Dealing with “the single years” may be necessary regardless of which path one chooses

No Contradiction [Inbox / Issue 1061]

I strongly disagree with Mrs. T.S., who wrote that it’s a contradiction to believe that every month a post-sem girl is unmarried is risky, while also maintaining that girls gain from having time after seminary to mature, settle down, and learn greater responsibility. Of course both of these can be true!

A young woman who is single post-seminary is at a very unique stage of life. On the one hand, she may find that time allows her to solidify and practically apply the Torah she learned, so that she is better prepared to be a strong, supportive wife, and an educated mother. At the same time, this tekufah is essentially a transitional period, filled with choices she has never faced before. The question of where she’ll be next year — or even next week — is not as easily answered as it once was, and without some level of stability, she can falter.

It’s also hard to build a supportive social network when your schedule is hectic with work or school or both, and friends are getting married left and right. Not every girl is going home from seminary to an ideal situation, and even those who are may find that home life poses new questions in their post-seminary state. The stresses and influences of school and work can challenge a young woman both emotionally and in her ruchniyus. Outside the stability marriage offers, where a husband will (hopefully) help establish a strong and consistent religious framework, she may feel confused about her priorities and goals.

This does not mean a girl who is struggling comes from a bad home, or that, as Mrs. T.S. suggests, the seminaries do a poor job of chinuch. The reality is that at any stage, a person must be mechazek themselves if they don’t want to fall — but the danger of the single years is so great because very little effort may be put into finding that chizuk.

The two statements above are both true because all of the above situations can either build a young woman or break her. But the truth is, the answer to the question of when a girl enters shidduchim will hardly decide when she gets married. So dealing with “the single years” may be necessary regardless of which path one chooses.

The solution? While every young woman and her parents will have to decide what’s best for her particular situation in terms of when to start dating, those who wait (or have simply not yet found their bashert) should consider pursuing a means of strengthening their ruchniyus, perhaps through joining a network that involves learning with like-minded friends.

One program that meets this need is LinkUp Nook, established by Mrs. Faigie Zelcer, an incredible mechaneches from Montreal who founded the umbrella organization Penimi. Small groups of single girls meet in vaad-style groups with a vetted facilitator to learn a curriculum that addresses the unique issues and situations young single women face. Workplace culture, shifting relationships, shidduchim, technology, and emunah are just some of the topics covered. Baruch Hashem, I have been zocheh to be part of Penimi for over a year (in their LinkUp Eretz Yisrael branch for married women), and the programs are seeing so much hatzlachah.

Wishing that everyone find their spouse at the right time, and continue making the most of their journey at whatever stage they find themselves.

Mindel Kassorla

His Memory Lives On [For the Record / Issue 1060]

I was gratified to read the piece by Yehuda Geberer and Dovi Safier about the life of Colonel David (Mickey) Marcus Hashem yikom damo. As I child, I spent a lot of enjoyable time in the playground that bears his name, though I knew very little about him then. It’s a popular, large playground in the heart of frum Flatbush and still very much in use today. One entrance is on Ocean Parkway near Avenue P; the park extends more than two blocks along adjacent streets.

Yehuda and Dovi, keep up the great work!

Moshe Benoliel

Far Rockaway, NY

Impactful Suggestion [Inbox / Issue 1059]

The suggestion from the single young woman about jumpstarting more shidduchim is nothing short of brilliant. She proposed that when a shidduch doesn’t work out, each party should consider suggesting someone they know who might be a good match for the person they dated.

We’ve seen this idea come to life in our own family — three times. One of my daughters dated a boy for a few weeks, and when it didn’t work out, he was adamant that his friend would be the perfect match for her. He was absolutely right. Another daughter and son had similar experiences — after their respective dates ended, they each recommended someone else for their former date. Baruch Hashem, all of them are now happily married.

While the new shidduch initiative focuses on younger singles, this idea has the power to impact every age group.

So to the shadchanim: After saying a match isn’t shayach, before you hang up, please encourage both sides to think of someone else who might be the right one.

And to all the singles out there — your effort could be the key to someone else’s simchah, as well as your own.

R.Z.W.

Montreal, Quebec

Grassroots Effort [Sea Change / Issue 1054]

It’s clear that as a community we are taking measures to help our singles. But what can we do as individuals? I am not a professional shadchan, but I have been trying my best to be involved in shidduchim for 25 years, since I got engaged.

Right after our marriage, my husband and I started a Zivug Campaign as a zechus for one of my friends to find her bashert. For a number of years, we would send out weekly emails, starting three weeks before Tu B’Av, encouraging other young couples to get involved.

Often, we are so busy that we may forget our friends and family out there who are still searching for their marriage partners.

Some ideas:

1. Make lists of all the single men and women you know and see if any of them could potentially match up, and call a friend and compare lists.
2. Choose one single friend or family member and try to make a few calls to shadchanim or other contacts on their behalf.
3. Think of the people you dated in the past who are still single and if anyone you know may be appropriate for them.

While the official Zivug Campaign is a thing of the past, we are still trying our best to make shidduchim and hope this letter will encourage other regular people like us to get involved, too!

The Retired Zivug Campaign Team

NOTE: It has come to our attention that entire pesukim appear on p.158 of the May 28/1 Sivan edition [Issue 1063]. This page should preferably be placed in genizah. We apologize for the oversight.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1064)