“If the Kichels are eating Melaveh Malkah, so can all of us!”

Some Steel in Me [Running Against the Grain / Issue 964]

Thank you, Yonoson Rosenblum and Mishpacha, for the piece on Oliver Ferber. It was one of the most beautiful pieces I have ever read.

Oliver’s comment, “I have some steel in me,” reminded me of the story of Rav Shmuel Aharon Yudelevitch, brother-in-law of Rav Elyashiv, who as a young orphan chose to remain on his own in Yerushalayim — rather than accompany his mother to northern Israel when she remarried — because he knew that only in the rarified atmosphere of the Holy City could he realize his potential in Torah. (See the book In Every Generation written by his grandson.) He, too, “had some steel in him.” With that resolve, he was able to overcome any obstacle in his path to greatness.

With the kind of resolve that Oliver has shown, there is no doubt that, b’ezras Hashem, his future is a bright one.

Thank you, Oliver, for inspiring us.

Rabbi Shimon Finkelman

You Brought Us Comfort [Running Against the Grain / Issue 964]

Thank you for your inspiring article “Running Against the Grain” by the iconic Yonoson Rosenblum.

The article came out on a very auspicious day, as on Wednesday, June 7, my son Rabbi Shmuel Cohen and his wife Rivky were zocheh to give the first name for my father, Rabbi Pinchas Stolper.

My father began NCSY in 1959 and it was so comforting to see how the fruits of his labor continue to bring more members of Klal Yisrael home. Keep growing and running for the Jewish People, Oliver! You are an awesome young man and you and Mishpacha magazine have brought us much comfort.

On behalf of my family, the families of my brother Rabbi Akiva Stolper, my sister Malkie Kaweblum, and all families of NCSY, we thank you.

Rebbetzin Michal Cohen

Chicago, Illinois

More Than Any Lecture [Running Against the Grain / Issue 964]

Your excellent article on the high school pupil Oliver Ferber, who placed Shabbos observance above running in a cross-country championship, even though he was an important member of his team, reminded me of what occurred at my Jewish residential school, Carmel College in England.

The school was situated on the banks of the River Thames and rowing formed a major sport in the school curriculum. In the course of his talk at the Carmel Speech Day in 1960, the principal of the school, Rabbi Kopul Rosen related (quoted verbatim):

“Almost every rowing school in the country that has competed against Carmel — and this includes some of the most prominent rowing schools — knows full well that Carmel will not row on Shabbat, and where there is a regatta on Saturday, our crew does not put in an appearance.

“Now the reaction to this on the part of headmasters and rowing masters of schools throughout the country is quite remarkable, and I wish some prominent persons of Anglo-Jewry could have said to them what has been said to me by headmasters of well-known schools concerning this attitude of the boys, that even if they were to enter for an event which they would reach the final, if that final were rowed on Shabbat, they would scratch and not row.

“One headmaster of a prominent school, King’s School Chester, said to me, ‘I wish we had some such moral principle to make boys realize that there are more important things than athletic prowess,’ and our rowing master, Mr. Marshall, will tell you that at all regattas this has been a talking point amongst the Christian schools that have been there — that there is a Jewish school that rows, that can give you a good fight even if they lose but row with a sense of sportsmanship, but will not desecrate their Sabbath.

“And of course I am biased, I admit my prejudices, but I believe that this does more to create a sense of goodwill based on mutual respect than all the lectures and propagandist pamphlets which the community might publish.”

Rabbi Dr. Chaim Simons, Kiryat Arba

Join the Challenge [The Kichels / Issue 964]

The Kichels strip this week was laugh-out-loud funny! The Kichels are clearly taking the Melava Malka Challenge, which means that they are going to wash.

What a brilliant and timely reminder of this often overlooked beautiful mitzvah, especially in the summer months as Melaveh Malkah becomes a bit more challenging. We invite your family to join as well.

Melava Malka Challenge is a personal challenge that people take to wash for Melaveh Malkah, be it weekly, monthly, or even just once. Partaking in Melaveh Malkah is a way to honor and properly escort the departing Shabbos Queen, nourish the luz bone, and usher in brachos of health, prosperity and spiritual growth into one’s week.

People who eat Melaveh Malkah comment how it elevates their family’s Motzaei Shabbos and upcoming week. When one has that fourth meal of Shabbos, one lets the serenity of Shabbos linger as the demands of the new week beckon.

Now in its fifth year, Melava Malka Challenge has created a community for sharing inspiration, halachah, family traditions, recipes and What Are You Washing On (WAYWO) episodes featuring guests with washing ideas.

Email melavamalkachallenge@gmail.com to join.

Thank you, Mishpacha magazine, for helping spread awareness about the importance of Melaveh Malkah, and in the most humorous way.

If the Kichels are eating Melaveh Malkah, so can all of us!

Sara B. Gochberg

Founder, Melava Malka Challenge

My Billboard Pick [100 Years of Light / Issue 963]

Last week’s insert on Rav Edelstein ztz”l, included a picture that I found especially moving. It shows the Rosh Yeshivah coming in to give shiur and the talmidim standing as he makes his way to the front of the room. This extraordinary, seemingly candid shot gives the viewer a rare insight into the nobility of Torah.

It is said that a picture is worth a thousand words. This photo, I believe, is worth a thousand debates. It is a window into the soul of special people in a special moment that is clear for all to see.

In the competition for public attention, billboards play a significant role. They do not rise and fall with a flickering screen, nor can they be turned off. They speak to a captive audience.

If I could wave a magic wand, I would put this picture on billboards, at least one in the center of Tel Aviv, one on the way to the airport, and others where appropriate. Only the most hard-hearted could deny the heritage, nobility, and holiness of Klal Yisrael in the faces of this teacher and his students.

R.F.

45 Years of Sales [The Moment / Issue 963]

I read the story about Rav Brus ztz”l with great interest. What most people do not know is that Rav Brus — as a young man — was the rav of a shul (Anshei Pinsk) in the Lower East Side. The shul was around the corner from the Kopyczynitzer Rebbe’s kloiz as well as Mesivtha Tifereth Jerusalem.

I recall davening there as a child along with my father z”l. The baal korei was Rabbi Avi Heller (who was and still is a most qualified baal korei). At that minyan were also several talmidei chachamim of note.

At the time, Rav Brus was raising three children by himself. My father developed a tremendous kesher with Rav Brus to the extent that even after Rav Brus remarried and moved to Brooklyn, my parents would make an annual “trip” to Rav Brus to contract mechiras chometz with him. It was a day that my parents always looked forward to — so much so that they contracted mechiras chometz with Rav Brus for 45 years! My father would speak about his discussions with Rav Brus for days after the visit.

Baruch Hashem, I have the opportunity to speak with Rabbi Avi Heller at yeshivah dinners, and the gadlus of Rav Brus and the shul is always our main topic of conversation.

Yehi zichro baruch.

Aaron Katz, still living on the Lower East Side!

Wholly Inappropriate [There Is Another Way / Issue 963]

Because Mishpacha is a family-oriented publication, I was deeply upset by the feature article on divorce mediation and consider it wholly inappropriate for general family reading.

While we may not bury our heads in the sand and pretend the divorce rate among the frum community is the same as it was 25 or even five years ago, I question the appropriateness of a detailed commentary in a premier family magazine targeted to both children and adult readers. While the article is certainly informative, I believe callously exposing our youth and vulnerable young marrieds to divorce details is damaging at best.

Furthermore, the topic is a sensitive one to many who have unfortunately gone through a divorce and should be treated as such.

A Family Advocate from New York

The Pitfalls of Litigation [There Is Another Way / Issue 963]

As someone who’s been through all the options — mediation, toanim, arbitration, and litigation (against my will) — I feel that this article tremendously minimized the pitfalls of using litigation.

The family court system is guided entirely by an arbitrary set of rules with little to no interest in the welfare of those it serves. The judges and lawyers who work within the system are completely bound by those rules and therefore care about little else. There is a horrific lack of logic or reason in the decision-making process, to an extent that one would not understand without experiencing it. Even the ideas that supposedly come from child psychologists are shockingly warped. What seems obvious to anyone who cares about their child is completely disregarded in the face of legal theory.

At the initial consult, the lawyer will sound so sympathetic and reassure you that they will win for you. After all, they want your retainer. Within a short time, though, it becomes obvious that the family court system is a convoluted trap, where the slightest detail can throw your children’s lives into chaos for literally no reason.

With few exceptions, people who use the courts or lawyers to work out their divorce agreements do not get their desired outcome any more effectively than they would from mediation. What they do get is unbelievable heartache for everyone in the family and huge legal bills.

A divorcee with sad experience

Time to Foster Equality [There Is Another Way / Issue 963]

This is in regard to your article entitled “There Is Another Way.”

Although it’s unintentional, the article shows so much about what is wrong with the state of divorce in the frum community. One stark example is where attorney Ilana Blass laments how she knows of one story in which a woman unknowingly waived her right to take her ex-husband back to court for increases in “child support.” The tragedy!

I think it’s fair to say that a vast majority of women reading Mishpacha magazine are working women, and a good share of them are even out-earning their husbands. There is no reason why in this day and age, anyone should be sending money to their ex-spouse after a divorce.

Of course, both spouses should contribute to the children’s expenses, but the money should be paid directly to the school, camp, clinic, and so on, not the other parent. Far too often this fuels custody battles, in which one spouse or both (and their families cheering them on) fights to control the children so that they can also control the money.

We need to foster a culture and a community that encourages (and even celebrates!) peaceful, amicable divorces in which both parties move on with their lives and co-parent like two adults who care about their children. Both parents should have approximately equal time with the children and full presence in their lives, and no parent’s time with their children should be called “visitation” (a demeaning and archaic term that was used in your article multiple times).

We should only know of happy homes and batim ne’emanim b’Yisrael!

Nathan Gettsiberg

Long Island, NY

Setting the Stage [Chain of Blessings / Issue 963]

Thank you for printing the incredible story surrounding my nephew Motty’s shidduch. One crucial point was missed out, and I’d like to share it.

The reason that Motty went to his sister’s office to pick her up that night was because the cops had just tagged him with a ticket for driving through a newly installed stop sign. He was upset about the fine and the mark on his license. It seemed he was having a really bad day — but little did he know how the Eibeshter was setting the stage for his future happiness.

Don’t we all incur such days? We, too, must accept the gam zu l’tovah in all that occurs to us each and every day.

The Great-Aunt

Do Your Homework [Shattered Illusions / Issue 961]

I wanted to add a different voice on the discussion about EFT tapping and respond to the comments of those who feel that EFT is superior to traditional therapy.

I am in no way bashing EFT and doubting its effectiveness. I am sure that the system has healed many and will continue to heal others in the future.

But to put it simply, EFT tapping is an unregulated field that is not technically backed or certified by any overseeing organization. There are many training programs out there for someone to become a “certified EFT practitioner” ranging from courses that are a mere 30 hours to over a year. Since there is no unified board of accreditation as there is with traditional therapy, one is far more likely to run into under-trained or illegitimate EFT “therapists.” For anyone interested in pursuing EFT therapy, please, please do your homework carefully.

Secondly, many do not realize that some forms of EFT are actually based on Eastern medicine, which can be halachically problematic. I am not saying that all EFT tapping therapists are using this, but please be careful if using a non-Jewish therapist.

Finally, for those who are knocking traditional therapy, claiming that it takes too long and is ineffective, there is a key principle to regulated therapy that must be understood. Therapists are trained to be “client-centered,” meaning that they must meet clients in the emotional state they are in.

Just like a doctor could chas v’shalom kill a patient on the operating table if the patient’s body is not strong enough for the surgery, so, too, a person in therapy can be broken by being forced to face a trauma before he or she is ready to. Therapy often takes months or years because there are so many layers to peel away until a person is even ready to hit the core reason for their dysfunction.

I am not saying that methods like EFT can’t help speed up the process. But there are many people who have been in traditional therapy for years, then leave for an alternative practice and claim that all their years doing basic CBT, etc. were worthless, since the alternative therapy worked right away. I’d like to challenge that idea. Who says that all the years a person does traditional therapy didn’t help them get to the stage of being ready for the “deeper work”?

I am not in any way doubting the efficacy of EFT or other alternative therapy methods. I am simply reminding people to do their homework well before starting out, and to not be so quick to bash the traditional therapy system that has dozens of years of scientific research behind it. There is a reason that most health insurances will cover certified therapy — it has been proven to work.

May all of Klal Yisrael find the healing they need.

T.K.

Too Many Choices? [Finger on the Pulse / Issue 961]

I thoroughly enjoyed the feature with Rabbi Joey Haber answering the pressing questions of the day. His answers were refreshingly honest and thoughtful.

In discussing shidduchim, he highlighted the challenge that too many options for the boys creates confusion and paralysis in choosing and evaluating options. I humbly suggest changing the way we redt shidduchim.

I think we should find out if both boy and girl are “free” and redt it to them at the same time, giving both a three-day window to decide. It’s much easier to decide if someone is appropriate for you based on their own merits without the distraction of other vague options being dangled. Furthermore, the three-day window forces each to make a decisive choice, and move on if it’s not for them. It’s not useful for résumés to sit in the “good” pile endlessly, for either the girl or the boy.

It’s possible that mothers of boys (I have a bunch!) will revolt against this idea, because it’s hard to cede the feeling of control, but ultimately it will make their lives much easier. They won’t be looking into girls for weeks who are then busy, and they won’t be jumping back and forth between “options” (isn’t it an illusion? You don’t even know if the girl is free or will say yes to you) without direction.

Perhaps we started redting to boys first to save the girls the embarrassment of a no, but at this point the girls hear all about the many phone calls made about them, they know they are being heavily examined and they feel rejected all the same, when most of the time it wasn’t an outright rejection, just a distraction of a new name that held back the “yes!” It’s creating a tremendous backlog in dates, unnecessarily, and fueling the current “crisis.”

Shadchanim can change the way they redt shidduchim by redting to available girls and boys at the same time, expecting an answer by the same time, and hopefully we can help a lot more wonderful boys and girls find their zivugim.

S. Weiss

The Language Issue [Open Mic / Issue 961]

I’d like to commend Rabbi Volvy Rand for an excellent article that was extremely on target. In my 20 years of experience working with boys and bochurim of various ages, I often find that a poor grasp of Lashon Hakodesh is a big factor in a boy’s inability to succeed.

Even highly intelligent students can have weak and undeveloped language skills, which makes it extremely difficult or nearly impossible for them to keep up with the level of learning that is expected of them, and that they expect of themselves.

This often causes them a lot of confusion, frustration, and pain.

Starting in the early elementary grades, our boys are required to be able to learn fluently in Lashon Hakodesh. Beginning with Chumash, and then moving on to Rashi and Mishnayos, the level of difficulty — both in terms of vocabulary and comprehension — increases dramatically with every passing year. Once Gemara is introduced, the need to absorb an additional language of Aramaic, with all of its nuances, often creates an insurmountable hurdle for those that were already struggling with Lashon Hakodesh.

What is often misunderstood as laziness, lack of interest, or poor intellectual ability, is often in fact a difficulty understanding and processing Lashon Hakodesh.

After evaluating a highly intelligent 22-year-old bochur who had gone through years of difficulty in school, including switching yeshivos several times, and realizing that he could not read or understand Gemara on his own, I asked him the following question: “How did you manage all these years in yeshivah?”

His sad response was as follows: “I always made sure to choose a chavrusa who was on a much lower level than me in comprehension, but better at reading and translating. Once he would read and translate the Gemara out loud, I would then be able to participate and learn.”

While this was a very clever way to compensate, it caused him tremendous pain and held him back from enjoying and forming a real and lasting connection to his learning.

When these issues are addressed at a young age, they can help the student function and perform at a much higher level, often to the point where the underlying difficulties are nearly undetectable.

Yanky Kerpel

Founder and Director,

www.HaniMili.org

Lakewood, NJ

Consider Ashdod [Inbox / Issue 960]

We have been following with interest the ongoing conversation of high-priced apartment rentals, and the difficulty of Anglos finding a place affordable to live.

A number of other cities were mentioned as other options besides Yerushalayim and specifically Ramat Eshkol. Places like Afula, Ramat Beit Shemesh, and Beitar. We would like to offer a new idea.

Ever heard of Ashdod? Now, to be honest, Ashdod does not have the same number of kollel type, English-speaking families as the places mentioned above, but we local English speakers always wonder — why not?

It is interesting that Ashdod has not made it on the Israeli map as a go-to place for frum American olim. Ashdod happens to be a magnificent city, clean and orderly, with apartment rentals costing significantly less than Yerushalayim. There is a stunning ocean, beautiful well-kept parks, and hills of gorgeous rolling sand dunes.

There are a couple of chareidi areas, which are only growing into other sections, one of which has a large number of chassidim and where you can find the most English speakers. Still, recently more English speakers have been making aliyah, and are spread throughout the city.

There is such a great opportunity to open up an English-speaking kollel here or just to have a group of sincere Torahdig families take the plunge and settle in to make a community here, and if you are bilingual, there is a great opportunity for kiruv (really as in any place in Israel).

Ashdod has good schools, and the pace of life is relaxed and calm. (It does help to have the ocean’s natural calming waves so close by!)

If you are interested in making Ashdod your home or hearing more about Ashdod you can contact us through Mishpacha.

A group of sincere, growing, frum American olim living in Ashdod

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 965)