Let’s judge our loved ones the way we’d want to be

B

ecause Hashem gifted us with the ability to perceive and analyze, we human beings are a “judgy” bunch. With just a smidgen of information or even disinformation, we make assumptions and pass verdicts. Of course, the world does this back to us, with disastrous results.

But we ourselves do it on a daily basis, especially with our loved ones.

Take this example: “My nine-year-old daughter is pretty nasty to her siblings, who she claims I favor over her,” says one mother. “I’ll give you an example of her paranoid thinking: This morning she was reading a book in the family room and her seven-year-old brother — a real sweetheart — decided to also read a book in the chair near her. She doesn’t like the way he breathes, so she told him to go sit somewhere else. He rightfully pointed out that he’s allowed to sit in that chair if he wants to. She started hysterically screaming at him. She’s always screaming at him. Anyway, when I heard the noise, I came and told her that she could easily have solved the problem by getting up and moving away from him. Then she started screaming at ME about how unfair I am and how I like her brother more than I like her!”

In this example, we see that Mom thinks her daughter is “paranoid” for feeling rejected in favor of a sibling. But is she paranoid? Mom already has a negative perception of her daughter before this specific incident occurs — we can discern this through her choice of words. In her short description of the problem, Mom describes her daughter as “nasty,” “paranoid,” and “always screaming” at her brother. On the other hand, Mom describes her young son as “a real sweetheart.”

Obviously, the previous reputation of these two children precedes them — and colors Mom’s judgment of the current situation. In fact, if the brother is always being screamed at, he knows exactly how his sister feels about him sitting close to her. Yet in a house with many rooms and many chairs, he chooses to read his book right next to his sister, understanding full well that she won’t appreciate this. Then he innocently claims his right to sit there when she protests. He also knows how this will end: Mom will come to his rescue. Yes, Sister will be the one who has to move! Gotcha again!

It’s so simple that even a seven-year-old old can figure out the dynamic, so why can’t Mom? One significant reason is that the story Mom tells herself gets in the way, causing her to make an unfair judgment.

We Do It, Too

But isn’t this an error we all tend to make? Once we’ve passed judgment, deciding for example, that our spouse is controlling, mean, and otherwise awful, then anything and everything he does will be filtered through that story. “He only bought me that gold bracelet to prove what a wonderful husband he is. He wants everyone to think he’s so good.”

Maybe.

But once we’ve decided who he is, “maybe” becomes a fact rather than a possibility. We’re sure we’re seeing it right.

What would happen to us if Hashem operated this way? How would we ever do teshuvah? “I see she’s got a selfish streak. If she’s acting all generous right now, it’s fake — she must have ulterior motives so I’m not giving her any credit for doing something good.” Would we want Hashem to view us in that rigid way? Or, if we’ve snapped at a loved one, do we want Hashem to judge us harshly while completely ignoring what the loved one did to provoke us?

Obviously, we want the benefit of the doubt when it comes to being judged.

That being the case and middah k’neged middah being the principle, it behooves us to look at our family members with fresh eyes. We could start off by telling ourselves a story about the goodness inherent in each of our loved ones (because we want Hashem to tell Himself a story about our own inherent goodness).

Then we could assume that if a loved one’s behavior looks incorrect, it could be because we’re viewing it from a biased perspective or that we are lacking sufficient information to understand it properly (because we ourselves have good reasons for our less-than-ideal behaviors and would like Hashem to allow us to explain them).

Finally, we could remember that people are complex and that despite tendencies, habits, and characteristics, humans are ultimately free to do new and better things at any moment (because we want Hashem to know that we can change despite our track records). Imagine if our loving eyes penetrated the hearts of all our family members — just imagine what that could do.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 961)