"I think we owe our teens to be comfortable with the 'L' word, to let them know that marriage is a full partnership, that there’s love and connection"

Crying for You [Inbox / Issue 895]

I am not a person who becomes emotional very often. But after reading the first letter in Inbox last week, I cried.

I cannot imagine what it is like to be abused. I also cannot imagine what it is like to feel like nobody feels for you or cares for you when you are in such pain, and that your community instead just wants you to keep quiet.

I hesitated before putting these thoughts to paper. What do I really have to add to this discussion? I am not one of the giants of our generation, like Rav Aaron Lopiansky. I not a victim of abuse, nor are any of my immediate circle of family and friends victims of abuse (at least, as far as I know).

But after further reflection, perhaps that is precisely the voice that I can add to this ongoing and long overdue conversation. As one of the peshutei am, just a regular Jew, I want to say: We as a community cannot fathom the depths of the pain that the victims of abuse must carry for the rest of their lives. But we can, and we must, at least acknowledge that it exists. And in doing so, perhaps we can spare the victims the additional pain of feeling that their community has abandoned them.

To all the victims out there:

We see you.

We care for you.

We cry for you.

You are not alone.

A Regular Jew

Wrong Caption, Right Timing [Zeidy’s Legacy / Issue 895]

The January 19 edition of Mishpacha magazine included a very interesting article concerning Tomchei Shabbos and its founder, Reb Yehoshua Tzvi Hershkowitz. However, on page 136, there is a serious misidentification on the photo of Mr. Hershkowitz at an Agudah convention. The figure to the left of Mr. Hershkowitz is not Rav Shach but rather Rabbi Chaskel Besser.

It happens that this week, the 25th of Shevat, is the 12th yahrtzeit of Rabbi Besser. I had the distinct zechus to have had him as my mara d’asra and mesader kiddushin.

Rabbi Besser was a truly unique individual who personified Torah u’gedulah b’makom echad. He was a talmid chacham, manhig Yisrael, true oheiv Yisrael and oheiv habriyos. He could interact with leaders of world stature and address the diverse orchim at his Shabbos table, each with the appropriate nusach.

Rabbi Besser was a bridge between the gedolei Torah and admorim of prewar Europe and the contemporary Torah world in the United States and Eastern Europe, where his work on behalf of the remaining post–World War II Jewish communities and protecting Jewish cemeteries was avodas hakodesh.

Yehi zichro baruch.

Dr. S. H. Garrin

Not the First [The Moment Has Arrived / Issue 894]

I applaud the publication of Yonoson Rosenblum’s excellent interview with Rabbi Zev Cohen, which could literally be life-saving.

Allow me to correct a minor point by adding a historical footnote to this painful but urgent conversation. The Chicago Special Beis Din was not “the first standing beis din to deal with abuse issues.”

Approximately 35 years ago, I called this need to the attention of the then-president of Agudath Israel of America, Rabbi Moshe Sherer, after which he invited me to make a presentation to the Moetzes Gedolei Torah on the matter, which I did. Following some deliberation, to which I was not privy, the Moetzes decided to create a special beis din for cases of child abuse, with HaRav Shmuel Kamenetsky shlita serving as the av beis din and Rabbi Chaim Dovid Zwiebel, then director of government affairs, as the coordinator.

It took two years for the beis din to work out all of the many procedural and policy details in consultation with mental health professionals before it was prepared to hear its first case. About 12 cases were eventually brought to that beis din, which sensitively, discreetly, and successfully adjudicated each one.

Unfortunately, after a little over a year, the beis din abruptly disbanded as a result of more than one of the distinguished dayanim receiving death threats from a suspected perpetrator.

As Rabbi Cohen emphasized, there is clearly a need “for every medium-sized community to establish its own Special Beis Din.” Hopefully, now these communities will no longer have to rediscover the wheel.

Meir Wikler, DSW

Brooklyn, NY

Why So Hard? [Close to Home — Double Take / Issue 894]

Your recent Double Take story about the daughter using her mother’s basement got many responses supporting the mother. Everyone seemed to agree it was selfish and inconsiderate of the daughter to take her mother’s basement for granted. I absolutely agree that this kind of favor shouldn’t be taken for granted, but I was wondering why the mother found it so hard to help her daughter.

She was paying a pretty low price to help her daughter make a living, and she found it hard. Unfortunately, this is the trend these days. People are encouraged to stand up for their wants, regardless of other people’s needs.

With some communication and problem-solving skills, this mother could easily solve most of the inconveniences presented by her daughter’s business. Or she could consciously choose to overcome her annoyance. Her daughter gains so much from her “sacrifice” — why shouldn’t she let her use the basement more happily?

Of course, it would be nice if the daughter showed her appreciation, but the mother should realize that there is no greater chesed than supporting her daughter in this way.

Hindy G.

No, She Doesn’t Want to Help [Close to Home — Double Take / Issue 894]

I was fascinated by the Double Take story about a clueless daughter assuming her mother would want to help her out with parnassah. Fascinated, but not entirely surprised. Kids these days grow up in a system where parental help is a foregone assumption. More fascinating to me was the profile of the mother.

All parents say they want to help out their married children. From what I see, however, there is a disparity between fathers and mothers. When it comes to fathers, the “help” is usually financial. Whether or not that translates into extra hours spent working, most don’t give their married children money with the calculation of “here is my blood and sweat and hours of my life, all for you ungrateful youngsters.”

Mothers’ help, on the other hand, often means meals, help with laundry, babysitting for little ones, making beds, and losing personal space and quiet when accommodating married children in the home. Maybe that’s why they see it as more of a pain, and those hours as something they are actively giving up.

Almost all parents say they want to help, of course they’ll help, no question they’ll help. But when the mother in this story realized that “help” actually meant some inconvenience or the loss of her quiet morning hours, then funnily enough, she didn’t want to help anymore.

To be clear, she doesn’t owe her married child anything. She has every right to a quiet house and zero obligation to help this adult daughter of hers financially or in any other way. But they would all benefit if she were honest, if she stopped making herself into a wounded victim who so badly wishes she could host people in her basement, and say, “Actually, if this is the kind of help you need, then no, I don’t want to help you.”

Aviva W., Lakewood NJ

We Do Exist [Close to Home – Double Take / Issue 894]

In a recent letter discussing the latest Double Take, Batsheva Berman wrote that it would have been nice if Yaffa thanked her parents, thought about the sacrifices they were making, and showed some appreciation for letting her use their basement — but “I realize these people don’t exist.”

I’m happy to report that this assumption is simply not true. People like this not only exist, but one of them has been running a successful business out of a bedroom in my home for the past five-plus years.

Impact Fashion, a line of modest women’s clothing sized 2–24, is the brainchild of my daughter, Rivky Itzkowitz. She designs all of the clothing herself and sells online both nationally and internationally. Like Leah, I have accepted packages and seen the business creep into other areas of my home. I have also packed orders, helped with inventory and generally done whatever I could to help.

Rivky has repeatedly discussed with us the logistics of her business being in our home. The last thing she wants to do is take advantage or overstay her welcome. And when her things are in the way, I have no problem telling her about it so we can figure out a solution that works for all.

At one point she was thinking of moving out because she thought we needed the extra bedroom space. A couple of fold-away cots that are rolled into the studio space as needed took care of that issue. I highly recommend them.

I am amazed at all Rivky has accomplished and look forward to having a front row seat for whatever comes next, with plenty of communication for smooth sailing all around.

Gittie Deutsch, AKA Rivky’s mom

Show the Good [Made in Heaven Series]

I read Rabbi Shafier’s column and the ensuing conversation in the Inbox with interest. Some people felt that because teens would be reading this magazine, the “L” word should be omitted. I respectfully disagree.

I am an “older single” who went to excellent Bais Yaakov schools and seminary. For those five years, I absorbed many messages from my teachers: The main theme of marriage is to give. Support a husband in learning, make him dinner each night, do his laundry. You need to give 100 percent without expecting anything in return.

I came out of seminary, a fresh-faced 19-year-old, thinking that marriage turns normal sem girls into glorified slaves! It took many years of therapy to undo these thoughts. I still grapple with realizing that husbands have a role that includes taking care of you, loving you, making you feel special — because no one ever mentioned this, deeming it inappropriate. (And my parents have a very strong marriage!)

I never watched movies or TV; I never was into secular books. While I feel these are important gedarim, it’s unfortunate that the kosher reading material I had available — books and magazines — tended to focus on all the things that go wrong in a marriage. Somehow, it’s okay to write about things going awry, but we can’t touch on the fact that marriage can be sweet and blessed and yes, even romantic.

I think we owe our teens to be comfortable with the “L” word, to let them know that marriage is a full partnership, that there’s love and connection. That your role is more than homemaker and sometimes moneymaker — your role is to be a loving partner in a special relationship known as marriage.

R.S.

Why I Walked Away [Hotel Hostages / Issue 893]

I was immensely moved by Rabbi Y.Y. Rubenstein’s article, “J’Accuse.”

I was privileged to be a student at Manchester University while Rabbi Y.Y. was the student chaplain there. He made Judaism accessible to hundreds of students through innovations such as “Shiur and Beer” in the student union and Shabbat hospitality in the warmth of his home, with his unique Scottish sense of humor, excellent oratory skills and love of Torah.

I greatly admire his conviction to be able to cut his ties with such a giant and influential organization and clearly proclaim his support for the Jewish people against anti-Semitism.

Rabbi Y.Y. concludes his article, “It’s now time to walk away.” Sadly, his words resonated with me for another reason. Just last week I terminated my subscription to Mishpacha magazine, after being an avid reader for over ten years.

I am a Torah-minded Modern Orthodox Jew. Over the years I have found most of the content of the magazine inspiring, interesting, entertaining, and a chance to learn mussar, positive life skills, and values from those immersed in a Torah lifestyle.

However, over the past few months there have been increasingly powerful and frequent anti-Israel overtones in the magazine. I tolerated the stories such as the one about a young kollel couple who went back to America because they couldn’t find the right food brands in the supermarket, although I didn’t see the benefit of the story for the Mishpacha readership.

But then I received Issue 893. The sub-headline on the front cover read, “No Food, No Water, No Escape — Israel’s Draconian Travel Policies Exact a Cruel Human Cost.” I was horrified that the Mishpacha editorial team could allow such exaggerated and loaded words to describe Israel’s policies.

On reading the article, I also found the headline was totally inaccurate and didn’t reflect the content of the article. Among two of the people who complained of lack of food, one was a vegan and the other was provided with food but it wasn’t of his hechsher. Corona hotels are not intended to pander to everyone’s specific needs; rather, they are an emergency measure.

The actual title of the article, “Hotel Hostages,” was even more ridiculous. The people who were so irate about being held in the hotel arrived in Israel at 5 p.m. on Thursday, and knew they would only be allowed home after obtaining a negative PCR test. The pandemic has been with us for over two years, and everyone should know that the probability of getting test results in under 24 hours is small, combined with the fact that on Shabbat there are fewer staff working. So everyone who arrived in Israel should have been prepared for the eventuality of spending Shabbat in a corona hotel. I am amazed that the writer chose to use such strong, offensive language against Israeli’s policy and blow up this story out of all proportion.

With much regret, but with the knowledge that I stand with my people and my love of Israel, and against a magazine that denigrates Israel, it’s now time to walk away.

Devora, Eretz Yisrael

Enough Is Enough [The Kichels]

This letter is long overdue. For a while now we’ve had this feeling that you’ve been keeping Rochie Kichel in shidduchim just to highlight the foibles of the shidduch system, but as it was only a suspicion, we’ve kept quiet. Now that you are picking on her again, we decided that enough is enough!

We are writing this petition to let you know that we think this is completely unfair and that we won’t stand for it! Rochie is a great girl and deserves to be happily married.

If you’re looking for ideas for comic strips, we’re sure you can find plenty to talk about while planning her wedding. We’d all love to see Rochie in white (instead of teal). Maybe give that Herring boy a chance. He might just be the one.

And as for the foibles of the shidduch system, it’s time for Nachi to stop fooling around during bein hazmanim and step up to the plate. And please don’t tell us that he’s too young. He might be ready. Just ask.

Oif simchahs!

The Committee for the

Liberation of Rochie Kichel

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 896)