Successful mentors reflect on the right (and wrong) ways to help a kallah as she transitions from single to spouse

Elisheva Feld* got married last Chanukah at age 25. In high school, she’d forged a strong relationship with a mentor who supported her through her dating years, and she kept in touch with a rav who taught her in seminary.

Therefore, in the early days of her marriage, Elisheva had a strong support network that included her mentor, rav, and kallah teacher. When issues arose, she knew exactly who to call.

Yael Gordon* had none of that. Marrying at 19, she had no one neutral or a trusted figure in her life other than her kallah teacher, whom she didn’t know well. Shortly into shanah rishonah, Yael had an intuitive feeling that there was something wrong in her marriage, but she couldn’t identify the problem. Growing up with sisters and only one ten-year-old brother, she couldn’t figure out what constituted normal male behavior.

“Everything was strange at first, so I had absolutely no feel for what was okay; I had nothing with which to compare my situation. Still,” she says, “I felt something wasn’t right.”

Yael called her kallah teacher, who succeeded in calming her. But the niggling feelings persisted, so Yael reached out a second time to communicate her worries. “I couldn’t put my finger on anything specific; it was very weird for me. I started listing random incidents, but felt pretty stupid. My teacher reassured me that I shouldn’t worry. ‘But,’ she warned, ‘if you want to stay married, don’t talk to your parents about this.’

“I left with the feeling that she didn’t understand me, and more than that, I was significantly thrown by the suggestion that we’d get divorced if I spoke to my parents; were the problems that serious? We were getting along,” she remembers, “I was just worried and confused. I thought she was being over the top.”

Yael’s conscious decision to stop worrying didn’t last long as issues continued troubling her. Realizing she needed new direction, she courageously reached out to a respected seminary teacher she’d lost touch with, and with her encouragement, Yael included her parents. By that point, her parents had seen worrisome signs of their own, and connecting the dots, they consulted a gadol, explaining their understanding of the facts. Yael maintains that it was only her full reliance on daas Torah that got her through the painful period leading up to her divorce.

Notwithstanding experiences like Yael’s, “the majority of kallah teachers, dating coaches, and mentors do an excellent job guiding young women through dating, engagement, and the early years of their marriages,” asserts Mindy Jacobson, LCSW, a therapist in Baltimore. “Frequently, it’s these supportive advisors who identify early concerns and make referrals to therapists or other professionals.”

This is precisely what happened with Elisheva. “Shanah rishonah is a huge adjustment,” she shares. “Everything’s new, and I was unsure about a lot. I’d ask myself, is this a red flag? A yellow flag? I married a very strong man with a strong personality. My kallah teacher had discussed signs of abuse, and I wondered at some point: Is this what people talk about? Is this okay? It didn’t seem black and white.

“When I called her, she carefully reviewed the Shalom Task Force abuse checklist with me and showed me that yes, my husband is strong, and no, he’s not abusive.

“But I had another incident that bothered me, and I contacted this same kallah teacher, who was immediately concerned. She was very clear and said, ‘This isn’t okay, it doesn’t sound normal. You both need to go for therapy.’ She was very no-nonsense and guided me on how to proceed. We’d come up against a real issue, and it helped tremendously that it was labeled as such and we got the help we needed. We dealt with it and are, baruch Hashem, in a much, much better place.”

The Learning Curve

Kallah teachers today discuss much, much more than they did years ago, but regardless of the preparation, many newlyweds still go through a bumpy adjustment period during engagement and early marriage.

“The girls have a huge learning curve when it comes to married life, and many are still taken by surprise and need support,” says Mrs. Mimi David, a popular St. Louis mentor for young women in her multiple roles for the past two decades as high school teacher, outreach professional, dating coach, and most recently, kallah teacher. “A Bais Yaakov graduate who never spoke to a boy becomes a wife almost overnight and that can be a hard transition.”

Women need chizuk even when they’re facing normal relationship patterns and struggles, whether as newlyweds, busy couples five years down the line, or later; each stage with its appropriate challenges.

“Women often feel like this is huge!” says Aviva Gelberman, who has been teaching kallahs in Detroit for close to 15 years. “And sometimes they do crave the corroboration of hearing, ‘You’re on track for this time in your life; you’re exactly where you need to be right now.’

“Also,” she continues, “for many, there’s a transition between what marriage is ‘supposed’ to look like, whether in shanah rishonah or with four kids. Relationships are dynamic, so one may wonder, Are we still right for each other? More than anything, many women need to hear ‘You’re normal,’ it’s realistic.”

An accurate perception of what’s “normal” in marriage is even harder in this generation since social media takes the age-old issue of looking over your shoulder and keeping up with the Cohens to new and colossal proportions.

“Struggling to live up to other people’s expectations, with ‘everyone’ posting the perfect life, diminishes your own self-perception and how you see marriage, and those comparisons are detrimental,” says Mrs. Gelberman. “Oh, the jealousy that drips from someone else’s toast posted from breakfast!”

Mrs. Gelberman adds that an inherent attitude of millennials has crept into our society and wreaks havoc on new marriages. Marriage is a self-contained mussar movement and self-growth concept, she emphasizes. She asks her kallahs to think about the person they’d want to be married to… but then strip away the exteriors (looks, personality, talents, etc.) and leave over the core values.

“Your dream is to find someone who’s nice, kind, loving, forgiving, and empathetic, who works on himself, etc. Well, that’s what your spouse is looking for too, so strive to be the person your spouse wants to be married to.

“The inheritance left by the ‘Me’ generation,” continues Mrs. Gelberman, “is a hyper focus on me — but never about working on me, only how this will benefit me. That’s a very different way to look at a marriage, and adds a huge challenge to marriages today.”

Calling for Support

Because of all the inherent difficulties during shanah rishonah, wise counsel can be a lifeline. “I feel bad for my peers who don’t have a strong support group,” says Elisheva. “They have to navigate their way through these complicated years of change and growth with little or no guidance.”

In truth, Elisheva has more than a support staff — she has an entire network of guidance on speed dial. “For regular day-to-day life, laughs, and tears, I have my mother and sisters. But sometimes I need an objective ear, a shot of emunah, or even mussar, and that’s when I call my mentor. She is a conglomeration of a second mother, older sister, and dear friend, in terms of how I rely on her and how she’s there for me, available at every turn. She was the one who advised me when I was ready for shidduchim, and after seminary I went to therapy with my mentor’s encouragement.

“After my engagement, I met my kallah teacher. She’s my authoritative voice on marriage halachah and hashkafah. Although she encourages me to call, she’s busy so I feel a little intimidated to call her at the drop of a hat, but she’s an amazing resource and has been invaluable in her insight, guidance, and advice.

“A mentor and kallah teacher are supportive but they can’t take the place of a rabbinic figure, and my rav has always made me — and more recently my husband — feel fully comfortable.”

What’s the primary role of any mentor? “It’s crucial for teachers and mentors to develop a real connection with each woman they’re supporting, so that if issues arise, there’s someone available to listen and help,” says Malkie Perl LCSW from Monsey, who taught kallahs for nearly two decades before joining the mental health profession.

As a kallah teacher, Mrs. Perl’s biggest “pitch” was stressing that she’d be there for her students. “You’re getting married,” she’d say, “if anything ever feels off or you aren’t comfortable, call me. It doesn’t matter if it’s big or you think it’s something silly, you can always call and we’ll talk about it.”

Perhaps more than anything else, says Mrs. Perl, it’s vital for a frum mentor to be a role model of comfort in her own Yiddishkeit — in all ways. “You really have to be comfortable with your own femininity, with your own tzniyus, with your own looks, and be happy in your role as a woman, wife, or mother. Ninety percent of what we say comes out of our skin, not our mouths.”

Rochel Goldbaum is a sought-after international speaker, who trains both dating coaches and kallah teachers in addition to coaching and teaching herself. She stresses that “aside from intuition, mentors need a healthy dose of humility to know what we don’t know.”

Indeed, every mentor must have her own personal mentor. “A kallah teacher should have three phone numbers on her speed dial: an older, experienced kallah teacher, a posek, and a therapist. And here’s the tricky part — she has to know when to call whom.” says Mrs. Yocheved Nissan, a long-time high school mechaneches and veteran kallah teacher from Far Rockaway.

Gray Matters

When Mrs. Perl worked as a kallah teacher, she was exposed to a myriad of serious issues that she felt uncomfortable addressing because she lacked the necessary knowledge and skills. Knowing enough to know what she didn’t know, Mrs. Perl took full advantage of and maintained an ongoing relationship with Relief, a mental health referral organization.

She ultimately felt so unequipped that, at middle age, she went back to school for a degree in social work and now practices therapy, specializing in marriage-related areas. “The job of a mentor is to validate, empathize, support, acknowledge — and refer,” she underscores.

Every mentor should have a list of highly qualified therapists and rabbanim to refer mentees as necessary. Women guiding others should familiarize themselves with resources in their particular locale, such as Relief, and training from workshops like those offered by Shalom Task Force, Even LA (see sidebar), or Tahareinu.

Issues have shifted over the years, says Mrs. David, and with the advent of a proliferation of mentors, coaches, and exceptionally well-trained kallah teachers, come new challenges.

“The drawback of this new era is that sometimes mashpiyos can think of themselves as knowing everything, having heard and seen it all, and feel equipped to handle, guide, and direct their mentees in areas that they really aren’t trained for. A mentor is just that; she can be deeply wise and have great life experience, but she’s not a trained therapist.”

Veteran mentors attest that the black-and-white cases — where severe dysfunction is evident — are easy to refer out. But what about all the shades of gray, where it’s unclear if outside professional help is warranted?

This, says Mrs. Goldbaum, requires something that can’t be taught: intuition and seichel. But if you have a niggling feeling there’s something more serious going on, gently push the issue.

In Mrs. Goldbaum’s experience, when a kallah reaches out for help, she often speaks vaguely or about side topics and ignores the true issue. But a few well-aimed questions can pin down specifics and uncover serious issues.

As a case in point, Mrs. Goldbaum remembers when one of her kallahs walked in looking unhappy. “You don’t have your regular kallah look,” commented Mrs. Goldbaum. The kallah actually began to cry and mentioned an argument she’d had with her chassan.

Listening to the kallah’s story, Mrs. Goldbaum’s antenna shot up. She asked if this was a one-time experience or if this was recurring, because the kallah was describing an interaction that sounded specifically controlling. Instead of point-blank addressing the issue, Mrs. Goldbaum opened a book she had handy, The First Year of Marriage by Rabbi Abraham Twerski, flipped to the chapter on control, and handed the book to her student.

As the young woman read, light bulbs started going off as she recognized so much of what she was reading. But what now?! Mrs. Goldbaum suggested that her student open a discussion with her chassan. “Why not tell him how much you want to have a wonderful marriage and build a great relationship with him, and explain your concern over already fighting? You can suggest going together to see someone to work out the troubling dynamic.”

The kallah accepted the suggestion gratefully, but her chassan got angry, refused to go for any sort of help, and he broke the engagement. Mrs. Goldbaum points out that at no time did she tell her student what to do, but guided her to discover her own answers.

For “gray” scenarios, Mrs. Goldbaum shares another helpful rule of thumb. “If you’re handling a situation and see tremendous progress in a short time, then you’re the woman for the job. But if things are stuck, this needs further help.” So, for example, if a concerned mentee isn’t feeling better about her issue, or life hasn’t become more joyous in three to four weeks, then, says Mrs. Goldbaum, you’re barking up the wrong tree and need to refer on.

Mrs. David follows a similar approach. “If I immediately and naturally know how to help and it’s entirely within my comfort zone, then this is normal, and I’m here. But if a presenting problem overwhelms me or isn’t completely self-evident, I refer the women or couple for professional help.”

According to Mrs. Perl, there’s no need to be on high alert and look out for issues; they will present themselves. The clearest example is of a kallah Mrs. Perl taught, who fit the usual picture. She was animated and sparkling when talking about shopping, her dress, her wedding plans… only to deflate when talking about her chassan.

“Ugh,” she once told Mrs. Perl, “he’s calling later; I have to speak to him….”

This would be the type of situation that must catch an advisor’s attention, but Mrs. Perl cautions to tread with care when broaching the possibility of outside help. Often young women themselves are unaware of their issues, so it’s important to be gentle; and if there’s past trauma involved, which turned out to be the case with this young kallah, you don’t want to get into the details and re-traumatize her.

Mrs. Gelberman tries to teach her students to spot red flags for themselves. She tells them that much of what they’ll deal with falls into the realm of normalcy — but it needs to fit their definition of normal, so if something seems out of the norm, the issue should be explored.

At the same time, it must fit the mentor’s definition of normal, so if a woman addresses topics that seem disquieting, Mrs. Gelberman encourages further exploration of those issues with a mentor or rav.

On that note, it’s not unheard of for an untrained mentor to dismiss concerns as “normal” and to tell a new wife not to worry. “That’s generally a disservice to everyone involved — even when the problem really is normal,” says Mrs. Jacobson. “Hearing that problems are normal doesn’t usually make anyone feel differently about those problems. A person’s concerns, whatever they are, should be taken seriously and addressed fully. Even ‘normal’ concerns are worthy of attention and care.”

Telling someone not to worry, adds Mrs. Jacobson, does nothing to reduce anxiety or concern, and sometimes bigger problems are missed, which is exactly how Yael’s unease played out.

Creating Your Own Future

“Early intervention! Early intervention! Early intervention!” For Mrs. Gelberman, this is almost a mantra. She’s adamant that devastating marriage issues can often be avoided when addressed at the outset of a relationship.

“Barring serious and obvious dysfunction, little things stay little when caught early. Issues can and should be addressed in the formative years of a marriage so they don’t grow.” Also, if the issue turns out to be “no big deal” at this early stage, but crops up again later, it has already been pointed out so it will more readily register and hopefully be attended to responsibly at that later date.

“At the beginning of the relationship, you create your own future,” says Mrs. Gelberman. “Be careful not to create your own monsters.” She gives a not-uncommon example of a busy, working mother and wife who’s pulling her hair out from her husband who doesn’t as much as lift a fork at home. But in the early years of this relationship, he folded the laundry and she refolded it! He vacuumed, but it wasn’t up to her standards.

In this vein, Mimi David is well aware that her high-school students like to joke, “Go speak to Mrs. David, she’ll send you for therapy.”

“That’s fine, let them joke,” she says. “Young people have to get that help early in the game, and if parents aren’t pushed to get them the help they need, I’m going to pay for it later.” And amazingly, she does. With many young couples in kollel or otherwise struggling financially, if serious issues emerge after marriage, and therapy is warranted, Mimi raises the necessary funds to pay for it.

It’s imperative, she stresses, to deal with issues when it’s relatively “easy,” when girls are young and single and problems are mostly contained to the individual. The alternative is dealing with those same difficulties later, when the stakes are that much higher and there’s the complication of its impact on a new home, a husband, and perhaps children.

The majority of issues that arise in early marriage (and in many early divorces) can be tracked back to the dating experience, adds Mrs. Goldbaum. She’s seen that 98 percent of the challenges that engaged and newly married couples deal with are present on dates. The reason most singles miss the cues is because they weren’t taught how to date productively.

When Mrs. Goldbaum runs dating workshops for divorced women, the attendees invariably agree that mistakes made the first time around had been routed in the divorced couples’ dating encounters, though they only recognized it in hindsight.

Unfortunately, most of the women didn’t have an objective person to discuss those issues with. Often, Mrs. Goldbaum explains, parents and shadchanim are coming with their own biases and are thus unable to effectively pinpoint issues and properly advise the daters. It’s essential, then, for someone with absolutely no agenda and with the safety of the woman in mind, to be on hand through the dating process.

She stresses that if the necessary work is done starting with the first date and skills are properly developed through effective dating, then the rest of the relationship can build in a natural and healthy way.

By way of example, Mrs. Goldbaum brings up the anxiety daters feel during shidduchim. She explains that there are different types of nervousness or fear. There’s the unhelpful kind, in which a woman will be stressing over and over with questions like, “How do I really know if this is the right one?! What am I doing?!”

Generally, unhelpful fear gets in the way and is unrelated to the particulars of this relationship or this couple, but reflects the magnitude of the decision to marry… anyone. As a rule, general fear gets lighter, less intense, and less frequent after engagement.

Specific fear, on the other hand, is the helpful type and targets problems. If there’s something about him that a woman is uncomfortable with, that must be given serious attention.

Fears, anxieties, indecision — these are just breezes in the hurricane of complex challenges facing young people today. Ideally, every kallah, like Elisheva, should have a supportive team to guide her through life’s difficult moments. The greatest potential mentor, Mrs. David says, is “a levelheaded, wise mom. She’s the best person for a daughter to talk to and can be the ideal candidate — if that relationship is already well in place. But the facts are that this is often impractical, and that’s why good mentors are invaluable.”

Enter dedicated high school and seminary mentors, dating coaches, kallah teachers, and rebbetzins who help our daughters live, date, and marry smarter — equipping them with tools to build beautiful and stable Jewish homes.

“Are You My Mentor?”

Many young women today crave a relationship with a mentor, but they don’t know how to cultivate that relationship from scratch. Here are some basic dos and don’ts to finding the right mentor:

DO peg your candidate. Start by thinking of women whom you naturally clicked with, whether she was a high school or seminary teacher, a wise neighbor, or a staff member at camp. You’re looking for a woman who is discreet, intuitive, living her own stable life, and is a good fit for your personality; you want to know that she “gets you.”

DON’T simply talk to the person who is available and eager to advise. Beware of well-meaning friends, caring neighbors, and cousin Yochi, who are only too happy to “coach.” The person we turn to for mentoring must be someone whose life experience grants them the knowledge, wisdom, and heightened perspective so crucial for this sensitive position. Avoid leaning on women who are working through similar issues or are in the same place as you are, which erodes their objectivity.

DO call your candidate when you think she might be free and ask if she has a few minutes to talk. Explain that you have something to work through and you thought of her. No need to broach the topic of mentorship; move right on with your specific question or concern. Then gauge how it goes; if, after your interaction, you feel satisfied, enlightened, and lighter, well then, you’re on your way. A while later, try again when you have something you’d like to bounce off of her. Before you know it, you’ll have your de facto mentor.

DON’T shy away from making that call because you feel bad “wasting” someone’s time, or because you’re initially uncomfortable. People are generally happy to help as long as you’re respectful and are willing to call back at a convenient time. Don’t call with issues you don’t really need help with just for the sake of forging a relationship; leave it for when it will be helpful to you.

DO be sensitive to your mentor’s time. Always ask in advance for the best time to call. Typically, calls take around half an hour. If you find that you actually need an hour or more every week, you might consider going to a therapist.

DON’T give a mentor too much power or control; retain your critical thinking and bechirah chofshis. Recognize that your mentor is human — her help and advice should resonate, but a mentor is not a stand-in for daas Torah.

On The Front Lines

If troubling issues arise in early marriage, often the first person to hear about it is a kallah teacher. But what if she lacks the training and skills to guide the new bride?

“In our increasingly complicated world, we’ve found that our dedicated teachers desire — and benefit from — continuing education to prepare them for today’s challenges,” says Emily Jacobson, a founding member of Even LA (“Even,” meaning “stone”), an organization in Los Angeles, California, that was established by five busy women around a kitchen table to create “stepping stones to a stronger foundation” for Jewish homes. “Our purpose is to address community needs through education and resources.”

To better equip frontline teachers, Even LA offers training that’s often not part of the basic kallah-teacher curriculum. They tap experts on anxiety, obsessive-compulsive behaviors, addiction, domestic abuse, fertility, and postpartum depression, among other issues.

Retaining expert and credentialed professionals to present on the chosen topics, the overreaching aim is for kallah teachers to remain a supportive and available resource to their “kallahs” through the premarital phase and well into the married years.

Even LA can be contacted through Family First.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 671)