“Parents considering giving a young child a device must proactively teach about proper behavior, derech eretz, and self-control necessary for technology use”

The Question

My son has been begging me for a kosher music device. Is there any concern that this is a gateway that will get my child hooked and kasher the idea of having a portable device?

Rabbi Yerachmiel Garfield

The concern is not only whether a device is a gateway to more problematic influences, but rather what it does in the here and now

When I reflect on technology’s ever-growing presence in our homes, I wonder if we are the frog in the simmering pot of water — slowly being boiled before realizing it’s time to jump out. There is no question that music is a powerful, even ruchniyusdig, influence on children, and allowing them to access it through a kosher handheld device seems harmless, even beneficial. But at what point are we gaining more than we’re losing?

As our children are introduced to handheld devices at increasingly younger ages, we must recognize the broader implications. Beyond any specific concern about content, these devices fundamentally alter the way children interact with the world. They can easily become a source of distraction that pulls them away from meaningful human connection, from family, and, ultimately, from their avodas Hashem.

A forum like this should push against the tide, to encourage parents to pause and consider the long-term impact of these seemingly innocent devices. All parents, of course, must decide what is best for their child. But we cannot lose sight of the larger picture — the profound shift that these technologies are bringing to family life and chinuch.

How often do we see a family sitting together, with children each engrossed in their own screens, oblivious to those around them? Or children visiting their grandparents, absorbed in their devices, unaware of where they are?

We shouldn’t only be concerned as to whether a device is a gateway to more problematic influences, but rather about what it does in the here and now: It fosters self-absorption and disengagement.

Parents who are considering giving a young child a device must pro-actively teach about proper behavior, derech eretz, and self-control necessary for technology use. This is not a simple task, but with proper thought and planning it can be done. It ensures that we do not, chas v’shalom, become disconnected from one another and, ultimately, from the Ribbono shel Olam.

Rabbi Yerachmiel Garfield is the Head of School at Yeshiva Toras Emes of Houston, and the director of the Yeshiva Leadership Group.

Rabbi Ari Schonfeld

Your job as a parent doesn't end with buying the device, and let's face it, if you do say no, you haven't solved the problem

As always, variables matter — how expensive it is, your son’s age, the culture around you. I will assume the following. It’s not too expensive, your son is 11 to 12 years old (any younger is too young), and many boys in his class have one.

I can only share the advice I’ve given my own parent body when this question comes up.

Buy it!

Music is an incredible source of chiyus and a wonderful outlet. But it’s even more than that — we sing, we dance, we even close our eyes and daven to music.

Just recently I was driving some eighth-grade talmidim on a class trip. They begged to play “Name that song in five seconds.” I was blown away by how many songs they knew. (I finally stumped them on “Karahod!” from a 2003 Avraham Fried album.)

Yes, I am aware of the challenges. “But some of the music is barely Jewish… I don’t want these performers to be my child’s role models… My son won’t go to sleep at night… Next he’ll want a smartphone….”

My response is simple. Your job as a parent doesn’t end with buying the device. Teach him which singers are derhoiben. Explain to him the power and depth of certain lyrics, both Hebrew and English.

Will some of his songs drive you crazy? Yes. Will you frown at some of his choices and even sometimes tell him, “That singer is not meant for boys like you”? Perhaps. (My parents would kvetch about anything trendier than Carlebach: “Es hut nisht kein Yiddishe taam!”)

But if your role models are your rebbeim and roshei yeshivah, you can be confident that your son’s will be as well.

Will he want a smartphone next? Why should he? There are thousands of wonderful bochurim who have kosher music devices and would never think of getting a smartphone. One device doesn’t necessarily lead to the next.

One last thing: If your son begs you for a kosher music device and you say no, do you really think you’ve solved the problem? His friends know all the popular camp songs. The Friday kumzitz in yeshivah has all the latest hit heimishe songs. He loves music. And the reality is that even if we (hi, Daddy) still have CD players, to our children, those are relics of the past. You will ultimately cause your child to believe you don’t understand him. And he will find his own way.

Have faith in yourself as a parent to lead. Have faith in your children to follow. And let them enjoy the sweetness of a niggun.

Rabbi Ari Schonfeld is the Menahel of Yeshiva Ketana of Manhattan and Bais Tzipora of Manhattan, and director of Camp Aish.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1053)