My special son’s teachers say he should move to a group home — but I want him in mine

I’m at a crossroads in my life and feel very trapped. I’m the mother of a large family, and my middle child, Refael, has special needs. He’s high functioning, but over the years, we’ve weathered a lot of ups and downs.

As Refael nears adulthood, I’ve been advised by many professionals involved in his care to consider a residential apartment geared for his needs. In such a setting, close to home, yet far enough that he can learn to be independent, he’ll learn skills like meal preparation, grocery shopping, laundry — tasks that I can’t manage to teach him with my busy schedule at home.

But I’m so torn about this decision. While I know that obviously other kids grow and fly the coop, Refael will not be leaving to establish his own family. Doesn’t he deserve to stay with family that loves him?

He may initially be excited to be part of a group, but won’t he lose out on the daily gestures of love that come along with living with a warm supportive family? Do I prioritize being a good mother to the rest of my kids, or a mother to Refael who needs me more than the rest?

We’ve consulted with daas Torah who said we could send him, but that whether or not we should send him is a personal decision. How do I decide such a thing? Do I go with what my heart says, to keep Refael close so I can nurture him? Or do I bow to those who may be more objective than me? How can a mother choose?

Always a Mother

Rabbi Zev Leff is rav and rosh kollel of Moshav Mattisyahu, Israel. He is a prolific writer as well as a renowned international lecturer and teacher. In addition, Rabbi Leff serves as scholar in residence for many institutions.

As I’m not familiar with the details of this specific situation, I can only give some general guidelines that will enable this woman to make a proper decision.

First, what is the best option for the development and condition of her son with special needs? Will, in fact, most of his needs be provided for in the assisted-living facility better than at home? It’s worth noting that enabling him to gain skills and giving him a social environment will guarantee him a brighter future for the time when eventually his parents will not be able provide him with care.

Second, will his parents be able to visit him often and provide him with the parental love that’s also very necessary? Will they be able to bring him home for some Shabbosos and other special times?

Third, what impact will the presence or absence of the special needs child in the home have on the other children? If, in fact, both the special needs child and the other children will benefit from his being in the facility, then this mother’s love for all of them is expressed by enabling him to be in the facility.

Fourth, a mother’s need to shower her child with love is a reality, but this serves the mother’s need and isn’t necessarily for the child’s benefit. This mother should realize that, as the Michtav MeEliyahu writes, love is rooted in giving, and a loving relationship is engendered by giving. She should internalize the feeling that by giving her son what’s really best for him, she is in fact expressing her true motherly love.

Finally, this mother should never feel she’s abandoning her son, but rather providing him with what Hashem has decreed he needs in the most positive fashion.

If all these conditions are as I presented them, my feeling is that putting him in the facility is what daas HaTorah would recommend. However, if any of the conditions are different from what I described, then further consultations with Torah and professional sources would be recommended.

I offer the family a bircas hedyot that they have siyata d’Shmaya in making the right decision and in seeing nachas from all of their children, and for all their children to derive nachas from them.