“Remember that anyone and everyone can be a shadchan”

Jews Excluded [Outlook / Issue 1097]

As always, Yonoson Rosenblum hit the nail right on the head with his excellent article “No Right of Return.” I’d like to add a small (or maybe not that small) detail that lends context.

The Palestine Liberation Organization (the so-called “good Palestinians” of the Palestinian Authority) adopted the Palestinian National Charter in July 1968. Article 6 reads as follows: “The Jews who had normally resided in Palestine until the beginning of the Zionist invasion will be considered Palestinians.”

It is questionable whether the “beginning of the Zionist invasion” refers to 1917, the year the Balfour Declaration was declared, or to the 1880s, the years of the First and Second Aliyahs. In any event, the vast majority of Israel’s eight million Jews are considered foreign usurpers and fall under Article 20 which states: “Judaism, being a religion, is not an independent nationality. Nor do Jews constitute a single nation with an identity of its own; they are citizens of the states to which they belong.”

When President Clinton visited Gaza in 1996, he brought the matter up with Yasser Arafat, who convened the Palestinian Parliament and asked for a show of hands to vote on repealing the objectionable clauses. This meaningless gesture satisfied the naive US president.

I guess countless nations all over the globe had significant increases in their Jewish population.

Yosef Eisen

Boys Struggle, Too [Four Days and a Lifetime / Issue 1097]

Reading your feature about the Ohel Sarala chizuk trip to kivrei tzaddikim in Europe led by Rav Chaim Aryeh Zev Ginsberg and Rabbi Shlomo Bochner left me very moved. That being said, as a boy in shidduchim, I was kind of jealous.

While yes, I am thankful to be in “the driver’s seat” and that my mother gets so many suggestions, I also need chizuk, like everybody else who has been in shidduchim for a while. I feel this is a very overlooked point in our shidduch system. People think that since boys are in yeshivah, “they are fine.” Well, that is not true... boys struggle, too! I wish there was more support and chizuk for boys. We do not receive that in yeshivah. How nice would it be to feel part of something, too.

I also wanted to address the article featuring some new initiatives intended to help with shidduchim. While all that is great, I feel the most important issue was left out, and that is the high expectations of both boys and girls. I’ve seen many times in my own shidduchim how people are simply not looking for what is important. Middos such as being thoughtful, conscientious, kind, and caring are put to the side. Instead the focus is on things that have little bearing in a marriage, such as the boy’s level of learning or what yeshivah he attended or the kind of phone he uses. I believe that if this issue were addressed, many more shidduchim would materialize.

Another issue the article neglected to mention is the lack of hadrachah for girls. Personally, I’ve built close relationships with several rebbeim and they are able to guide me during this challenging stage. But I’ve also how some girls don’t have this support and how it negatively affects their shidduchim. Ending something without giving it a chance does no one a favor.

I really would sign my name (I don’t believe in anonymous letters), but I’m still in shidduchim….

A bochur dating for three years

More on Shidduchim [A Way Through / Issue 1097]

I very much enjoyed Yitzchok Schwarz’s recent article highlighting new initiatives aimed at addressing the challenges of shidduchim. The more we are willing to try new approaches, the greater our chances of making a real dent in this complex and painful area of communal life.

As someone actively involved in shidduchim, as both a dating coach and shadchan, I’ve become involved in several newer initiatives that focus on empowering and supporting young married couples to step into the role of shadchan. These couples are encouraged to think intentionally about their friends, neighbors, classmates, shiur-mates, and former neighborhood peers, and to actively suggest and redt shidduchim.

The idea is a simple but powerful one: Young peers often know today’s daters best. They understand how they think, what they value, and what might truly be a good fit. Just as importantly, singles often feel far more comfortable speaking openly with people their own age. To support this, there are WhatsApp groups, dinners and gatherings, collaboration and networking efforts, and even shared databases being developed by and for these young couples and daters.

In addition, I’m also part of an initiative focused on spreading education about shidduch dating to the broader community. Through vaadim, Zoom classes, and concise, jam-packed video content, we aim to raise awareness about some of the key challenges that exist in the shidduch world and to provide healthier frameworks and practical tools for parents, daters, and community members alike.

I would like to encourage everyone to remember that anyone and everyone can be a shadchan. Sometimes it simply requires looking to our right and to our left, noticing the singles around us, and being willing to help in whatever way we can. When more of us take responsibility, the burden becomes lighter and the possibilities grow. Sometimes the greatest shadchan isn’t a professional at all, but someone who simply cares enough to notice.

Jordan Ginsberg

The Gift of Compassion

[Double Take – Sink or Swim / Issue 1097]

The scenario presented in last week’s Double Take was very true to life, but I was disturbed to see the closing argument presented by the principal. She was quoted as such: “If I could tell Tova one thing it would be: Trying to reshape an entire school program around your daughter’s trigger is impossible — and risks teaching her helplessness, not healing.”

I disagree. That’s not how traumas work. This kind of thinking harms those who are working so hard to get through difficult life experiences, and the only lesson that the student will learn from such a scenario is that her needs don’t matter. Reshaping the program would not teach her helplessness; it would teach her about the gift of compassion.

Realistically though, I understand it was hardly likely that the program could be changed after it was announced. I think a more appropriate message from the principal could have been, “If I could tell Tova one thing, it would be: Trying to reshape an entire school program around your daughter’s trigger is impossible — but we will offer her compassion and a substitute prize to recognize her hard work.”

Vichna Belsky, BS

Certified Life Coach

Only the Truth [In Sights / Issue 1096]

Thank you so much for your insightful articles that offer lessons we can all gain from. A few weeks ago, Rav Chaim Aryeh Zev Ginzberg wrote an article about Rav Yaakov Kamenetsky, describing his steadfast adherence to speaking only the truth. I’d like to add another anecdote.

Toward the end of his life, Reb Yaakov suffered a stroke and struggled to speak. Ideas did not come out as he conceived them. This was obvious at the Agudah Convention, and one could see how much it bothered him. Subsequently the word went out that he was not able to speak anymore.

Three weeks before Reb Yaakov was niftar, I was at the Diskind home in Baltimore where he was staying. We had a minyan there for him and I clearly heard him saying Shema word for word. Following davening, Rav Diskind ztz”l (Rav Yaakov’ son-in-law), asked me if I could come over after the Seudas Leil Shabbos to speak with Reb Yaakov for 15 minutes, since I spoke Yiddish well and Reb Yaakov knew me. That conversation ended up lasting 45 minutes and it may have been his last.

Reb Yaakov only responded to questions with “yes,” “no,” or “maybe,” but his wisdom was distinctly perceptible. Finally, he took my hand and gave me a full brachah. Obviously, he was indeed able to speak but chose not to, in order to stay true to “Titain emes l’(Rav) Yaakov.”

Rabbi Dovid Yankelewitz

Yeshiva Darchei Torah

Far Rockaway, NY

We’re Fighting for You [Nursing Wounds / Issue 1096]

Thank you for highlighting the issue of the nurses strike currently taking place in NYC. It put an important spotlight on how it is affecting patients and families in many ways. As a nurse for 18+ years at New York-Presbyterian Children’s Hospital, I want to clarify some points.

The last nurses strike in NY Presbyterian Hospital was in 1996, 30 years ago, and lasted just one day. Contracts are negotiated and renewed every three years — and often down to the last hour. This time around, negotiations at NY Presbyterian Hospital began in August to prepare for a renewed contract that expired on December 31.

From August onward, hospital administration did not bargain in good faith, ran around in circles with the same terrible offers, and often did not show up at all to bargain. Even when a (legal) ten-day strike notice was given on January 2, the administration still did not seriously participate in negotiations. On January 11 (the evening before the strike was to begin), they arrived over six hours late to negotiations, stayed for 20 minutes, and walked out laughing at the nurses.

Instead, they chose to spend millions of dollars and utilize their strike insurance coverage to bring in temporary nurses to work on site. They paid 8–12k per week, per replacement nurse, to come and work while they locked the rest of us nurses outside without pay, without health insurance, without parking access, and without email or scheduling access. We were out in the cold in the dead of winter — and the hospital refused to come and negotiate further. The strike insurance covered their costs, and the hospitals didn’t feel the hurt.

The hospital was backed by Governor Hochul’s emergency order to allow nurses unlicensed in NY to come and work. They also chose to close down many units and transfer out 50 percent of their patients to affiliated hospitals to maintain a low patient census. They hired a high number of temporary strike nurses and forced all the doctors, fellows, and residents to be on the units. They collaborated with Montefiore and Mt. Sinai all along the way, with the hospitals acting in unison for months.

No, the nurses did not suddenly disappear on the morning of January 12.

No, the hospital was not caught off guard.

No, the nurses did not want to walk away from their patients. From their jobs. From the work they love to do.

Nurses are the backbone of healthcare and have made my hospital what it is today. If you need surgery, have a high-risk pregnancy, or need chemotherapy or other procedures, the doctor and surgeon may be who you decide to come for. However it is the nurses, their work around the clock, lab draws, medication administration, wound care, catheter and ventilator management, IV fluids, etc. that dictate outcomes of your care. Recent Mishpacha articles discussed a baby born with a cleft lip, a woman enduring a miscarriage, and a woman with severe fragrance allergies. Nurses are needed for all of this, but also need to be taken care of so that they can continue to care for others.

Two of the biggest issues of this current strike are safe staffing ratios and healthcare coverage. The hospitals threatened to cut back our health coverage or make us start paying more for it, when they themselves control the rates of insurance increases!

Safe staffing ratios would ensure a proper number of nurses to care for the patients. When my 58-bed NICU has a patient census up to 78, where do those extra nurses come from? Literature has proven that insufficient nurse staffing leads to poor patient outcomes.

So yes, we are standing outside in the freezing cold winter, without income, fighting for you, our patients, and for your health outcomes. And we should be supported for doing so.

Shevi Rosner, RN

Clifton, NJ

The Price of Seminary [Counterpoint / Issue 1093]

I’ve noticed that in the conversation about spending and peer pressure, one major expense hasn’t been mentioned: seminary. As I see it, seminary is a wonderful thing but a major expense, something I think most parents really can’t afford but do anyway because of the peer pressure. From ninth grade, it’s drilled into the girls that the only way to marry a ben Torah is if they go to seminary. Pity the parents who dare to buck the trend and say no to this meshigas.

Name Withheld

The Value of Money [Counterpoint / Issue 1093]

I’d like to weigh in on the issue of overspending, especially when a child wants a very specific item that “everyone” is buying. If my child wanted something that I thought wasn’t necessary I used to ask if they wanted to split the cost. If they said no, I knew that it wasn’t as important as they presented it to be.

Aside from clarifying this for me, it taught my children the lesson of earning money. I know children who never babysit or take on a summer job or any other position that teaches the discipline of earning a dollar. When I was in Bais Yaakov, there was a girl who gave haircuts during lunch and recess. My husband told me there was a bochur who did the same thing in his yeshivah. You can get a job in an overnight summer camp instead of paying for camp. I did canteen work for three years and learned a lot about sales. At the same time, I had a ball.

Going to Israel for a year or longer to learn is an incredible experience. The parents can commit to help paying the tuition but let your child know in ninth or tenth grade that you will pay a portion of the tuition and possibly even the airfare, but they will need to earn all the pocket money.

These simple but maturing ideas help to get young people out of the race for “more” early in life.

Anna Maryles

Chicago, Illinois

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1099)