“Many mediators find that the mediation model is so powerful that it can be used as well to save marriages”

Never Say Always [Two-Part Harmony / Issue 967]

What a beautiful interview with Reb Yonasan Schwartz! I really daven that many heed his words on so many levels.

I would point that, as in all of life, the words “always” and “never” tend to be unhelpful.

One of my siblings had a challenging marriage and was making it work until she learned that her spouse was abusing the children. At that point, she had to leave, and she fought to get custody of her children (actually, there was no fight, as her spouse was found guilty on many abuse charges and ended up in prison).

People advised her that even if the parent has done all wrong it’s important for children to have a relationship with that parent. However, my brother told her to ask our rebbe first and see what he thought. The Rebbe told her that there are very rare situations where it’s best not to facilitate a relationship, and this is one. However, he cautioned her to simply not speak of her ex, and to label his behaviors without focusing on him. He also advised her to make sure the children keep in touch with their grandparents and extended family on her ex’s side, as they were not guilty. She did that, and she even split some Yamim Tovim with them.

It’s been a few years now, and her children cannot get over the class and grace of their queen of a mother who put their needs above all. Two of the children are married and their prospective mechutanim said they were willing to marry into this family because they heard how hard the family worked on shalom.

Name Withheld

Boro Park

Respect and Inspiration [Open Mic / Issue 967]

I really wanted to thank you for Rabbi Erlanger’s amazing “Open Mic” article praising our schools.

I began to read it, and thought it would just continue in the vein of so many articles that tend to be negatively inclined, by bringing concerns and mistakes to the forefront. When it stated, “I wish the parents could see this,” I groaned and thought it would go on to refer to troublesome issues in the school system, as many people tend to complain about.

I was so pleasantly surprised when the author brought up multiple positive scenarios he witnessed in school! He wrote this with such positivity and encouragement, and it was so well written. He brought kavod to the job of a rebbi, and such inspiration when he described how the Torah is alive in our yeshivos!

After reading this, I was left with a smile on my face and a hopeful look in my eyes.

Kol hakavod!

R. P.

We See What You See [Open Mic / Issue 967]

We have five sons in various stages of the yeshivah system here in Lakewood, New Jersey, and I wanted to tell Rabbi Erlanger that we see what you see!

Our boys are excited about Yiddishkeit and thriving. We may not see the day-to-day happenings in the classroom, but we see our sons growing and blossoming in the care of outstanding rebbeim.

There are some things we see that the hanhalah does not see. For example, I got a call from a rebbi to tell me how nicely my eighth-grade son davened from the amud and what a fine bochur he is becoming — this rebbi taught him in third grade, and he is still shepping nachas from him and sharing it with us.

Another time, when our son missed haschalas mishnayos due to a stomach virus, the rebbi showed up at our house to bring him all the goodies he missed out on, and he sat down with him for 30 minutes to teach him the mishnah so he wouldn’t be behind his classmates. That is one mishnah he will never forget!

Once I asked my son if the rebbi yelled at a kid who misbehaved. He looked at me in disbelief and said, “Rebbi doesn’t yell.” When our eighth-grade son made a siyum, his fourth-grade rebbi showed up at our house with a platter of homemade cake and a beautiful note (the cake is long gone, but the note is treasured).

These anecdotes could go on for pages, and this is just our experience; multiply it by every family in the yeshivah. Torah is alive in Yeshiva Shagas Aryeh, and we see the hard work and dedication of the rebbeim and hanhalah and the beautiful example they set for their talmidim. We are so grateful. You are giving us our nachas!

May you see continued nachas from all of your talmidim,

Grateful Parents of YSA

Strong Roots, Many Branches [For the Record / Issue 966]

I was thrilled to see an article written about my great-great-grandfather, Gedaliah Bublick. I named my son after him and it was very special for him to see his namesake highlighted.

I have his glasses, fountain pen, and a tie clip that says Gedaliah Bublick in Hebrew. For my grandmother’s 70th birthday, we had his powerful articles, which were translated from Yiddish into English by my great-grandmother, put into a hardcover book. The articles are extremely contemporary and reflect our times as well.

To add to what was printed, Gedaliah Bublick went to Vienna to report about the first-ever Agudas Yisrael gathering in 1923, where the Chofetz Chaim made that unexpected appearance that was captured on film. He wrote gushingly about the Chofetz Chaim and was able to describe the scene and excitement as the Chofetz Chaim arrived.

He immigrated to America from Argentina, because he saw that frumkeit wasn’t taking root there, and he wanted to raise his children in a place that would give his children a better chance to be true to Torah observance.

His wife Elka was a direct descendant of the Vilna Gaon, six generations down. Baruch Hashem he has many, many generations of grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and great-great grandchildren who continue to fight for the honor of Hashem’s Torah.

Thank you for highlighting him. There is much for everyone to learn from his example.

Devorah Slater

Silver Spring, MD

Raising Money or Raising Children? [Principle of the Matter / Double Take — Issue 966]

In response to the Double Take story, I have to disagree with the principal in the story.

As a principal of a large school for many years, I know that my job is to support my teachers and stand up for the values of our school. I cannot change policy and micromanage the teachers, even if it makes a powerful parent upset, as that would make me inefficient.

A principal cannot run the school at the whim of those who have the money, worrying about her job security. Becoming principal means being ready to step down rather than be manipulated by those who are attacking the mechanchos of the school. How can we be role models for honesty and Torah values if we cannot stand firm against those who think they can dictate our standards?

Wealth comes and goes, but the hashkafah and the middos we are implementing are meant to last forever and will build our future doros. In this case, the administration has to reevaluate their values — are they running a school just to raise money, or are they focused on raising children?

Name Withheld for Obvious Reasons

Guideposts for Life [Principle of the Matter / Double Take — Issue 966]

I am a principal of a midsize “out of town” yeshivah day school and just finished reading the story “Principle of the Matter.” There are so many thoughts colliding in my mind, but I feel I must express some of them.

There is no question all schools need the generosity and largesse of “gvirim.” But should all decisions about the neshamos of children be based on money?

Every school struggles, but we cannot reduce chinuch and children to dollars. If a school has to rely on one person’s donation, otherwise they will close, how stable is the school to begin with? What happened to doing our hishtadlus, and letting Hashem take over? “Al tivtichu bindivim” are not empty words. They are guideposts for the way we should lead our lives.

Yes, hakaras hatov is incumbent upon all of us, but to what point? Finding and retaining quality teachers is one of the hardest endeavors in the world of chinuch. How are we going to fill our classes with inspiring quality moros, if they are not going to be supported properly?

In this particular story, there is a fundamental chinuch issue at play for an eight-year-old. Should she not be taught that everyone shines in their own way and needs to be recognized? She needs to understand her talents come from Hashem and different talents are given to everyone.

In my over four decades of experience, I have learned that when a mother behaves in the way Mrs. Isaacs behaved, there is a deeper underlying issue that the mother must resolve for herself.

There is so much more that can be said, but in the name of brevity, I will end here. Hashem opens our school doors by giving people the zechus to be the “shlichim.” That opportunity cannot be abused.

May Hashem grant all of our schools with the brachos of gashmiyus, but more importantly those of ruchniyus.

Besie Katz,

Philadelphia, PA

Nip the Blackmail in the Bud [Principle of the Matter / Double Take — Issue 966]

Most of the responses to last week’s Double Take were from educators. I would like to point out something they did not address.

What Mrs. Isaacs was doing amounted to blackmail, and her husband aided and abetted her efforts. The principal and the board should realize that blackmail never ends once you give in to it. The Isaacs family will have many demands down the road with the same implied threat of withholding their donations and support, and influencing their wealthy friends to do the same.

I have never been an educator, but I did spend more than 30 years working in fundraising for a large nonprofit. One of the wise volunteers always told us not to rely on a few wealthy donors because they could die or change their minds or lose their money. Instead, we were advised to cultivate and honor numerous small donors. Their gifts add up.

This policy is something that the school board should implement. This way they can maintain both their independence and their integrity.

S. J. S.

Brooklyn, NY

Separation of Powers [Principle of the Matter / Double Take — Issue 966]

Once again, you got me riled up over a fictional scenario in last week’s Double Take. Reading the letters this week, I saw many agreed that the principal was wrong for caving to a member of the board or the full board, and this happens all the time — and not in a vacuum.

Boards are wonderful. Schools and nonprofits that have zero oversight and zero support are at tremendous risk. However, each board needs to have an agreement as to what opinions they are and aren’t entitled to.

I know a school that was making many chinuch decisions — not just hiring and firing, but curricula and social skills groups — based solely on a board. Honestly, I’m not sure why those sort of boards hire a principal.

In many of the phenomenal mosdos and nonprofits, there is a binding agreement in place delineating the roles of each department. A principal needs to have veto power on matters of chinuch, and a board needs to respect that.

In the Double Take story, the principal never foresaw the Board taking undue power, and never set up a proper separation of powers. Had she done so, she would have been able to leverage the agreement and say, “I appreciate your feedback, but this teacher’s policy is one I stand behind.”

If a principal’s preference is not respected by a board, they have failed in their core mission to provide students with mechanchim and mechanchos, and instead provided them with balabatim running a chinuch institution. More agreements made way ahead of time spare so much agony in the long run.

A Nonprofit Administrator

Drumming to His Beat [A Different Drummer / Issue 966]

Barbara Bensoussan’s piece about Moshe Sobol, and his incorporation of music as a healing agent, was a fascinating and accurate portrayal of music therapy.

As a music therapist in Los Angeles for hospice patients, I marvel at the way music impacts clients’ lives. I didn’t know about Moshe Sobol as I started my career a couple of decades before him (yes, I’m dating myself), and we live on different coasts. But this article opened my eyes to the talent he has, along with so many other terrific music therapists I know and have worked with.

After reading about his drumming sessions on the bongos and all the other ways he uses music as a medium for client growth, I am motivated to do drumming activities with small, light hand drums with some of my senior clients. Drumming and other rhythmic exercises provide structure and security and improve focus and attention in individuals of all ages. I also love his lyric analysis intervention and use that myself with my high-functioning clients.

It’s so exciting to enjoy what one does and learn from each other.

Miriam Hendeles, MT-BC

Music Therapist

Prepare for the Long Term [Hot Deal or Hot Air? / Issue 965]

Thank you for your insightful and important articles on investment scams.

I’m willing to bet that the vast majority of those who invest in get-rich-quick investments do not invest in lower-risk, long-term diversified investments like mutual funds. And I’m sure that even fewer of them are investing for retirement.

Long-term investing is simply not part of frum culture — but it should be. Mutual funds linked to the S&P 500 have historically on average earned nine to ten percent a year. Even at seven percent, an investment will double approximately every ten years, making long-term investing lucrative and relatively low-risk, when started early enough.

As Rabbi Naftali Horowitz mentioned in a Kosher Money podcast: When someone gets a pay increase, instead of increasing his standard of living, he should invest for the future. Children and teens, too, should be encouraged to start investing responsibly at a young age, to capitalize on the powerful exponential dividends due to the longer potential time span for the money to grow.

Frum life is expensive, and expenses only increase as time goes on. It’s time for us to educate ourselves and our children, and take a proactive and responsible approach to finances and investing.

Livingsmarterjewish.org, Mesila, and Achiezer are all excellent resources for financial education.

Chava Katz

So Much That’s Special [The Moment / Issue 964]

The story about a daf yomi shiur held during a wedding was wonderful, but I must share the idea that in Klal Yisrael, it’s difficult to stand out as special. There’s so much that’s special.

For the last few months, Rabbi Simon Baum and a group of awesome balabatim in RBS have been spending their Tuesday evenings learning with my son Yossi. (Many of you have been davening for Yosef Ezriel ben Chaya Michal since he was injured in Meron on Lag B’omer two years ago; we are so grateful for your tefillos.) A few weeks ago, Mutti Frankel texted me and asked if it would be okay to reschedule the shiur for Thursday, since one of the group was making a wedding Tuesday. They would be learning the daf at the wedding in a side room following the chuppah....

Mi k’amcha Yisrael!

Michal Reit

The Stories You Don’t Tell [True Account / Issue 964]

The personal account by the young woman who has bipolar was very moving. On a whole, Mishpacha has done a great job raising awareness of mental illness and there definitely is a lot less stigma associated with mental illness, although it’s not completely gone.

What’s not often mentioned, however, are the people affected by mental illness whose story does not wrap up in a neat little bow. These journeys do not follow the ones often pictured of person struggling, finding salvation in medication, and then getting married and living a beautiful life with medication.

These are stories of those resistant to medication. Of those who cannot tolerate the side effects of their medication. Of those who do not feel medication gives them their personality back — in fact, they feel it is hindering them from being their true selves. Of those who are going through their tenth hospitalization and the chances of them living a seemingly normal life and getting married seem unattainable, barring a miracle.

These are also the stories of the families of those individuals who at first hoped their child, sibling, or cousin would follow the script depicted in the story, only to have to swallow and accept that might not be their reality — and continue to be there and hope and pray their relative finds some kind of peace with the illness robbing them of a wholesome life.

The story that you published is the writer’s and so many other’s experiences. But there are many for whom the challenge doesn’t seem to go away and for whom it remains the forefront of their daily existence. For them, the illness follows their every move and a cure in this world feels very far away.

Name Withheld

What’s the Story? [True Account / Issue 964]

Thank you for a most incredible magazine that I look forward to eagerly each week. Your recent story about a young woman diagnosed with bipolar seemed to feed into the common trend of only publicizing stories where people don’t listen to doctors, and things go hopelessly wrong, rather than the far more common stories where people diagnosed with bipolar live normal and fulfilling lives in every way.

Both I and a friend of mine were diagnosed with bipolar in recent years and no one would be able to tell that we have it. What is there to tell? We both come from healthy, mainstream families (with no history on any side of bipolar) and have gone to the right camps, schools and seminaries. Baruch Hashem, none of that was disrupted like it was for the girl in your story. We’ve always led the most normal of lives (again, not a surprise). According to the doctors, it’s supposed to be a one-time episode, im yirtzeh Hashem.

Don’t get me wrong, we suffered tremendously during our episode. We don’t think that makes us weird though; Hashem just clearly thought we could handle a lot more than our peers.

You make it sound impressive that the protagonist gets married, has a baby, and works. Everyone we know with bipolar works, gets married, and has kids. Nothing about this disease dictates otherwise. The only lasting effect I’ve ever been told about is having to get proper sleep.

It’s not that if you see me in the park, you would never know. I’m your granddaughter, niece, close friend since elementary school, and next-door neighbor, and you have no clue. We’ve spent Shabbos together, danced at weddings together and gone out to eat, even while I was suffering through the darkest part of my episode. Yet somehow you didn’t suspect anything. Apparently you didn’t even notice when I slipped away to the hospital for a couple of weeks during that tekufah and my parents covered for me in every which way.

It’s not that I’m embarrassed at all. It’s clear my parents kept it such a secret because of people like you, who judge and perpetuate stigma for some reason that I completely don’t understand. Don’t worry, your misconceptions don’t harm my self-esteem, it just annoys me to have had to hide my suffering because of society. At such a trying time, did I really have to be saddled with the burden of putting up a show with family members, close friends and even the kids in my own house?

Instead of being showered with extra love, support and understanding from those close to me when I was sick, I had to unbelievably put up with confrontation and hurt without being allowed to excuse myself with the harmless truth, lest Heaven forbid anyone find out.

I appreciate the validation from someone who’s been there but think the message was misleading. I hope that our frum society will soon embrace the truth about bipolar — it is far more common than most people realize and it is eminently manageable.

Sincerely wondering why I had to open a new email address to send this in

It Can Even Save Marriages [There Is Another Way / Issue 963]

Yasher koyach to Mishpacha and to Yael Schuster for the remarkably well researched and presented article on divorce mediation.

Recognizing that the marriage relationship cannot be handled by litigation is critical to restructure the family and to collaborate in raising the children in the years to come. Such conversations are a challenging task for any person to shoulder alone. But with the right mediator it works, as you have described.

I wish to add that many mediators find that the mediation model is so powerful that it can be used as well to save marriages. As you describe, mediation is a remarkably effective method of conflict resolution. The skills of deescalating, apology, forward thinking, having uncomfortable conversations with the help of a mediator, and personally owning the solutions, can save a marriage if these skills are introduced before irreversible deterioration sets in.

With best wishes for continued hatzlachah in this unique avodas hakodesh.

Mordechai Rhine, Family Mediator

Relief or Disbelief [Open Mic/ Issue 961]

I’ve been following the conversations about kriah with interest, as I am a kriah specialist with a background in special education and have been working with teenage students for over 15 years.

When a teenage boy walks into my office and I tell him that the majority of my kriah clients are boys his age, I get one of two very intense reactions: absolute relief or absolute disbelief.

The disbelief is usually short-lived and always, baruch Hashem, morphs into that sense of relief.

Most of the students who come for a kriah evaluation believe they have some sort of “disorder” or learning disability. They’ve spent their whole life hearing diagnoses like auditory processing disorder, dyslexia, ADHD, learning disability, and the list goes on.

In truth, the reality for every single one of my clients is that they simply haven’t mastered kriah yet. The expectations in their daily learning life do not match their skill set. If they can’t read, they are at a disadvantage during every part of their day. So much of our Jewish learning and life connects to being able to read the text in a sefer or siddur.

Some of the teenagers I meet will ask me, “How come I managed until now?” and some have realized on their own that the answer is something like, “I have a good memory.”

When it comes to hiding shame, teenagers are hugely resourceful. They’ll do anything to compensate for the challenge that leaves them feeling inadequate and behind.

Struggling students will build coping and compensation skills and rely very heavily on memory. Learning by memory can only take a student so far. On top of that, it’s actually detrimental. Memory learning bypasses all the systems and mechanics of reading, which means a student will never be able to work out what text in front of him is saying. When you memorize, you’re not reading. You just know that that shape equals that word, but you don’t know why.

Memory also gets too full and too tired. When we are tired or hungry or stressed or busy or too hot or too cold, our memory won’t come through for us.

Additionally, when memory is full, it slows down. The more information there is in storage, the longer it takes to sift through all the images and information. A student who is using memory to decode text is exhausting his memory. Exhausted “brain space” cannot work on comprehension after struggling through decoding and definitely cannot build the word banks required to move into reading without nikud.

In short, memory works — only for a little while. By the time a teenage boy is coming for intervention because he can’t make it through the first line of Gemara, memory is failing. If we want our kids to succeed, we have to make sure they know the mechanics of reading so they know what to do with the letters and nekudos in front of them.

If your child is reading by memory, help them change that. He’ll be a happier, more confident student — because he’ll no longer be working overtime to do the basics.

Chani Karp

Developer of the Confident Kriah Method

Like a Powerful Screwdriver [Shattered Illusions / Issue 961]

I would like to express my gratitude for sharing the inspiring story of “Shattered Illusions” and the subsequent correspondence it sparked. However, I would like to take this opportunity to clarify a few points that were raised in the letters.

Firstly, I am honored to serve as the EFT therapist for the story’s narrator, and am currently training him to become an accredited EFT practitioner. I’d like to clarify the distinction between EFT Tapping and EFT therapy.

EFT Tapping, as many of you may already know, is a remarkable technique that can be utilized by anyone to promote self-calming. It’s easy to learn and simple to use. EFT Therapy, on the other hand, involves a highly skilled set of techniques employed within a therapeutic context. Achieving accreditation and mastering these skills demands substantial effort, time, dedication, and mentoring with a trainer though the formal training itself requires much less time.

EFT International, a globally respected organization, is responsible for accrediting EFT practitioners worldwide. The organization upholds the highest standards for education, training, professional development, and the promotion of EFT. However, it is important to note that there may be individuals who have completed courses but have not pursued certification.

Conducting thorough research is paramount when seeking EFT therapy. It is crucial to ensure that your therapist is a member of EFT International or holds a recognized EFT qualification. Just like any other profession, there will always be individuals who have taken courses but have not fulfilled the necessary requirements for accreditation. By choosing a therapist who meets these standards, you can have confidence in their expertise and their commitment to maintaining the highest professional standards.

When people express their opinions about EFT Tapping, saying it is excellent or that it doesn’t work, it is akin to describing a screwdriver. We all know that screwdrivers are indeed excellent tools, but their effectiveness relies on the user’s proficiency. Similarly, EFT Tapping is only as effective as the person utilizing it. It requires skill, experience, and an understanding of the underlying therapeutic techniques to achieve the desired results.

I would like to emphasize that EFT is a powerful tool for professionals across various fields who seek an effective method to help their clients move forward. Its versatility and proven benefits make it a valuable addition to any therapist’s toolkit.

In conclusion, I urge readers to consider the importance of proper training and accreditation when seeking EFT therapy. By ensuring that your therapist is a member of EFT International or possesses a recognized EFT qualification, you can have confidence in their expertise and commitment to maintaining the highest professional standards.

Pearl Lopian

EFT Tapping Therapist and Trainer

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 968)