"The idea that boys are inherently too immature to get married a year earlier is ridiculous"

They’ll Rise to the Occasion [Inbox / Issue 1059]

The idea that boys are inherently too immature to get married a year earlier is ridiculous. Everyone matures when life demands it of them. As long as a person remains in dependent mode there is little need for them to grow up. If bochurim would know they’ll soon be in shidduchim, or once some of their friends get engaged, they will mature earlier.

Name Withheld

A Note of Thanks [Inbox / Issue 1059]

The letter “Raise the Bar for Boys” brought up very important issues regarding our boys’ responsibilities or lack thereof. In that light, reflecting back on the bein hazmanim we just spent with our boys, home from mainstream, high-level yeshivos, we’d like to offer another perspective.

Their various yeshivos gave over a very important message, some explicitly and some implicitly, and the boys internalized it. While they had time to have fun and get together with family and friends, they also happily provided real help at home, both before and during Yom Tov, got to minyanim on time, and made serious time for learning.

Thank you, and ashreichem, to the yeshivos that conveyed these important lessons.

Grateful Parents

Make the Tzaddik Proud [Voice in the Crowd / Issue 1059]

Thank you Yisroel Besser for such a compelling article! I read it with much relief. Finally, someone is saying something sensible!

Every year, as the yahrtzeit of Reb Shayale Kerestirer approaches, I’m filled with dread again at the ridiculous things people do in the name of the yahrtzeit, while professing to be fulfilling a mitzvah. I have yet to hear how eating excess amounts of food elevates a tzaddik’s neshamah. Making brachos, sure, but not this excess consumption.

For those who are looking to do what Reb Shayale would have wanted, how about paying out someone’s outstanding grocery bill so a fellow Yiddishe mishpachah can continue feeding themselves with dignity? How about taking in a guest? Or sponsoring someone else’s guest suite for a day? This is what Reb Shayale did! He took in every type of guest, including those who weren’t very pleasant! Nobody left hungry! Go to the grocery and make sure nobody stays hungry!

I know there are some people who do that, I just wish that it would be more of a standard way to honor Reb Shayale instead of just overeating.

In the zechus of honoring the tzaddik in a way that would do him proud, may you be blessed with everything you need and more.

A Grandchild of Reb Shayale (in the name of many of his grandchildren)

Sisters in Pain [Inbox / Issue 1058]

As a single girl still waiting for her yeshuah, the letter from a woman going through infertility who recognized the pain of singles gave me a lot of chizuk and validation that I appreciate so much. I am so inspired by the way she is using her own painful challenge to recognize others’ pain, and I’m blown away by the way she understood our challenge so clearly, especially the silent ache of loneliness — the hardest, yet often overlooked part of being an older single.

I would love to be able to daven for her and would appreciate if Mishpacha would be able to be in touch with her and offer to pass on her names for my tefillos.

Chani G.
UK

Unifying Message [Guestlines / Issue 1058]

Thank you once again for the beautiful article by Rabbi Kerzner. His message is exactly the kind of positive outlook on Klal Yisrael that we should be teaching our children.

In a world where so many are busy promoting their own perspective as the only “right” way — and viewing anyone who looks or thinks differently as being completely “off the path” — Rabbi Kerzner’s brilliant explanation of the shaar hakollel reminds us of the true opportunity of our times. Now is the perfect moment to come together, to recognize the value in every Yid, and to learn something from everyone — even from those who may look or live very differently from us.

I spoke today with all nine of my children — each one so uniquely different, each totally on their own path — and had them read this article! It resonated deeply with all of us.

Thank you again for sharing such an uplifting and unifying message.

Stern

Go Where You’re Wanted [The Current / Issue 1058]

I know I’m the minority opinion here, but my first response to the whole controversy in Linden was then why are we going there? Why are we going to places we very obviously aren’t wanted? What good does that do for us? Cause an uproar? Bring more attention to us than we’re already getting?

Sure, it’s cheaper there. Yes, we need to find more places for us to live. But the ordinances and zoning laws that they are trying to put into effect are insane — which just shows how badly they don’t want us. If that’s the case, we shouldn’t be barging our way in.

Yes, as Americans we have the right to be there and anywhere. But as a favorite teacher of mine once said, Yiddishkeit is not about rights, it’s about responsibilities. We as Jews have the responsibility to act according to the Torah and make a kiddush Hashem. Making a ruckus and causing an extreme chillul Hashem is the absolute opposite of who we are and who we should be. Is it really worth the fight?

Name Withheld

She Set the Stage [Still in the Story / Issue 1058]

I was very interested to read Tzivia Meth’s article about Rabbi Marcus Lehmann in last week’s issue. My children and I greatly enjoyed reading his fascinating stories over the years.

Even more intriguing, as mentioned in the article, he was not actually the first Orthodox novelist. Sara Hirsch Guggenheim first became a serial writer in 1863. She was the forerunner of all the writers publishing serials in Mishpacha and other frum magazines to this day.

Menucha Chana Levin
Jerusalem

Between Fire and a Cliff [The Art of Asking / Issue 1057]

Dear Rabbi Ginsberg,

I very much appreciate the point that people have to think on their own to know when they need to ask daas Torah. However, there are a couple points that need to be clarified.

In the example given, of joining a family trip to a location whose standards aren’t up to par, the Rav gave the option of just being machmir and not joining the family. But the conundrum of this sh’eilah and others like it is that being stringent about personal and family standards may very well lead to leniency about serious Torah laws and values such as kibbud av v’eim and machlokes. It’s very easy to tell parents that you cannot join a family trip, in the name of chumras and standards, while violating basic Torah laws in the name of standards that aren’t halachic requirements.

While I don’t profess to have the answer, I take issue with the ease with which the Rav presented avoiding the trip as the safer option. Daas Torah requires weighing the many Torah values at stake here. The analogy to a park that may have uranium makes sense only if we understand that there is the fire of machlokes behind us and the cliff of kibbud av v’eim on our other side. In that case, you ultimately choose the possible exposure as the better option.

Dov Elefant
Staten Island, NY

Connecting to our History [Built to Endure / Issue 1057]

Thank you so much for the outstanding feature on Rav Leizer Gordon by Dovi Safier. It provides a glimpse into a different era, portraying a multifaceted gadol who was a link in the chain of mesorah. The careful research, professional arrangement, and quality writing combine to create a masterpiece for the reader’s pleasure, education, and inspiration.

It’s important for us to learn about and connect with our rich history, the foundation of what we are and what we have today. This and other articles in this series are so beneficial in providing us laypeople with reliable and easy-to-follow sources on treasures of our nation’s rich past.

Thank you to all those involved in the process for your hard work to produce the end result. Already looking forward to the next one.

R.C.
Lakewood

Unique Angle [Carry On / Issue 1057]

I really enjoyed the article about eiruv building in the Pesach edition of Mishpacha. It was a look into a world that most people probably don’t know about. I would love to see more articles like this!

Steven DuBois

Silent Struggles [Indebted / Double Take – Issue 1057]

The Double Take article in this year’s Pesach issue really struck a chord in me. There’s such a powerful message hidden between those lines that I have wished to relay to the world for so long.

This story hit home so hard. As a result of some big challenges that I’m facing, I often need to fly to Florida where there is a facility that offers a very specific service that I need. It’s a brutal process that involves an immense amount of money, coordination, time, and pain, but one I continue because I want to do what’s best for me and my family.

Pesach time, my siblings and I were discussing how pricey things have become, and how difficult it would be to pay our post-Yom Tov credit card bill. Suddenly, one of my sisters said, “Well nobody asked you to go gallivanting in Florida four times a year!”

I was so taken aback. Why does she assume these trips are for leisure purposes? What makes her think that I would leave my children, take off from work, and spend all this time and money to go on vacation every three months?!

What I want to tell Lani is that she can never know what goes on behind closed doors. How can she know that Chaviva isn’t facing tremendous challenges that compel her to go away for Pesach despite her financial challenges?

People face so many unfortunate challenges today and you can never know what other people are carrying in their hearts. Please, let us all be kind, considerate, and compassionate to each other. Everyone, and I mean everyone, has a struggle that you know nothing about.

A Struggling Jew

Don’t Jump to Ultimatums [Calligraphy / Issue 1057]

Dear Rena (of Ariella Schiller’s “Family Grounds”),

You’re living with hurt, loneliness, and fear. What can I say? Hugs and kisses; I wish I could wipe the issue down like I do greasy counters.

I have concerns. Were you unable to think of any better solution before jumping to the ultimatum? How about telling your spouse, verbally or in writing, how you used to be sunshine, but you’re now burned remains? Were you unable to think of a gentle but honest way of phrasing the pain you experienced? How it’s objectively unfair to be treated that way — but without using the D word?

He’s nasty for treating you this way. He has an anger issue. True. But he’s your husband. You have two kids. How would you feel if he said the house is so messy he’s giving you an ultimatum? Kudos to you for the courage you display, but you can be strong without being threatening.

If nice, honest talk doesn’t help, and there’s never any improvement, you would need to consider your next steps. My shoulders are too frail for considerations of whether divorce is right or not. But it certainly doesn’t have to be in the first conversation you ever have with him about his insulting speech. And dare I say, it also doesn’t have to be in your thoughts — yet.

R.L.

Erase the Shame [Guestlines / Issue 1054]

I found the article about exercising prudence when sharing personal information thought-provoking, but the specific application to mental health and mental illness deeply disturbed me.

The writer references students taking pills publicly in a school or shul setting. There are a host of conditions that are treatable with the right cocktail of psychopharmacology. Would there ever be a conversation about the propriety of discussing a cancer diagnosis? Or any other physical illness? Absolutely not! The premise of the article — the limitations of sharing as it applies specifically to mental illness — is a sad commentary of where we are still holding. Someone struggling with mental illness is no different than someone struggling with a physical illness.

There is no invitation to “invite shame” when revealing, sharing, or just being vulnerable about one’s mental health. I do not know if the author had the specific intention to compare the Gemara about Rabi Shimon bar Yochai regarding sharing one’s sins to sharing mental health illness and struggles, but that was definitely the message I took. And it’s simply wrong and hurtful to those dealing with mental illness while hiding in their own bedrooms and their own minds, thinking they are alone with this struggle. Would we ever think of addressing parents of a child with cancer and saying, “Please only share or vent to others about your child’s illness if it brings you clarity on how to approach the situation with more resilience”?

I kindly urge this author, and others who are in a position to support members of our community, to try to better understand the deep feelings of loneliness and helplessness so many struggling with mental health issues contend with. With greater awareness, even small efforts to help this population feel more comfortable and open to share will help alleviate those feelings of loneliness, helplessness, and hopelessness, which is sadly another layer of suffering when dealing with mental illness

People should feel no discomfort or stigma saying: “I have bipolar disorder and I am taking lithium,” “My child is struggling with an eating disorder and my life is upside down,” “I have major depressive disorder and have not gotten out of bed for two weeks,” “I have general anxiety disorder and I am on an SSRI that is finally helping me function,” “I have PTSD and cannot have a normal relationship,” etc., etc.

If I misunderstood or misrepresented the message of this article, I kindly ask the author to respond and clarify what he meant.

Pained and Cannot Share Why

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1060)