She looks good. There are telltale signs on her face — tender pink spots sprinkled across her skin — and her hand is bandaged, but she’s still our Shevy. Emotionally, she seems to be handling the trauma amazingly well. A clinical psychologist, Shevy managed to apply the tools of her trade to confront what happened to her. Seeing her now, we all feel a wave of relief, knowing she is going to be okay.

Shevy goes up to the counter to order. When she returns, Ariella makes a joke and  then we’re off, the conversation never lagging, scattered with laughter, confidences, and eager interruptions.

Meet My Support Group

We met while on vacation a few years before — one of those three-day women’s getaways. No husbands, no children, just women of different ages and backgrounds taking a sorely needed break.

The five of us found ourselves sitting at the same table in the dining room, swimming in the same end of the pool, and meeting in the lobby for late-night Boggle.

By the third day, I realized that we had found something rare. In the past few days, I had formed friendships such as I hadn’t had since my seminary days. And I wondered why. What was different—aside from the chance to relax—that allowed us to form such a strong bond in so short a time?

The answer didn’t dawn on me until I went home and picked up my life’s routine again. I realized that our connection was unique because it was formed on common ground that was independent of outside factors.

We women fill so many roles—wife, mother, daughter, daughter-in-law, and, often, breadwinner. And we define ourselves by these roles. When we attend a wedding, we go as “Mrs. So-and-so.” When we are shopping, we are “Shira’s mommy.” At a family simchah, we are “Debbie’s sister,” or “Mrs. Schwartz’s daughter.” This is valuable; after all, it’s important to know who you are and where you fit.

But what happens when you are out of your normal environment? What if you meet people who don’t know you in the context of wife, mother, or co-worker?

You then have the opportunity to be just you and connect with other women simply because your personalities click — not because you’re neighbors or because your husbands are chavrusas.

Although the five of us had spent only three days together, and our neighborhoods and ages were diverse, we became, and have remained, fast friends — a proof of the tried-and-true Chazal that friendships independent of outside factors are the ones that endure.

At first, we got together a couple of times and met again at the next getaway, but our busy lives and disparate locales didn’t allow for more. Then, a few months ago, each of us was going through particularly challenging periods. Shevy’s burn accident, sudden financial strains, difficult children, a new business to run, made us suddenly realize that our get-togethers were not a luxury. We decided to meet regularly, once a month.

“Everyday Ups and Downs” Anonymous

When you think of support groups, you probably call to mind Overeaters Anonymous or Parents of ADHD Kids. In such settings there are specific issues to work out, and the groups are led by professionally trained facilitators. Discussing challenges with others in the same situation can bring encouragement, insights, and coping tools.

Although my friends and I are not a formal support group, we benefit from each other in a similar way. You could call it the “Everyday Ups and Downs” support group. Our daily lives demand so much of us. There is always something going on — whether a simchah to organize, a crisis at work, or a family difficulty — and sometimes just getting through the day can leave us gasping. Knowing that we have a monthly infusion of support and advice if we need to talk about something specific, or a chance to just de-stress and recoup, is a vital boost.

But why make it so official? If you need a friend, pick up the phone. If you’re in the mood for an iced coffee, you can usually find someone to go with you.

Perhaps… But it’s not always that simple, is it?

Often, we push ourselves to soldier on rather than unburden ourselves to a friend because we don’t want to be deemed a complainer. And we find ourselves making quality time with friends our lowest priority, because we have so many obligations and responsibilities. And on the rare times we do go out, isn’t the outing always tinged with just a little bit (or a lot) of guilt?

But in reality, social interaction itself promotes mental and emotional well-being. And such well-being is essential for accomplishing our varied roles.  Studies show that spending time with friends improves cognitive performance, which lowers the risk of developing Alzheimer’s (research courtesy of Ilana, who runs memory workshops for the elderly).

So our monthly get-togethers are not only fun — they’re vital. And in order to make them work, we’ve established some ground rules.

The Rules

One of the fundamental elements of our group is the ability to discuss difficulties and personal conflicts. It’s essential that we have the trust and confidentiality of each member. With that in place, we’re comfortable exposing our weaknesses, knowing we’ll receive unconditional support.

Recently, Chedva told us about a difficulty that has left her husband without parnasah. Not a unique story, especially in these times. But this is Chedva, not just a statistic. As she tells us of her troubles, her throat catches. I reach over and squeeze her hand. Then Ariella, who is closer to Chedva than the rest of us, makes a quip, realizing that Chedva needs to regroup. Our attention shifts, this time to Shevy, who is finally ready to tell her story.

When the accident happened, we didn’t know all the details. Of course we offered our help, but we didn’t ask questions. This was our gift to her — patience, allowing Shevy to tell us in her own time.

That’s rule number one: No judging. We accept each other for who we are, because that’s what brought us together in the first place.

Another rule: You can wear whatever you like — dress up or dress down. And everyone chips in with the food.

In a group of five, there will be some who pair off. If we were back in high school, this would be fuel for gossip and jealousy. But not with us. Whatever occurs between us outside our group does not intrude on our monthly gatherings.

Some of these rules are unspoken, and we take them as a matter of course. Others we’ve established over time. The group is still evolving, but so far it’s working, and it’s become an essential part of our lives.

Just “Friend”

At the next meeting, I arrive late and harried. A deadline kept me from leaving on time, and my mind is still on work. It takes me a good fifteen minutes to relax. When I finally settle, a salad and bagel in front of me, I make an announcement: “I decided to write an article about us.”  I pause, waiting for their reactions.

Will they feel that I’m exploiting our meetings? Or will they see what I see — that we have something special and can encourage others to do the same, to take time out of life to share with friends.

“Go for it!” says Shevy.

“Great idea,” says Ilana.

“Thanks, I think so, too. But don’t worry,” I add, “I won’t use your real names.”

“Why don’t you want to use our real names?” asks Chedva.

“Do you want the whole world to know about your parnasah problems?” asks Ilana.

“Oh, right. But I still think an article is a great idea.”

The subject soon turns to the bas mitzvah party that Chedva just made for her daughter. She brought pictures of the event to show us. As the others admire the photos, my mind is already on the article I’ll write. Suddenly, a remark Shevy made pulls me out of my reverie.

A comment a colleague made the other day threw her for a loop, and she’s still mulling it over a week later.  I miss the story, but catch the end of the tale.

“I know I shouldn’t get upset about something so minor,” she finishes. “I tend to be a bit melodramatic and should just forget about it.”

“But we love your drama!” I say. “Otherwise you wouldn’t be you.”

“That’s right,” says Ilana. “You can’t change your whole personality.”

“But you don’t want to be a slave to it either,” Chedva adds. “It sounds like you’re taking the comment more seriously than it was meant.”

Shevy smiles, content. With us, she knows, she doesn’t have to be anyone other than herself, but we wouldn’t lie to her either.

“Time to go,” says Ilana, jumping up. “If I don’t get back in time for lunch, my five-year-old won’t let me hear the end of it.”

She leaves amid hearty good-byes and well wishes. The rest of us linger, enjoying a few more minutes with each other before duty and responsibility barge back into our lives.

This is what our get-togethers are about. To give us time to be ourselves — not mother or wife, daughter or bubby. Just us. Just friend.

Set Up Your Own “Support” Group:

Spending time with good friends on a regular basis can be a vital support. But to make it work over the long term, it’s a good idea to set some ground rules. You can formulate your own rules to fit your specific group, but here are some suggestions:

• Be aware of group dynamics. Make sure that the group “clicks.” Positive interaction is essential to any support group.

• Set a regular time. For example, designate every Rosh Chodesh, or the first Tuesday of the month, for your get-togethers. This way everyone will make sure to keep the day open.
• Be committed. Even if one of you can’t make it, get together anyway (unless you are a group of two). Too many cancellations and the group will fall apart before it begins.
• Serve refreshments. The meetings are supposed to be relaxing and enjoyable. Part of the idea is to give yourself a break, a “mini-getaway.” Prepare favorite foods, celebrate a birthday, or meet in a favorite restaurant. Alternatively, you can do an activity together, like a game of Pictionary. But make sure that the setting allows you to talk freely in case there is an issue one of you wants to discuss.
• Keep it casual. If you make them too demanding, the get-togethers won’t happen. Don’t expect a dress code and don’t require fancy foods that need a lot of preparation.
• Avoid friction. If a friend tends to be negative and cut down others, she may not be ideal for the group. Acceptance is the key, and that means no judging.
• What’s said in the group stays in the group. If you’re going to provide support for each other, you have to be able to trust each other. One way to ensure that trust is by keeping the discussions confidential.