“Rabbi Kerzner offered a far more compelling approach. Instead of focusing on restriction, we should shift what we celebrate”

Credit Where It’s Due  [The Moment / Issue 1094]

Last week’s “Living Higher” article was a beautiful tribute to my father, Samuel Parker a”h, who persevered despite his hearing loss, and to Yeshivas Nefesh Dovid here in Toronto. However, I would be remiss if I didn’t give due credit to Rabbi Morris Kosman a”h of Frederick, Maryland. There is no doubt that we would not be where we are today — perpetuating my father’s legacy and living an observant lifestyle — were it not for this gentle giant. Rabbi Kosman was a tremendous influence on our family, both before and after my father’s passing, and his presence and guidance left an indelible mark on our lives. My sister, Esther Resnick, and I have no words to adequately express our hakaras hatov. Our gratitude to Rabbi Kosman, his entire family, and the enduring connection we continue to share truly knows no bounds.

Joely Parker Bernstein

Toronto, Ontario

Now I Get It [Guestlines / Issue 1094]

Rabbi Aryeh Kerzner’s article on shame may be the most insightful and compelling presentation of this crisis that I have ever read. It articulated an issue I have long grappled with: If I am financially comfortable, what exactly is wrong with spending money? I give tzedakah, I support mosdos, I contribute meaningfully to the community. Why shouldn’t I have a wedding with multiple well-known singers or elaborate floral arrangements?

Rav Kerzner pinpointed the issue with remarkable clarity. The question is not whether money is being spent, but why. If the spending is meant to genuinely enhance one’s own simchah and improve the experience, then there is nothing wrong with it. But if the motive is to make a statement — to impress, to signal status, to be noticed by others — then it becomes deeply detrimental.

I love this guideline! And im yirtzeh Hashem, at my next chasunah — coming up in just two months — I plan to put it into practice: one singer, and spending only on elements that truly make the wedding a more enjoyable and meaningful experience for everyone present.

Name Withheld

It’s Okay to Say I Can’t Afford It [Guestlines / Issue 1094]

I found Rabbi Kerzner’s article on shame incredibly powerful. In particular, his point about openness within the family about financial limits struck a personal chord.

That said, this kind of openness can only truly work if it becomes a broader communal norm. As a tzibbur, we need to begin speaking honestly about financial limits — not just privately, but in public spaces as well: on podcasts, at meetings, and in communal forums. We need to be able to say without embarrassment, “I can’t afford to spend $15,000 on an aufruf.”

I genuinely believe this is one of the simplest and most effective ways to address the crisis we’re facing. At its core, this is an issue of social pressure. When we are open about our limits, we send a powerful message: There is more to life than money and displays of wealth. And when our children grow up hearing that message, they will become comfortable with a more balanced, grounded approach to spending.

Y.W.

Applaud the Understated [Guestlines / Issue 1094]

I thought Rabbi Aryeh Kerzner’s article last week was truly brilliant. What resonated with me most was the final question he addressed: How do we actually motivate wealthy people to scale back their spending?

Takanos and pressure rarely accomplish that goal. At best, they help a little — but they are not a real solution. Rabbi Kerzner offered a far more compelling approach. Instead of focusing on restriction, we should shift what we celebrate. We should honor those who can afford extravagant simchahs but consciously choose to make a regular one. They should be highlighted, praised, and publicly recognized as role models. Because if the primary driver behind lavish spending is attention or making a statement, imagine the impact when the greater statement becomes simplicity — especially when everyone knows that more was well within reach.

Perhaps platforms like MKY status and other popular frum WhatsApp groups could be used to shine a light on these baalei simchah and their choices, as we applaud and elevate these understated, values-driven celebrations.

Rachel Gross

Better Music Options? [Open Mic / Issue 1094]

After reading Rabbi Yerachmiel Garfield’s piece about the pitfalls of kosher music devices, I was truly disappointed at the way parents and adults are looking at these devices and getting the wrong perspective. Rabbi Garfield lists three main reasons why these devices need vigilance: First, not all songs on these devices are accepted by everyone; second, that children wind up spending all their free time on them; and third, that it creates singer “star power.”

But the other option is to get an MP3 device. Now, most of these devices get their music from either a SD card slot or from a computer, and even with a filtered one, you can still download fully goyish music and inappropriate content onto the MP3. Plus, your son can now copy and paste any content from his friend’s SD card, and even if he can’t play a video on his MP3, he can play it on any computer, even if it’s not connected to the Internet! Yet with one of these music devices, the company gives you the option to filter the singers, and there’s no SD card where your child can get bad stuff.

Regarding the free time issue, kids will find a way to spend their time listening to music anyway, and having a regular MP3 is probably worse. And regarding the “star” situation, singers were always famous and always will be, but that has nothing to do with these devices — it’s a much broader issue related to chinuch and other factors. That said, parents should look into all of the options available and have a discussion with someone who knows the ins and outs of technology.

A Tech Maven

Much-Needed Discussion [Open Mic / Issue 1094]

Rabbi Yerachmiel Garfield’s article this week was read out in its entirety at our Shabbos table and discussed with our teens in a conversation that was animated and thoughtful. The kids noted that much of what he wrote echoed points raised in discussions we had had about Jewish music and kosher devices and thought it covered a much-needed topic. Looking forward to more lively conversations as we dissect your columns!

A Family of Fans in England

Who’s Calling the Shots? [Screenshot / Issue 1094]

The experiences of the party planner are not uncommon, and they don’t start with the engagement. As a mechaneches, I already see this with very young children. Parents are scared to “hurt” their child and scared to ruin their relationship from day one. The trend of painting authority and structure as “abusive” has created a generation of parents who are petrified of being mechanech their children or of being viewed as authoritative. One area that is affected by this issue is gashmiyus standards, because children are more easily swayed by what they see (especially when they don’t pay the bills) and they are the ones calling the shots. Obviously, I am not referring to genuinely harmful parenting. But trying to make sure your child will never struggle or feel the kind of pain that comes from normal life circumstances is not Torahdig or healthy, and will also simply not work.

Name Withheld

Practical Solutions  [Offline – Double Take / Issue 1094]

As a senior data engineer for a large Fintech company, this week’s Double Take really resonated with me. I can absolutely relate to the incredible stress and frustration that Aaron felt during Nechami’s absence. However, Nechami is entitled to take a short vacation without having to be on call for work matters. While both sides’ emotions are valid, I’d like to suggest some practical solutions that could have prevented this from happening.

1) The fact that Nechami is the only employee with credentials to a company-wide service is bad practice. The company should have a shared password vault (such as LastPass or 1Password) where different employees can access important credentials.

2) 2FA codes for organization-wide services should not go to a personal phone number or email account. In this situation, had the code gone to Nechami’s work email that the team had access to, the issue could have been resolved earlier.

3) The company should provide Nechami with a work phone that she can leave in the office while she is away. This would be a clear indicator that she is not accessible during her time off, and would also allow Aaron to access any essential work communications for her.

While the Double Take story is fictional, the core solutions are relevant to many businesses, and hopefully these suggestions can help others avoid the difficult predicament that Aaron was placed in.

Mindy Kornfeld

Jackson, NJ

Our Economic Crisis [Closing Shop / 1093]

Sarah Massry’s article was mainly focused on the reality of opening new businesses, especially in Lakewood, but it also touched on the general state of the economy, of which there has been a lot of talk. One of the main issues being discussed is how hard it is to find a job. When looking at the general economy, many people point out that the numbers are actually pretty good. Unemployment is low and the stock market is fairly stable, especially considering all the predictions around tariffs and related issues. Many people expected it to be much worse.

Despite that, it still feels very hard for many people to find jobs. And even those who are employed often don’t have job satisfaction and struggle to move to something better. And we all know people who are looking for jobs and just can’t seem to find something. Is it really enough to look at the general economy and judge the situation based on that, or is it possible that within our own communities, the situation is actually worse?

The frum economy has seen a shift in the past years in several ways, primarily as many frum people are employed by frum businesses. This is very different from our parents’ generation, where most people worked within the general economy. As our communities grew and got stronger economically, creating more opportunities to stay within our own system, it became a more suitable environment for our needs.

However, it is very possible that our own economy has not yet caught up to the level of the general economy when it comes to providing jobs. There are other limitations as well, due to a dearth of professionals because of limited secular education, and on the other end, an array of blue-collar jobs that frum people have a hard time even considering.

All this considered, perhaps our own economy is a lot less affluent than the general economy, and may simply not have enough opportunity for everyone. We might even discover that we are in a recession of our own. I don’t know what the solution is, but I do believe this is something we need to think about more seriously.

Name Withheld

Trying to Stay Normal [Closing Shop / Issue 1093]

This article gave the impression that while Lakewood has a widespread issue with people overspending on luxuries, many high-end stores in Lakewood have recently closed, due to lack of business. I am confused, is there an overspending epidemic or not?

The failure of a large number of luxury stores should prove the point. Most people in Lakewood are not overspending. They are doing their best to stay in budget. People I know are not going into credit card debt for status-raising luxuries. We are doing our best to keep to the standards and remain in budget.

Yes, the standards keep rising and that is a problem. That Lakewood has become associated with extreme gashmiyus is a sad reality. But in the world that I live, overspending and status-displaying is not the issue. It does not hold true for most of us. We’re doing what we can just to be normal. The problem is that normal keeps climbing.

A Lakewood Yungerman

To the Last Drop [Nachum Sparks Mystery / Issues 1088-1091]

The Mystery of the Missing Menorahs was such a fun read! But I’m wondering — how it is that the couple of drops of devil-root solution hadn’t evaporated before the menorahs were lit?

Elkie Kantor, Yerushalayim

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1095)