"Yes, we all should be focusing on our own blessings, but what wealth is doing to our community needs a long, hard look"

Growing Gap [Voice in the Crowd / Issue 898]

Kudos to Rabbi Besser for willing to tackle a big issue in our community. We’d love to pretend jealousy isn’t an issue, because it makes us look petty, but we all know it’s real and inevitable, really.

Rabbi Besser is right. Life is better when we concentrate on our own blessings. But there are wider communal points that are affected by the growing flaunting of wealth, and the connected pursuit of pleasure and adventure.

1. Telling children that certain pleasures and spending habits are not for “us” is easier to pull off when you are separating your values from the world around us. When it is a classmate or a family member, it’s much harder to delicately walk the line of telling your children that chasing certain pleasures and vacations are not what we should be doing with our money and time, without putting your friend or family member in a negative light. It’s hard to be mechanech children to respect their neighbor and reject their high-end lifestyle. This is the dilemma so many are facing now.
2. As the high-end lifestyle gets more prevalent, I can’t help but point out the gap between what our mechanchim and mechanchos are getting paid to educate children who are spending Chanukah in Miami, midwinter in Cancun, and Pesach in Costa Rica. What does it say about the value we accord to those that teach Torah, and by extension, the Torah itself? Of course, everyone knows chinuch salaries are not indicative of the value of chinuch at all, but as the gap widens, it gets harder to justify the growing spending on everything else except chinuch.
3. This is probably the most important point: We have been here before as a nation. We settle somewhere, make it, and promptly forget that we are just guests in this land. This has happened time and time again in our past, and each time it ends badly for us. We shouldn’t be building ostentatious mansions when it brings unwelcome non-Jewish attention to us.

They are suspicious of us as it is. Should we be making it easy to make them more jealous of us? To perpetuate the lies that we take their money, that we buy politicians, that we control the banks? Because that is what flaunting does. Where is our seichel, and sense of history?

So yes, we all should be focusing on our own blessings, but what wealth is doing to our community needs a long, hard look.

A concerned onlooker

Long Overdue Message [Voice in the Crowd / Issue 898]

I was nodding along as I read Rabbi Besser’s excellent column about people being bitter about the finances of others.

My husband and I are firmly in the “we have everything we need, and some of what we want” camp. Full disclosure: as a rebbi/morah family, our paychecks aren’t that grandiose. But with a lot of effort and siyata d’Shamaya, we have managed to give our family a happy upbringing without them feeling “less than.”

If anything, it’s the opposite! They love going to yeshivah knowing that their father works there, and there is no greater treat than getting to visit his classroom. On Sunday afternoons, we go to various parks and playgrounds, with a geshmak soccer game and some new snacks making for a special atmosphere. On Chol Hamoed or during midwinter vacation, we’ll do low-key and inexpensive trips and splurge on a more expensive venue for one of the days so my kids have something to look forward to and can tell their friends that they went snow-tubing or to American Dream. Our kids aren’t teenagers yet, but so far, this has been working out.

The one thing that is hard for me is when people in my circle of family or friends keep harping on other people’s money. “I can’t believe so-and-so is going to Florida. How can someone who’s a rebbi go to Florida?” Um, because they wanted to enjoy some sunny weather and they found the $2,000 that they thought was worth it.

Or “Can you believe the bar mitzvah the Schwartzes made? It must have cost a fortune!” or “Did you see the eternity band Shaindy was wearing last week? Her husband’s Amazon business must really be booming!” No, I didn’t see. I’m not busy examining other people’s expenditures, their cars, jewelry, and the amount of cleaning they have weekly.

When I saved up $500 freelancing and bought myself a piece of jewelry, I was nervous to share it with these people because I knew they’d turn to the next person and whine, “Did you see the earrings she…”

Thank you, Rabbi Besser, for finally stating what I believe is a long overdue message.

C.C., NY

When It Turns Against Them [Voice in the Crowd / Issue 898]

The story about the rav’s advice to the nonaggressive father in last week’s “Voice in the Crowd” really resonated. It was so gratifying to see this concept distilled so neatly into a few strong statements: “Those kids with the pushy parents might get into the right class, camp, or seminary, but they don’t win, because at the end of the day, their parents are aggressive.”

The idea that the children of parents who use aggression for their children’s benefit — better rebbi, camp, seminary, etc. — inherently lose out because their parents are aggressive, is not widely referenced. But it’s true.

Generally speaking, the parents using the aggression see it as a game to get their way, to show who’s “the fittest in the forest” — and the higher the stakes, the more thrilling they find the game.

But those same children for whom they go to bat in their earlier years might be very surprised a decade or two down the line when that same aggression is turned against them — when the parents use this same practiced tactic to control their young couples’ decisions about where to live, learn, educate their children, and so on.

In many cases, this intervention is welcome because of the apparent benefits of status and influence. But I’ve seen plenty of situations where it is most unwelcome, after the full ramifications become clear.

The rav in the story is right: These kids don’t win, because at the end of the day, their parents are aggressive, and that doesn’t go away.

Tzvi G., Lakewood NJ

Special Treatment [Voice in the Crowd / Issue 898]

I really identified with the Voice in the Crowd piece about aggressive parents who push their children into institutions or specific classes. As a well-connected person who deals on the backend of several institutions, I’ve seen my fair share of parents like this, and am sometimes asked to facilitate their aggression and secure the special treatment they’re seeking.

It’s a tough spot: I want their child to be in the best possible situation, and I often have the ability to make that happen. But my visceral reaction is always one of disgust. I can’t stand the sense of entitlement that comes along with the friendly “request” and subsequent slap on the back (or chocolate platter, or gift certificate, etc.) when I come through.

I recently was asked to help out in a very unusual situation. People approached me to arrange a certain favor with an institution, in exchange for very worthwhile incentives. No amount of explaining on my part could convey to these people that they were requesting something highly unusual — i.e., something that has not happened at all in the 30 years of the institution’s existence.

Not only did they refuse to back down, this seemed to whet their appetite for success at any price — and motivated them to mobilize multiple avenues of protektziya (or “aggression”) to achieve their goal.

I did my part in good faith, as did the other messengers, but a part of me was hoping that the institution in question would stick to their guns and not bend their policies, even with the very attractive incentives they were being offered. I stayed quiet as I heard from my acquaintance every so often that “Yes, yes, they’re going to break, they’ve never faced an opportunity like this… we’re making it so worthwhile, there’s no way they will turn us down…”

But the institution did not cave. They were very kind and gracious, but politely refused all of the offers, and deflected the pressure exerted by a number of influential messengers.

And I breathed a sigh of relief. In some small corner of the world, sanity prevailed and the aggressive people did not win just because they could.

C. K., Brooklyn NY

Precious Property [For the Record / Issue 898]

The For the Record column this week describing the history of the sefer Ketzos Hachoshen was superb, as this column always is. It mentioned that in Shanghai, Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz was able to quote by heart the two missing pages of the copy of the Ketzos in the yeshivah’s possession.

Actually, the copy of the Ketzos was in the possession of Rav Shmuel Berenbaum, then a bochur, who later became the rosh yeshivah of Mir-Brooklyn. Rav Shmuel was commonly known as the “gvir” because he owned a copy of the Ketzos. Coming from a family who lived in abject poverty, this was a strange appellation indeed. His mother sold her Shabbos clothes to pay for this volume to support her son’s learning.

So are the great men of Israel reared.

Elchonon Nakdimen, Monsey, NY

Marching Through the Snow [Second Thoughts / Issue 898]

Letters to the editor are often unofficially viewed as a gauge for the impact of a piece. But that’s an unfair measurement.

People write letters when they’re outraged (“How could you possibly write that?”); when they feel a deep sense of identification (“I went through exactly the same thing when…”); when they feel a mistake must be corrected (“the great-grandfather of Rav X was Rav Y, but his nephew was actually…”). But what would galvanize you to write when you read something that rings true, that gently prods you along in your avodas Hashem, that whispers to your neshamah?

That’s why I so rarely write to tell you how much I gain from Rabbi Emanuel Feldman’s columns.

They’re incisive and astute and always beautifully written. They state timeless truths and remind us of what we should be striving toward.

This past week was no exception. I loved the comparison of snow to the pristine state of the neshamah when it first comes down to earth, and the inevitable mud to the moral sludge of This World. The reminder that the struggle for purity is itself a goal.

An hour after I read the piece, a debate broke out at my Shabbos table regarding use of technology. The teens and young adults were taking sweeping, extreme stances. But this time, instead of smiling and thinking They’re young, they don’t have to live in the real world yet, I allowed myself to admire their convictions, the unmarred snow. And I came up with a small kabbalah I could take on in my own technology use, a tiny step forward in our lifelong battle to whiten the dark.

Thank you, Rabbi Feldman, for always propelling us forward.

Batsheva Berman

Gratitude and Dismay [Step Up to the Plate / Issue 897]

I read your excellent cover story about the state of kashrus today with equal parts gratitude and dismay.

I’m grateful that Rabbi Fishbane has made us aware of the pitfalls and dangers of eating from businesses that do not have a hechsher, and have resolved to be careful about this going forward. But — and I’m sure many readers feel the same — I was deeply dismayed to learn of the ways I may have been nichshal in the past.

I was stunned to learn that food served at a wedding may not be under the hall or primary caterer’s hechsher, as was the case with the dessert bar discussed in the article. How can we as consumers — or, in this case, wedding guests — be careful about what we eat without interrogating the mashgiach? Honestly, I’m not even sure who I’d need to interrogate; I’ve never seen a mashgiach hanging around on the women’s side. I’d love a list of practical tips about how to attend events while being careful about what you eat.

One other point that struck me was that the need for a hechsher makes the entry barrier for starting a catering business that much higher. A young woman looking to support her family can easily whip up trays of cookies or babkes and start selling them; if she needs to pay for a commercial kitchen or mashgiach, she may be unable to get her business off the ground. Perhaps communal organizations can offer grants, or vaadei kashrus offer steep discounts for the first six months or so, to enable these people to launch their businesses with a proper hechsher. Once they’ve established a successful business, they can pay a mashgiach like any other business expense.

R. Baum

Where Honor is Due [For the Record / Issue 897]

As a student of Jewish history, I read the For the Record column with much interest.

While the recent article about Rav Berel Soloveitchik ztz”l was a fascinating read, I feel I must point out a glaring omission in the listing of his prominent talmidim.

Rav Yosef Savitzky shlita, senior rosh yeshivah of Yeshiva Torah Vodaath for close to three decades, was one of the closest talmidim to Rav Berel. I do not usually write letters, but I feel I must stand up for the kavod of the Rosh Yeshivah shlita.

Please keep up your great work and the interesting articles coming.

Name Withheld

A Name and a Prayer [For the Record / Issue 897]

I noticed the For the Record about Reb Berel Soloveitchik, who you mentioned as the oldest child of Rav Yitzchok Zev and Rebbetzin Alte Hendel.

An interesting fact about the name is that she had many older siblings who died young, so the name Alte was added as a segulah for a long life. After her father was niftar, her mother wanted to move back to Poland, so she went to the rav in Yerushalayim at that point and asked him for a brachah for a safe trip, and also asked whether she could change the name back to her ancestor’s name, which was just Hendel. In response, she was told that she would marry a talmid chacham and he would decide.

The Brisker Rav’s children remembered their grandmother badgering their father about it and he always pushed it off. When Rebbetzin Lifsha Feinstein had a girl in New York — the first granddaughter born to the family — the Brisker Rav sent a telegram saying: “mother’s name Hendel.”

Reb Berel adopted that and when he was sick, the name given for tefillos was “Yosef Dov ben Hendel.” Therefore, in Brisker Rav al HaTorah, the name given for their mother is just Hendel.

Rav Dovid Soloveitchik, on the other hand, maintained his entire life that his mother’s name was Alte Hendel. That is what he named his daughter, and that was the name used during the recent tefillos for his recovery. But when writing about Reb Berel, the name should just be Hendel.

Name Withheld

Juggling Wisely [Knowing and Growing / Issue 896]

Rabbi Leuchter’s meaningful article about juggling priorities in our Yiddishkeit brought to mind a beautiful vort from the Novominsker Rebbetzin ztz”l.

At one of the annual yeshivah luncheons, she shared with us mothers the reason women say the brachah she’asani kirtzono every morning. At any given time of the day, she said, men generally know what is expected of them. They have set times for davening, learning sedorim schedules, and work hours.

Women, on the other hand, also juggle many obligations, but are often unsure as to what they should do with their precious free time. Should it be something for their husbands, children, parents, community — or perhaps something for themselves? That is precisely why, the Rebbetzin so wisely taught, we say the brachah she’asani kirtzono. We ask Hashem that whatever we choose to do in the course of our day be just what Hashem has intended for us. We daven to fulfill His ratzon as we juggle all the balls in our lives.

Libby Hasenfeld

Painful Mistake [Turf War / Double Take— Issue 897]

I read the Double Take story “Turf War” with so much sadness. This story was meant to highlight two perspectives, but instead it highlighted how little is known about the role of the school therapist.

The school therapist was a rarity in most frum schools as recently as six or seven years ago. With the advent of awareness, and in some states, funding, many of our mosdos have hired clinicians. But many still don’t know what this therapist can or can’t help with, and therefore what type of clinician our schools should be looking for.

For starters, ethically the social worker is held to a different standard than the tutor is. My apologies to the principal, but that’s the law. Therefore, when this clinician requests a locked closet for files or a truly private room, she’s not expressing a personal reference, but rather an ethical and legal element that must be upheld. If the environment cannot accommodate that, the clinician may not work under those conditions and compromise her integrity.

Schools that can’t provide those conditions should wait it out and hire a clinician when their school is ready.

You may say, “At least we have someone, who cares if the conditions aren’t optimal?” But that is the biggest and most painful mistake many of our chinuch institutions make.

I have encountered too many young adults who refuse therapy because of the kind of experience they had with school therapy. When I explain the differences (for starters, with school therapy, the school is the client, not the student!) they still have a really hard time. There is so much hurt from mediocre to poor experiences that leave them resistant for years. The damage many of us see lasts far too long. If you were sending a child for treatment of strep but the doctor didn’t have the right tools or medication, would you say, “At least they’ll be seen”? Is that the end goal — to have the physician see you but not be able to help you?

Here is my plea:

Schools: Before you contract with an agency or hire a clinician, make sure your setting is sustainable and that you and your team have the training to understand the parameters of school therapy. Also, make sure you know what may and may not be referred to the school therapist for treatment. And look for someone who can also give an hour or so a month for training on a variety of mental health topics (if they’re experienced enough).

Agencies: Before contracting with a school each year, check out the space and speak to the team to verify that they understand clearly what may and may not be treated in a school setting. Have your supervisors make this very clear to clinicians entering the school system, as often they only work there part-time and may have a hard time differentiating between what belongs in a private setting versus what belongs in a school setting.

Therapists: Working in a school is one of the roughest tightropes to walk. Please make sure you understand your role very well before taking the position. Recognize the responsibility you have and seek a supervisor who understands the dynamics well. Funnily enough, some new to the field feel school therapy is the “easier” type of job. It is not. It is also a field that those who have had a few years in a clinic or private setting do better at, because they understand what therapy should look like and therefore can assess whether the challenge the student brings is appropriate for the noisy office in middle of a school hallway.

Hoping for change,

Mrs. Sarah Rivkah Kohn

Founder & Director,

Links & Shlomie’s Club

linksfamily.org

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 899)