All I can think is... Should I have done  anything differently?

Last Week:

“Yehudis, listen. I don’t know if Mendy will be able to pick up the sensors.”  I start to babble. “I know they’re tiny and he’s going anyway. And I know that for you and your husband, it’s a no-brainer. But Mendy gets stressed. He’s so amazing with so many things, but errands and schlepping are not his thing. I’m so sorry, I wish we could be the type of friends that you guys are to us, but I guess right now, we can’t.”

My hands are shaking, my voice is trembling, and I think I have tears in my eyes; I can’t tell because my vision is all blurry.

Yehudis sounds surprised and maybe just a tiny bit forced when she reassures me that she understands.

“Maybe just ask him, though?” she suggests before we hang up.

But when I weigh all the options, it just didn’t seem worth the price — the toll it would take on Mendy, on me, on our marriage. I feel like the smallest person in the world, but isn’t this what they mean when they say we need to protect ourselves?

Do Your Bit

Chani

Yes, it was wrong of Aliza not to ask her husband to pick up the package. If Yehudis’s husband was willing to go to such lengths to help out, it’s only basic gratitude for her to ask her husband if he would be able to repay the favor. If he declines to go, it’s his prerogative, but at least she should have done her bit.

Selling Themselves Short

Shani H.

The Felds sound like the kind of neighbors that are too good to be true, as evidenced by Yehudis’s “OMG yaaaaay” when her husband is no longer needed to pick up the dresser. It is apparently not so easy for the Felds to be so accommodating, yet they do it regardless. Aliza is selling both herself and her husband short by allowing those “stretching yourself out of your comfort zone” muscles to atrophy. If nothing else, hakaras hatov for all the past favors is way overdue.

Something I’m Envious Of

G.P.

To say I felt validated by the protagonist in Second Guessing this week is an understatement, and I really appreciate you printing a perspective that many people in my life struggle to understand. I have friends who have family members with limitations — obvious limitations, like a physical disability or illness that everyone knows about. It’s terrible for them to deal with, obviously, and Hashem should alleviate their tzaros, but they have something I’m envious of: the compassion and understanding of their peers. There are allowances made, people feel good about extending themselves to help. For those of us struggling with less obvious limitations, it just looks like we’re dysfunctional, socially off moochers who can’t get it together... so we’re dealing with the reality of living with the disability, plus your judgment. Yes, sometimes a request that seems to be super minor from your perspective is just totally insurmountable from mine, and I only ask favors from people I know would feel comfortable saying no to me if it’s not convenient for them, the same way I sometimes have to. As much as I sometimes wish it, I can’t snap my fingers and have my family member suddenly turn flexible, easygoing, and tichtig. And explaining that to people in real life would be a terrible disrespect to my family.

Time to Stretch

Shira Paretzky 

I think Aliza really missed an opportunity here to repay Yehudis for all the support she’s given. If Aliza was able to tell her husband that he was renting a U-Haul and making the trip in the first place, it would not be too much of a stretch to add on one stop. Even if he wasn’t willing to handle the interaction with the doctor, I think she should have asked Rafi to take care of that part because he would likely not find it an issue. It’s a shame she seemed so boxed into one way of thinking and wouldn’t stretch a little to do a chesed, especially for a good friend in need.

Both Sides Now

G.C.

Life is a constant balancing act. Like Aliza, I have been in situations juggling different people’s particular needs and there is often no clear answer as to which need takes precedence. I have to just make the best decision I can at that particular moment.

I have also experienced Yehudis’s side in relationships, where I am being refused a relatively small favor after usually being the helping one. In that case I try to remember that people have different needs, strengths, and weaknesses and just because I am willing to extend myself for someone, that might not necessarily be possible for another person. What I have learned from these situations, being at either end, is not to judge other people, but to be dan l’chaf zechus and to hope other people will also be dan l’chaf zechus in reverse.

Challenge Him

M.R., Monsey, NY

Dear Aliza,

I really hear you. It must be so stressful to be responsible for everything and everyone.

Especially when your husband, through no fault of his own, has a hard time addressing certain things the way you would want. But every solid friendship has a give-and-take, and we need to make sure to keep it balanced.

Here are my two cents: Maybe you can try to stretch yourself just a bit and let go, instead of neatly arranging all the plans for Mendy. Give him the space and respect to do things his way, and you may just be amazed at how he rises to the occasion.

As an aside, I would think twice before pulling Yehudis’s husband into the picture, which can become a little sticky no matter how much of a nice guy he is.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 917)