How do we ace this in-law relationship dynamic? In a line: Establish healthy boundaries while showing respect and love

Inside the In-law Relationship

Abby Delouya RMFT-CCC, CPTT

You call them Ma and Ta, or Shver and Shvigger, or Madame and Monsieur (if you’re traditional French Moroccan). Your in-laws are important people in your lives and it’s possible to have a respectful, loving, and supportive relationship with them. (I’ve seen it many times!) Sometimes, though, the relationship isn’t as smooth, and can be a source of sadness and upset for everyone in the triangle — biological child, in-law child, and parents.

We all want our spouses to have healthy, close, and loving relationships with their parents. We want an additional set of parents to admire and learn from, to rely on for support, to give nachas to. That doesn’t always happen though….

What happens when the parent-child relationship isn’t properly differentiated and feels inappropriately close and enmeshed?

What happens when there’s a lot of criticism, a lack of boundaries, meddling from the in-law parent?

What happens when the new bride feels threatened or intimidated by her shvigger — despite the shvigger’s impeccable boundaries and loving encouragement?

What happens if the couple thoughtfully chooses some sort of divergence from family tradition, observance, or customs, and the parents are hurt and judgmental of their choices?

What happens when Hashem sends us challenges, like chas v’shalom illness or death, and suddenly children are thrust into the caregiving role?

What happens when there are shalom bayis issues, and the married child goes to a parent — either in-law or biological — and dynamics and loyalties change rapidly and not always for the better?

The above and other complicated dynamics can put a strain on the couple relationship, add stress to the lives of grandchildren, and potentially turn into a very difficult situation — with the couple turning toward their parents and away from their marriage, or the couple turning inward but isolating from their parents/in-laws, which is very painful for all parties involved.

Even mundane situations can turn sticky. Hubby only likes Mommy’s potato kugel — and you can tell. Daddy gives his daughter luxury gifts when the couple struggles to pay the bills. Ma and Ta drop in unannounced and as much as we love to see them, sometimes it’s super inconvenient, but Hubby feels bad to tell them. There are countless possible scenarios.

So, how do we ace this in-law relationship dynamic? In a line: Establish healthy boundaries while showing respect and love. Keep these ideas in mind:

The Torah tells us that we’re meant to leave our parents and cleave to our spouses — to create our own homes as a separate unit. This can only happen if the spouses have unilateral allegiance to each other. A mother can no longer be the dominant woman in a man’s life (or any manifestation of that concept: mother to daughter, father to daughter, etc.); no couple will reach their full potential in marriage without this psychological break from their parents. This does not mean to ignore, cut off, or disrespect your parents — it means that the focus and mutual support is within the coupleship.

Kibbud av v’eim. This mitzvah does not cease when we get married, so with the first principle in mind, look together as a couple for ways it works to honor your parents. Sometimes parents and in-laws may be challenging — do what you can, when you can. An unhealthy boundary was crossed and you can’t bring yourself to visit that week? Phone or send flowers. It doesn’t work for the family to go in for Yom Tov? Send a photobook of the kids and some chocolates. (In rare cases, some relationships can be damaging or dangerous and it may be crucial to create some distance. However, this is a serious decision that should be made with a rav and a licensed mental health professional.)

Mutual respect: Your in-laws brought the person you love into This World. For this reason alone, they are awesome. When there are differing opinions and ideas, work on being open to a parent’s experience and wisdom. If something is bothering you, be careful how you speak to your spouse about it — and others as well.

When we daven for our children’s futures, we are essentially davening that we become a shvigger one day. Let’s keep that in mind, and strive to be the type of daughter-in-law we hope we’ll have.

Abby Delouya RMFT-CCC, CPTT is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice with a specialty in trauma and addiction. Abby lives in Monsey, New York, and maintains her practice in Canada.

Starting Off Successfully

Sara Glaz

Chaya Rena is beyond excited to get married. Wedding dress? Check. Apartment? Check. New kitchen appliances and stunning towel sets? Check and check. Knowledge of how to make a budget? Um. Write a check? Eh. Get life insurance? Errr. Before your kallah walks to the chuppah (or your daughter enters adulthood), there are five major financial areas she should be familiar with.

1. How to Create a Budget

There’s no shortage of resources that can teach your daughter how to create a budget and use it. However, make sure she learns how to budget in a “savings” component as well. While ensuring that expenses don’t exceed your income is vital, habitually socking away some cash into an emergency fund (followed by investment and retirement accounts) are also of paramount importance. Plus, making this a habit can mean a more financially secure future.

2. Opening a Bank Account

Take your daughter on a field trip to the local bank and ask to sit down with a banker. Ask the banker to explain the difference between a savings and checking account (and how to open each), what the interest rates are for each account, and hopefully even a quick lesson on CDs.

3. Taxes: Paying the Piper

Turbotax can be beneficial but having a real accountant to discuss things with can be a game changer. Introduce your daughter to an accountant who does personal tax returns. Your daughter should know what she needs to supply to her accountant when it comes time to “do taxes.” Plus, when she starts a new job and fills out a W-4 form, it’s beneficial to have someone guide her.

4. Credit Cards and Building Credit

It’s helpful to start a credit history sooner rather than later. Does your daughter know how to use a credit card responsibly? Make sure she understands how the billing works (minimum monthly fee versus paying it off fully each month). Also, make sure she understands the concept of credit and how to use it responsibly. (Yes, you buy now, pay later, but will you have guaranteed money in the future to pay it back?) Teach her how to check her credit score and credit report. Hint: Experian, Transunion, and Equifax.

5. Insurance — Health, Life, Auto

Health insurance can be confusing for anyone. Make sure she knows how health and dental plans work and when she’ll need to pay more than just her monthly premium. (What’s co-insurance? A deductible?) There’s also life insurance — when and how much life insurance does the chassan and kallah need? What’s the difference between term and whole life? How does one shop around for auto insurance?

Ensure that your daughter walks into her new home armed with solid financial information and you’ll help her create a foundation that will hopefully benefit her for decades.

Sara Glaz is an investment advisor and financial planner at the Munk Wealth Management Group in Cedarhurst, New York.

Boundaries Build Love

Sara Eisemann

“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” —Prentis Hemphill

Ahh, boundaries. We love them and we hate them.

We can feel guilty that we aren’t that tzadeikes who has no needs or limitations on her time, space, and love. But the fact is that most of us are humans, not malachim. Resentment is the currency of demands. When we feel we must, or that we’re expected to do more than we can, it can squelch the flow of connection. Boundaries allow us to build connection as we give from a place of love.

Sara Eisemann LMSW, ACSW, is a licensed therapist, Directed Dating coach and certified Core Mentor.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 797)