“Unfortunately, the Internet is a very effective and efficient way of regulating anxiety, albeit a very destructive one”

More on the Last Stand [Fighting the Good Fight / Issue 1052]

Thank you for the article featuring Dr. Zimmerman’s book From Boys to Men. This conversation is long overdue, and I’m sure many will benefit from this taboo subject being given space in the open.

As a mental health counselor in Jerusalem, I find that this is an issue that presents itself daily in the clinic, and there are a few points I would like to add. Firstly, as the Ohr HaChaim Hakadosh writes on parshas Acharei Mos (18:2), we have the capacities, tools, and strength to keep any command G-d has given us. He writes that this is true in every case aside from one: The command of keeping away from promiscuity. This is something we do not have the human ability to fight, he writes, unless we create adequate boundaries.

Many young adults look at this challenge as proof of their immaturity. It isn’t; it’s a very widespread human struggle. But we have to be very conscious of the importance of setting up the necessary boundaries. If parents understood this, perhaps they would be more comfortable opening up the conversation with their children.

Another vital point is that the article focused mainly on this being a “bochurim struggle,” which could potentially make this conversation taboo for the many, many avreichim and young married working men who struggle with this in a very painful way. I meet them on a daily basis, and many of them feel completely stuck, lost, and full of shame and guilt — which, as mentioned in the article, only perpetuates this painful cycle.

Lastly, we all have different ways of gluing ourselves together when we face the anxieties of life. In the past we may have had more adaptive ways of dealing with discomfort, anxiety, and pain. Unfortunately, the Internet is a very effective and efficient way of regulating anxiety, albeit a very destructive one. The closer parents are to their children and the more they feel valued by their parents, rebbeim (and spouse), the less they will have to deal with constantly feeling anxiety, discomfort, and confusion.

Thanks again for this great article.

Ephram Levitz, MSCC

Cracking Down Unfairly [Double Take – Party Pooper / Issue 1052]

I’ve often noticed that when a rule is being flouted and schools (or parents) decide to crack down, they tend to come down too hard, and the wrong people tend to suffer, unfairly.

What should the principal have done about the bas mitzvah parties? She should have turned a blind eye to what was going on and planned better for the coming year.

At the beginning of the next year, the school should have sent a letter to be signed by every parent, explicitly stating that the school would put on a very exciting bas mitzvah program and that any girl who broke the “no party” rule would be excluded from the program.

If the consequences are the same for everyone, and they’re publicized in advance, there’s much less place for resentment. Don’t punish a kid for your inability to enforce a rule.

Tamar Fischer

Zurich, Switzerland

Family Isn’t Always the Answer [Double Take – Party Pooper / Issue 1052]

I read this week’s Double Take with great interest. There was one very relevant point that was only mentioned in passing, and that was where the teacher said, “and you will get to celebrate with your families, too.” The hanhalah and teacher are assuming that every girl has a family to invite to her bas mitzvah, but that isn’t necessarily the case.

Some girls only have grandparents and maybe a single aunt or uncle. Some girls have families who live out of town and cannot make the trip in. This can translate into a girl having a meal with her parents and siblings (hopefully she has siblings, and this number can vary) while listening to her friends talk about the large family meals they had for their bas mitzvahs.

Please make your school’s policy inclusive to girls from all family situations, or at least have a line about what a family should do if there is no family to invite.

Name Withheld

Drop the Judgment [Double Take – Party Pooper / Issue 1052]

It’s Thursday night, and I still have so much to do, but the recent Double Take and magazine serials have stirred up such strong emotions within me that I feel compelled to share.

There’s so much I want to say — about bas mitzvahs; the horrid treatment of Rivi (an orphan, no less!); and poor Marissa, who feels guilty for simply existing, as if Tamar’s life is something she must atone for. But editor’s letters don’t typically get six-page spreads, so I’ll try to be succinct while still touching on many points.

We are a nation that literally survives on the understanding that “they may do that, but we do not. I know that ice cream looks yummy, sweetie, but it’s not kosher, and we don’t eat it. I see that you love that dress, but we don’t dress like that.”

Somehow, we’ve lost that strength. Instead of standing by our values, we’ve become a nation that lives in fear — not of anti-Semitism, but of judgment from our own people.

What if we could celebrate bas mitzvahs in a way that felt authentic to us? If we could tell our daughters, “Yes, her family flew the entire class to Jamaica, but in our home, we celebrate in the shul with bourekas and a keyboard player, and that’s just as special.”

We are no different from the parents in this week’s Double Take, skirting the rules by calling their party “an event.” We raise our girls to be tznuah, yet we pressure them to send (full-length) pictures to every Reuven, Shimon, and Levi. We preach chanoch l’naar al pi darko — educate each child according to her needs — yet we leave children floundering in unsuitable schools because of what others might think or how it will affect their siblings or our social standing.

We are G-d-fearing when we keep the Torah as it was given to us — when we remember that Hashem runs the world, not when we choose to judge others or live in fear of their judgment.

Rivi, you are a good person doing your best. You deserve appreciation for your generosity, not just to be the one constantly apologizing. Your husband and his entire family have been unjust toward you.

Marissa, you did not choose your past, but you do choose your present. Every day, you choose your daughter — you support her, raise her, and love her. You don’t need to hide your past. Your daughter needs to know that she exists because of you, not in spite of you.

And to all the frum 12-year-old girls out there: If you can have birthday parties when you turn 11 and 13, then you especially deserve to celebrate taking on all the mitzvos at age 12 — even the ones that feel hard right now. If your family isn’t comfortable with a big celebration, for whatever reason, that, too, is part of your story. You will grow from living with consistent values, within your means, and according to halachah. And you will definitely learn more from teachers and administrators who behave consistently, and uphold the same rules for everyone, instead of bending them for the “right” people.

I pray that every Jewish woman can live within a Torah value system she truly believes in — without fear of judgment or comparison.

May we all find joy and fulfillment in our own lives, as the unique individuals Hashem created us to be. Now, I need to get back to my Shabbos preparation — what will my guests think if I don’t show enough culinary prowess?

S. Goldberg

Los Angeles, CA

Unsustainable for Business [Guestlines / Issue 1051]

Thank you to Rabbi Kerzner for his insightful article on parnassah. He discussed the mitzvah of hiring a fellow Jew and its status as the highest level of tzedakah. However, I would like to offer another consideration.

From my own personal experience, while hiring a fellow Jew is undoubtedly a chesed, it can sometimes create significant problems in a business setting. In my case, the individual I hired was not meeting the necessary standards, yet I found myself unable to terminate his employment due to the moral and communal pressures involved. The result was a dysfunctional work environment that ultimately caused my business to suffer dramatically.

While employing another Jew is a noble ideal, one is not mechuyav to jeopardize his financial stability for this mitzvah. At times, hiring within the community can demand a level of sacrifice that borders on unsustainable. A balance must be struck between doing chesed and ensuring the viability of one’s livelihood.

Y.W.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1053)