“I hope and pray that the letter writer never suffered nearly as much as the woman in the article did”

Each One and His Path [Perspective / Issue 1050]

In last week’s article, Rabbi Sklare astutely noted that while Eisav may commit greater atrocities, there is a certain venom and toxicity unique to Yishmael. Actually, this has been described in the Torah in the last of Bilaam’s visions which describes the end of times: “He lifted his voice in a metaphor and said, Woe! Oy miyichyeh misumo Kel — Who will survive when He imposes these.” There are various explanations for this pasuk (see Sanhedrin 106a.)

After 9/11, Rabbi Yissocher Frand remarked that the pasuk can mean, “Who will survive before the one who acts in the name of G-d? Yishmael justifies his terror as being sanctioned by G-d, in contrast to the Nazis whose murder of Jews was largely for racial reasons.

I would take issue with where he says: “Ultimately, the thirst of the neshamah can only be satiated with authentic Torah expressed by drawing from the wellsprings of the machshavah masters.” Such a global statement is simply inaccurate. What about those (such as myself) for whom machshavah is not our cup of tea? Is our Yiddishkeit incomplete?

On the other hand, Rabbi Sklare is definitely correct in stating that people want to “experience how the hallowed nusach of old speaks to them in their station in life.” Personally, after the horrors of October 7, the poignant and heartrending tefillos of Tachanun strike a deep chord. It is sad that it seems to be a minhag b’chol t’futzos Yisrael, including yeshivish minyanim, to fly through this section. (Coming on time to Shacharis doesn’t help here.)

May the gentle voices of each person’s penimiyus dispel all the menacing, corrupt passions of Yishmael.

Yosef Eisen

Lakewood, NJ

He Brought Down the Shechinah [Built to Last / Issue 1050]

Thanks so much for the moving tribute to my brother-in-law Eli Moshe Zimbalist Hashem yikom damo, and his mentor and close friend Aryeh Deverett.

In this week’s parshah, the midrash teaches us that the Shechinah comes down to the Mikdash because of the effort and toil of those who build it.

I am sure that the hundreds of people who daven and learn in Nofei HaShemesh benefit from the Shechinah’s presence thanks to the efforts of Aryeh and Eli Moshe.

Attached is a picture of Eli Moshe and Aryeh, installing the bimah in the shul. Eli Moshe was 14 at the time.

I think it’s also worth noting that over the past decade my in-laws have also devoted countless hours to the shul building through their work on the shul building committee.

Yaakov Wolff

Paid Service [Second Thoughts / Issue 1050]

I’m normally very impressed by the learned teachings of Rabbi Emanuel Feldman shlita. However, I have to take issue with his latest article entitled “Free for All.”

He expressed his discomfort with the advertisements from organizations offering to pray for others at kivrei tzaddikim for free, and noted with his typical wit that he was under the impression that tefillah doesn’t usually carry a price tag.

“In my naivete, I always presumed that the gates of prayer are constantly open, that no fees are required, that our Father welcomes us into His precincts and expects nothing in return except a sincere heart (and if one is so moved, an optional gift to tzedakah — but not as a quid pro quo).”

Perhaps I am missing something, but the answer to his question is that, of course, prayer is open to everyone at all times in every situation. As we say three times a day in davening (Tehillim 145:18): “Hashem is close to all who call Him, to all whose who call Him in sincerity.” There are many other pesukim and maamarei Chazal that indicate this. One can daven wherever he might be at that moment. (Rav Nachman of Breslov said that it is good to daven under the bedcovers before going to sleep at night.)

That being said, what the article was discussing was that “certain fine organizations will pray for you at the kever of tzaddikim.” Now, that is a luxury. You aren’t obligated to daven at the kivrei tzaddikim, but if you want someone to do so on your behalf then you are paying for a service. It costs time and energy for them to go and daven there on your behalf. Oftentimes, the organization has to pay people to do this for the donors; there may be a kollel of talmidei chachamim that they have to support, too.

If they decide to forgo this payment and offer it as a free service for the public, that is a nice move on their part. I cannot understand what the issue is with this publicity.

Of course, it is always good to be mechazek the importance of tefillah and its great potency, so thank you to Rabbi Feldman for doing so with his usual eloquence.

R.D.

Call for Compassion [Inbox / Issue 1049]

I’d like to respond to Suri Fogel’s letter regarding the recent True Account about the woman describing her journey healing from trauma. She was extremely upset that the author did not explicitly admit that she had been abusive to her children or discuss how she made amends.

It feels to me that Mrs. Fogel is missing the point of the account. As a trauma therapist who has worked with many such clients from abusive and neglectful backgrounds, it’s so important to realize that by the time the narrator reached out for help, she was truly depressed. She experienced real trauma from an early age and then throughout a marriage with an emotionally and verbally abusive husband, which further destroyed any sense of self.

While it’s tragic that her children grew up under such circumstances, I felt her account was a compelling testimony of the power of healing. She really put in a lot of work to heal her broken self and improve.  As I see with many clients, in order for them to become the parent they would like to be, they need to heal their own inner trauma and wounds.

At the end of her account, the narrator says, “As I look at my four grown children, the oldest of whom we just married off, I see the reflection of my journey. I want to continue to give them a home filled with love and understanding, where they can express themselves freely and talk about their own angst without fear of judgment — which they do. I want to ensure they never feel trapped as I once did.”

This means that she did indeed transform her parenting style from an abusive one to a healthy, loving one. I hope and pray that the letter writer never suffered nearly as much as the woman in the article did. If you had any normative parenting, it might be really hard to relate, and to understand how terribly fractured and abusive and terrifying it could be for a child growing up with a rageful, abusive parent.

For the sake of all those who are struggling to recover and heal, please try to be less judgmental and harsh. Try to read between the lines and see the struggle to heal and the incredible growth.

Naomi Franklin, LCSW-R

Truth or Consequences [True Account / Issue 1048]

I’m writing in response to the tragic story written by the woman who went through horrible abuse as a child. Her story is unfortunately not so unique.

It’s a tragedy on so many levels. Her father ruled the home through intimidation and abuse. Her mother cowered in his presence, with no power or ability to defend herself or protect her children from him. And the school had little knowledge of her circumstances, as she chose to hide her life from those who could have helped her — her teachers, social workers, mechaneches or any adult who could have developed a connection with her.

Her shame prevented her from saving herself.

I’m not surprised that she entered a marriage completely unprepared for what a healthy relationship looks like.

Her story is a story of classic abuse. She felt underserving of being respected, loved, and cared for. She had no understanding of what she was entitled to in a relationship and how to express her needs. She and her husband raised four children and yet barely had a relationship.

As a high school teacher myself for many years in different schools, I’ve dealt with students who were living in challenging home situations. Their pain was obvious. I tried to give them the safe space to share their stories and encouraged them to seek out qualified
therapists.

My only suggestion is that every school assign either a social worker or a trusted teacher or mechaneches to have ongoing conversations with their students. Not every student will take advantage of this opportunity but when they are ready, they might just open up and share their pain.

Hurt people hurt people and abuse affects generations, literally.

As a community, we need to destigmatize mental illness and strongly encourage parents, couples, and children to get into therapy.

People can be helped. Too many children have been through trauma caused by their parents and others. Medication is many times a game changer, and many people would greatly benefit from it, if people would be more willing to take it.

So much suffering could be alleviated. But as a community we hide from what really matters: our emotional struggles and its impact on our families.

R. Reisman

Own Your Anger [True Account / Issue 1048]

I was disappointed to read yet another abused-wife article, coming just a few weeks after the last one. While I understand the value of these types of articles, there is a downside as well, and printing them so frequently increases the negative impact: feeding sensationalism, frightening singles and young marrieds, and emphasizing dysfunction over productive support and growth.

My husband was not abusive but had a severe anger issue. Finally, after many years, he went for therapy. He met with a remarkable therapist who helped him to see where his personality and belief system were causing him to be intolerant and explosive. He is now baruch Hashem a changed man.

I would love to see such an article in Mishpacha, printed from the perspective of a therapist or a husband, about a similar situation. While few wives can successfully convince their husbands to go to therapy against their will, there are many men who would benefit from reading the message that their anger is not, in fact, caused by everyone else’s imperfection and irresponsibility, and that therapy can provide them with insight and tools that go beyond whatever mussar or self-help they might have accessed on their own.

Name Withheld

Finding Middle Ground [Inbox / Issue 1046]

Thank you, Ariella Schiller, for sparking an important discussion through your serial. I believe there is a middle way between the strong options posed in these pages about a wife’s responsibility to her husband’s spiritual growth.

I agree that your husband’s ruchniyus is not your responsibility and you definitely should not be his mashgiach. But it’s also important to realize that we have so much power when we tap into our feminine wisdom.

If your husband is struggling in some areas of Yiddishkeit, find the areas he is good at, and focus on that. Celebrate these areas outwardly, and work on deeply respecting him internally. There’s nothing more that will help your husband grow than knowing that you look up to him.

If you are worried about your children, know that the biggest gift you can give them is mutual respect between their parents.

Remember that Hashem put you in this situation for your own growth, to work on your patience and acceptance. Your growth will influence your husband and children.

And of course, don’t forget to daven!

Wishing everyone continued growth.

T. C.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1051)