“There is a huge problem in the frum community when people trust others just because they are frum, without researching and inquiring about their qualifications”

Like Surgery [Warning Bells / Issue 968]

Thank you for your article “Warning Bells.” The story was painful to read and one that sadly happens all the time.

When I hear someone tell me of certain experiences with their therapist, I will often gently ask, “Do you know if the person is licensed?” To which I get one of these three responses:

1) You think Person X would send me to someone who isn’t?! Yes, I actually think they may not know or they may not know its importance.

2) I always saw a certificate on the wall — it must mean they’re licensed. Nope. I have certificates from many of the grief trainings I have taken. I am in no way licensed, nor would I treat anyone, but yes, I do have (well-earned) certificates on the wall.

3) They’re somatic/CBT/IFS certified — they don’t give those certificates to people who are not licensed, right? Wrong. Practically anyone can take some of these certification courses without having a license. They could be a coach or just about anyone who chose to learn these modalities.

4) You think all licensed people are good and all unlicensed are bad?! I can tell you lots of crazy stories with licensed clinicians… and I can tell you lots of great stories with unlicensed practitioners! So just to clarify: A license does not make one a good person nor a good clinician. A license, as Rabbi Babad said in the article, is simply a starting point.

There is no surgical procedure in the world for which a person would go under the knife thinking, “I don’t care if the surgeon went to medical school… it’s just a paper! Some people just have it in them!”

Why? Because we believe that surgery is a combination of science and skill and that the wrong move can chas v’shalom damage the patient for life.

What we don’t always realize is that therapy is also a combination of science (research) and skill, and yes, wrong moves can chas v’shalom damage a patient just as severely.

Are there bad surgeons? Sure. Are there bad therapists? Sure. Are there some skilled with horrors of bedside manners? Yes. Are there some with wonderful natures but terrible skill? Also yes. Are there some much better for some people than others? Yes.

The reason a mental health referral agency is so important is that they deal with many more callers than someone’s neighbor or friend, and so they get a better sense of whether this clinician is actually worth your time and money.

Ironically, in the frum community, there is hardly anyone who would go through major surgery without one of our amazing medical referral organizations involved — but they absolutely would consider going to some therapist they heard about from a third cousin in passing without even verifying the basics.

So many important points were made in the article. I hope our community takes them to heart so that so much pain is prevented.

Mrs. Sarah Rivkah Kohn

Founder & Director, Zisel’s Links & Shlomie’s Club

Linksfamily.org

Vet Before You Platform [Warning Bells / Issue 968]

Thank you for your feature on red flags when seeking or in therapy. The input of Relief Resources for perspective is well-placed. The organization, envisioned by trailblazer Reb Sendy Orenstein, is a most helpful resource for individuals as well as rabbinic leaders in making recommendations for mental health professionals with data and wisdom. Professionals are carefully vetted with responsibility.

Let me point out an additional way to get a sense of a therapist. Check out the marketing the professional does as well as his or her membership in professional organizations. Is the therapist claiming to fix all problems in his advertising? Is he or she using social media in a way that violates codes of ethics? Is he or she attacking other people by name?

It behooves our organizations to check out the speakers they feature in their public education programs and fundraising efforts to ensure that the Torah public is not misled. Is a large following on social media reason to give a therapist a platform that implies an endorsement? Should bikur cholim organizations and groups that subsidize therapy vet therapists to whom they are giving the community’s tzedakah?

These are important questions for responsible organizations.

Faigie Horowitz, MS

The Rest of Us [Warning Bells / Issue 968]

Dishonesty and lack of license are two very different points. Practitioners who are dishonest should not be trusted even if they have a license.

I have seen licensed therapists talk and act with their loved ones in ways that made it clear I could never trust them as my mentor. That’s without putting them on a pedestal at all.

There are unhealthy individuals out there, and the type of schooling they had won’t heal their issues. And I’ve seen unlicensed mentors using innate chochmah given by Hashem that has helped people reach beautiful places. And there are those who are able to combine the two. That is beautiful, too.

Of course those with real trauma or mental diagnoses should generally only seek out therapists with certification who specialize in their areas of struggle. But the rest of society, with the more general nisyonos of life, can often benefit tremendously from someone who deeply cares, understands, and empathizes without viewing their client as a science project to analyze and decipher in a lab. (I’ve sadly seen this more times than I want to.)

Hatzlachah with finding the best shaliach.

Name Withheld

When Therapy Destroys [Warning Bells / Issue 968]

This is the first time in my life that I am writing a letter to the editor. The article titled “Warning Bells” really touched a raw nerve, since I have a close friend whose life was destroyed by such a “therapist.”

There is a huge problem in the frum community when people trust others just because they are frum, without researching and inquiring about their qualifications. This is similar to the affinity fraud that occurs with financial schemes in our community. However, the fallout of an unscrupulous or even well-intentioned untrained or unlicensed therapist is far worse than the financial ruin brought about by Ponzi schemes.

There are numerous organizations that work to prevent molestation and other forms of abuse in our community, and some that will even publicize the names and photos of the perpetrators in the hope that the publicity will prevent further victims. We need more of a community effort to “out” the people who are messing with the minds of our most vulnerable population. As the article made clear, people seeking therapy are usually in a vulnerable state and it is easy to take advantage of them in an unprofessional “therapeutic” environment.

There is a practitioner in Yerushalayim who presents herself as an expert trauma therapist among the Anglo population, despite not having a degree or licensure in counseling or social work. She is responsible for destroying tens of families. In my friend’s case, she saw my friend for five-plus hours per week, and had multi-day stays at hotels together with my friend. My friend developed an “addiction” to the therapist, which ultimately led to the dissolution of her marriage. Although there were moments when the “therapy” seemed to be helping my friend, it became apparent that this was akin to the high an addict gets when using drugs.

I write this in the hope that publicizing the story can raise the alarm and raise awareness, and prevent this person from breaking apart more families.

Name Withheld

The letter-writer can be contacted through Mishpacha

I Felt Your Pain [The Gift of Silence / Issue 968]

Thanks for your publication, which I rarely have the opportunity to read in full. This week I treated myself and sat and read… and would like to address Binyomin Yudin, for his honest, wrenching recounting of what he and his wife endured almost nine years ago. My heart is with you and I felt your pain as I read your devarim hayotzim min halev.

My daughter lost her pregnancy during shanah rishonah. As a mother, it was very painful and difficult to know the right thing to say to be mechazek my daughter and son-in-law. Interestingly enough, they later told me that one of the things I said that gave them a lot of chizuk was that when Mashiach comes, they will be reunited with this child. It made them feel the loss was not final, and there was a purpose to what they endured.

But the message I really want to share is: kudos to the ATime organization, who (upon my request) sent them a very meaningful package that really helped them deal with their loss. Nobody should ever need it, but it’s good to know it’s available.

May all Yidden have nechamah and nachas and only simchahs and besuros tovos. May these days of aveilus change to yemei simchah very, very soon!

Name Withheld

Guest Composer [Standing Ovation / Issue 968]

In his wonderful, informative, and entertaining Standing Ovation column, Reb Dovid Nachman Golding mentioned that the well-known “Mimkomcha/Kol Mekadesh” tune that appears on the Melitzer Oneg Shabbos album was a composition of Rav Elimelech Horowitz of Melitz.

While this would seem to be the case — after all, it appears on an album titled Melitzer Oneg Shabbos — the song is actually a product of famed Bobover composer Reb Ezriel Mandelbaum. And it is not the only song on the album that wasn’t composed by Rav Elimelech. From the back of the original LP cover:

Cantor David Werdyger was the “Meshorer” of the Melitzer Rebbe when he was a young boy and he personally selected the niggunim for this record. One of the selections, “Hu Elokeinu,” was composed by David Werdyger himself, and for several others he chose the words to go with the niggunim.

Thank you for a wonderful magazine.

S.L.

Spring Valley, NY

A Bridge Too Far [Rose Report / Issue 967]

As usual, your columnists bring their wisdom to their work and stir the reader to think more deeply about the issues. I have some thoughts to share regarding Binyamin Rose’s recent article about RFK Jr.’s candidacy and his chances for victory.

Yes, there are issues that will be touted by both liberals and conservatives. Yes, former president Trump had an uphill battle. However, some of Mr. Kennedy’s views are outlandish and need to be known before we consider electing him to what is increasingly becoming a more and more controversial job.

I grew up in the ’60s and remember how much my Brooklyn-born parents, who came of age during the later years of the Depression era, loved the Kennedys. I, as a little girl, loved them, too. Nevertheless, we all grow up and change.

I voted for Donald Trump twice eagerly, but now hope he miraculously changes his mind and puts the good of his nation ahead of his ego. RFK Jr. has some issues that to me lessen his stability and rational thinking. Mr. Rose pointed out that his views on Israel are controversial. Gone is the era of Henry Scoop Jackson and Daniel P. Moynihan, prominent liberal Democrats, yet devoted to the State of Israel, and supportive of all its military needs. Today it is far more difficult to find a similarly minded politician on the left.

Mr. Kennedy is a major conspiracy theorist. I understand some of his views but he takes them to a place that is just not rational. There is his desire to release Sirhan Sirhan from jail, in opposition to his family and to eyewitnesses who saw him murder RFK Jr.’s father.

His anti-vaccine stand is also way too radical in that it explicitly states that the government is trying to poison us. I think that Mr. Fauci was not so honest and did have economic gains from the Chinese. But I do not believe that my government wants me dead.

Finally, we must keep politicians’ personal lives somewhat out of the picture because there are very few exceptions — perhaps Mike Pence, Nikki Haley, and Tim Scott seem to live an upright lifestyle. However, RFK Jr.’s wife committed suicide when he left her amid scandalous circumstances.

Initially, for a brief moment, I thought a new next-generation Kennedy might be what America needed, but unfortunately I now must say no to him.

Clarisse Schlesinger

Precisely What You Admired [Where Baalei Teshuvah Stand / True Account — Issue 967]

Regarding the True Account article that quotes a woman stating, “It’s not possible for baalei teshuvah to fully integrate into the frum community,” I say in response: Perhaps fitting in isn’t necessarily our thing.

We baalei teshuvah tend to have a fire in us, an independent spirit that guides us to want to do what’s right even when we don’t fit in. That’s how we got here! If we were so focused on fitting in, we would still be secular. Instead of having a nebach attitude toward us for this often true characteristic, consider looking at the good of where this has brought us.

The front page of this magazine just lauded a young man who, as your magazine stated, “made that decision [to forgo a cross-country running competition on Shabbos] on his own, with almost no outside support,” and made a decision to “go against the grain” even though he “found himself isolated.”

My dear FFB friends, will you still admire and respect these qualities in him 15 years from now when he is fully frum and living in your community? Or will you chas v’shalom keep him at arm’s length, due to the very qualities that got him there in the first place?

As a baalas teshuvah, will I ever fit in? Probably not. It’s not my nature to not be myself. I have baalas teshuvah friends who try so hard to integrate into the FFB world and that’s great if it works for them, but for me that would mean a loss of dignity and a loss of myself.

But may I suggest that we try to learn from each other? Many of you are my mentors, and I have learned so much from you about how to live an emesdig life devoted to Torah and mitzvos. I’m not a nebach if I’m different from you. I don’t look down on you for being different from me, I look at how I can learn from you. Perhaps you could look at my independent spirit and admire me today for what you thought was so amazing when I gave up everything and went against the grain to become frum so long ago.

A Baalas Teshuvah

The Forest Beyond the Trees [Principle of the Matter / Issue 966]

Thank you, Mishpacha, for yet another Double Take, giving us an ending that isn’t perfectly packaged with a bright red bow, leaving room for open conversation and introspection.

In the ideal world, all frum schools would be funded like public schools, all frum parents would be able to afford full tuition for their large families, and the standards of living in the frum community wouldn’t have risen to such extreme levels as to make tuition an expense rivaling over-the-top simchahs, high-end frum clothing, and a standard of living that somehow everyone needs to meet.

The reality is different, however, and our schools are constantly in need of funding. Our family has tremendous hakaras hatov to the wealthy families that form the financial pillars of our community, and without whose support our local schools would not be able to provide our children with the wonderful chinuch that they are zocheh to receive.

One thing that I am sure everyone reading this story agreed upon was that the wealthy mother’s actions were completely inappropriate, and that this wealthy family should have been giving to the school with an open hand, not expecting special treatment in exchange. While the story depicted an extreme example of abuse of affluence, how many of us have had to explain to a child why a Purim shtick gone wrong ended up with all but one wealthy child being punished, or why there is a certain child from a wealthy family who does not follow a certain school rule seemingly without consequence, or why a specific girl was given a prestigious job that everyone, including the girl herself, knew she didn’t deserve, just because she has a certain last name?

My husband and I have always felt it important to address the “injustices” with our children and explain the reality, in order to lighten the blow when similar situations arise in the future.

If this young teacher hadn’t been blinded by the injustice of this reality and seen the forest beyond the trees, she may have been more open to accepting what her principal, a veteran mechaneches, saw right from the start — that the school and her students needed the support of this family, and that even if it was “not right,” compromising at the beginning could have prevented the situation from escalating to an even worse outcome.

Of course there are red lines that need to be drawn regarding certain chinuch decisions, which hopefully the Vaad Hachinuch and the board work out in advance, but the winner of a weekly contest in the early grades simply isn’t one of these. By insisting on her way, this young teacher only had what to lose — for herself, the students, the school, and ultimately the community at large.

My husband and I realized that our many past discussions with our children had come to fruition when they all nodded in agreement when, after reading the Double Take story, we concluded the above. And we were even prouder when our high school daughter added another point often voiced in our family around these Double Take stories — that had any of the protagonists had spoken to a rav, this story would certainly have ended very differently.

A parent who tries to be mechanech her children to do what’s right, but to also see the forest beyond the trees

Principles Do Come First [Principle of the Matter / Issue 966]

The Double Take story “Principle of the Matter” made my blood boil, and I’m grateful the characters are fictitious so that I feel no compunction railing against them. There were so many things wrong with the actions and attitudes of so many people, that it’s hard to know where to begin, so I am going to focus on the most egregious statement in the piece: “Sometimes it’s more important to be practical than to be principled.”

No. No. And again, no.

No, it is never more important to be practical than principled. Imagine that as a school’s slogan. “Practical Over Principle.” Not a place I’d send my kids; how about you?

Let’s imagine a list of things that are more practical than principled, shall we? Working on Shabbos so you don’t lose your job is practical. So is wearing whatever clothing is available on the rack at five dollars each at places like Walmart and Target, instead of long-sleeved, high-necked shirts and long skirts. It is more practical to cheat on a test than to fail it and not get into the school of your choice. To bring an example from real life, it would have been more practical for Rivka Ravitz to shake hands with Joe Biden or bow to the Pope than to risk making her people look bad. We — and they — celebrate her for doing the opposite by sticking to her principles. Need I go on?

The very definition of a principle is that it guides one’s life and actions regardless of practicality. No person ever became a baal teshuvah because they put practical before principle. No person ever achieved any kind of greatness — at least, what a Torah Jew should consider greatness — by putting practical before principle.

On the flip side, let’s delineate some “principles” that Mrs. Schreiber has unwittingly reinforced for her board, parent body and students: 1) money is more important than anything else; 2) if you have money, you can steamroll over others; 3) a school’s support depends not on HaKadosh Baruch Hu, but on a specific set of wealthy parents; 4) it’s worth standing up for what’s right — unless your job is on the line. I’m sure you can think of more.

If I could tell Layla one thing, it would be, “You’re liable to lose your job over this; might as well do it on your terms. Imagine the lesson to your students when you chose to leave your job rather than be unfair to them. Imagine being able to tell a prospective employer that you left your job over your principles rather than having to defend your being let go.”

If I could tell Mrs. Schreiber one thing it would be, “Your first and foremost job is to educate the children under your tutelage. The message you have just sent them undermines everything a yeshivah preaches and stands for.”

Ilana Keilson

A Disappointment, Not a Tragedy [Inbox / Issue 964]

Several weeks ago, the Inbox published a letter from a mother whose son was not accepted into the yeshivah of his choice, and who suggested sweeping changes in yeshivah acceptance policies. Readers surely sympathized with her distress. At the same time, the facts are as follows:

Yeshivos are free enterprises that are subject to the law of supply and demand. Therefore, when a yeshivah has many applicants for a limited number of slots, the boys who are not accepted will need to apply elsewhere.

There is no central authority that controls the yeshivah system. Just like any other independent corporation or institution run by frum Jews, each yeshivah’s administrators will receive guidance from daas Torah when they ask a sh’eilah.

A yeshivah program that offers several tracks for different academic levels may appeal to parents, but it is less desirable to students. In fact, the more selective a yeshivah is, the more popular it becomes.

A rejected yeshivah application is not usually a threat to a boy’s level of commitment to Torah learning and mitzvah observance. There is a question of pikuach nefesh when expelling a boy from yeshivah, not when rejecting an application. As a general rule (which held true in the writer’s experience with her own son), challenges help people grow.

In addition, as parents, we need to cue our children in on the difference between a disappointment and a tragedy, and encourage them to handle adversity with a positive attitude. Many children need parental support to help them cope with situations that they aren’t thrilled about. Therefore, we can help our children (and ourselves) process the inevitable frustrations in life by accepting that things don’t always work out the way that we want, and we should try to make the best of it.

This message helped our daughter when she was not accepted by any of the seminaries she applied to; it helped our son, who, due to unforeseen circumstances, was unable to switch yeshivos when he thought it was necessary; and it helped another daughter whose shidduch broke off after more than ten dates.

Even though we will not always understand the Divine Plan, the glimpses of Hashgachah pratis that we do get are enough to prove that there is Someone in charge of the world Who knows exactly what He is doing.

Baruch Hashem, in the above cases, we saw for ourselves how, ultimately, each difficulty was truly beneficial for our children. Hopefully, everyone who is overwhelmed with concern about their children will, b’ezras Hashem, join the legions of parents who have planted with tears and reaped with joy.

An Experienced Mother

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 969)