“Thank you for all the Double Take articles. Each one is a true lesson in the mitzvah of dan l’chaf zechus”

Blank Screens [Guestlines / Issue 993]

Thanks so much for the wonderful article by Rav Aryeh Kerzner shlita. The point about balancing empathy for Klal Yisrael with the need to stay positive deeply resonated with me personally.

After October 7, I was so consumed with the dreadful news and the constant bleak updates in the news that I literally went to work every day — and just stared at a blank screen. I felt that the anti-Jewish attitude and the situation for our children in Eretz Yisrael was becoming so intense that I simply couldn’t energize myself to operate effectively, and I got fired as a result. I then realized that as noble as it is to feel the pain of Klal Yisrael, Hashem doesn’t want us to wallow in our agony, but to lift ourselves up and contribute to a better world.

Since then, I’ve made a commitment to check the news once a day before I go to sleep, and that’s it. My effectiveness in life has dramatically improved since, and opportunities in parnassah have since born fruit.

Shimon Freund

Insensitive and Oblivious [Outlook / Issue 993]

I usually love reading Rabbi Rosenblum’s articles. They’re informative, inspiring, and well-balanced.

With all due respect however, while reading this week’s article, a particular sentence struck me as very insensitive and oblivious, to say the least: “Even the Nazis yemach shemam did not kill Jews with a comparable bloodlust.” I’ve heard similar sentiments since October 7 from various sources in various forms, and I can’t help but ask, why? Why, in order to highlight Hamas’s atrocities, do we need to downplay those of the Nazis?

All eight of my great-grandparents are Holocaust survivors, which is probably why this touches me deeply. So many of their parents, siblings, friends, and family members were killed — in the gas chambers, through starvation, illness, forced labor, medical experiments, through guns, violence, and electrocution. Their houses, businesses, assets, and all their belongings were stolen and confiscated while they were laboring in the camps. They came back to nothing, were forced to emigrate to a country they knew very little about, and had to rebuild life from scratch. To claim that their tormentors had “less bloodlust” is deeply unsettling and disturbing. Why are we doing that?!

I understand that the reason this sentiment is accepted by some is because the atrocities committed by Hamas are more relevant and relatable, with tangible evidence, videos, and live witnesses. However, does our historical distance from events like the Holocaust make us forget what we, as a nation, went through?

We’re in galus, and unfortunately, Amalek is after us and will continue to hate us until Mashiach comes. All that changes throughout history is the name of Amalek. There were times when Amalek adopted the names “Crusaders,” “Romans,” and “Greeks,” and more recently, it’s been “Nazis,” and “Hamas.” Nothing really changes. It’s all from the same source — anti-Semitism and yes, bloodlust — and let’s not forget, from the same Source, Hashem.

My intention in writing this email is to raise awareness and to stand up for our ancestors’ suffering. It bothers me that, just 80 years later, the memory that was once deeply seared into our consciousness is slowly starting to fade.

E. M., Brooklyn, NY

Yonoson Rosenblum responds:

Thank you for your feedback. My intention was not, chas v’shalom, to minimize in any respect the heinous deeds of the Nazis or to suggest that the horrors perpetuated by Hamas on Simchas Torah are in any way comparable to those of the Nazis over a period of six years or more. Anyone who has visited the death camps or studied the Holocaust knows of how many seemingly “ordinary Germans” engaged in unimaginable sadism. I was suggesting only that in one respect the fiendishness of Hamas exceeded that of the Nazis. The latter at least tried to hide their deeds at war’s end; the former proudly recorded and broadcast theirs.

A Lesson in Gratitude [For the Record / Issue 993]

This past week’s beautiful tribute to Rav Dessler concludes with his traveling for hours by train just to thank Rav Leizer Silver for assisting his son, Rav Nochum Zev, when he arrived in America.

It seems that the middah of hakaras hatov was ingrained in Rav Dessler’s children. My biography of Rav Chaim Ozer Grodzenski includes a subsection on his nephew Rav Dessler, for which I interviewed Rav Nochum Zev. When the book was published, Rabbi Meir Zlotowitz asked that I send an inscribed copy to Rav Nochum Zev. Shortly thereafter, I received a beautiful letter from him in which he thanked me for writing about his father and for sending him the book. I was grateful to receive the letter, but not surprised.

However, I was surprised to receive a phone call from Rav Dessler’s daughter, Rebbetzin Henya Geldzahler, whom I had not interviewed. She had read the book and wanted to thank me for writing about her father. I don’t think I ever received a phone call like that before, and it was a lesson in hakaras hatov that I hope I will never forget.

Rabbi Shimon Finkelman

Who Knew? [The Last Shtetl / Issue 993]

Although I live in St. Louis, I have the zechus, as a kallah teacher and a mikveh mentor for Mikvah USA, to teach kallahs all over the world. (Literally! I recently taught a kallah from Serbia!)

Not long ago I was asked to teach a secular kallah from Brooklyn’s Sheepshead Bay area. Based on her name, Elina, and her darker complexion, I assumed she was of Russian or Sephardic ancestry. On our first Zoom call, I asked her about her family history and if she was Sephardic. She said no, and that she was not Ashkenazic either. I was confused, to say the least, as I didn’t know there was another option.

She explained that her family and her chassan’s family were Mountain Jews, hailing from Azerbaijan. I had never heard of Mountain Jews before, but, as they say, you learn something new every day. I got to learn about a whole new heritage and about a whole group of Jews with a fascinating history.

I was pleasantly surprised to see the article in this past week’s Mishpacha about the Mountain Jews. Reading about their background and deep connection to Yiddishkeit despite their geographic isolation was fascinating! The article also helped confirm the authenticity of the yichus of the kallah I taught. Apparently, Mountain Jews are a thing!

I will be sending a link to the article to Elina, proud to have learned more about her family’s rich Jewish heritage.

Keep these fascinating articles coming.

Mimi David

St. Louis, MO

To Make Rebbi Proud [The Balkind Boys / Issue 992]

Although I was (obviously) never a Balkind Boy, I did have the zechus of being a colleague for a short time.

In 1983, my future mechutan, Rabbi Dov Lent, advertised for a secular studies teacher for a new, alternative school he was opening to service boys who didn’t fit into the box of a mainstream yeshivah. In 1983, this was a novel concept, but we soon had an enrollment of mixed ages, abilities, and yes, varying degrees of “zitzfleish.” The boys had interesting backstories, but all were amazing kids and had lots of fun and energy.

Rebbi Balkind was, if I remember correctly, pretty much retired by then, but he agreed to become a rebbi to these boys. He was a master mechanech: a mechanech’s mechanech. He was strict but very loving, and the boys felt safe under his wing. They learned and felt accomplished.

Rebbi didn’t stand for any nonsense, and the boys loved him for it. A couple of times, in desperation, I turned to him for help, and whatever infraction that was occurring ended. Until the next one!

Rebbi Balkind kept the boys in line and kept me sane. At one point he told me I should be teaching limudei kodesh, but I explained that I wasn’t qualified or capable. Even as I said it, I felt I was disappointing my father... That was the impact Rebbi had on everyone, even on a female secular studies teacher. We all wanted Rebbi to be proud of us.

There were a couple of occasions in later years when I did teach the odd limudei kodesh class, and I remembered Rebbi’s encouragement.

Your article brought back so many memories of a wonderful mechanech, the likes of whom we probably don’t see these days. Thank you for publishing it.

Hindy Lewis

Ramat Beit Shemesh, Israel

Immediate Awe [The Balkind Boys / Issue 992]

I read with great interest Riki Goldstein’s article, “The Balkind Boys.” I still clearly recall attending the 19th annual Pirchim Siyum Hamishnayos in Manchester as an 11-year-old from Gateshead who already had the zechus of being hosted by the esteemed parents of Rabbi Eliyahu Falk ztz”l.

During the farher, I was sent to the table of a very choshuv-looking rabbi whom I did not know. He immediately put me at ease, and at the conclusion smilingly told me that I had passed. As he was filling out my gold certificate, he inquired as to my name and where I was from. When I responded, he asked whether I was the son the Reb Yosef Bas.

“Please give him my best regards,” he told me. “My name is Rabbi Balkind, and I used to be his rebbi!”

I was immediately struck in awe of him, thinking, “What? He was my father’s rebbi?” I felt as if I were in the presence of Moshe Rabbeinu, and I could not wait to get back home a couple of days later and proudly show my father z”l the certificate signed by his rebbi of nearly 30 years previously.

Yankel Bas

Antwerp, Belgium

Connected to the Alshich [The Balkind Boys / Issue 992]

I loved the article on Reb Yonah Balkind ztz”l. Even though I never knew him, my zeide, Reb Yosef Bas z”l, was a talmid of his in the very early years of his cheder.

Last year, Rabbi Y.Y. Rubinstein mentioned “the Rebbi” in a shiur he gave here in Manchester. He mentioned that he had asked Rav Yaakov Hillel shlita — another former Balkind Boy — if he thought Reb Yonah was a gilgul of the Alshich.

Rav Hillel, in his down-to-earth way, said he didn’t know, but it does show the connection his “boys” made in their minds between the Rebbi and the Torah of the Alshich.

Rabbi Rubinstein told a story of when he came into a luggage shop in Manchester and the heimish proprietor wasn’t there. Instead, there was a worker with a flat cap and a proper Manchester accent who helped him find what he was looking for.

When he was writing the receipt, he said to Rabbi Rubinstein, “You think you’ve come here to buy a bag, don’t you? Well, you’ve come here to tell me a devar Torah. And I don’t want just any devar Torah, I want an Alshich!”

Rabbi Rubinstein realized that this wasn’t a non-Jew, but another Balkind Boy.

Many thanks, Mrs. Goldstein, for all your excellent articles.

Aaron Chaim David

Plan in Advance [On the House / Double Take – Issue 992]

Thank you for the important service you do through Mishpacha magazine, bringing to light issues affecting our community. The Double Take feature, despite portraying fictional events, regularly reflects common but unacknowledged realities of our lives, helping to foster important public and private conversation.

As estate attorneys, we were especially drawn to the recent Double Take story “On The House.” As usual, the two sides were presented brilliantly, giving real validity to both. But while two wrongs don’t make a right, it is often the case that two rights make a wrong.

We were surprised to find, rather deep into the narrative, that the mother in this case in fact had an attorney and a legal will. While each side of the story presents an understandable position, the attorney in the story certainly did not competently represent the client.

When clients consult with us, we make sure to discuss the details of the family situation and assets. Having a child living in the parents’ home is cause for a full discussion of the complications this situation presents and possible solutions. After proper consideration, their decisions are then reflected in their estate-planning documents.

The options in this circumstance may include allowing the resident child a specified amount of time to reside in the house after the parents’ death before selling the house, and providing the resident child the right to purchase the house at fair market value from the siblings, perhaps at a certain discount and under favorable terms. We also suggest to our clients to name a third party (family friend, relative, accountant, etc.) to act as an arbiter should a conflict arise. Of course, each conversation is tailored to the specific financial situation and family dynamic.

The entire tension-filled situation described in the feature could and should have been avoided before the mother passed away — with a proper estate plan. Perhaps the children would not have been happy with every detail, but having any plan is clearly better than having no plan at all. Furthermore, in situations as delicate as the one presented, we would encourage parents to discuss their plan with their children so that there are no surprises later.

So what would we advise Tzippy, Nussie, and the rest of the wonderful “Double Take” family now that they find themselves in this mess? First, we would note that Tzippy’s use of email to communicate with her siblings, while surely intended to de-escalate the situation, clearly had the opposite effect. We would advise keeping the conversation in person or having a disinterested third party assist with all communications.

As to the practical question at hand, we’d likely advise that while the siblings have the technical right to require that Tzippy and Shmuel vacate immediately, it would be proper to allow them six months to arrange a new place to live.

Thanking you again for your wonderful work.

Baruch Greenwald and Hillel Weiss

Greenwald Weiss Attorneys At Law

Offices in Brooklyn and Lakewood

No Better Legacy [On the House / Double Take – Issue 992]

As a professional with over 50 years of experience in wills and estates, I was pained to read of the family caught up in the tension of the Double Take. While it is inappropriate for one not directly involved with the particulars of the given family to give advice, it may be helpful to others facing a similar situation to grasp the benefits of planning ahead. Often the breakdown of family shalom is the classic failure of planning.

Planning means giving consideration to the challenges that inevitably are raised. Does assuming the responsibility for parents’ care result in an outsized entitlement to the estate? Does rent-free living translate into full payment for 24-7 care of parents? Does appreciation for assuming responsibility and providing services end with a battle after shivah? Are the assets of the estate sufficient to meet everyone’s expectations?

In truth, there are no simple, one-size-fits-all answers. Reading the case presented, one senses the sincere desire for shalom. Each has a legitimate position.

So what can advance planning accomplish? Proper planning and communication will define the limits of expectation, avoid surprises, and remove the difficult, uncomfortable posturing from the siblings. Most importantly, a clearly defined plan provides a road map that the family can travel b’shalom.

Some suggestions: Consider expressing appreciation for assuming responsibility by way of a specific cash bequest proportionate to the size of the estate, leaving a fair share for all the heirs to share equally. Consider a sale, negotiating a leaseback for six months or a year. There are many variations to fit the particular family setting. What is most important is for there to be a realistic plan that is communicated to temper expectations on all sides. There can be no better legacy than a family b’shalom.

Allan J. Gibber

Stretching Our Muscles [On the House / Double Take – Issue 992]

Thank you for all the Double Take articles. Each one is a true lesson in the mitzvah of dan l’chaf zechus. It is so well done that for the most part, after reading the first account, one cannot even imagine what the other side might be. But of course, Side Two is always compelling and thought-provoking.

In the story “On the House,” the solution seems very clear to me. From personal experience (as a secondary caregiver), I know that the primary caregiver has a huge, time-consuming responsibility, and in this case, the whole family benefited from Tzippy’s incredible care for both parents.

Yes, she greatly benefited from living in the house, but the rest of the family benefited in a myriad of ways, even financially since they didn’t have to hire outside help and caretakers which are generally huge expenses. Nobody knew how long their mother would live, and somehow they would have managed without the money from the sale of the house until that became available.

The siblings should honor Tzippy’s request to either give more time or help her with the expenses of moving and furnishing. If they must sell right away for real estate reasons, they should contribute to Tzippy’s family generously, given that they will be making more on the sale than they originally anticipated, because of the market.

Thank you again for helping us stretch our “benefit of the doubt” muscles!

S. Freishtat

Jerusalem

No Time to Remain Silent [Poison Ivies / Issue 990]

Thank you for your article on the rise of anti-Semitic hate speech on university campuses. Hate speech is often a prelude to victimization. While freedom of expression is an important value in America, the United States does have laws meant to control hate speech.

If citizens call out to a Jew “from the river to the sea” and throw things at a Jew (as happened to my family member in Brooklyn), they can be prosecuted under law 130 (criminalizing hate speech). If someone defames a Jew, he can be prosecuted under Chapter 14. Social media platforms can be held liable for unchecked hate speech under the Network Information Act. They are legally obligated to curtail and immediately report any and all hate speech to authorities.

I think our hishtadlus involves more than just bitachon and Tehillim, Torah, and chesed. We can and should take advantage of these legal enforcements. My recommendations would be to:

• Write to the government officials like Elise Stefanik who support Israel (even when they are not from the same locale) and thank them. They are few and far between and need our encouragement.
• Ask our elected officials to start cracking down on hate speech by pushing local district attorneys to maintain a zero-tolerance policy. District attorneys can bring charges against offenders using laws that already exist.
• Create class action lawsuits by fired doctors and professors against American universities and their boards of trustees. Sue the universities by name not only for loss of jobs in state courts, but for loss of free speech in federal courts. Why is the first amendment being selectively applied to exclude the voices of victims of terror?
• Lobby our federal and local government officials to create criminal and civil laws that clearly define hate speech and differentiate between speech targeting innocent people and speech targeting terrorist organizations. Under the new laws, it would be illegal to be verbally or materially sympathetic in any way to a terrorist organization whose charter calls for murder. There will be no moral equivalency between hate speech targeting the death of innocent people and speech calling out terrorist behaviors.
• Lobby our officials to start enforcing the new laws. Did Dr. Benjamin Neel at NYU get fired for criticizing those who support Hamas? Haul the administrators of NYU to court, and let a jury decide their fates. Did numerous professors like Dr. Darren Klugman get fired from their university positions by speaking out against Hamas (unlike the university presidents of colleges who got coddled)? Haul the university management to court, and make them answer uncomfortable questions about it to ascertain if they are criminally and civilly liable.
• Lobby the IRS to revoke the nonprofit status of #MeToo; it seems Tarana Burke cares about all victims of abuse in the world unless they are Jewish. Campaign against them so people giving donations to MeToo know that this organization does not support Jewish women.

Consider the reality in Germany: Denying the Holocaust is illegal in Germany today. So is praising Hitler, wearing an SS uniform, and using the swastika image. Social media must take an example from Germany and control and report hate speech.

Our liberties are being stripped away as we watch silently. If these events were to happen in Germany, the perpetrators (like university managements) would literally receive jail time. I don’t think America’s standards should be any lower than Germany’s, of all places. I don’t think that we need to endure another Holocaust, chas v’shalom, to pass these vital laws.

And I do think that we all must agree that the status quo is absolutely unacceptable. We dare not pass up this opportunity to learn from history. Let us join together and remain silent no more.

Name withheld to protect my academic credentials

The Muscles We Built [Works for Me / Issue 990]

I really appreciate so many of Shaina Keren’s Works for Me columns, but I paid special attention the December 13 installment featuring an employee who feels underpaid and has been working at five different places over ten years. The writer mentions having a father-in-law in chinuch and a father who passed away young as reasons for the fact that he or she doesn’t have a network of advisors.

I always thought I would tell my kids, “I’ve been working at the same job for 15 years” — that’s the kind of stuff I grew up hearing. While it’s not quite that way, I did three years in one place, eight in another, and nine years in the space I’m in currently. I would say this is true of many my age, and less so of those seeking employment more recently.

As an employer, I think many of us value long-term team players. Nobody stays on forever — that’s understandable — but I think many employers provide salary increases when they see a visible, tangible level of commitment. Working in five places over ten years means an average of two years in one place. This might play a role in the lack of raises and upward mobility, because your employer may be saying, “Hmm, before I invest, let’s see if she sticks around, based on the résumé and past performance.” Just some food for thought.

In terms of losing a parent: I find that those of us who lost a parent during our childhood have honed unbelievably hardworking muscles, if only for survival alone. Don’t underestimate how powerful those kinds of muscles can be in the workforce. I keep meeting super-successful people in business who come from backgrounds similar to what you describe, who groped in the dark and had zero family support to fall back on.

The Links Family organization currently has an amazing team of legal and financial professi       onals who use their expertise to help our families after they have lost a parent. Using that model, these wonderful men and women in business want to set up a division to help adults who, like this reader, lost a parent as a child or teen and now need a space to get helpful, confidential business advice and guidance. This team is still in formation and there are some slots still open for those who are ready to give back.

Potential supporters can reach me via Mishpacha.

Sarah Rivkah Kohn

Founder & Director, Links Family

Linksfamily.org

They Need Our Help [Operation Home Front / Issue 987]

A few weeks back Mishpacha ran an article about some local Anglo-Israelis who saw a need among the many displaced families who found themselves homeless after the terrible attacks of October 7, and stepped up to help out with finding apartments and many other forms of assistance.

I reached out to these people through Mishpacha to see if they need help from us Americans and people around the world and the response was overwhelming. There are tons of needs that are not being taken care of that we can’t even begin to imagine. Yes, many displaced families are back home, but many are out of work; many don’t have their husbands home to work and provide, as they are fighting on the front lines. They need loads of emotional assistance, both for themselves and their children, and dealing with this trauma will cost each family thousands and thousands of shekels. Most of these people never had that much money to begin with, and they have nowhere to turn. The government isn’t taking care of all of this and many local organizations are completely maxed out.

We are sitting here in comfort, we can’t imagine what they are going through. I figured, let’s try to help out these regular local families get back on their feet as much as we can. We can provide financial assistance to people who need it – with all that they are going through, at least the financial burden doesn’t have to hold them back from getting the help they need.

If you’re interested in joining this effort, I can be contacted via Mishpacha magazine.

Thank you and tizku l’mitzvos.

Trying to Help

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 994)