How can you develop your own personal integrity? Here are five ways to move in that direction

Integrating Integrity

Esther Goldstein LCSW 

When it comes to character traits that are globally admired, integrity is near the top of the list. Having integrity means that you live life by your values and morals, without getting distracted by personal gains.

How can you develop your own personal integrity? Here are five ways to move in that direction:

1. Make the right choices

As frum women, we’re fortunate to be exposed to values and morals from a young age. We learn to be kind, respectful, and honest — to abide by rules that keep us refined and gentle in our speech and behaviors. Still, as humans, we struggle: “Should I repeat that piece of gossip, invite that friend, smirk at the lady who has a funny accent…?” On a daily basis we get to choose between living, working, and “loving” within our ethics and morals or become lax. Living consciously means taking ownership of whether your actions — in every sphere and relationship — align with integrity.

2. Personify integrity to own it

Be open and clear about your morals and ethics, and keep them consistent. You can invite those close to you to challenge you when they see you act or speak out of line with your values. For example, “Hey Rachel, you said that you value respecting children and not just telling them what to do, but I saw you brush your nephew’s question away. Can you explain that to me?”

3. Stand proudly by your beliefs

We all have moments when we need to choose to stay quiet or stand up. Please, stand bravely and proudly by your beliefs. You’ll come across as someone more respectable and confident, and you’ll leave the situation feeling at peace with yourself.  If you’re navigating a sticky situation at work with a colleague, think about how you can support your mutual goals while still satisfying your ethics.

4. Surround yourself with those who live with integrity

Surrounding yourself socially with those with a high moral compass, and who live within their ethical boundaries, will improve your life on many fronts. Likewise, limit the time spent with those who have different values to you, so you aren’t negatively impacted by their choices. As social creatures, we are impacted by those we spend time with!

5. Keep your word, always

I imagine you and I both know who we can truly rely on, and who we’d rather not depend on. Having integrity means keeping your word — to others and to yourself! On a daily basis, we make commitments, and it’s easy to forget them or push them off, but each time we do so, we jeopardize the safety and trust of the relationships we’re in. Think twice before committing to something, as it’s far better to commit to less, but show up when you promised you would, then to say yes, but only show up half of the time. Please note that keeping to your own commitments are just as valuable. Take care of yourself as you would someone you deeply love. Integrity to yourself and your inner world matters!

Esther Goldstein LCSW is an anxiety and trauma specialist who runs a group practice called Integrative Psychotherapy & Trauma Treatment, in the Five Towns, Long Island, New York. Esther also has a trauma training program for therapists.

Why Are You Here?

Sarah Rivka Kohn 

You took the plunge, you found a therapist, and now you’re starting your work together. Your therapist can help you transform your life — but she’s going to help you, not do the work for you. Entering the therapy room as a passive participant is a surefire way to invite confusion and, ultimately, failure. You need to own the process.

Ideally, at the start of the therapy process, there should be a conversation between the clinician and client focused on one question: How will you know when “it” gets better, whatever the “it” may be?

There’s a mistaken belief that success in therapy cannot be measured. There’s also a mistaken belief that achieving goals is only for a CBT therapist — or that any work in therapy takes years.

It is true that sometimes movement in therapy can be slow, especially if addressing issues that are deeply rooted.  It’s also true that big goals and success can take months or years to reach. However, there should be measurable mini goals, markers that you can reach along the path to health. By identifying “getting better” markers, we allow ourselves not to be consumed by the big picture, and to celebrate achieving the “small” goals along the way.

For instance, if someone’s days are consumed by anxiety, creating a goal of “I will never feel anxious” is unrealistic. Instead, think about how you would know you’re getting better. Is it that you can now use public transportation and cut commute time? Is it that you attended a wedding and stayed longer than you normally do? Is it that you can manage a panic attack on autopilot? Is it that you’re sleeping more hours than before?

If you wait to achieve only monumental goals, you’re more likely to feel overwhelmed and discouraged, and leave therapy too soon. If after a few months (sometimes you get lucky and it’s a few weeks!), you can reflect on these mini changes, your body and mind will be motivated to continue the hard work.

Sarah Rivka Kohn is the founder and director of  Zisel’s Links and Shlomie’s Club, an organization servicing children and teens who lost a parent.

Check for Fraud 

Sara Glaz

Cyber fraud and identity theft are rampant these days. While it’s important to monitor your bank accounts regularly and use caution when you share your private information, don’t forget to check your credit report yearly from Equifax, Experian, and TransUnion.

Annual reports are free, and this will give you the opportunity to see if any credit cards were opened in your name without your approval, or if there’re any unfamiliar debts in your name. You can also check to see if any companies pulled your credit report without your knowledge or authorization (a clear indication of a potential fraudster at work).

Kids’ identities can be stolen as well, so while it may take more effort to see if they have a credit report, it might be worthwhile to look into it every few years until the child reaches 18.

Sara Glaz is an investment advisor and financial planner at The Munk Wealth Management Group in Cedarhurst, New York.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 802)