“I applaud Rabbi Greenwald for his Nachshon ben Aminadav action. We just need to jump into the sea together!”

Modern Day Amalek [Outlook / Issue 1053]

Thank you for a wonderful Purim edition, full of amazing humor and joy. On a more serious note, I found Yonoson Rosenblum’s article truly fascinating. Could I please add a footnote to his amazing story about Julius Streicher yemach shemo?

The story I heard was that 11 Nazis were due to be hanged in Nuremberg, but a couple of hours before, one of the Nazis, Hermann Göring yemach shemo, took a cyanide tablet he’d managed to hide in his cell, thus reducing the number to ten, kneged the aseres bnei Haman! According to what I remember, Streicher’s last words were “Purimfest fur die Juden!” (Purim festival for the Jews), seeing the reincarnation of the Neis Purim in their deaths.

May we witness mechiyas Amalek bimheirah b’yameinu!

M. Kramar

Challenging Social Norms [Guestlines / Issue 1053]

Rabbi Plotnick’s article about spending some time with the recipients of our mishloach manos triggered some strong feelings within me about the social norms we all take for granted, even when they make no sense and seem to involve time, money, and energy that we don’t always have.

Why can’t we stop for a few minutes when giving out our mishloach manos? Because Purim is now the day that we busy mothers need to drive around stopping off at every one our kids’ rebbeim and morahs during their scheduled time slots.

Where does it say this in the megillah? Do we visit them on Succos or Pesach? Why Purim? We have have created a new minhag to make our lives more hectic on one of the busiest days of the year. Like so many other social norms that nobody has time for or can afford, we bend ourselves into a pretzel to accommodate it.

What exactly are we accomplishing? The teachers themselves have a busy day ahead of them, but are stuck at home waiting for their students to come.

I understand it’s nice to give something as an expression of hakaras hatov, but can we do it in school? Then maybe we could have time on this busy day to visit great aunts and uncles, grandparents, etc., for more than just a quick hello.

Name Withheld

Time to Take the Leap [Open Mic / Issue 1053]

I am writing in appreciation and support of Rabbi Zecharya Greenwald’s article regarding the hundreds of girls experiencing rejection and humiliation after not being accepted into any seminary, let alone the seminary of their choice.

Kol hakavod to Rabbi Greenwald for not only suggesting, but also offering to spearhead, an initiative to place girls in seminaries, much like the National Resident Matching Program at medical schools. Rabbi Greenwald’s proposal will enable hundreds of girls to avoid shame and rejection when seminary acceptances are sent.

It is time we end the bushah inflicted on bnos Yisrael. The same way we are all called to action to enlist in shidduch initiatives, meal trains, and Tehillim groups, we all need to advocate for this initiative and end the tzaar so many girls are feeling. A year in seminary is supposed to be a year of growth and learning, but we are stunting our girls before they have a chance to soar.

In Rabbi Yaakov Bender’s newest sefer, A Heart for Another, Rabbi Bender writes, “Every child who is rejected or feels rejected is our fault.” And “Being rejected is no fun. If they slip, then it is we who have sinned.”

It is incumbent upon us all, every member of Am Yisrael, to advocate for these neshamos and change the system. I applaud Rabbi Greenwald for his Nachshon ben Aminadav action. We just need to jump into the sea together!

Ronit Schwartz

Lawrence, N.Y.

Seismic Transformation [So Strong yet So Simple / Issue 1053]

Thank you, Mishpacha, for your powerful tribute to Rav Nota Schiller ztz”l. I believe he was one of the most important and impactful men of the last 60 years, not only in the Torah world. To borrow an expression that has become trite though overuse, Rav Nota was a revolutionary. However, unlike other so-called revolutionaries, his was one that is “sofo l’hiskayem” coming with no fanfare or ulterior motives of any kind.

While initially the effects of his efforts were hardly perceptible, it was not long before these efforts began to produce a seismic transformation in Klal Yisrael, yielding a wave of vitality that enriched not only his talmidim (immensely) but also the larger Torah community, sending cascading ripples and unimaginable effects that will continue to be felt l’dorei doros. The number of people whose lives he changed dramatically is immeasurable and will continue to multiply. I am among them.

Yonoson Rosenblum, Hanoch Teller, and others admirably describe Rav Nota’s numerous talents and his personality. In my experience, the two most telling were his ability and willingness to engage with very intelligent students steeped in secular western thought, most of whom could not imagine that Judaism had anything comparable to offer, in an intellectually honest, open, and nonjudgmental manner. This skill enabled him to influence a wide variety of unaffiliated Jews. Together with his warmth and caring for each person passing through Ohr Somayach, it was an unbeatable combination.

Many have their favorite Rav Nota stories; I will briefly share mine. I developed a kesher with him during my initial summer at Ohr Somayach. During my following year at Yale, I arranged for him to speak to a group of students, and his talk was well attended and very well received. I believe some of the attendees subsequently became his talmidim.

In my final year of college, I was persuaded by a few other students to try a different yeshivah after graduating, which I did. I immediately realized I had made a mistake. Rav Nota reached out to me, we had a very good conversation, and I returned to Ohr Somayach where I spent an extremely enriching, transformative time.

I hope Mishpacha will devote further space to the kiruv movement engendered by Rav Nota and others, which has valuable lessons for all of us.

Name Withheld

It Works [Inbox / Issue 1052]

As proud parents of one of Rabbi Shmuel Stein’s choshuve seventh graders, we cannot overstate the impact of his methodology, which he wrote about in his inbox letter, “Taste the Sweetness.”

The growth we’ve experienced this year is impossible to quantify. Our son comes home every single night believing he can do it and thirsty for more.

Aside from teaching them in the classroom, Rabbi Stein has also implanted in his talmidim the motivation to learn, and a true love of learning that will keep them shteiging long past the final bell, past seventh grade, and onward into a life of Torah learning.

In this upside-down world of constant overstimulation, smartphones, and competition for their attention coming from all the wrong places, Rabbi Stein has — with tremendous yegiah and genuine unconditional love of his talmidim — inculcated these amazing 12-year-olds with a teshukah for chazarah that many balabatim would be jealous of.

Our son, like his whole class, truly wants to “own” his learning. He is so proud of himself when he succeeds, and he just wants more and more.

After school hours, when other seventh graders are doing what seventh graders do at night, this group of boys wants to get together on their own after school to chazzer. Nobody forced them to. Aderabah! They forced us to set it up!

We can gladly testify that despite all of the davening and learning that we do, we have no doubt that all this has come from Rabbi Stein, his unconditional love for his talmidim, and his own true love of learning that they see and feel and want to emulate and experience. They want to be a part of it. They don’t want to miss out on what has their rebbe so excited!

Yasher koyach, Rabbi Stein. Our hakaras hatov cannot be measured.

Tova Liba and Moshe Wyszkowski

Join the Movement [Inbox / Issue 1052]

I would like to add to the fantastic letter that was sent last week by Rabbi Shmuel Stein. Chinuch is something that needs to be alive and geshmak. What worked years ago may not and probably does not work today. My rebbi, Rav Shmuel Berenbaum ztz”l, told me that saying a chiddush is not only in Gemara but in darchei chinuch as well. “Zuggen a chiddush iz nit nohr ihn Torah, uber mir darf mechadeish zein in chinuch oichet.”

It is so integral for rebbeim to motivate their talmidim, and there is no one answer how to accomplish this. But what definitely does work is giving the bochur a geshmak in his learning. Give the bochur a love of Torah! And you don’t have to be “the best boy in the class” to have that feeling.

I have been zocheh to teach tashbar for over 30 years and can actually attest that since the Torascha B’finu (TB) program made its way into my shiur room a few short years ago, the results have been something that I never expected. Bochurim in seventh grade chazzer Gemara for 30 minutes, 60 minutes, 90 minutes without a break! There is no emphasis placed on the pressure of tests or the competition of contests; they do it because they want it. And we are talking about 11- and 12-year-old boys! These are sixth and seventh graders who are on their way to becoming real bnei Torah by loving Torah!

Originally, I asked, “What’s the prize? What do they get?” And the answer is: There is no prize. Torah sells itself!

“Ki tov sachrah m’kol schorah.” If done correctly, there is not one boy who does not benefit from such a mehalech. The bochurim love to review, and it totally changes their life. The Gemara, with its multiple notes and footnotes, becomes “their Gemara!”

I’ll conclude with a short story. During my first year with the program, there was a bochur in my shiur whose family was traveling to Baltimore for Chanukah break. My phone rang, and it was the boy’s father on the line. He tells me, “Rebbi Shereshevsky, we have been on the road for 30 minutes and were almost on the Verrazano Bridge, when my son started telling me that we have to go back. I asked him why and he told me he forgot his Gemara.

“I told him there are plenty of Gemaras in Baltimore but he insisted that he needed his Gemara. I was going to just ignore him, but when I saw the tears welling up in his eyes, I turned around. The entire family went back to get his Gemara. You have no idea how proud I am. Thank you, Rebbi.”

The stories that all of us TB rebbeim (there are now over 40 rebbeim across the US who are part of this mehalech) have witnessed are just awesome. We share our accomplishments and our challenges constantly. To all of you rebbeim who are thinking, What can I do to galvanize my shiur? How can I make the Gemara geshmak for them? How can I get them to love to learn? Jump aboard! See what a difference you will make, not only in having the Gemara understood, but to the bochur himself! And once he’s on board, there’s no telling how far he will go. This year, next year, his entire life.

For more information contact Rav Dovid Newman: Vhaarevna@gmail.com

Thank you for listening,

Mayer Simcha Shereshevsky

Give Him Time [Picture This]

Thank you, Ariella Schiller, for an incredible serial.

As we all part with Estee, Yonah, and the rest of the characters, I wanted to share a few things that marriage (all of six years so far) has taught me.

Shanah rishonah is an adjustment for everyone. Just like it took Estee time to adjust to all that marriage entails, a husband deserves to have that time to adjust, too. While many wives are horrified, understand that it’s one hundred percent normal that it will take a man time to reacclimate himself into responsibilities of minyan and yeshivah life. It doesn’t mean they won’t bounce back with the right encouragement.

I remember an esteemed seminary teacher of mine describing a bochur who just couldn’t go to yeshivah for many weeks after the wedding. Then she very dramatically asked us, “And how do I know this bochur? Because he is my husband!” She continued by sharing how nervous she was then, but reassured us that he was back to himself after the initial shanah rishonah haze wore off.

They teach us a lot of important things in seminary, but this really stuck out. We sometimes forget that our husbands are human.

Another thing I learned is that Lakewood (a.k.a. big city life) is not for everyone. Once we moved out of town, where there are only two Shacharis options, my husband felt much more of an achrayus to be on time to Shacharis and seder, as his presence really matters.

Lastly, there have been many times that I bit my tongue rather than comment to my husband about his schedule, and was grateful when I ultimately realized there was a later Shacharis that day, or that he had off from kollel for bein hazmanim. Dan l’chaf zechus can take you far, in shanah rishonah and beyond.

Thank you for the opportunity to look at the flaws in our own lives with a zoomed-in lens so we can improve ourselves in any possible way!

S.K.

Yeshivos of Yesteryear [For the Record / Issue 1052]

My two yedidim from For the Record have done it again!

Aside from being a fascinating read, the article about the great yeshivah of Toshnad opened a window to an era that has sadly been long forgotten. Over the years, I’ve met people who are shocked and incredulous when you tell them that the Chasam Sofer was not “chassidish” in today’s sense of the word. Sadly, many people aren’t aware of that world that was.

On a more humorous note, this brings to mind an acquaintance of mine who grew up in a heimish/chassidish kehillah but went the litvish route for yeshivah. When he told the elderly Yidden in his hometown shtibel that he was learning in Brisk, the men were very impressed. They told him that back in the heim, Toshnad was a very prestigious yeshivah!

Eli Neuberger

Baltimore, MD

Reality Check [Party Pooper / Double Take – Issue 1052]

I sometimes wonder why educators don’t try to understand their pupils more or use effective communication. Did anyone wonder why the girls were intent on breaking the school rules regarding bas mitzvahs? That is the main question here — why?

I’ll tell you why. (Not that I’m bas mitzvah age, but I am trying to think what it must feel like.) Kids nowadays need their chance to feel special. No matter what the school will do, they all want to have their own party, with their own theme, inviting the people that matter to them. And to celebrate with their families is often not enough for a teen. There is nothing compared to having their friends there. They will inevitably break the rules.

So what is the solution? Let them have their parties. What about the issue of girls being left out? The only rule should be that the entire class must be invited. Of course you can set rules regarding standards, but those are always vague and can always be challenged.

And the peer pressure is not going to end at bas mitzvahs. In a few years’ time it will be the weddings, then the baby clothes and children’s fashion. Pressure from standards is going to be a lifetime challenge. So talk to them about it! Talk about the tzniyus of a Jewish girl, and emphasize that a bas mitzvah Shalosh Seudos for the whole class will be something that makes you proudest. And then you’ll be doing your job as a true mechaneches, instilling values for a lifetime.

R.L.

Don’t Surrender Parental Rights [Party Pooper / Double Take – Issue 1052]

I’d like to share some thoughts on how the mother’s phone conversation with the teacher, in which she informed her that her daughter would not be allowed to participate in the class bas mitzvah, might have been better executed.

1) The teacher decided to crack down rather harshly on a rule that was previously not enforced. Although she informed the students that the school would no longer tolerate this infraction, she did not say what the consequence would be. It is unwise and unfair to warn children that a rule will be enforced without clearly explaining what such enforcement will entail, particularly when the planned consequence is severe. The mother must respectfully and assertively explain to the teacher that imposing such a severe consequence without prior warning is unreasonable.

2) The mother is the one who misjudged the school’s seriousness and decided to invite her daughter’s classmates to attend the party. A 12-year-old can hardly be expected to have the discernment and maturity to think critically and form conclusions that differ from her own mother’s. She should not be punished for her mother’s decision. The mother should highlight this point to the teacher and this must be considered when imposing consequences on the girls in the future.

3) Parents have a responsibility to intervene when their child is subjected to unfair and unduly harsh treatment, particularly when such treatment comes from an authority figure. Children are powerless to confront unfair treatment from teachers, and it is therefore crucial for parents to advocate for them.

Although it may feel intimidating to take a strong position against a respected principal or teacher, remember that your authority over your child’s chinuch is absolute. No one understands them or cares about them more than you do. Keep in mind that most teachers will show appropriate deference to a mother who takes her parental authority seriously. As long as you are respectful and nonconfrontational, your assertive leadership on the issue will likely be given due respect.

4) Enrolling a child in school does not mean surrendering parental rights. Schools are accountable to parents, not the other way around. Obviously, parents expect schools to exercise reasonable discretion when implementing disciplinary measures in response to ordinary misconduct such as minor disruptive behavior, minor misconduct among peers, tardiness, dress code violations, etc. However, if a school feels that a particular infraction deserves a severe consequence (beyond detention, a talking-to, revoking small privileges, special assignments, etc.) the advice and consent of the parents must be obtained before the consequence is given.

As uncomfortable as it may be, the mother should respectfully but firmly communicate that (a) it is unacceptable for the teacher to issue such a harsh punishment without her prior knowledge and input, and (b) she expects the teacher to respect her parental authority and address each of the mitigating factors outlined above. If the teacher refuses to reconsider after these points have been made, the mother may need to say something like, “Since we haven’t made progress toward resolving this, I will reach out to the principal to discuss this further. In the meantime, I would like to make clear that, as her mother, I do not consent to this punishment and I expect my authority to be respected while I work with the principal to address this.”

T.S.P.

Is It Worth It? [Party Pooper / Double Take – Issue 1052]

Dear Mother Who Doesn’t Agree with Her Child’s School Rule,

There are many parents who identify with the above title at some point. It makes sense; school rules are created for a general public, but we care for our children as individuals. We know our children better, and we know how rules affect them.

But here’s the reason why it’s a much bigger problem than just a bas mitzvah party, cell phone, or vacation in Florida. The school that your child attends is a large part of their personal chain of mesorah. If your child gets the message that school rules need only be listened to when it works for you, they just learned that acceptance of our mesorah is optional. And that’s a scary path to be on. They might end up dismissing much more crucial aspects of the school’s chinuch, and eventually, the chinuch in your home, too. These children end up with a “don’t tell me what to do” attitude toward anyone trying to guide them.

Even if you grudgingly follow the rules, when a child hears a lack of respect for their principals and teachers, they have a harder time absorbing the chinuch in school because they no longer have an open mind.

This is not to say that you can’t ask the principal for leeway in specific situations, but please think ahead, Mother. Is this party worth clouding your child’s avodas Hashem for life?

Name Withheld

Inaccurate Representation [Job Search / Issue 1050]

The article about becoming a mental health counselor says that “the difference between a mental health counselor and a psychologist” is that an MHC offers therapy, etc., while a psychologist does testing and research. This is not the case. Psychologists are highly trained in psychotherapy — considerably more trained than MHCs. That is why their training takes so much longer. This inaccurate portrayal of these two mental health disciplines is a disservice to the public.

Nosson Solomon, Ph.D., Chairperson;

and Yeta Solomon, LCSW

Committee for Clinical Excellence, Nefesh International

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1054)