“You can choose power or you can choose influence. But you very rarely can have both”

The Question

Is it a school’s prerogative to have rules that apply outside of school hours, and to decide whether and how to enforce them?

Rabbi Yerachmiel Garfield

When schools focus on imparting values, it's not about setting rules but about communicating expectations

Rules that cannot be enforced effectively are often pointless. Take, for instance, a hypothetical case in which a teacher demands that students not think about purple elephants during a lesson, to maintain focus. Such a rule is absurd because it’s unenforceable and unobservable, making it inherently ineffective. This might be an exaggerated example, but it illustrates the futility of unenforceable rules.

I recall an incident with a new rebbi at my school that highlights this point. To demonstrate the absurdity of certain rules, I would text him, “Hello, I’m on the plane,” during flights when phone use was prohibited. This was to show that rules without enforcement mechanisms are meaningless. Although he is no longer at our school, I think of him every time I fly, and I often still use that as an opportunity to say hello to an old dear friend. Therefore, when schools attempt to impose regulations outside the school environment, they risk creating rules that seem arbitrary and set the stage for failure.

Instead, schools can focus on imparting values. They can educate parents on their expectations and aspirations for their children, explaining the traits of students who thrive in their environment. This approach is not about setting strong rules but about communicating expectations.

This approach could extend to the interview and screening process for new students, with the hanhalah asking the parents directly if their values align with the school’s ethos. Any rule-making beyond these parameters risks trivializing the concept of rules and detracts from the genuine opportunity to convey values in these critical areas.

Rabbi Yerachmiel Garfield is the Head of School at Yeshiva Toras Emes of Houston, and the director of the Yeshiva Leadership Group.

Rabbi Ari Schonfeld

You can choose power or you can choose influence. But you very rarely can have both

I

once heard a very important idea from my great uncle, Rabbi Immanuel Jakobovits, former chief rabbi of the United Kingdom. He was speaking regarding the challenge facing the chareidim who were starting their own political parties in Eretz Yisrael, but I think it’s relevant for yeshivos as well. It is something that I, as a menahel, strive to keep in mind: As someone in a position of authority and leadership, whether as a parent, a rebbi, a morah, or a principal, you have two options: You can choose power, or you can choose influence. But you very rarely can have both.

It goes without saying that of course we need rules. And a hanhalah may feel that there are rules necessary even for outside of learning hours to maintain the culture and the standards of the school. There are important rules about bar mitzvahs, bas mitzvahs, family values… and sometimes these rules are vital for upholding the standards of our yeshivos. There will,  of course, be times when we feel the need to enforce these rules, even if it is painful to a student and his family.

But whenever you’re deciding on the appropriate consequence for a misdeed, keep in mind that if you exert your authority without attempting to be influential — forgetting the human side of the equation — then you are missing the opportunity to have an impact on the lives of your students.

Now, maybe not every scenario in life requires that. But if you always choose the power option over the influence option, and you think that everyone you’ve had to discipline will leave your institutions with feelings of respect and derech eretz for leadership figures, you’re mistaken. Therefore, we have to constantly weigh that tradeoff.

There is a very choshuve book on chinuch written by Rav Yechiel Yaakovson called Spare the Child, in which he discusses this tradeoff between control and chinuch, between power and influence. To sum it up, if you make these big rules and then enforce them heavy-handedly, throwing kids out for infractions for which people often look the other way for… well, you may have won the battle, but you’re going to lose the war.

Rabbi Ari Schonfeld is the Menahel of Yeshiva Ketana of Manhattan and Bais Tzipora of Manhattan, and director of Camp Aish.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1051)