“We would collapse without our shuls and schools. And then, along comes an individual in a well-placed position who upends the entire structure”

Learn from Others’ Experience [Inbox / Issue 1083]

I’d like to respond to “Concerned Father” who wrote that he is worried about his teens’ exposure to difficult life circumstances on the pages of this magazine. I completely understand your concern.

I also believe it’s valuable for teens to hope for the best while being prepared for challenges. Observing how others face and manage unexpected difficulties can teach important lessons in resilience. Life often throws curveballs; nobody chooses to face diabetes, ADHD, cancer, orphanhood, or parental alienation. Yet, we do have the power to cultivate resilience and reflect on how Hashem wants us to act in such situations. Every challenge is an opportunity for growth, and this mother utilized her painful opportunity in a commendable way.

Chaya R.

Toms River, NJ

Self-Defense Is Imperative [Open Mic / Issue 1083]

The article about Britain capitulating to terror was a great article, and a very shocking one. But the phenomenon shouldn’t come as a surprise. Britain is no stranger to violence and government edicts against the Jews, such as the pogrom in York, England, in 1190; and the expulsion of the Jews from England from 1290 to 1656.

I take exception to one statement by the author: “...I do not want to live in a Britain where Jewish schools need armed guards....”

This is a naive statement. I understand that the author grew up in a country where firearms have been banned and the populace completely disarmed, but the fact is, that every school, Jewish or not, needs extensive security, which includes armed personnel. This is because there are now, always have been, and always will be, evil people who seek to kill and destroy others for reasons unknown. Common sense dictates that we protect our children when they are in school from these evil people. Of course, firearms need to be a part of that layered defense.

Rashi stated it very well: “...The Torah has taught you: If someone is coming to kill you, kill them first....”

Avraham Sonenthal

Special Sensitivity [Prince Among Men / Issue 1083]

It’s been five days since Rabbi Hauer’s petirah, and I’m still shocked and grieving, but trying to function, be productive and somehow emulate Rabbi Hauer’s ways.

My connection to Rabbi Hauer goes back about 15 years, when he was invited to speak to a group of parents with special needs, of which my wife and I were a part. I was so impressed with his powerful yet soft-spoken chizuk, and felt he would be a great fit to speak to the support group for parents of special-needs children that I had founded.

He agreed to speak, and I remember being so taken how he was so on target. The approach he took was so caring and sensitive to the feelings of our parents. I could tell he did a masterful job on his homework and measured every word so carefully. It was a special evening that left all the attendees walking away inspired and uplifted.

About ten years ago, our son Eli, who is autistic, non-verbal and developmentally delayed, was turning 16, and things were getting more challenging at home. Yom Tov was approaching, and as there is no question that he is not chayav in mitzvos, my wife told me she thought it made sense for us to send him to his [public] school on those days to allow us a semblance of a normal Yom Tov.

Wanting to run this by a rav, I called Rabbi Hauer. He thought for ten seconds and promptly responded. “Not only do I agree with your wife that you should send him to school,” he said, “but you should go a step further. Please tell his teachers and staff that whatever they have the class do in school, he should be doing the same. It doesn’t matter if it’s cutting, writing or pressing a button on a computer.

“I am telling you this because if he senses that in your home it is Yom Tov and at school they are holding him back from his normal routine, it will throw him off and they might have to react to his behaviors in a firm way. I am afraid he will come home with feelings and emotions that will make you regret your decision to send him to school.”

Knowing Rabbi Hauer, I wasn’t surprised at the answer, but I was still amazed at his sensitivity, caring and brilliance. He was a person whose exclusive mission was growth in avodas Hashem. He cared for and loved his family, shul, community and Klal Yisrael. It didn’t matter where you were from, your background, your opinions. It was all l’Sheim Shamayim. Let us try to emulate him as a zechus for his special neshamah.

Sholom Hoffman

Struggling to Disconnect [Dispatch / Issue 1082]

I would like to respond to the article titled “My Silent Screen,” by Rabbi Hillel Goldberg.

I was hoping to read something hopeful, that might even validate the struggle that smartphone usage poses for so many of us. But upon reading the article, I was disappointed.

Whenever there’s a problem that needs to be addressed, it’s tempting to look at the surface-level issue, but the problem with that is that we won’t get to the underlying source of the problem.

Personally, I struggle with this a LOT! Like, a L-O-T. Someone whom I was working with tried to assign time limits but that didn’t work. It just made me feel bad, “broken” and wasn’t effective at all.

Now, as I’m learning more about my emotional world, and about mental health in general, I see the importance of getting to the root of the issue and addressing it from there — with a generous dose of self-compassion.

We all know when we’re self-sabotaging or engaging in something that’s not in our best interest, but we do it anyway because of the instant gratification it gives us (though we’re well aware of the consequences) and because of impulsivity struggles.

Compounding the issue, the creators of smartphones designed them in such a way that we look for more ways to get the instant gratification, even when we know good and well that we shouldn’t.

The issue is that the dopamine effect gets a hold of us before we know it, and combined with the instant gratification and all the algorithms that pop up, we find ourselves lost.

Lastly, some of us view our phones as an extension of ourselves. Please hear me out before you judge.

Personally, I find myself longing for genuine, heartfelt connections that I don’t get on a daily basis. I love connecting with a group of like-minded friends, who share my struggles, validate me, and really get it.

Yes, I’m well aware that smartphones don’t give us “genuine connection” but when you’re starving for it, and there’s no one around available to give it in the way that you need it, we take what we can get.

At the end of the day, I think we’re all looking and searching for ways to be more present, productive and content with our personal choices, in terms of our phone usage.

Sarah

Troubling Trend [Declaration of Independence / Issue 1081]

Thank you for your continued efforts to profile individuals whose lives and philosophies spark meaningful conversation. Your recent article on Mr. Yoeli Landau certainly did that, and I read it with great interest.

One section that stood out was Mr. Landau’s explanation for flying on a private jet. He offered three reasons: (1) “If Hashem gives you, you should use it,” (2) “You must be generous to yourself in order to be generous to others,” and (3) the ability to maintain spiritual boundaries — such as davening with a minyan and preserving shemiras einayim.

While these points reflect Mr. Landau’s personal philosophy, the first two warrant deeper consideration. The first raises a fundamental question: Does receiving abundance from Hashem automatically imply a license to indulge in luxury? Torah sources often emphasize gratitude expressed through restraint, responsibility, and communal sensitivity — not necessarily through personal consumption.

The second reason, too, is troubling. The idea that personal indulgence is a prerequisite for generosity does not align with the lived reality of many baalei tzedakah. Across the Jewish world, there are countless individuals who live modestly and give away large percentages of their income — quietly, consistently, and without fanfare. Moreover, this framing echoes a recent philanthropic proposal suggesting that extravagant spending can be morally offset by charitable giving. Such logic risks normalizing excess and shifting the focus away from humility and communal responsibility.

T.N.,

Passaic, NJ

It’s Not a Hoax [Space Race / Issue 1081]

I have had a lifelong interest in space exploration since a year before the first Apollo moon landing. So when Mishpacha runs an article about space, I always make sure to read it.

The articles about Jared Isaacson’s and Elon Musk’s space efforts were fascinating, and very informative to me. However, there was a sentence I found concerning. “Without the Cold War, Neil Armstrong wouldn’t have taken that (alleged?) small step.” I hope Mishpacha isn’t going into the business of throwing a bone to the hoax and conspiracy notions (I will not dignify them by referring to them as “theories.”) The moon landings happened. They are a historical fact.

I watched video footage of the moments immediately before Armstrong took that step. After what seemed like an interminably long time to me, an 11-year old enthusiast on earth, it was reported that the astronauts were suited up with the hatch opened. At this point in the CBS telecast, what was shown was a nice, full-color mockup of the inside of the Lunar Module with an astronaut on his knees backing out of the hatch, and the other standing to a side, holding what looked like a lifeline of some kind. This view was clearly marked on the bottom “SIMULATION.” At last, the television picture went to a black-and-white view of the moon, a leg of the LM, and Armstrong descending it.

I can make it out now, having trained myself what to look for, but back then, as it was happening, I couldn’t tell what I was seeing. I found the view totally unclear. The picture seemed shadowy, almost ghostly, and even given the black-and-white camera it was coming from, the picture was far less clear than most shows I’d seen before when I had access to black-and-white TV. I also found the conversation between the astronauts and Mission Control very difficult to make out.

If, as some are determined to assert, the whole moon landing era was a government hoax, it was some poorly done hoax! Someone doing a hoax wouldn’t have exchanged a full color, well-defined picture for the less than state-of-the-art black-and-white image I was seeing and continue to see every time I watch Apollo 11 video clips.

It’s true that in itself, whether or not the moon landings happened makes no difference to our daily lives or to our Yiddishkeit. But the hoax ideas about the moon landings have been part of a very tragic and dangerous trend in which real accomplishments of historical and current figures in many areas have come to be degraded. This unfortunately includes how some have come to regard our gedolim and rebbeim.

In the last several decades, a culture has sprouted that allows people who have no accomplishments in their own right to tear down or deny those of others in some attempt to frame themselves as intellectuals. Mishpacha should not be giving legitimacy to this sickness no matter who is being knocked down. Not our gedolei Torah, not George Washington, and not Neil Armstrong!

Aharon Tuvia Gladstone

Ramat Beit Shemesh

We All Know One [Calligraphy / Issue 1081]

Thank you so much for my trusty Yom Tov treat of Calligraphy. All of the pieces were works of art, but I feel that a special shout-out must be given to Shmuel Botnick for his story “In Plain View.” I convinced my husband, a shul rabbi, to read it as well.

Afterward, as I was recalling the juicy arguments of the Chevreh “Lehatir lahem arayos,” my husband was enamored by something completely different. He quietly stated that “everyone has a Rube in his/her life.” He challenged me to name some whom we know. I could easily.... Can everyone else too?

Mrs. B. Willig

How Did We Get Here? [Calligraphy / Issue 1081]

My first reaction to the story “In Plain View” was Wow, we’ve reached the next stage in being able to recognize and address a spreading issue. Now we will open the door to a topic that has been brewing for many years but never acknowledged in an open forum for constructive discussion.

Rabbi Kaden is not alone in his experience. Although officially a fictional character, he stands for all the many individuals in his position — the Rav who is an anchor for his kehillah, the menahel who treats each neshamah in his care as his own child, the rebbi who deals with flourishing bochurim and the rebbi who deals with struggling bochurim, the teachers and principals who are there for girls of all ages, from preschool through the numerous post-sem programs, holding their hands as they grow.

These are the foundations of our community. We would collapse without our shuls and schools. And then, along comes an individual in a well-placed position who upends the entire structure. It can be a fabricated concern, a point taken out of context, an inconvenience to his own lifestyle, or any number of small, insignificant factors. Suddenly, the rav/principal/head of the mossad is thrown into a whirlpool of confusion.

It doesn’t matter how much the kehillah values the rav, the parents appreciate their children’s principal, or the staff admires their administrator. Everything will crumble before this one individual’s wishes. And of course, all is done with “daas Torah,” another point that regrettably isn’t only part of a fictional story.

Unfortunately, such situations are becoming increasingly common. We owe it to ourselves to ask the difficult question of how we got here and how we are going to proceed from here.

Name Withheld

Take Action Before It’s Too Late [Dispatch / Issue 1079]

I wanted to make an important note on Rabbi Hillel Goldberg’s piece in the Rosh Hashanah edition titled “Almost Too Late.” He speaks of the value of supporting, speaking to, visiting, and learning from our aging generation of Holocaust survivors.

Working with Holocaust survivors for the Jewish Community Council of Greater Coney Island, I see this timely lesson in real time, very vividly. I wanted to offer the opportunity to meet with, and get to know Holocaust survivors of all backgrounds — Polish, Hungarian, Russian, or Ukrainian. No matter their exact history or particular story, they hold lessons of strength, what it means to be a Jew, and a human being, and they truly appreciate the support and the opportunity to pay forward what they can.

If you are interested in volunteering, feel free to contact me via Mishpacha.

Elisheva Lock, MPA, LCSW Director/Educational Coordinator Connect 2 for Holocaust Survivors

Rabbi Ferber Makes a Comeback [A Century Strong / Issue 1079]

I very much enjoyed Riki Goldstein’s recent feature “A Century Strong” about Manchester’s Machzikei Hadass community. The article beautifully captured the determination and mesirus nefesh of those early founders who built a stronghold of Torah and Yiddishkeit against the current of assimilation.

One detail that stood out was the mention of Rav Tzvi Hirsch Ferber, author of Kerem Hatzvi, who served as the first rosh yeshivah of the Manchester Yeshivah. It’s inspiring to see his legacy remembered in connection with the city’s spiritual rebirth.

A new edition of Kerem Hatzvi is in the works. Rav Ferber’s commentary on the Haggadah and the Siddur are already in print, and his commentary on Megillas Esther is forthcoming — newly typeset, with clear print and fully opened roshei teivos — making Rav Ferber’s Torah more accessible to a new generation of lomdei Torah. It’s remarkable to see how the seeds he planted over a century ago in Manchester continue to bear fruit, both in the thriving Torah community there and in the renewed interest in his writings.

A Grateful Reader

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1084)