“Stretching the rules, or even worse, ignoring them or simply lying, in the name of frumkeit seems to have become the norm”

Hebrew Letters Doesn’t Mean It’s a Good Hechsher [Food for Thought / Issue 1055]

What a beautiful and insightful article on Rabbi Fishbane.

Seeing the wonderful work and success of the kashrus agencies in America and Europe has brought up something that’s been bothering me for a long time.

The AKO often comes to Israel and speaks in some shuls about how so many of the Israeli hechsherim are extremely subpar, well beneath the  standards of the hechsherim they eat in chutz l’Aretz, and just because there is Hebrew writing on the paper hanging on the wall does not make it kosher.

Yet thousands of chutznikim come every year to take their kids, nieces, and nephews out to restaurants and eat in hotels at which they would never dream of eating, if they knew the level of the standards there.

Why are kashrus organizations and shul rabbanim not talking to people coming from chutz l’Aretz instead of choosing to keep quiet about this problem?

Perhaps the time has come for someone to speak up about this important issue.

Thank you very much.

Nesanel

Alternate Realities [Five Years On / Issue 1055]

I lost my father to Covid early on in the pandemic of 2020. As soon as Purim passes, we reenter that insane time period once again. I have constant flashbacks of what went on then. It was a nightmare that we have been trying to shake, but try as we might, it remains our reality.

Everyone had their struggles. There were those who couldn’t work or lost their jobs. There were those whose schedules were interrupted and routines put on hold. And then there were those whose lives were forever altered, never to be the same.

There were hundreds of sudden almanos and yesomim, whose husbands and fathers died alone in the hospital with no one at their bedside, no one to advocate for them or to be there for them and hold their hand.

There were families that needed to make decisions regarding who could be present at their father’s and husband’s levayah, as they wanted a minyan and only ten people could be in attendance. There were therefore children and spouses watching the levayah of a close family member over Zoom. Just picture that for a second.

There were families who waited days for kevurah due to the overwhelming number of bodies that the chevra kaddisha needed to handle.

Some people’s relatives were buried by non-Jews on Yom Tov due to the fear that the virus would spread.

So many sat shivah alone. When you picture a shivah, you envision the low chairs with family sitting together, droves of people coming and going to be menachem avel, minyanim, Mishnayos, Kaddish, tzedakah. Klal Yisrael is incredible and has a way of galvanizing and coming together to support one another, particularly in a time of crisis.

Now picture a Covid shivah. Sitting alone on the floor, with no face-to-face interaction. The phone sometimes ringing off the hook and other times, silent, leaving you alone with your thoughts.

The constant debate and dialogue regarding COVID-19’s severity, handling, and politicization only exacerbated our grief. Lockdowns and uncertainty paralyzed daily life.

I hope I was able to articulate and highlight some of the challenges of those who lost loved ones during that time. A little bit of sensitivity and compassion can go a long way, and can help ease the pain and trauma of the families reliving their past horror and navigating their way through this time period.

Name Withheld

A Matter of Expectations [Sea Change / Issue 1054]

As a chassidish woman, I am so baffled. There are young women who are not getting married and you are not letting your boys start shidduchim until they reach a certain “grade” in yeshivah? You think it’s because the boys are too immature?

Maturity comes with expectations. Girls are expected to be mature at 19, so they are. Chassidish boys are expected to be ready for marriage at 19, so they are. In the non-Jewish world, girls are not expected to be ready for marriage before 25 — and so they’re not.

Is your 20-year-old son not ready for marriage? Watch what would happen if 60 percent of his class suddenly got engaged. He’ll mature so fast you will be shocked. There are always exceptions to the rule. But in general, maturing and being ready for marriage comes when it is expected of you.

I am 30 years old. In my chassidish grade of 65 girls, there is one who is still single. My sister who is 25 has just a handful of unmarried girls in her grade of 60.

It can’t be that hard to have roshei yeshivah insist that boys start dating at the age of 20, because it’s already being done. In hundreds of chassidish yeshivos all over the world, boys start shidduchim at 19. It can’t be that hard if it saves bnos Yisrael.

I’m trying not to be judgmental, but it’s hard to wrap my head around why meetings with rabbanim and initiatives and advertising are needed. Roshei yeshivah, insist your boys start dating at 19. They will grow up in due time. We do it, why can’t you?

Chayala H.

Brooklyn, NY

Everyone Knows Someone [Sea Change / Issue 1054]

I want to voice my thoughts about the proposed solution to our so-called shidduch crisis.

Respectfully, I think focusing on matching up the ages of the boys and girls is a waste of time and effort.

Why are we struggling to find a solution within a system that has created the crisis in the first place?

Once we’re discussing the numbers, it should be clear that the least effective part of the system is the shadchanim. If any other industry had a rate of success like that of shadchanim, it would not bode well. I know that I was sent dozens of résumés by shadchanim, and I ended up marrying zero of them.

I don’t mean to sound rude and I know that they are doing their best for a valuable and noble cause, but their work is proving to be ineffective, if not counterproductive.

When I decided to start dating, I spoke to three shadchanim. Within a few weeks I had 30 résumés, all of them nice girls with great families.

Then my roommate in yeshivah had a cousin, and just from talking to him about the family, she seemed like more of a real person than any of the papers.

My experience is not unique. Dealing with a shadchan is a great way to extend your network and options, but it feels a bit like they’re throwing darts at a target board and hoping for the best. There’s simply too much volume to make accurate and personalized recommendations.

I think that we, as a society, need to curb our reliance on résumés and shadchanim. Everyone knows someone. The chances are much higher that you’ll end up married when you go out with someone you met organically through your friends or family.

Maybe there’s a middle ground. Maybe we can shift to a system of more community-oriented shidduchim, where shadchanim stick primarily to their neighborhood, their shul, people they actually have a feeling for. I’m open to suggestions from those wiser than me, but I’d love to see one good suggestion instead of six mediocre ideas.

David L.

Older Is Better [Sea Change / Issue 1054]

I have a 23-year-old son who is just starting shidduchim, a 22-year-old daughter who has been in shidduchim for two years, and a 20-year-old daughter who wants to start shidduchim soon.

My wife and I laugh and don’t take it seriously when we get suggestions of 19- or 20-year-old girls for our son, because we’ve seen with our own eyes how much our 22-year-old daughter has progressed over the last two years, and how much readier for marriage she is now compared to what she was when she first started shidduchim at age 20.

She is more mature, more capable, and more financially secure. She has almost finished her college degree and saved money for future expenses. Our experience has shown us that a 22-year-old girl is so much more ready for marriage than a 20-year-old, and that is what we would like for our son.

I think if more people had our experience and clearly saw how much more mature, capable, and financially secure a more experienced 22- or 23-year-year old girl is compared to a younger girl, they would also want that for their son, which could help alleviate the age gap component of the shidduch crisis.

Name Withheld

Reconsider the Résumé [Sea Change / Issue 1054]

I am writing regarding the article on the shidduch crisis and the suggested changes we can make to help remedy it.

I could not help but notice the irony that the week Mishpacha ran an article seeking a solution for the shidduch crisis, Family First ran an article by a dating coach coaching an overwhelmed boy’s mom on how to navigate her pile of 128 girls’ résumés for her son. Dare I suggest there is a connection? And if not a connection, at the least, another problem we can work on remedying.

It is mainstream for boys to have to wade through tens of résumés before agreeing to go out with a girl. The sheer number of résumés served to boys make this the reality. No boy can date the girl on every résumé thrown his way, and no mother can research this staggering amount of résumés either. Their only option is to disregard résumés often based on superficial details to weed through the stack. I wonder if this reality — boys being served a veritable buffet of girls’ résumés — creates or exacerbates a problem by allowing boys to be increasingly picky about their criteria for who they will date. If we are striving to create a more ideal shidduch system, this should be part of the discussion.

The current standard is for shadchanim to redt the idea to the boy’s side first to spare the girl the pain of rejections. She will only see the résumé after he has agreed to go out. But through what was created as a system to protect one party, perhaps we are hurting both parties. We are overwhelming our sons with résumés, all the while causing many of our daughters to feel seemingly forgotten, and it is not uncommon for a girl to go an entire year or more without a suggestion.

To the contrary, oftentimes, the girl is aware that she is being looked into, either because the shadchan checked to find if she was available or through the grapevine of references on her résumé. When the follow-up is silent, she knows they have moved on. She gets a different form of rejection: silence.

The résumé system was likely created for convenience, a basic document that lists references and family information. Today, suggesting an idea can just take a quick impersonal email with the résumé attached. In our attempts at standardizing and streamlining the system, perhaps we have removed the human element that is the vital factor in shidduchim.

It was not so long ago that when someone had a shidduch suggestion, they would pick up the phone to pitch their idea, and then, after explaining the attributes of their idea, they would list off a few references to get further information. An idea was viewed as a more serious suggestion.

Now, we have gotten very formulaic about the shidduch parshah: Boy comes to shadchan and shadchan forwards multiple résumés that seem to be in the right ballpark. The onus is on the boy’s side to whittle down this overwhelming pile of dry, impersonal information and select the one girl worthy of a date. Somehow, we have unwittingly created a stark power imbalance instead of equally empowering both parties.

Can we create a new standard where it is no longer appropriate to give multiple résumés at once, just as it is not appropriate to date more than one person simultaneously? That shadchanim and individuals refrain from forwarding résumés without context, but in conjunction with a thoughtful and intentional reason why the suggestion is relevant? To ensure that before a new résumé is sent, the shadchan receives a yes or a no for the previous résumé so there is closure? And perhaps we should reevaluate giving the résumé to the boy’s side first. I know we are trying to protect our girls, but from your article, it is patently clear that they are still getting hurt.

May we merit having a system that enables homes being built for all of our children in line with Torah ideals. Our gratitude to the shadchanim and all their valiant efforts toward this goal is limitless.

A Concerned Mother

A Wise Approach [The Highest Truth / Issue 1054]

Thank you for Yosef Herz’s beautiful tribute to Rav Shimon Schwab ztz”l. Allow me to add a personal anecdote from the mid-1970s that sheds further light on the greatness of this legendary Torah personality.

We were discussing some mental health issues and Rav Schwab shared the following episode that took place shortly after he assumed the position of assistant rav of Kahal Adath Jeshurun in Washington Heights under Rav Yosef Breuer ztz”l.

A woman, not from his congregation, called in a panic, saying that her young adult daughter was claiming that she heard Hashem speaking to her. Rav Schwab instructed her to have her daughter call him directly, which she did. When the young woman called, Rav Schwab gave her an appointment to come to his office.

At the meeting, Rav Schwab said, “Your mother told me that you are saying that Hashem speaks to you.”

“He does,” she affirmed. “No one believes me. And you probably don’t believe me, either.”

“Tell me,” he continued. “What language does He use when speaking to you?”

“You see,” she shot back. “I knew you wouldn’t believe me. You’re probably just going to send me to a psychiatrist!”

Rav Schwab leaned across his desk, saying firmly, “Now listen here, young lady. Hashem has not chosen to speak with any human being in over 2,000 years. And if He has chosen to do so now, then every aspect of that communication is extremely important to us! I am going to refer you to a psychiatrist not because I don’t believe you, but because I want to make sure we fully understand all aspects of that communication.”

Feeling validated, the woman took the referral, took the medication she was prescribed, and fully recovered from her psychotic episode.

Meir Wikler, D.S.W.

Brooklyn, NY

Additional Stories about Rav Schwab [The Highest Truth / Issue 1054]

I appreciate the engaging article about Rav Shimon Schwab. I would like to contribute additional information that my father, Rav Benzion ztz”l, and my uncle, Rav Bezalel ztz”l, shared with the children, which has been documented in Orchos Yesharim, by Rav Yomtov Lipman Rakow (London, 1991) and My Father, My Rebbe, The Life and Times of Rabbi Bentzion Rakow, 1925-1985 (Targum/Feldheim, Gateshead, 1998).

In 1920 Rav Yomtov Lipman Rakow (a talmid of Mir and Volozhin), from White Russia (present-day Belarus) who was serving as rav in Heidelberg, was offered a position in the Breuer’s Yeshivah that as attached to the Austritts Gemeinde in Frankfurt (the separatist Orthodox community started by the renowned Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch ztz”l).

The usual procedure for all new members of the hanhalah of Breuer’s Yeshivah was to start with a one-year trial period. During this year, Rav Yomtov Lipman displayed his strong, enthusiastic personality for all to see. The litvishe method of learning was new to the bochurim and impressed them greatly. His shiur attracted boys from other shiurim too, becoming increasingly popular as the year progressed. Fearing a litvishe takeover, he was simply told at the end of the trial period, “This is not Slabodka. We have our own derech.”

In the interim, Rav Yomtov Lipman obtained another position at the Talmud Torah of Rav Horovitz. However, by this time, he had become a noteworthy figure, and the Allgemeine kehillah invited him to become rosh yeshivah of their yeshivah, just prior to the appointment of Rav Hoffman as their rav. Thus, Rav Rakow became the rosh yeshivah of what came to be known as Hoffman’s Yeshivah and remained there until the impending Holocaust forced him to flee.

Although he was now employed by the Allgemeine kehillah, he personally remained a member of the Breuer’s kehillah (he approved of the Agudah ideology and had personal contact with Moreinu Yaakov Rosenheim). The Allgemeine kehillah did not favor the idea that their rosh yeshivah should belong to another kehillah, but had to accept Rav Yomtov Lipman’s decision, which, as ever, was based upon what he considered correct. The Allgemeine kehillah joined with the Reform and Liberal communities for purposes of communal taxation while the Breuer’s kehillah operated independently.

It is noteworthy to mention here that it was Rav Yomtov Lipman who was instrumental in influencing Mr. Leopold (Yehudah) Schwab, a respected member of the Frankfurt Community, to send his sons to Lithuanian yeshivos. His sons became known later as Rav Shimon Schwab of New York, Rav Mordechai Schwab of Monsey, and Rav Moshe Schwab of Gateshead Yeshivah.

Rav Yomtov Lipman did not allow the episode with the Austritts Gemeinde to influence his attitude toward them, and he reproved his sons when they used the word “Yekkeh” in a derogatory manner.

“Yekkehs,” he would say, “are ovdei Hashem. One must not mock them. The term ‘Yekkeh’ simply means ‘a short jacket,’ and one must not use this term to degrade a part of Klal Yisrael.”

Rabbi Shimon Schwab, who had settled in the US, made efforts of his own to obtain permission for the Rakow family to leave Germany. On receiving a cable that this notable rav was in a concentration camp, Rabbi Shimon Schwab immediately set to work. Rabbi Schwab was, at that time, rav of the Orthodox synagogue in Baltimore. Without hesitation, he paid a visit to another kehillah (which had 1,000 members) and interrupted one of their communal events.

Banging on the table, he spoke up, saying: “My rebbi in Germany is in a concentration camp, and the only way to get him out is if we offer him a position.”

A hurried meeting was organized, and Rabbi Rakow was appointed as their communal leader. An affidavit was sent immediately to Frankfurt. America had a fixed quota system for European refugees. Each country was allocated a certain number of permits per year: 3,000 for Germany, 2,000 for Russia, and so forth. On each permit was a number — each person having to wait until his number came up.

Unfortunately, it seemed that it would be an unacceptably long period of time until Rav Yomtov Lipman’s number would come up, and he would be able to leave. Hence this idea was set aside.

C. Zahn, Gateshead

Even Difficult Memories Are Comforting [Outlook / Issue 1053]

I want to thank Rabbi Yonoson Rosenblum for his recent column that made reference to the Polish town of Zdunska-Wola. While many have heard of the Lodz ghetto, where the occupants of Zdunska-Wola were transported to during World War II, few have heard of this small settlement of religious Jews — unless they are descendants of its residents, like myself. (See my article “Unearthing the Past,” Issue 922.)

My grandparents, Dovid Eliezer and Mindel Zomber a”h, were residents of Zdunska-Wola, and by Hashem’s grace, they survived the war, but their four children unfortunately did not. They merited to have two more children on American soil, and now have three generations of descendants who are all bnei Torah.

It so happens that the week that Rabbi Rosenblum’s article ran, my siblings and I were all sitting around the Shabbos table with my parents and our own children, as my father regaled us with stories about his upbringing. The yahrtzeit of his father, Dovid Eliezer Zomber, was that very Shabbos. I pointed out the mention of Zdunska-Wola in the article, which my father appreciated very much (even amid the horrifying details surrounding the reference). Sometimes even that which is difficult to remember provides comfort.

Thank you for adding some extra meaning to our Shabbos seudah and to the memory of my grandfather.

Mindel Kassorla

We Can Do Better [Double Take — Party Pooper / Issue 1052]

I read with shock and disbelief the Double Take feature about bas-mitzvah “events” and the dubious ways parents and their children are trying to cheat and squirm their way out of following the standards set by their schools.

They make excuses and devise arguments for defending their choices as they plan their over-the-top celebrations that fundamentally contradict the principles of living a Torah lifestyle.

We as a community are deeply hypocritical and misdirected when we use deception in the guise of celebrating a child’s entry into the obligations of becoming a Torah observant Jew. Does anyone see the absurdity of this scenario?

Becoming a bas mitzvah is exactly that: Celebrating a child’s entry into taking on the obligations of the Torah. Isn’t that the goal or did I miss something here?

It seems that outdoing others and striving for excessive materialism trumps our goal of being mechanech our children. I’m left scratching my head and feeling absolutely disgusted by this situation. Whatever happened to respecting and abiding by the standards of the yeshivos which we send our children to?

Don’t we send them to school in order for them to learn the fundamentals of what it means to be a frum person?

As a proud alumnus of Prospect Park High School, I was inspired by the incredible chinuch of Rabbi Joel Kramer, Mrs. Esther Hoberman a”h, and Mrs. Zlata Press.

They stressed the importance of honesty and personal integrity. Emes was paramount. I’m so disgusted with this “feature” mainly because I see it happening all over.

“Don’t let anyone get in the way of what you want to do.” Stretching the rules, or even worse, ignoring them or simply lying, in the name of frumkeit seems to have become the norm. This attitude is deeply damaging and harmful to our impressionable children.

The obsession with extreme “upscaling” of events is completely antithetical to being a frum person. We are supposed to model for our children an attitude of honesty and humility. This scenario is an ugly and disgraceful example of the worst of who we are as a community.

We can do better.

R. Reisman

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1056)