"I don’t usually write in to magazines, but a letter in this past week’s issue sent me heading to the computer kiosk to reply"

Fight the Good Fight [Inbox / Issue 1060]

I don’t usually write in to magazines, but a letter in this past week’s issue, titled “Go Where You Are Wanted,” sent me heading to the computer kiosk to reply. The letter writer opined that rather than pursuing legal action against its neighbors, the Jewish community in Linden should just relocate.

Why? Because the community under discussion consists of chassidim? The communities in both in Toms River and Jackson faced similar opposition, as did many communities across America when trying to set up the infrastructure for a frum community, such as an eiruv. Yidden have as much right to be there as any other citizens.

Rivka Goldstein

Faith and Fear [Guestlines / Issue 1060]

Rabbi Kerzner’s recent article on bitachon was off the charts — fabulously written, clearly sourced, and deeply clarifying. But to be honest, it also left me somewhat disturbed — not because it was wrong, but because it forced me to confront and rethink a premise I grew up with.

Like many others, I was taught — both in Bais Yaakov and in seminary — that a person with bitachon does not feel fear. The presence of fear was taught as an automatic indicator of a flaw in trust. I accepted that definition unquestioningly for years.

But Rabbi Kerzner, citing the Chazon Ish, wrote that bitachon doesn’t mean confidence that everything will turn out the way we hope. It means confidence that Hashem is in charge — that He is calling the shots in every detail of our lives, even the painful ones. Within that framework, he explained that fear is not inherently a contradiction to bitachon. And suddenly, everything clicked.

It’s not that the earlier sources I learned were disagreeing — it’s that perhaps we misunderstood what pachad really meant. When the early Rishonim speak of pachad as a contradiction to bitachon, they may well be referring to pachad in the sense of panic, of losing oneself to emotional chaos or excessive worry. Fear, in its measured, human form — the awareness that things are uncertain and the stakes are high — is not the enemy. Panic is.

Oversimplifying bitachon into a binary of “no fear = good Jew” and “fear = spiritual failure” may unintentionally lead sincere ovdei Hashem to feelings of guilt and confusion, especially in times of genuine emotional pain. Instead, we can begin to frame bitachon as the anchor that holds us steady even as we feel fear — not the denial of fear itself.

Rochel Gross

Not So Unmoored [Screenshot / Issue 1060]

Shoshana Friedman should show the letter from Issue 1058 called “Give Girls Time,” to the woman she wrote about in her column called “While We Wait,” where she describes her discussion about the “shidduch gap year” with a “woman deeply involved in supporting this demographic.” She relates that the woman told her that her instinctive reaction to the initiative was “Don’t. Every month that a young seminary graduate remains unmoored is risky.”

In contrast, the girl who wrote the Inbox letter in support of giving girls time after seminary before starting shidduchim feels that “once the girls leave seminary, they become more mature, settle down, and have time to think about marriage… they take on real responsibilities, find out who they really are… get their life on track….”

These two opinions contradict each other, and can’t both be true. The woman Shoshana Friedman spoke to seems to have an extremely low opinion of the chinuch our girls are receiving, and a low opinion of the parents the girls are going home to. She clearly thinks that the chinuch the girls received from their schooling and from their parents is so short-lasting and shaky, that each month out of seminary is risky. The girl who wrote the letter has a high opinion of our chinuch system, and feels that once the girls leave school, the chinuch stays with them, and helps them grow and become better.

For sure there may be some girls who are at risk when they are “unmoored.” There always will be a minority of girls who have certain issues, difficulties, or challenges in their lives (although those girls were probably unmoored before and during their year in seminary as well), but the majority of our girls are good girls from healthy homes, and fit into the category the letter writer described.

Most mothers agree with the letter writer. Their daughters take what they learned in seminary and use it to grow, mature and stabilize themselves. Most mothers of boys say their sons do not want girls coming off an artificial high; the boys prefer the girls a year older. The “marry them off young and dumb” option works for some people, but most people find it the riskier option, and many parents choose to let their daughters wait.

The woman Shoshana Friedman was speaking to is not being helpful by throwing cold water on an initiative that b’ezras Hashem can help our girls avoid the terrible situation going on today. Her attitude is shortsighted and risky.

The risk-benefit analysis here seems like a no-brainer. Having the girls wait until Shavuos seems to be a smart option with many benefits and very little downside.

Mrs. T.S.

Miracles, Not Mikreh [Under Fire / Issue 1060]

I’m sure it was probably just a figure of speech, but I was very disturbed by a sentence in the article discussing the missile that landed in Ben Gurion Airport.

I quote: “The only stroke of luck: The missile struck a relatively open area, and not the crowded terminal or an aircraft on the runway. How could this happen? Israel’s multi-layered missile defense system is among the most advanced in the world.”

I know that the magazine has a fine line to toe in terms of staying relevant to a broader audience, but you could at least have given a nod to the possibility that it was Hashgachah pratis. For example, “The only stroke of luck, or show of Hashem’s watchful Eyes always upon Israel.…”

Baruch Hashem, we are living here with open displays of Hashem’s Hashgachah and we should never forget that! “Hashem tzilcha al yad yeminecha.” Experts said the fact that nothing happened the night 400 missiles were sent from Iran was an open miracle. If we think the protection we’re enjoying is natural, b’derech hateva, then chas v’shalom He might just leave us to our own devices….

Name Withheld

Impactful Suggestion [Inbox / Issue 1059]

The suggestion from the single young woman about jumpstarting more shidduchim is nothing short of brilliant! She proposed that when a shidduch doesn’t work out, each party should consider suggesting someone they know who might be a good match for the person they dated.

We’ve seen this idea come to life in our own family — three times! One of my daughters dated a boy for a few weeks, and when it didn’t work out, he was adamant that his friend would be the perfect match for her. He was absolutely right! Another daughter and son had similar experiences — after their respective dates ended, they each recommended someone else for their former date. Baruch Hashem, all of them are now happily married!

While the new shidduch initiative focuses on younger singles, this idea has the power to impact every age group.

So to the shadchanim: After saying a match isn’t shayach, before you hang up, please encourage both sides to think of someone else who might be the right one.

And to all the singles out there — your effort could be the key to someone else’s simchah, as well as your own!

With Hashem’s help, may this crisis be a thing of the past and may we see simchahs galore!

R.Z.W.
Montreal, Quebec

We Have You Covered [TLC Talks / Issue 1059]

A recent article mentioned the quandary of allowing children to read secular books. For the past 25 years, we have been compiling a list of over 5,000 secular children’s books, with comments and recommendations, so that parents can make their own decisions about what they offer their children. Additionally, we have extensive comments on “classics” that are frequently assigned in schools. The list is accessible on our website; for more information, reach out to Mishpacha.

As noted by the questioner in the article, the morality in children’s books has taken a deep dive in the last several years. Often there are series where the earlier books were fine, but the recent installments add inappropriate information. Alternately, a book can be basically acceptable but the author will throw in one character or interaction to be “yotzei” current liberal attitudes. Reading the inner flap summary is certainly insufficient to assess appropriateness.

We have found that there are close to zero secular books in the teen or adult category that are acceptable for frum children; therefore, the list primarily includes books for grades 8 and under. For some selected older age books, we offer page numbers so that parents can choose to purchase books and edit them (a controversial topic of personal preference that deserves a whole article on its own).

To avoid taking children to the library (where they will likely encounter problematic books), and to streamline the selection process for parents, we recommend that parents request books ahead of time (online, or consult your library to see if they take phone orders) and pick them up from their local library.

Avruch and S. Schwartz
Creators of Kosher Books

The Essence of Reb Shayale [Voice in the Crowd / Issue 1059]

I’m a very frequent traveler to Kerestir, and the 5th generation of my family to harbor a deep connection to Reb Shayale and his grandchildren.

I think Yisroel Besser, in both in his excellent translation of the sefer Mofes Hador and his subsequent articles, helps us understand what Reb Shayale was all about.

He was called the “Mofes Hador,” or the “Wonder Rebbe,” as he performed unbelievable yeshuos (loosely translated as miracles) for all those who came to him.

And that still continues to this day!

Go to Kerestir and ask people why they came, and they will share unbelievable stories of shidduchim, courts cases that were thrown out, children born, business deals salvaged, etc. This is what draws the tens of thousands who come to Kerestir for the yahrtzeit and throughout the year.

Reb Shayale also gave food to the multitudes of people who came for his famous Melaveh Malkahs and other occasions, and that tradition still continues to this day, perpetuated by his very dedicated eineklach!

By the way, it is families such as ours that sponsor and pay for it, so that people traveling so far have what to eat and where to rest.

I’m not exactly sure why anyone should be dreading the yahrtzeit?

Nothing compares to the tefillos and Tehillim coming from people of every stripe and color, from every place in the world, who come to be mispallel. Reb Shayale promised whoever will come to his kever will be helped and whoever helps his descendants to continue with his work will be gebentsht!

That’s the essence of Reb Shayale!

A 5th Generation chassid of Reb Shayale

Grave Chillul Hashem [Full House / Issue 1059]

I am an older man who is upset about the uncaring attitude of some of our people towards the impression we are making on non-Jews. Reading about the increasing popularity of visiting the gravesites of our ancestors, I also read about the increasingly negative impression we are leaving behind because of the lack of a basic, simple fact that all decent people know: We don’t leave the mess we made behind in someone else’s property. No one appreciates it from a guest in our homes, and neither do the neighbors appreciate it in their neighborhood. Those who arrange these trips should understand the responsibility to clean up after their group before it causes a chillul Hashem.

Swift

Informative Look into Eiruvin [Carry On / Issue 1057]

My daughter-in-law, 11-year-old granddaughter, and I all thoroughly enjoyed the story in the Pesach issue of Mishpacha about Rabbis Paretzky and Gore and their work on eiruvin. It’s an important issue for frum communities, as people can just blithely assume that everything is okay with the community eiruv. The article showed how much work goes into constructing a kosher eiruv and keeping it functioning, an issue many people may not be aware of.

Marcia Levinson

Sack the Support [Sea Change / Issue 1054]

I’d like to add a thought to the shidduch crisis discussion.

It’s wonderful that the torch of the shidduch crisis has been taken up by so many, and so many feel the need to get our children married. But I have thus far not seen one mention of one important factor, and that is the parents.

No one has mentioned how perhaps it’s the parent’s fault that their children are not getting married. There are parents demanding levels of support that make no sense. How is someone who is barely making ends meet supposed to support a few children close in age? When a shidduch is suggested, one of the first things that are asked is, how much can you give for support? What if the answer is zero? Then, yep, you got it, that child, boy or girl (probably more so the girls), will not be having a date for quite a while. How is that helping the shidduch crisis?

Parents work so hard to make it on a daily basis, but are then expected to spend astronomical amounts for a wedding, and then double their salary in order to support newly married couples!! If anything, we should be letting them start on their own with periodic help whenever possible, and then give them support later on in life, when they really need it! I’ve heard of parents who have had to mortgage their homes in order to keep on supporting their children. Look no further than the Mishpacha serial To Rock the Cradle! I have a feeling that’s not far from reality for many people! Girls are being offered dates only if they can provide support.

I think our priorities have gotten a little skewed. Of course we want our boys to be learning for as long as possible, but we also have to be realistic and know that it’s not possible for most people to continue living this way.

Let’s follow what our rabbanim say with regard to age, but add in one caveat: No support needed until five years after marriage. The young couple should be able to manage the first few years on their own. This will give parents a chance to plan for support, and for parents that are able, to put aside money to give the young couple after five years.

Maybe — hopefully — in this way more of our children will be dating and finding their zivug more quickly and with less stress.

Name Withheld

 (Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1061)