We should have zero tolerance for yelling and screaming

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here’s a technique so simple to employ, even toddlers have figured it out and routinely use it to their advantage. Our older kids are also excellent at it, as are our teens, adult children, and spouses. It’s called the “scare them silent” strategy.

It works on the premise that a loud voice and/or sharp words can cause sufficient pain to paralyze a full-grown adult. Here’s an example of the strategy in action. Mom is speaking to her 12-year-old daughter:

Mom: Leah, please remember to brush your teeth.

Leah: YOU DON’T HAVE TO KEEP TELLING ME THAT! I ALWAYS BRUSH MY TEETH! IT’S SO ANNOYING!

(Leah doesn’t actually end up brushing her teeth after that conversation because, as usual, she forgets.)

Going forward, Mom stops reminding Leah to brush her teeth so as to avoid unpleasant outbursts.

Fifteen years later:

Yitzi: Leah, it really bothers me when you yell at the kids. I think you’re scaring them.

Leah: I’M SCARING THEM? YOU’RE SAYING THAT I’M SCARING THEM? WHAT ABOUT YOU, YITZI? WHAT DO YOU CALL IT WHEN YOU YELL AT THEM? I CAN’T BELIEVE YOUR HYPOCRISY! IT’S TOO MUCH!

Yitzi soon figures out that giving his wife negative feedback isn’t worth the unpleasant conversations that follow. He stops criticizing her behavior, building a wall of distaste and resentment that he holds inside.

Twenty years later:

Esti: Leah, did you bring the gefilte fish platter? I don’t see it anywhere.

Leah: No.

Esti: Oh. I thought that’s the dish you signed up to bring.

Leah: I DON’T KNOW WHAT I DID OR DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR, BUT THIS POTLUCK THING IS WAY TOO DIFFICULT, AND IT REALLY DOESN’T WORK FOR ME WHEN I’M PRESSURED TO COOK FOR A CROWD ON A WEEK THAT’S SO OVER THE TOP AT WORK. JUST DON’T INCLUDE ME IN THIS ANYMORE, OKAY, BECAUSE I DON’T NEED MORE PRESSURE THAN I’VE ALREADY GOT!

The sisters-in-law learn quickly not to ask Leah to participate in the meal prep for family celebrations. They’re scared of her. Leah has successfully avoided taking any responsibility for her neglectful, forgetful, unfair behaviors and instead, has implied that everyone else is the “bad guy” for asking her to chip in.

Controlling the Room

Although people who use the “scare them silent” technique do succeed in shutting down unpleasant confrontations with others, they do so at the cost of having good relationships. When a parent, child, spouse, or sibling is afraid to speak openly and honestly, relationships are severely compromised. People “tiptoe” around the touchy person. It’s uncomfortable.

A simple, “My bad, I’m sorry, I completely forgot,” or “I’m sorry, it’s my fault completely; I shouldn’t have said yes on such a busy week” — is way too threatening for some people to enunciate. They lack the personal confidence to admit to making an error, as if by doing so they will diminish themselves into oblivion. Unconvinced that good people can make plenty of mistakes and that after doing so, they still remain lovable, they resort to making other people feel ashamed for asking, bad for “laying on the guilt,” unreasonable for making completely reasonable requests or expecting someone to honor their promises and commitments.

Those who rely on this manipulative tactic trade short-term relief for long-term trouble in their relationships.

When parents remain unimpressed by a child’s tantrums — refusing to change their own behavior in response to unpleasant communication on the child’s part — they can help the youngster avoid a reliance on the silencing strategy.

When spouses and other adults gently call out and/or simply stay “normal” in the face of twisted communication, the silencer may actually give up her strategy.

“We’re all busy, but if we want to enjoy a family get-together, then we each have to find some time to contribute. It wouldn’t be fair to foist all the work on just a couple of people.”

Speaking straight, if you have the courage to do so, can take the air out of the angry person’s balloon. It’s not always easy, especially for those who are conflict avoidant, but in the end it usually helps avoid conflict.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 964)