according to actions?

Says the Gemara: a zivug rishon, or first marriage, is preordained, while a zivug sheini, a second marriage, is hard, and dependent on the actions of a person (ibid.).

Zivug rishon and zivug sheini can be understood in many ways. “Rishon” also means primary, or with a shared mazel (Rashi, Pri Megadim). Two people with a zivug rishon core connection, but different “actions” (e.g., hashkafos or goals in life) won’t make an auspicious pair. They’ll do better with plan B, zivug sheini, someone they’re not as deeply drawn to but who will objectively make them a more suitable partner. That person will be easier to live with but harder to commit to.

“Zivug” is also a verb; “Zivug sheini” can mean “a second matching up.” In this vein, there’s the celestial voice that decides one’s mate, but that determination is reassessed when individuals are “matched again,” this time by their actions (Teshuvos Chasam Sofer 34:48:7).

According to the Arizal, a person’s first marriage took place in a previous lifetime. This second round, potentially even with the same person, will tend to be tough going, because it’s an opportunity to right previous wrongs.

People get nervous about missing their bashert, their Divine soul mate. Stop guessing. No one but G-d knows if someone discovered their primordially intended. If they were destined from 40 days before, but don’t sufficiently work on their middos or differences, they’ll be in shalom bayis trouble and think they weren’t meant for each other. Alternatively, two people can absolutely achieve a fabulous life together despite not having been the ones linked by the Bas Kol and never be the wiser. (Rav Yaakov Emden, Sotah, ibid.)

Heads-Up

My friends tell me that getting pictures will save hassle, time, and the emotional cost of my son meeting yet another girl who isn’t for him. I’m torn. Would my other sons have gotten married quicker that way?

I bet your friends are just checking the type.

Even if that’s true, you probably know what I am going to say: By asking for pictures, you join a phenomenon that cheapens our young women and abuses boundaries of decency and modesty. And even if pictures are an effective vetting tool — unclear — is it worth the price in basic human respect (kavod habriyos)? Claiming that sending pictures is a given, besides being patently false, doesn’t make it less iffy. Nor does pointing to girls who expect a picture, too. Shayachus?

Let’s unpack this.

Whatever you may glean from a photo can frequently be culled from a few calls. It’s a pain, but hey — paying for principles is what we proudly do.

Routinely ignored by the pro-pics camp is how pictures often don’t deliver. Every shadchan has a hefty file of young gentlemen hung up on externals, or whose mother vetoed candidates galore, who then shocked the oilam with whom he married. Good for him, but what happened? Clearly, much subtlety goes into what makes someone appealing and a complete person needs to be taken into account.

Dr. Benzion Sorotzkin, in “Finding the Bashert: Why Is It So Difficult to Hear the Bas Kol?” explains:

When they first meet, he will, of course, be more aware of, and influenced by, her external appearance… If he gets to like her …her inner qualities become more important than her external appearance. As a young man once told me “After each date her nose got shorter.”

Dr. Sorotzkin doesn’t mitigate the significance of attraction, but elaborates that in the long term (which is what counts), chemistry results from a composite person and a genuine relationship. He is troubled by the phenomenon of how someone looks being isolated from who they are, comparing it to the Roman princess who dismembered Rabbi Yehoshua Kohein Gadol’s beautiful face. Such objectification masks worrisome issues, like perfectionism, lack of self-worth, or overly critical parenting, he posits. If this is someone you know and love, try to get them the help they need.

You, of course, aren’t coarse, superficial, or choosing an in-law child based on image or social points, obviously.

Also, you know that externals do count and contribute to the bond between husband and wife. This was built into creation from when Hashem braided Chava’s hair so she’d be beautiful for Adam (Shabbos 95, Ben Yehoyada ad loc). And you’re familiar with the halachah that, “One can look at an unmarried woman to determine if she is attractive in order to marry her, and furthermore, it’s proper to do so. But he can’t look at her in a promiscuous way” (Shulchan Aruch Even Ha’ezer 21:3).

Controversy surrounds the line between “proper” and “promiscuous,” including shidduch pictures. Rabbanim largely don’t approve of pictures, and say so at every opportunity. However, every shred of discretion can make a difference. For those insistent that a picture is worth a thousand meetings, would you compromise on neck up, not holding or passing on the file, or requesting a photo only after her character checks out? Any of the above is an amazing start.

Girls with plenty of suggestions (happens) might do their bit, too. But others feel they can’t afford to take a stand, so they hold their nose and dispatch. Even then, be a “sometimes sender”; visage forwarded only upon request — which may not come. Headshots aren’t full-length portraits (ew); you’re allowed red lines. Another option is to release the goods after everything else is okayed with the other side and make sure it’s solely for Mom Of Boy. “Share”-ing and “unshare”-ing files keeps downloads from floating around.

To the girl’s side: Look, if some sort of sending is what you’ve decided to do because of your specific circumstance, I accept that. You know you’ll use AI for straightening jaws, smoothing complexion, updating hairstyle, virtual Botox, and injecting more sparkle. That’s because it helps the other side get the type….

And to the boy’s side, if you wish to avail yourself of an unbeatable opportunity, step up for the honor of Bnos Yisrael and #sendthepictureback. It won’t slow suggestions (what’s black and white and redt all over?) and could enrich your Olam Haba, too.

L*VE Conquers All

My sister, who was floating when she was engaged, doesn’t look too happy right now. My other sister almost broke her engagement but now they seem to get on great. This feels so unpredictable. I guess I’ll throw out my wish list and just look for a mensch.

Take it easy with trashing your list.

People say being a mensch is the only thing that counts, but I beg to differ. It’s a prerequisite, like finding someone Jewish, or male. You definitely want a mensch. But not every male Jewish mensch is for every female Jewish menschette.

You point out the strange discrepancy between a couple’s happiness before they get married and after. Very observant of you; sensational on a date isn’t necessarily sensational for real. And sometimes it is.

There are three big pieces that raise chances for a wonderful marriage.

#1- Like: Would you want him as a friend? While spark and excitement has its place, it’s fickle and unreliable. Friendship will take you even farther. Can you picture eating cornflakes together every day? If you enjoy spending time with him, share interests, are comfortable and feel like yourself, that’s good.

#2 Values: You’ll be partnering in building a home. Do you envision the same standards/community/priorities? Do you agree on appropriate vacation spots and technology choices? Will you be comfortable with the same rabbi and schools for the kids?

#3 Emotional Health: We’re all works in progress, but he needs to have tools to be a highly functioning father and husband. Is he connecting and empathetic? Does he seem to have executive functioning and emotional regulation? Are family relationships respectful, especially with the opposite gender parent? When something comes up, is he open to input?

We’re not in charge. Whatever Hashem wants to happen will happen, whether we like it or not. But we have to be responsible — and not overly hung up. If you two menschen can tick these three boxes, then with siyata d’Shmaya, your prognosis is excellent.

Mrs. Batya Weinberg has been involved in numerous aspects of Jewish education for over 30 years. She’s a senior lecturer in many seminaries and a noted student advisor.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 931)