A vi and Chaya had been married for around two years and were living a seemingly pleasant life together in suburbia when she called me for a consultation. They were both professionals and had gotten married a bit later than some other folks yet life was good. They owned a home had a baby and were happy with their friends and with their local Orthodox synagogue.

But Chaya was concerned that Avi had become distant over the past few months and Avi would get furious when they discussed it. As it turned out Avi had an alcohol problem and was sliding back into his old pattern of binge drinking that he thought he’d overcome long before they’d met.

The session was pretty straightforward. Chaya expressed her concerns which Avi initially denied before admitting that he was “off the wagon” and had started drinking again. The psycho-education part went well: We discussed alcoholism and the effects it had on Avi’s mind and body as well as how it affected his loved ones. Chaya set clear limits regarding what she would and would not tolerate in their house and Avi seemed to hear her. He seemed sincere when he promised that he was committed to sobriety for the sake of their marriage and their baby Ezra.

At the end of the consultation they thanked me for my time and Chaya let me know that she would be in touch to schedule a follow-up appointment at some point later in the week. Avi asked to stay and talk for a few minutes which was fine with me.

“I feel like such an idiot!” he exclaimed. “I don’t know what happened but I slipped back into my old drinking habit and now I’m messing up my life big-time.”

It was tough to disagree with Avi so I just nodded my head. I asked him a couple of questions about his alcohol abuse and it was clear to me that while he wasn’t using alcohol daily at this point he was definitely at risk of an explosion if he didn’t get his drinking under control soon.

I asked him “Would you be willing to go to a rehabilitation program?”

“Don’t have the time Dr. Freedman ” he answered. “If I miss any more work this year then I’ll probably lose my job. The firm was already upset enough by the fact that I missed basically two full weeks back in September for the chagim.”

“Avi you could lose a lot more than your job if you don’t get help.”

“You know you’re kind of just judging me Dr. Freedman.… Don’t you know that it’s my wife who’s driving me crazy and causing a lot of this mishegas?”

I had to be careful. He was upset and I was at risk of losing him. That being said I decided I’d swing for the fences. “I think we should take a poll of your friends and ask them if it’s your drinking problem that’s ruining your marriage or Chaya’s ‘driving you crazy’ that’s causing the problems. What do you think?”

“Okay fine you’re right ” he grudgingly admitted. “But I’m not going to do rehab. I don’t have 30 days or 90 days now like I once did when I was younger. Plus my wife needs me at home. End of discussion.”

“Well what would you be willing to do then in order to save your marriage?” I asked. I decided to use a technique called motivational interviewing to try and get him to commit to some form of treatment while the iron was hot. “Would you be willing to go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting every day?”

“AA groups?” He seemed as surprised as if I’d suggested that he move to North Korea. “That’s for goyim! Don’t you know that Alcoholics Anonymous was started by missionaries?”

Having had this conversation a number of times over the years I was prepared to answer his claim. “Don’t you know that’s the biggest fallacy about AA groups? While missionaries might see Alcoholics Anonymous as a way to teach people about G-d certainly most AA groups aren’t about giving up Hashem to go and join another religion. They’re about getting your life back through sobriety.”

“Well even if it’s not for missionaries... I still don’t think I’m interested Dr. Freedman. I once went to an AA group back in law school and it was a bunch of drunk and depressing old Irish guys smoking cigarettes in a church basement.”

I was also prepared for this one. “Then you can go to the meetings every morning at South-Side Young Israel.”

He shook his head and told me “No way. Then everyone at shul will see me walking into the meetings and will know why I’m there.”

The yetzer hara always comes up with the best excuses but luckily I had an answer to this as well. “The meetings are held in the social hall upstairs before Shacharis so no one is around to know except the folks who are also there for the AA meeting.”

While I’d nearly hooked him Avi wanted to try one last time and asked “But what if people say lashon hara about me and tell each other that I have a drinking problem? That’s definitely a reasonable concern don’t you think? How can I just put my respectability on the line like that?”

“Avi ” I said “if you’re worried about what people might say if you go to Alcoholics Anonymous you should be infinitely more worried about what they’ll say if your wife divorces you and tells everyone it’s because of your drinking problem.”

This kal v’chomer seemed to be the nail in the coffin and Avi agreed to go to his first meeting the following morning.

“If you want I can tell Shlomo to pick you up tomorrow morning to make sure you’ll get there ” I told him.

Avi was clearly shocked. “Shlomo who runs the hashkamah Shacharis minyan? He goes to AA meetings at the shul?”

“Yep.” I nodded my head. “Shlomo actually runs the AA meetings and will be happy to pick you up tomorrow morning and drive you there along with Elliot Dov Jerry and the rest of the guys in the community who no longer have a secret drinking problem.”

“You win Dr. Freedman ” Avi said as he shook my hand while I walked him to the door.

“Baruch Hashem Avi. Today we both win.” (Originally featured in Mishpacha Issue 659)

Jacob L. Freedman is a psychiatrist and business consultant based in Jerusalem. He serves as the medical director of services for English-speakers at Bayit Cham a national leader providing mental health treatment and outreach within the religious community.