“It’s time we afforded our girls the same proactive care we give other struggling segments of Klal Yisrael”

Comprehensive Treatment [Outlook / Issue 1097]

Since my time as director of ASI (American Students for Israel) at the University of Illinois (Champaign) 50 short years ago, followed by my (too short-lived) aliyah to Israel, and up until this very day, following my youngest son’s reserve duty in the IDF, I have followed Israel’s history and politics passionately.

That said, I have never read a better account and summary of the Israel-Arab stalemate than Yonoson Rosenblum’s article, “No Right of Return.”

Yonoson laid out the entire history of Arab obstinacy in the space of one article, without omitting anything of consequence. There are excellent books on this subject, numbering hundreds of pages, which don’t nearly do it as well or as thoroughly!

I only wish there were some way to ensure that every Jewish man and woman in America and the “Anglo countries” would read the article carefully and consider the wisdom and truth within it.

Thank you, and bravo, Yonoson!

Gershon (Gordon) Wolf,

Chicago, IL

Introspection Over Projection [Worldview / Issue 1097]

Thank you for printing Rabbi Guttentag’s well-written and nuanced article that touched on the anti-chareidi bias so evident in media reports of the tragedy in the Romema daycare. Another aspect of the saga that strikes me as tragic is the way people regard the news as a reliable source of knowledge.

This morah, and the same is true for the other morahs in the area, is a woman who has dedicated her life to caring for Jewish children.  The pay is minimal and the work is taxing, but meet any of these morahs and you will meet one of the most selfless creations in Hashem’s world.

These women take their jobs very seriously and care for these kids as their own. They celebrate every milestone and get excited by every new step and word the same way a mother would. If the child is ever going through something, the morah is usually the first to pick up on it. These morahs don’t have any technology at home that would take their mind away from the kids. They are fully present with their charges from 8:30 a.m. until 1:30p.m., wanting nothing more than to help these kids grow up into happy, healthy, frum children.

I know this because my wife is a morah, and I can assure you that if one of the kids in her gan gets even a small “boo-boo” while under her care, it keeps her up at night. I could almost guarantee you that this morah, who is currently under house arrest, is heartbroken, and the saddest part is that she can’t even sit shivah for the child she lost. The least we can all do is daven for her.

I feel blessed to live in a neighborhood where the general reaction to this tragedy was one of introspection rather than projection. Most people do not have access to news websites, and rather than casting aspersions or spreading hate messages, they were reflecting inward: What does Hashem want from me? How can I grow from this? The neighborhood made a collection for the legal fees, which seems to be huge, and the main shul in our area, Chanichei Hayeshivos, is gathering everyone together so the community can use this opportunity to grow and become closer to Hashem.

Husband of a Devoted Ganenet in Yerushalayim

We Felt Seen [Storming the Gates / Issue 1097]

I was so excited that Mishpacha’s cover story featured the Ohel Sarala mission to Poland. I joined the trip and can attest that it was truly life-changing in so many ways! Every part of this trip was so well planned to ensure we got only the best — in ruchniyus and gashmiyus. Between the world-class speakers, delicious catered meals, five-star accommodations, and a mega concert in Budapest, everything was done in a way to make each girl feel cherished and seen. And all the small things the organizers thought of were incredible. There were blankets for the bus rides, handwarmers because it was freezing outside, adapters for the EU outlets, snacks for the bus, and the list goes on.

It’s easy as a single girl to feel lonely and forgotten. Going on a trip like this with 350 other single girls, with a program geared specifically to us, gave me such a good, warm feeling. It helped me remember that I’m not in this alone and that I haven’t been forgotten.

I’d like to take this opportunity to thank Rabbi Boruch Goldberger, who puts his heart and soul into every Ohel Sarala project. It’s obvious to all the Ohel Sarala girls that he cares about us and really feels our pain. And a huge thank you to Rabbi Ginzberg and Rabbi Bochner, without whom there would be no Ohel Sarala. The way they took their pain and turned it into purpose inspires us all.

And lastly, thank you to Mishpacha for the coverage of this amazing trip. Please continue to keep the voice of single girls alive.

Name Withheld

Pained by the Passivity [A Way Through / Issue 1097]

Another Tu B’Shevat has come and gone, and that means another freezer has opened and closed, without my beautiful, talented, geshikt, kind, and smart daughter getting any names, dates, or chances to build her own home. I keep hoping that the gedolim will come up with a new plan or system that will work.  But after all the publicity about the proposed solution that was raised last year, the concept seems to have dissipated as if it never existed. Was it the yeshivos that wouldn’t participate, was it the mothers of boys who wouldn’t participate, was it the boys who wouldn’t participate?  One thing I can tell you is that it likely wasn’t the older girls who are still waiting for a date (some for over a year!).

We are a nation of doers, and we are always coming up with solutions for tzaros in Klal Yisrael. Why haven’t we come up with a solution for shidduchim?

We tell our girls they should just wait, and that Hashem will help. Im yirtzeh Hashem, He will help. But do we do the same for other parts of Klal Yisrael who are suffering?

Do we tell the choleh in the hospital that Hashem will help and then sit back and do nothing?

We have the biggest and best bikur cholim organizations that provide food, referrals, housing, money, insurance, and visits for those who are ill.  We fly people around the world to get medical care.

Do we tell people struggling financially that Hashem will help and then sit back and do nothing?

We have more charitable organizations than any other community. We provide tzedakah in the form of money, clothing, food, housing, and tuition assistance.

Do we tell a family that can’t afford a kosher burial for a loved one that Hashem will help and then do nothing?

We have many chevra kaddishas who provide taharos and Jewish burials free of charge so no Jew will be cremated.

Do we tell students having difficulty in schools to daven and then do nothing?

We’ve started after-school programs to tutor kids, we have “big sisters and brothers” to help, and we arrange older chavrusas to learn with struggling kids.

Then why, pray tell, when it comes to our girls, do we just tell them that Hashem will help? Why aren’t we turning over the world to change the status quo? I know there are new shidduch initiatives. But none of them have tilted things so the majority of girls get dates. There are so many girls that don’t get a boy’s name or a yes for years!

We heard about Zuug and we tried it, but our experience has been that upon receiving a name, the boys’ mothers say no before they even look into it.

As a society, we seem to have shifted the burden of the issue directly onto those who are already struggling: the girls. We keep on asking our girls to address the issue themselves (travel for dates, relocate to the tristate area, give up on their ideals) rather than coming to their aid. It’s time we afforded our girls the same proactive care we give other struggling segments of Klal Yisrael.

Name Withheld

Caring for Our Alumni [A Way Through / Issue 1097]

Your recent article on shidduch initatives profiled Simchaseinu, a program that incentivizes high school teachers to redt shidduchim. I’d like to share that Bnos Bais Yaakov/Tichon Meir Moshe High School of Far Rockaway. NY has developed a one-of-a-kind shidduch initiative that goes all out for their alumni when they hit the shidduchim stage. What started as a program to incentivize shadchanim has quickly expanded to all teachers and staff (preschool and up), and now the entire parent body, as well as alumni!  The goal: to empower anyone and everyone to redt shidduchim.

Rochel Levy

One-Stop Shidduch Website [A Way Through / Issue 1097]

I read with great interest the article listing several new shidduch initatives. I’d like to share another. Shidduch Central offers a relatively new, comprehensive website for all frum singles and shadchanim. Here you will find profiles of active shadchanim who are available and interested in helping singles. Singles create their own profiles and can choose a personal shadchan to work with, while shadchanim can download singles’ profiles for future reference. A unique filtering system allows for easier location of ideal available singles or shadchanim.

In addition, Shidduch Central provides listings of upcoming events, articles, resources, dating ideas, and local minyanim by city. It’s a one-stop shop and is free to join.

Shidduch Central Admin

Parents Also Need Grounding [Double Take — Sink or Swim / Issue 1097]

I read this week’s Double Take and my heart broke for the pain of the child, the parent, and the school.

Parents want what’s best for their child. Especially after trauma, they often avoid whatever gives their child anxiety. In the short term, that’s sometimes indeed what’s needed. But what’s dangerous and oftentimes counterproductive is to create a trigger-free environment for the child without giving him any tools to deal with the reality that for others this isn’t anxiety provoking and the need to be able to hold that, too.

It would have been really helpful if the school had given Michali’s mother a heads-up. “We’re going to be announcing a trip to the water park tomorrow. We know your daughter is struggling with water right now, and we wanted her to have prior warning. Of course, whatever she decides with regard to joining will be understood. If there is something we can do on our end that would help her be able to join the trip, we would love to help.”

Ideally, the parent and child would then be able to work on a plan instead of being blindsided, which only aggravated the anxiety.

The conversation with the child could have gone something like this: “The school let me know that the trip will be to a water park. I know this is hard for you. Whatever you choose to do will be okay. If you have any ideas that you think would be helpful to make the trip work so you can be with your friends, let me know. Or maybe we should talk to your therapist about this?”

In the story, it seemed like the child’s anxiety was met by the parent’s anxiety. If the parent can’t be a container for the child’s anxiety, then it will be all over the place. This is another benefit of giving the parent a heads-up: They need to ground themselves first so they can help their child with a positive can-do mindset.

Mrs. Sarah Rivkah Kohn

Founder & Director, Links Family

Practice the Middos You Promote [Double Take — Sink or Swim / Issue 1097]

As a therapist who treats anxiety, I have what to say about how Michali might use exposure to address her fear of water after seeing someone almost drown. (Hint: It doesn’t involve throwing her under the bus by forcing her to go to a water park without her knowledge or consent.)

In any event, Michali contributed to the middos program, which emphasized “kindness, respect, inclusivity, thoughtfulness, and noticing others.” Ironically, now she is being put into harm’s way by the heads of the middos program.

I’d like to give a shout-out to Bais Yaakov of Boro Park and the Mirrer Yeshiva in Brooklyn, both schools who actually embodied the middos they promoted.

Rabbi Ehrenreich a”h, the principal of Bais Yaakov, changed a class’s classroom for the sake of one girl, who for whatever reason, couldn’t tolerate her classroom.

And when my son who learned in the Mirrer Yeshiva was in second grade, they went on a trip along with a chaperone and her young daughter. For some reason, the little girl wasn’t allowed entry to the venue. So the entire grade turned around, got back on the buses, and drove back to yeshivah.

Thank you to my children’s schools, where middos are not just preached but practiced.

Ilana Orange

Part of a Whole [The Kichels / Issue 1097]

I very much enjoy the Kichels and how relatable the content is. I wanted to comment on two points shown in this week’s publication. The basis of the comic was to bring light to the way high schools go about their productions, all in a most professional way that minimizes homegrown talent.

While there are definitely downsides to the shift from “homemade” to “manufactured,” there is something to be said about the school pride that comes along with a most professional production. As a teacher in high school who is very much involved in our (professional) production, I know the pride that our girls feel when they put on a show that leaves the audience wowed and inspired. While we may use screens, have out-of-school staff directing our musicals, and use some prerecorded songs, I still believe there is value in being part of something so big that gives the school’s production a most incredible name in the community.

On the same note, the line “Production — where every girl can shine” brings light to a prevalent misconception in our students and parent body. As our principal states each year before the play: If the goal was for every girl in our 400-plus student body to shine, our play would be over 24 hours long. The goal of a high school production is for each girl to be a part of something big, for school togetherness and unity, and to bring inspiration to the community. If students (and parents) would internalize this, the hurt alluded to in the  sidebar offering trauma therapy for those girls and parents whose kids did not get their desired part, would hopefully be minimized. The goal of play is not about the me — it’s about the we.

A high-school teacher 

Legends in Kiruv [Open Mic / Issue 1096]

I very much enjoyed seeing two of my esteemed colleagues featured in Mishpacha’s pages: Rabbi Ephraim Kamin of the Sha’ar and Rabbi Dovi Grossman of Torah Links.

The Meshech Chochmah (parshas Noach) writes that Moshe Rabbeinu was originally called by the humble title “Ish Mitzri,” but eventually achieved the lofty title of “Ish Elokim.” Moshe earned this promotion due to his mesirus nefesh for the sake of Klal Yisrael. During the time that he was just an “Ish Mitzri,” he was moser nefesh to protect his brothers, which earned him the title of “Ish Elokim.”

Both Rabbi Kamin and Rabbi Grossman are outstanding kiruv professionals who are recognized for ingenuity in their kiruv methods and have become legendary “men of G-d” in the kiruv world, serving Hashem by helping lost Jews find their way. They also both began their kiruv work from the offices of the Jewish Study Network in Palo Alto, CA, working on the campuses of Stanford and Berkeley Universities. They each spent many years under the guidance of my good friend Rabbi Joey Felsen, enabling them to develop and hone their kiruv skills to become the esteemed “men of G-d” they are today. We’d be remiss if we didn’t mention that their mesirus nefesh for Klal Yisrael, as manifested in the many years they spent working for the Jewish Study Network, is what enabled them to succeed in such extraordinary ways.

Avi Lebowitz

Palo Alto, California

When the Boss Cries Wolf [Double Take — Offline / Issue 1094]

I’ve been going back and forth about the Double Take where Nechami, a valuable worker, takes a vacation and her organization suffered immensely when there was a glitch and they couldn’t reach her to fix it.
On the one hand, I wondered, is it reasonable that an employee is never entitled to a vacation where they’re totally offline? But on the other hand, I countered to myself, if an employee has sole access to company information, how can they go totally offline? But thinking about it more, it became crystal clear to me that the fault for what happened lay solely with the boss.

Nechami tells us how she received all sorts of requests after hours, often urgent ones, but many that weren’t.

So yes, Aaron. If you take advantage of your employees’ availability, you will end up paying the price.
This organizational crisis didn’t start with Nechami being unreachable during the trip. It started with the very first out-of-hours request that wasn’t genuinely urgent.
When a boss reaches out to an employee after hours for something that can wait, they are going to be the one stuck with the mess when, after many calls, the employee decides to take a break where they are going to be totally unreachable.

Name Withheld

Mindset Change Mandated [The Conversation Continues / Issue 1093]

Although it’s been a few weeks since Mishpacha featured the discussion about social spending in the frum community, I wanted to add a few points.

All of the suggestions and ideas regarding spending, money, and peer pressure are great, but I think a lot of the difficulty stems from a simple mindset that many people struggle with. Most of us know the song “Yanky got a bigger piece of cake than me...” What is the antidote to jealousy? “Eizehu ashir? Hasameiach b’chelko.” Being happy with what we have! If someone else can afford Pesach on another continent, brand-name clothing, or a nice car, we should be happy for them. But it shouldn’t impact our spending. We need to internalize the idea that Hashem provides everyone with brachos and nisyonos that are unique to each individual. What the next person does should have no bearing on our personal avodas Hashem.

I believe that a mindset shift and the ability to work on our middah of kinah can be a real solution. When we see another Yid spending money, instead of being jealous and trying to match that standard, be happy for them. Realize that every Yid has their own package of brachos and nisyonos, and we cannot compare our portion to anyone else’s. If I can’t afford something, it’s really okay. It’s what’s best for me. But if someone else can afford it, baruch Hashem! They were given a brachah, and we can work on being happy for Hashem’s children, our siblings.

C.F. 

Price of Support [Unsustainable / 1092]

Thanks for a great magazine. I was impressed with many of the responses about financial pressures in “Unsustainable,” but I was waiting for someone to address the unsustainability of one of the most ubiquitous features of frum life: the price tag for girls in shidduchim to get a date with a large percentage of bochurim in certain mainstream yeshivos.

I have yet to hear of any rabbanim or roshei yeshivah addressing this practice, in which girls’ parents, many of whom are klei kodesh, must commit to monthly support payments of thousands of dollars for a specific number of years, amounting to sums they simply don’t have.  Is any rav or rosh yeshivah willing to address what has become, among many others, a fixed part of a shidduch crisis spinning out of control? Has anyone considered the number of girls who literally cannot get dates for the sole reason that their parents don’t have the means to commit to this financial arrangement?

Aside from conveying to girls that they are just valued for the money their parents promise,  there’s also a financial crisis in the making. Parents are taking out loans they can’t repay and struggling to pay for many other expenses because of this unsustainable practice.

Name Withheld

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1098)