“It would mean a lot to singles if we could find other topics to hash about in the magazines”

In Support of Independent Living [Inbox / Issue 1062]

Thank you to the writer of the inbox letter “It Can Be Done,” for offering a message of hope to girls who want to marry a boy who will learn in kollel, even though their parents can’t provide support. Her voice should be amplified many times over.

I, too, chose (or perhaps was fortunate to be chosen by) this path many years ago and continue to see the brachos that have blossomed from this choice in my marriage, family, and in my psychological wellbeing.

I’d like to join the letter writer in saying that it is certainly possible to live a kollel life without the expectation of full parental financing. It requires a certain depth of character, open perspective, willingness to work very hard, and very strong marriage skills (which may actually be stronger when the financial structure of the marriage is not dependent on parental support). While there are real challenges — as there are in every lifestyle — the accountability and responsibility in living this life leads to purpose-driven living on so many levels.

Interestingly, the kollel community that my husband and I joined when we first got married, where there was no expectation of parental support whatsoever, was also a community in which no girls were asked to send shidduch pictures, and no boy’s family ever asked for guarantees or specific amounts of support before accepting a date. The marriages in this community were exceptionally strong.

To those seminary girls out there who want to marry a kollel boy and whose parents can’t or won’t provide the astronomical sums that shadchanim, boys, or their mothers are demanding: Don’t fret. Open your eyes and expand your perspectives. Look for boys and families who believe that Torah is accessible to all, even without the promise of support. If you look hard enough, you’ll find them. These families don’t make noise or take out large advertisements in frum publications; they live quiet, modest lives with many non-materialistic brachos.

(A side benefit of this kind of lifestyle is that your children grow up seeing parents who are happy and confident in their decision to accept responsibility and accountability for married life and don’t live with entitlement and expectations. Those lessons benefit children socially, academically, psychologically, and in so many other ways.)

A Reader

Pivot Toward the Chassidim [Inbox / Issue 1062]

I read the letter proposing that the yeshivish community adopt some of the shidduch practices of the chassidish community, and I have to agree that their system makes so much more sense.

The idea of meeting three times, in a house, and dropping the mega proposals, all seem like excellent suggestions.

MB

The Goal Is the Relationship [As They Grow / Issue 1062]

Rabbi Greenwald beautifully compares the seminary year to Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, describing these times as “intense and demanding” with “potent opportunities for teshuvah and growth.” His insight that the Torah doesn’t expect us to maintain that heightened spiritual level year-round, while hoping the clarity gained will guide us forward, resonates deeply.

As we approach Shavuos, I’m reminded of the powerful teaching Kudsha Brich Hu, v’Oraisa, v’Yisrael chad hu — Hashem, the Torah, and the Jewish People are one. The Torah represents Hashem’s greatest gift to us.

What strikes me about the Torah is that while it’s infinitely holy, it’s also remarkably practical. Those who study it deeply discover guidance for every life situation. Our mandate is “V’chai bahem” — to live by these words.

When Rabbi Greenwald writes that “the Torah doesn’t expect people...” I believe he’s expressing Hashem’s understanding of our human nature. After all, Lo nitnah Torah l’malachei hashareis — the Torah wasn’t given to angels, but to us, real people chosen by Hashem Himself.

The Yamim Noraim that Rabbi Greenwald mentions truly are times for teshuvah and growth. The beautiful words “ani l’Dodi v’Dodi li — I am to my Beloved and my Beloved is to me” — which Chazal connect to Elul, remind us that the basis of our growth is ultimately about our relationship with Hashem.

This brings me to reflect on the seminary experience and what we hope our daughters will gain from it. When I consider educational approaches that seem to focus less on developing that personal relationship with Hashem, and more on purely academic foundations, I wonder about the goals we’re setting.

I believe the heart of seminary should be about v’ani kirvas Elokim li tov — making that relationship with Hashem real and tangible in our daughters’ lives. When the focus shifts too heavily toward academic or ideological pursuits without this spiritual foundation, I worry we may be missing the most essential element.

Perhaps this is why some gedolim have suggested that girls take time after seminary before entering shidduchim — to integrate and internalize their experiences in a more personal way.

For parents navigating these waters, I offer these thoughts with warmth and understanding:

First, remember that your daughter will, with Hashem’s help, find her bashert soon. He may have slightly different approaches or emphases than your family, and that’s perfectly natural and healthy. Growth and slight variations in perspective are part of maturity.

Second, it’s worth reflecting on this before selecting seminary programs. Each institution has its own approach and philosophy — understanding these beforehand can help ensure alignment with our family’s values and goals.

Most importantly, I’d encourage supporting your daughter in finding a mentor — whether a teacher, relative, or other trusted figure — with whom she feels comfortable discussing any questions or confusion that may arise. This relationship doesn’t need to come from within the seminary itself, but having that guidance can be invaluable.

I want to emphasize that I deeply believe in the transformative power of Eretz Yisrael. Avirah d’Eretz Yisrael machkim — the very air of the Land makes one wise. Both young men and women who spend time truly connecting with what Eretz Yisrael and Yerushalayim become better spouses and contributing members of our community.

My hope is simply that our educational institutions maintain their focus on nurturing that personal, intimate relationship with Hashem — ensuring that Judaism remains a living, breathing connection rather than merely an academic subject to be mastered.

May our daughters return from their year of growth with hearts opened wide to Hashem’s love and wisdom, carrying that light with them throughout their lives.

Tzvi L.

Judging by the Cover [Comeback Cuomo? / Issue 1062]

I was disappointed in Mishpacha’s choice to put former New York governor Andrew Cuomo’s photo on the cover of its most recent magazine. I choose to only bring Jewish magazines into my home, so when my family sees the magazine in our home, I can be secure in knowing that they will see cover stories about gedolim and tzaddikim. To put someone on the cover of your magazine is according them a level of honor and glory.

Governor Andrew Cuomo, who resigned in disgrace, definitely does not deserve that level of honor from your magazine. When I see this picture, I am reminded of his hubris, which resulted in many more Covid deaths than necessary due to his poor choices during the pandemic. Please be more sensitive when selecting cover stories in the future.

Liz Rothstein

Baltimore, Maryland

Jews Don’t Pay to Pray [Second Thoughts / Issue 1062]

I’d like to expand on Rabbi Feldman’s powerful column on the practice of “pay to pray.”

We have close friends here in Israel whose family spent 20 years as part of Rabbi Feldman’s kehillah in Atlanta beginning in the 1960s. Over the years, all their children came to learn in Eretz Yisrael and went on to build beautiful Torah homes. When the parents retired, they made aliyah and settled near their children, and are blessed with children and grandchildren who are true ovdei Hashem.

At the shivah for the father, I asked the family matriarch a simple question: How were you zocheh to such a family?

She told me the following story:

“My husband was a Holocaust survivor who ended up in the American South. I grew up in a traditional but nonobservant home. When we met and married, we weren’t yet shomrei Torah u’mitzvos, but when the Yamim Noraim came around, we wanted to attend synagogue services. We went to the local non-Orthodox synagogue and inquired about joining the services. They promptly told us what the seats would cost.

“We didn’t have a penny to our names, so we asked if there was any way they could give us a discount.

“They looked at us and said, ‘Charity? Go to Feldman. They give charity.’

“So we went to Rabbi Feldman’s fledgling shul. And we never left.

“That’s why I was zocheh to the family I have today.”

We don’t pay to pray.

This should be a zechus for Leah Malka bas Yetta.

Zave Rudman

Yerushalayim

Model to Aspire To [Guestlines / Issue 1061]

As usual, Rav Aaron Lopiansky’s gem of an article was levelheaded, authentic, and — it goes without saying — Torah-true. He does not write anything to fit with any one group or another. He does not have an agenda to be yeshivish or modern, kana-ish or conciliatory. He respectfully communicates the emes as he sees it. In other words, his piece on the intersection of emes and shalom embodied the very message contained within. If only this was the rule and not the exception for Klal Yisrael....

There is one point I’d like to add. When Rav Lopianksy cites the example of Beis Hillel and Beis Shammai’s disputes about kashrus and mamzeirus, he writes, “How did they establish this peace? …[B]y communicating clearly with each other, informing each other of what was permissible for the other to eat and whom they were permitted to marry.”

In addition to communicating clearly, it is crucial to note that Hillel and Shammai’s followers did not get offended or have the typical and predictably huffy, knee-jerk reactions of, “How dare they imply my kashrus/yichus is not good!” that many people today would surely have.

How to communicate a disagreement is step one. Step two is how (not) to react when others adopt a different standard — even one that suggests ours is less-than-perfect.

Hoping, for Klal Yisrael’s sake, that we can all aspire to this model.

Yissachar Dov

Chicago, IL

In Protest of Chavrusa-Dropping [Double Take — Dream Team / Issue 1061]

I usually can relate to both sides of a Double Take, but in this case, as someone who learned in yeshivah for many years myself, I think there really is no question as to who is right. The bochur who simply dropped his chavrusa mid-zeman with no warning is definitely wrong. Unless the situation is terribly drastic, there is no reason to leave somebody with no chavrusa, especially without prior notice. Moishy should have stuck it out until he could find a way to make it work for both of them, or perhaps helped to arrange another chavrusa for Akiva before he dropped him. Leaving someone with no chavrusa in the middle of the zeman is not something to take lightly.

A Philly Talmid

Our Growth Is Real [Screenshot / Issue 1060]

I’m a single girl in my late twenties and I want to respond to the recent discussions on these pages about singles being at risk for dropping their levels of ruchniyus. I want you to know that I’m considered a normal, mainstream Bais Yaakov girl. Not intense, just a solid, good, put-together girl. Do you know that I have so many amazing, good, refined friends who have been single for at least ten years? I make it my business to find and hang around likeminded good girls who work on their Yiddishkeit, and there are so many of them around!

We might grow in our careers, dress well, and become more sophisticated, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t still tzniyus, daven daily and spend some of our free time doing chesed. We stay connected by flying to kevarim together, going to speeches, volunteering together, and most importantly, through our emunah in Hashem during the difficulties of this stage.

I think singles are among the strongest and closest people to Hashem. You know how much emunah we need to draw upon when we watch our younger siblings get married before us? Seeing our younger sibling fitting in with the rest of our married siblings, sharing their baby’s latest antics, while we sit on the couch quietly… Watching our family dote over their babies while nobody asks us about our life… Seeing our friends buy houses and drive minivans full of children… Through this pain, we search within ourselves and find ways to keep going. Yes, I’m sure there are those who fall, but I don’t think it’s the majority when it comes to girls. Look around at the girls in your neighborhood, shuls, etc. and you will find the most amazing girls around.

The truth is, in some ways, I’m more solid now than I was when I first came home from seminary. That post-seminary spiritual high isn’t real, and sometimes people fall flat and land hard once they get married. It’s not like people don’t evolve or change after they get married either, and may then lessen their ruchniyus standards. It’s a hard world out there, and it’s a struggle for everyone, single or married. Of course, we all wish to marry young, but had I gotten married at 20, I don’t know if I would have reached this level of realness about life and figured out how to stay connected through the big bumps in life.

On another note, it would mean a lot to singles if we could find other topics to hash about in the magazines. It doesn’t feel good to be a sensationalized topic across all the magazines, both in the articles and in the Inbox section. We don’t broadcast about why men lose their jobs and what might be the reasons that cause people to experience infertility. Somehow, when it comes to singles, it has become the norm to analyze why singles need dating coaching, discuss how boys’ mothers are picky, offer opinions on shidduch pictures, debate if girls should wait a year after seminary or not, and wonder if a single without support wants a learning boy.

Just some good food for thought… now back to the popcorn!

Name Withheld

The Family First Shavuos issue, which features an op-ed about teenage driving, closed for print before the terrible events in Lakewood on Erev Shabbos. We join Klal Yisrael in mourning this terrible tragedy, and hope for besuros tovos.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1063)