“Why there is so much distressed hand-wringing at events that Trump as good as told you were coming?”

Love Isn’t Enough [Guestlines / Issue 1064]

I thoroughly enjoyed Rabbi Kerzner’s recent article on creating a successful Shabbos meal. His emphasis on making the Shabbos table a geshmak, inviting, and uplifting experience truly resonated with me.

It reminded me of something I once heard from Rav Belsky ztz”l, that left a lasting impression. I had mentioned to him that I was planning a weeklong summer vacation with my children, and he asked, “What will you be doing while you’re away?”

I replied earnestly, “I plan to learn as much as I can.”

His response caught me off guard: “No, you won’t. You’ll go canoeing with your son. Then you’ll play a game of baseball. You’ll sit down and learn a little. Then you’ll enjoy a barbecue with the family. Maybe you’ll pick up a sefer again. Then you’ll go on a walk with your wife.”

His message was simple: Your children will learn the most from you if they enjoy being with you. It’s not enough for them to love you — they need to genuinely like you, to want to spend time with you, and to associate being around you with warmth, joy, and connection.

Rabbi Kerzner’s article captured that same idea beautifully. Thank you for publishing such thoughtful, practical guidance.

Yaakov Stein

Expression of Royalty [Guestlines / Issue 1064]

I greatly appreciated Rabbi Aryeh Kerzner’s recent piece on the deeper purpose of the Shabbos meal. One idea in particular that stayed with me was the concept that part of the neshamah yeseirah is the gift of keser malchus — a crown of royalty bestowed upon us each Shabbos. He noted that this is not merely a spiritual concept, but something with a tangible, physical dimension.

That insight gave me pause — and shifted my perspective.

I’ve long been critical of lavish kiddushim: extravagant spreads, meat boards, sushi platters, thousands of dollars poured into what can feel like one-upmanship. I saw it as excessive, even off-putting. But perhaps there’s another way to look at it.

Maybe what we’re seeing isn’t (always) indulgence — but an expression of that inner royalty. Perhaps when people elevate their Shabbos experience — sometimes even through upgraded food and presentation — they’re responding to the quiet pull of their own malchus, the regal dimension of the Shabbos soul calling for something more dignified, more elevated, more beautiful.

Thank you for publishing such a thought-provoking perspective.

Rachel Gross

Throwing Out the Potion [Open Mic / Issue 1064]

In Rabbi Moshe Dov Heber’s excellent piece, “Do We Realize What They’re Hearing?” he relates a mashal of a highwayman who threw away the potion that could have saved his son’s life. The point was that sometimes our own words or actions can destroy that which potentially can be of so much help to our children.

I heard that mashal many years ago from Rav Mattisyahu Salomon ztz”l. When I finished writing The Gift of Speech, I asked Rav Mattisyahu if he would grace the book with a michtav brachah. After reading selections from the manuscript, he told me, “I will give you a michtav brachah — but you must include the following.” He then proceeded to relate something that he had heard from a retired rav in England who had led a congregation of unlearned people. Sadly, the shul president had no understanding of kavod haTorah, and would speak to the rav, and about him, with utter disrespect.

One day, the president needed the rav’s help. His daughter was on the verge of becoming engaged to a non-Jew, and he wanted the rav to talk her out of it. The rav met with the young woman for over an hour, but she could not be convinced to change her plans. When the rav reported his failure to the president, he responded angrily, “Even this you can’t do for me?”

The rav told Rav Mattisyahu that until that day, he had never responded to the president’s insults. But this time he felt that he had to respond.

He told him the mashal of the highwayman, which he had heard from his rebbi, the Chofetz Chaim. After relating the mashal, the Chofetz Chaim said the nimshal:

Talmidei chachamim are like doctors in that with their words of Torah wisdom, they can address every sort of problem and cure it. But that is only if what they say is treated with respect. If their words are met with scorn and derision, no one will take their words to heart. Those who ridicule them are, in effect, taking their “life-saving potion” and casting it into the river.

Said the rav to the president: “All the years that I’ve been rav here, you treated my words with utter disrespect — and your daughter knows that. You took my potion and cast it into the river. And now you expect your daughter to take my words to heart? You have only yourself to blame.”

Rabbi Shimon Finkelman

Shooting Yourself in the Foot [Open Mic / Issue 1064]

Thank you to Rabbi Moshe Dov Heber for his insightful column that serves as a sobering and powerful reminder that parents’ words have a far-reaching impact. As a teacher and parent, I sometimes wonder if parents have any idea about the things children repeat when their parents criticize a school or teacher. Respectful, ongoing, and transparent communication is key for a successful parent-teacher relationship.

Parents don’t realize that much of what they say in front of (both younger and older) children will be repeated, and they should not underestimate what their words can do. One example that comes to mind is when a child comes in saying, “My mother said that it’s the teacher’s fault that I failed the test.”

There are multiple reasons that a child may fail a test, and any good teacher will investigate and work to figure out a cause and a path for the future. But a parent who gives over this kind of message is hurting the child! Firstly, it teaches the child to blame others as opposed to looking inward and focusing on their own responsibility and role in the study process, as well as to figure out systematically, with the teacher’s help, how to improve going forward. Moreover, the teacher who heard this message is left with a lasting negative impression of the parents that often does not serve them well in the future.

We owe it to our children to make sure that even in times of challenge and difficulty at school, we choose the path of respectful, ongoing dialogue with their teachers, and do not have our children walking into school relaying the implicit or explicit, verbal or unspoken criticism they heard at home.

A Parent and Teacher

Bad Idea [TLC Talks / Issue 1064]

In the latest column, Rabbi Garfield replied to a questioner wondering about the phenomenon of youth minyanim. Saying that the father should be a role model of love for davening is important, but I don’t believe it addresses the actual question.

When I was younger, I thought youth minyanim were a wonderful idea, but I’ve since realized otherwise. I have a number of objections:

1) Most of these minyanim are all about speed and socializing. The emphasis on speed actually converts the minyan into quite a joke.

2) Once a boy stops davening with his father, they will probably never do so again.

3) The youth minyan invariably starts later than the adult one, leaving no one to wake the teen up for minyan.

4) Youth minyanim often don’t make sof zeman Krias Shema or zeman tefillah. The argument that without such a minyan teens would not daven at all needs to be decided by a gadol — but no one is asking.

5) The lack of an adult presence in the room leads to babyish behavior in many places.

6) Not always are all the teens in the youth minyan the friends you would choose for your sons to mingle with.

7) The age at which children feel that they do not need to accompany their fathers to shul is getting younger and younger, which only makes all the above that much more relevant.

There are some places where once in six weeks, fathers and sons join together for a youth minyan. This allows the boys the chance to lead the minyan while obviating most of the issues.

There are also a few places where the youth minyan is run by adults. This alleviates some of the issues, but not all; the child is still not davening with his father, and the zemanim are not necessarily being kept.

A much-preferable alternative would be to create a youth-friendly kehillah in the father’s shul where the atmosphere makes the teens want to show up and be part of it. Let the shul have a friendly rav and mispallelim who show an interest in the youth. Let the shul offer youth activities over Yom Tov, and make the kehillah a focal place that they wouldn’t want to miss for anything. Of course, the davening should be lively and musical so their emotions are stirred.

Davening for us and our children,

Refoel Levi

Israel

Collective Hespedim [For the Record / Issue 1063]

Yehuda Geberer and Dovi Safier have once again done a terrific job, this time giving us a small but compelling taste of the gadlus of Rav Elye Pruzhaner.

I know their space was limited; however, perhaps they could comment on the gathering itself.

Was it common to have hespedim of several gedolim at once? The first of these gedolim to be niftar was Rav Naftali, a full 15 months before the petirah of the Rav Elye. Was it typical to have collective hespedim in this type of time frame?

Thank you for your consideration.

M. Goldman

Hewlett, NY

The writers respond:

Thank you so much for the feedback. Glad you enjoyed it. It was actually quite common during that era to cluster several hespedim to honor Torah leaders who had passed away during the previous year or so. We’ve bumped into several such posters inviting the public to such hesped ceremony evenings. It seems that it was done quite often.

No Surprises [The Current / Issue 1063]

Recent weeks have seen a storm of second-guessing in the pages of this magazine, as Trump’s relationship with Israel has become a bit worrisome. Writers have been addressing it in different ways, some openly acknowledging their apprehension, some scrambling for explanations, and some issuing dire warnings as to what will happen next. I have a question.

Why are you surprised?

Trump has made no secret throughout his career as to his attitude. He doesn’t believe in silly ideas like right or wrong; he doesn’t believe in old-fashioned things like kindness, politeness, or diplomacy. He has zero moral principles and is not interested in fulfilling this country’s sacred role as protector of the free world. He likes money, he likes power, he likes bullying, and his only principle is America First.

He has been saying this explicitly all along. The sole focus of his presidency is American success. He doesn’t believe in helping people for their sake, he only believes in helping people if it’s lucrative. As long as Israel’s friendship is useful to him, he will keep it. As soon as he decides that Qatari toys are more interesting to him than the only democracy in the Middle East, he can abandon the friendship as he has many others.

America First has been exercised by destroying the Canadian economy. It has been exercised by sending immigrants out of the country — on the grounds that they are gang members — without a trial. It has been exercised by abandoning Ukraine to the unprovoked advances of the world’s second most powerful military. And now we are shocked by hints that perhaps it will be exercised at the expense of Israel.

Let’s think back a few months and understand the fundamental difference between Biden and Trump. When Biden was president, no shocking, unexpected turnarounds happened — because Biden was a true liberal, and believed in right and wrong. He had principles. It is true that those principles included the value of Palestinian lives, which has somehow become at odds with the minds of Orthodox Jews, but they also included steadfast, constant support and defense of the Jewish State. I need not enumerate his unprecedented military aid to Israel — my previous letter has done so (and I have been gratified to see that very little Biden-bashing happened since its printing). Under Biden, we knew what to expect. We knew we could rely on a pro-Israel president. But under Trump, we are nervous and tense. His tendency — so often praised in these pages! — to overturn accepted norms, may be directed in an uncomfortable direction very soon.

A bit of attentiveness would have eliminated the shock. Again and again, Trump emphasized America First. The first people to use this phrase were the conservatives during World War II — the ones who thought we shouldn’t go fight the Nazis. It has since been the slogan of people like Pat Buchanan, who has said that Capitol Hill is “Israel-occupied territory” and James Baker, an influential Republican politician, whose famous statement about Jews consisted of words not fit for a kosher publication. It is a principle of the Ku Klux Klan, whose publications write things like, “The Jew is the root of all the world’s evils.” And it was a principle of the people marching at Charlottesville, those people Trump refused to condemn.

This is why I’m confused. We are not dealing with anything new. A quick look at history tells us that people like Joe Biden are consistent and dependable, whereas nationalist conservatives will sacrifice anything for American success.

I am not a doomsayer, nor am I predicting that Trump will abandon Israel entirely. I am just asking why there is so much distressed hand-wringing at events that Trump as good as told you were coming.

Thank you for an enjoyable publication,

B.E., New York

Family Connection [Bridge Above Time / Issue 1063]

I had tremendous pleasure reading Shmuel Botnick’s beautiful article about Rav Mendel Kaplan ztz”l in your Shavuos edition, for several reasons, both personal and intellectual.

My father, Rav Nochum Zeldes z”l, was raised in Baranovich where my zeide, Rav Yosef Dov Hy”d, was a maggid shiur in the yeshivah of Rav Elchonon Wasserman Hy”d; indeed, the families were neighbors, which made them neighbors of Rav Mendel Kaplan’s family as well.

My brother, Reb Shimon Yosef Zeldes, was a talmid of Rav Mendel in Philadelphia Yeshiva, and he remembers well his rebbi’s warm but unconventional and iconoclastic manner. At the end of his first day in the shiur, Rav Mendel called my brother over. He was quaking in fear.

But Rav Mendel simply asked him to go for a walk with him, and related that Rav Elchonon would save empty “shveblech kestlach,” matchboxes to give my father as toys. True to his warm and caring personality, Rav Mendel simply wanted to establish a quick kesher with his new talmid.

The second reason I am driven to write is as follows: I teach Jewish history, and over the years I have listened to many of Rabbi Berel Wein’s history tapes, especially the weekly shiurim recorded in the 1980s when he lived in Monsey. Rav Mendel Kaplan was Rabbi Wein’s rebbi in Chicago in the late 1940s, and I am particularly drawn to an outstanding quotation (among many others) that Rabbi Wein attributes to his rebbi.

Rav Mendel used to say that the whole aim and purpose of being a Yid is that your grandfather should recognize you, and your grandson should recognize you. I always begin my new class with this profound quote, and watch as my students mull it over until they understand this unique way of expressing the vital importance of our beautiful mesorah being handed down intact from generation to generation.

Lastly, a small technicality: I believe the statement that Baranovich had a Jewish population of 25,000 out of a total of 30,000 inhabitants — a majority of 83 percent — to be somewhat exaggerated. The sources I found estimated the Jewish population to be 9,000, increasing to 12,000 with the influx of refugees from Nazi-occupied Poland.

(Dr.) Shoshana Perl, London, UK

The Cost of Competition [TLC Talks]

I’ve been thoroughly enjoying The Learning Curve podcast, and a recent episode discussing spelling bees and school contests especially resonated with me. Rabbi Garfield expressed strong concerns that the drawbacks of such competitions often outweigh their benefits — a sentiment I wholeheartedly share.

I was particularly moved by a recent article highlighting Rav Mendel Kaplan’s perspective on the matter. In response to someone who created school contests for the Board of Jewish Education, he poignantly remarked, “A weak boy not only has to work harder, he has to feel bad for not succeeding.” His insight led to the discontinuation of such competitions.

Rabbi Kaplan also opposed publicly awarding high achievers at graduation ceremonies, believing that “they don’t need the encouragement — it is the weaker ones who do.”

Both Rabbi Garfield and Rabbi Kaplan demonstrate a deep love and concern for all students, especially those who struggle. Their compassionate approach to education is both inspiring and worth serious consideration.

E.G.

Last-Minute Hosting Is Stressful [All Roads Lead to KJ / Issue 1063]

I found the article about Kiryas Joel to be an insightful read. However, one thing really disturbed me when reading the piece and that was the imposition the bochurim placed on the good people of Kiryas Joel.

We live in Yerushalayim and we often host guests and bochurim; but I would like to clarify something. There are many divorcées, older singles, and baalei teshuvah who without the kindness of the community would be on their own for Shabbos. Yeshivah bochurim do not fit into that category. There is no reason for them to impose themselves at the last minute on their hosts.

Hosting at the last minute is a lot more stressful than when the host is prepared in advance. When there is a last-minute request to host, the host feels a lot more pressure to agree, because they assume there is a good reason they are being asked so last-minute.

Did it occur to any of these bochurim to buy a candy platter or a cake for the families who managed to squeeze them into their apartments at the last minute? Hostess gifts can be cheap, but they still show a certain respect and appreciation.

I think it’s the responsibility of all parents to teach their children how to be respectful guests.

T.G., Yerushalayim

Don’t Rely on Chesed [All Roads Lead to KJ / Issue 1063]

The article about KJ was a fascinating read for me, a native Monsey girl who knew nothing about the nearby town! But the underlying attitude left me very bothered. Just because people live in a place that’s a convenient vacation spot for you, and excel at hachnassas orchim, that makes it okay for you to inconvenience them?

Personally, as someone in a position to host, I have said yes to extremely last-minute guests (both for sleeping and meals), during crazy times of my life, and I love that I can do so. Still, I’d like to tell these bochurim: Your need for a break and lack of planning isn’t the KJ community’s problem.

If they make it their problem and welcome you with open arms, massive kol hakavod! (And maybe they should stretch themselves. Chesed is a value, without question.) But to the bochurim (and their parents), I say: It’s not right to arrive in a town with having arranged a place to sleep. It’s not right to put people in the uncomfortable position of having to say no, knowing they’re leaving you stranded. It’s not right to inconvenience families to wash linen/make beds/prep space/stretch food/cram cooking at the last minute. Your Shabbos plans are your responsibility. (Their chesed cheshbonos are their own, and kol hakavod that they step up to the plate.)

A hostess with a lot to learn from the KJ tzidkaniyos

The Letter of the Law [Scroll Up / Issue 1063]

Thank you for your article describing the research done by Rabbi Strauss regarding the type of ksav used in older sifrei Torah.

Although the article does include some references to modern poskim who have approved of today’s type of ksav, I am still concerned that readers were left thinking that what we have today is maybe not as good as the ksav of hundreds of years ago.

I think the following two important thoughts should be considered.

1. Just as the article relates that over many centuries, sofrim may have made some various changes in the ksav to supposedly fix some problems, the same could be said for the 1,000 years before the current millennium. Maybe the changes could be taken back to the times of the Tannaim and Amoraim. Who says the “authentic style of the 1400s” was actually authentic?
2. If the Chofetz Chaim and the Chazon Ish both felt that Ksivah Tama was a reliable source, then clearly it is min haShamayim. Hashem would never allow such a “mistake” to emanate from such gedolim.

If so, we can certainly rely on them and on today’s poskim, led by Rav Elyashiv. To do otherwise would cast doubt on every psak and eradicate our mesorah of emunas chachamim.

Eleazar Durden

Sofer Stam, musmach of Vaad Mishmeres Stam

Night Well Spent [Up All Night / Issue 1063]

Your article on women who spent all night awake prompted me to share my own reflections on the nights I spend awake.

I may have been closing your bubby’s eyes after she took her last breath.

I may have been comforting your bochur who was freaking out after smoking his first joint, or matter-of-factly cleaning up after your alcoholic husband checks himself in to “dry out” for the ninth time.

I might be holding your hand and gently encouraging your six-year-old self not to cry while taking continuous nebs for status asthmaticus.

In the emergency room, I may be doing a billion different things, and in each case I’m up all night to help you, to be there for you.

Sometimes it’s something very important like explaining a complex medical procedure in simple words or in Yiddish, sometimes it’s something like stapling two tourniquets to a washcloth to create a makeshift koppel.

In every single case, I am there to ease the pain of the patient and the pain of the family. If I have succeeded in doing that, even a little bit, then when I walk through the doors of the ambulance bay at 7 a.m., I consider it a wakeful night well-spent.

Name Withheld

Vital Validation [Up All Night / Issue 1063]

It was with great interest that I read about the woman who learned to find calm and safety within a chaotic relationship with her very unwell sister.

Unfortunately, I can relate (pun intended) to that all too well. Thankfully, the phenomenon of dysfunction and toxic blood relatives is something that has started to see the light of day on these pages. Sadly, many of us find it very validating. Some can argue that it’s unnecessary sharing, but those of us who live and breathe this ceaseless pain know it’s vital to talk about this so that situations like these can be corrected and not tolerated, with no judgmental stigma attached to those who try to help. For that to happen, seeing it in the written word on Mishpacha’s pages is crucial.

Thank you for taking the time to listen to the voice of those whose have been forced into quiet.

Name Withheld

Hungry for Approval [Double Take – All Who Are Hungry / Issue 1063]

While everyone in this story had good intentions, the real responsibility falls on the parents. They knew their youngest son was hosting his first-ever Shavuos day meal, that it was a big moment for him, and they also knew there was a heavy kiddush planned beforehand. As the central figures in the family, they could have paced themselves and saved room, both physically and emotionally, to fully honor his effort. Their choice to indulge at the kiddush left them too tired and full to appreciate the meal he worked so hard on. Sometimes, parents have to set the tone, and in this case, they missed an opportunity to make their son feel seen and valued.

Anonymous

Hoping for a Reframe [Double Take]

Firstly, thank you for all your work; producing a kosher magazine with incredible content is a true shlichus.

I’m writing in reference to the Double Take column. While I appreciate its purpose, I find it rather negative and that it leaves a bad taste. The focus to seems to be on how right each person feels, rather than being mature and understanding other people’s perspectives.

In this generation, with so many Yidden suffering, we desperately need more light and positivity in the world.

Perhaps the column can be framed in a way that will bring out how people can make better choices, modeling how we can be flexible, happy for others, and dan l’chaf zechus.

Hindy

Supported and Adulting [Inbox / Issue 1062]

I’d like to offer to respond to the recent inbox letters in support of couples making it without parental support.

Independence is wonderful. So is parental support!

Financial stress can take a major emotional toll. Sometimes, parental support can, too.

Nothing in life is black-and-white, and support can be a wonderful thing — enabling a couple to do great things they wouldn’t otherwise be able to.

To those of you being supported, don’t assume your marriage is in trouble and your kids are doomed. Your paycheck coming from Tatty instead of a boss doesn’t make you less-than.

Support can take many shapes and forms. Personally, our parental support has always been partial (so we still had to work plenty hard for a chunk of our income) and not put toward specific expenses (Daddy doesn’t simply cover our rent, so we still have tough conversations — Should we upgrade to a larger apartment? Can we fly home or should we make Yom Tov? — and serious budgeting meetings.)

Of course, it helps to have parents who are incredibly supportive (in every sense of the word) giving the assistance. They have fostered in us a true sense of independence and maturity so we can take ownership of our lives as the adults that we are.

Name Withheld

Too Good to Be True? [Inbox / Issue 1062]

I’d like to turn to the letter writers who’ve written in support of couples making it independently. As a kollel wife desperately trying to do the same, I ask: What are you sacrificing?

It’s becoming more and more clear that in order to keep my husband in kollel long-term (while paying three tuitions plus) we’ll have to make more and more serious sacrifices.

We love that we’ve been able to do this until now. But we’ve already cut most extras and comforts, stretched ourselves thin for more income opportunities, and seem to be running out of ways to make this work.

We can choose to move out of town, which would mean living very far from all our family (not one relative on either side lives OOT), and would entail a values-based loss, not just a comfort one I can choose to work more-than-full time and my kids will wind up spending most of their time with someone other than their mother.

Can it be as idyllic as you make it sound?

Name Withheld

Guide Your Girls [Screenshot / Issue 1060]

I was quite surprised and perplexed reading about girls becoming “unmoored” and “unstructured” in the years following seminary until they marry. I thought long and hard about why this has not been my experience with our eight daughters, kein ayin hara. This is what I came up with.

When our girls came home from seminary, they were encouraged to think about what their future lifestyle would be and what they needed to do to get there. They were encouraged to get an education in a profession they felt they were suited for and to do it together with like-minded friends.

Many of them attended Touro College or TTI programs together with a frum chevreh, but two of them went to Catholic nursing schools! They were so busy with academics during the week and socializing with friends over the weekend that they had no time or headspace to become “unmoored.” They began going out a year after returning from seminary and got married anywhere from the age of 20 to 25... still busy with academics, jobs, good friends, solid future goals in mind.

Since we do send our girls to college for degrees, I can only speak about that “mehalech” of dealing with this potential problem. I must say that not only did my daughters not lose ground doing this, but they strengthened themselves in ways that they couldn’t have in seminary. One example is a daughter who had to wear an insignia with a cross on her uniform jacket in Catholic nursing school. She asked my husband what to do and he told her that nowadays, a cross is not considered avodah zarah. A few days later, I saw that the insignia was missing from her jacket. I reminded her that her father had said it was not a problem and she replied, “I know, but I just can’t daven Minchah wearing a cross, so I took it off.”

My daughters organized a Shabbos afternoon shiur in Sichos Mussar at the home of a former high school teacher. Another daughter mentored teens at risk, delivered meals for Tomchei Shabbos... and the list goes on. I would encourage parents to make sure that their daughters are very busy working toward goals, have structured activities with good friends and become involved in chesed activities in their community.

One more suggestion: Girls who sleep, eat, and schmooze all Shabbos long have lost a powerful anchor in their lives. Please try to get your girls to start going to shul on Shabbos from a young age so they will continue doing so later on when they desperately need it for their spiritual “mooring.”

Wishing all the wonderful young ladies who come home from seminary a continuously fulfilling life that will make you, your parents, and Hashem very happy.

Mrs. B. Willig

Kew Gardens

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1065)