How to stop your spouse’s flaws from causing friction between you

Making Peace

By Abby Delouya

IN

a previous installment, we discussed accepting a spouse’s limitations and emphasized a fundamental premise: Usually the offending spouse isn’t trying to aggravate or blatantly disregard his/her spouse’s feelings or requests and preferences. Sometimes, there are actual emotional and cognitive limitations.

Still, knowing our spouse isn’t out to deliberately hurt us may not be enough to help us make peace with their limitations, especially when their flaws may be causing us to feel lonely and unseen, or bear more responsibility at home. Here are some tips that can help us move forward:

1. Name the limitations. Sometimes several different grievances are really all related to the same core executive function process (forgetfulness and poor time management can be examples of executive function issues or ADD, for example). Narrowing things down can make dealing with the problematic behavior feel less frustrating or overwhelming.
2. Are any of these limitations “fixable” through open discussion of how the behaviors affect the spouse? If yes, ask your spouse when they might be open to having a conversation. Aim for calm, encouraging, and kind vibes.
3. Consider the positive sides of your spouse’s limitation. Shana may be messy and disorganized, but she may also be laid-back, flexible, and creative. Yanky might lose track of time schmoozing with everyone he meets, but he may also be a very warm, well-liked member of the community and a good friend.

Address the benefits a behavior brings when discussing the difficulties it causes. “Shana, you’re such a flexible and open person. I know the kids love that. But sometimes it’s challenging for me to always be the one to keep the schedule up or reinforce the rules. Is there a way you can still bring your fun side out and keep more of a structure?”

4. We’re often paired with spouses who are different from us. How do your strengths compensate for your spouse’s limitations?
5. Bring awareness of your own limitations into this process. Maybe your spouse’s issues are only heightened because of yours. For example, Dovi may only feel frustrated by Shana’s free spirit because he is unnecessarily rigid. Our best bet when faced with something we don’t like in a spouse is to first look at ourselves, assess what we can change, and then figure out what part our spouse can play.

Keep in mind that it’s possible your spouse’s limitations are a very core or old part of them, and reacting harshly will induce shame, resentment, or loneliness. When we stop keeping score and convey to our spouse that we’re just trying to improve family function and closeness, then even if the behaviors or limitations can’t be changed, talking and sharing about the issues can bring more closeness and connection.

Abby Delouya RMFT-CCC, CPTT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice with a specialty in trauma and addiction. She’s also the Director of Intake and Care Management at Ray of Hope.

Just Don’t Ask

By Zipora Schuck and Devora Schuck

Certain questions are intrusive and leave the responder in a difficult position. They don’t want to share more information but can’t answer without doing so.  Questions like:

Are you fasting?

I’m not because of a medication I take.

I’m not because of a condition I have.

I’m not because I’m expecting but not showing yet.

Better say it as a statement: “I hope you feel good today.”

You lost weight! Are you taking the shots?

No, I lost weight because of an illness.

No, I lost weight because of stress.

Yes, I don’t want to lie, but I don’t to share that.

Better say it as a statement: “You look great!”

Why isn’t he in yeshivah today?

He was suspended.

He struggles with school avoidance.

He left school to go to a therapy appointment.

Better say it as a statement: “It’s nice to see you and your son.”

How’s shidduchim going?

Not too good, obviously, I’m not married.

I haven’t had a date in six months.

I go out every week, but I keep getting rejected.

This one topic doesn’t need a statement in lieu of a question — they’re still single and don’t need to be reminded of that.

Let’s model thinking twice before asking certain questions and putting people on the spot. Our children will learn from this sensitivity.

Zipora Schuck MA. MS. is a NYS school psychologist and educational consultant for many schools in the NY/NJ area.

Devora Schuck LCSW is a psychotherapist who treats anxiety and trauma in children, teens, and young adults.

Stop Swinging

By Shira Savit

“For every restriction, there is an equal and opposite binge.”

The body is always working to find balance. When it senses deprivation — whether from skipping meals, eating as little as possible during the day, or trying to “be good” all week — it pushes back. Not as a mistake, but as a natural response.

Many women share, “I don’t get it. I try so hard to eat light all day, but by nighttime, I feel totally out of control.” Of course they do. After running on too little, the body demands more.

Or they spend all week being “careful”… until Shabbos comes. That pull to eat and keep eating? It’s the body catching up.

So if the binge feels too out of control, maybe the question isn’t, “Why can’t I stop?” but “Where have I been holding too tight?” Because when we stop swinging between extremes, the intensity of them naturally softens.

Shira Savit, MA, MHC, INHC is a mental health counselor and integrative nutritionist who specializes in emotional eating, binge eating, and somatic nutrition. Shira works both virtually and in person in Jerusalem.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 940)