“Please know, my dear sisters, that your children’s struggle can never be explained by any ingredients”

The Final Page [In Sights / Issue 1043]

I have never received as many emails, phone calls, and texts regarding any piece I’ve written for this series as I did for this last installment, titled “With His Boots On.” And I’ve never before added a postscript, but I must do so for this one.

Many talmidim of both Rav Henoch Leibowitz and Rav Scheinberg zichronam livrachah contacted me to tell me how my recollections of these gedolim’s incredible drive to keep going until the very last breath was something they also observed.

But what I want to share is what I learned from from my dear chaver, Reb Yussie Stern, who told me the original story featured about Rav Scheinberg renewing his passport and opting for the passport book with more pages, even though he was over 90 years old. He added an important postscript to the story that I must share.

A little more than a decade later, when the Rosh Yeshivah passed away, his son Rav Simcha shlita showed Yussie that the last entry stamp in the passport was on the very last page.

Indeed, Rav Scheinberg manifested this total dedication and drive until his very last day.

Rabbi Chaim Aryeh Zev Ginzberg

Struggling Supermoms [Guestlines / Issue 1044]

I am hurting. The recent column by Rabbi Kerzner called “The Most Powerful Tool to Help Our Children” took me by surprise.

I am a proud mother of several very worked-on, struggling teens and young adults. They are not talmidei chachamim… yet. However, they are the kindest and most sensitive individuals you will meet. As their mother, I was given the zechus to raise them, but I have had to work long and hard to develop a thick skin in response to the insensitive remarks I often receive.

I am blessed to have a large network of “soul sisters,” fellow mothers experiencing similar challenges in raising struggling children in today’s generation. We give each other priceless support, validation, and guidance as we journey this often lonely and painful path. We often find ourselves reassuring one another that much of what we hear from people who have never been on our journey should be disregarded or at least taken with a (very large) grain of salt.

So when I read about two ingredients for successful children in this article, and I quote: “raising good children depends on two factors,” I wondered how it could be so simple.

The article went on to highlight that the magic 50-50 formula, shalom bayis and tefillah, will yield positive results.

Based on my own life experience, hard-earned knowledge and the awareness of how incredible my soul sisters are as mothers, I have to respectfully challenge this black-and-white statement. We put so much thought and effort into every interaction with our children and as a result have become deeply worked-on as individuals. We have been told by tremendous gedolim that we specifically have been chosen for this task because Hashem trusts us with these extra special neshamos.

That being said, I’m not sure how to take the advice from this column. I am blessed to have extremely good shalom bayis, a beautiful gift from Hashem. Ingredient number one — check. I also am a very devoted davener. My Tehillim is genuinely my best friend. Ingredient number two — check.

Is there not another ingredient here? Perhaps a gezeirah from Hashem? Perhaps something in His ways that we don’t understand?

I’d also like to address a second point to my soul sisters around the world, even the ones I don’t know. I am deeply worried for those of you reading this article whose shalom bayis may not be optimal, or perhaps struggle to connect to your davening at the moment.

B’chasdei Hashem, I have these two ingredients, and my children still struggle! Please know, my dear sisters, that your children’s struggle can never be explained by any ingredients. Just as a mother with a physically ill child didn’t cause her child’s illness, do not ever think you did this.

You are a superhero! We all have matching capes that are invisible right now, but b’ezras Hashem, when Mashiach arrives b’karov and there is clarity for all the world to see, we will be there on the front lines greeting Mashiach, standing side by side with the children we parented with all the perfect ingredients.

Your Sister and Fellow Supermom

Don’t Blame the Parents [Guestlines / Issue 1044]

I was very disappointed with last week’s Guestlines. I think the article is shortsighted and might prove to be damaging to many of Mishpacha’s readers who might take the content to heart. To state that there are only two things that are needed to produce Torah-observant children is lacking an awareness of all the exposures that affect a growing child in today’s world.

Throughout childhood, a person is exposed to parents, siblings, friends, neighbors, relatives, camp counselors, teachers, and rebbeim. Each of these relationships has an effect on the child. In addition, a child’s own internal temperament can affect how he or she interprets situations throughout childhood, which in turn, can affect his or her view of Torah and Yiddishkeit.

Parents of struggling children who read this article might incorrectly blame themselves for their children’s choices, fearing that they didn’t disagree with their spouse in the “correct” way, or that they didn’t daven “in the right amount or right way.” On the flip side, there are definitely parents who have excellent shalom bayis and daven their hearts out who unfortunately have children on their own derech.

Even experts who work with families of struggling children say there is no one reason that children may leave Yiddishkeit. Articles like these written by prominent Torah authorities stigmatizes parents of struggling children. Mishpacha has a responsibility to its diverse readership to act with more sensitivity.

Liz Rothstein

Baltimore, Maryland

Hatful of Tears [Guestlines / Issue 1044]

Thank you so much for the brilliant article written by Rav Aryeh Kerzner.

He mentioned that the quote about davening for our children came from the Steipler Gaon. Here’s another powerful one. Someone once approached the Steipler seeking a segulah for successfully raising children.

The Rav responded with three simple yet profound words: “Tehillim mit trerin — Tehillim with tears.”

“I can daven and even fast, but I don’t have the ability to cry,” the man admitted.

The Steipler, unwavering in his conviction, replied, “If you cannot cry, then your wife must cry. Someone has to cry!”

This exchange underscores the unparalleled power of heartfelt prayer and genuine emotion in nurturing children’s success. It’s a poignant reminder that the deepest expressions of care and devotion — especially through tears — carry immense spiritual weight.

On a more personal note, I am an einekel of the holy Chasam Sofer, and my father used to always tell me what our illustrious zeide would say. The Sanzer Rav once visited him and was astounded by the brilliance of his son, Rav Shimon Sofer (later known as the Ksav Sofer, who succeeded his father as the rav of Pressburg). In response to the Sanzer Rav’s admiration, the Chasam Sofer removed his hat, turned it over, and remarked, “My son cost me this hat full of tears!”

This profound statement reflects the dedication, effort, and heartfelt prayers that the Chasam Sofer invested in raising and guiding his son to achieve greatness.

Y. Weinberg

Syrian Jewry’s Heroine [Reading Between the Lions / Issue 1044]

Rafi Nakash’s story about his life and escape from Syria was most interesting. However, I was surprised to read that Henry Kissinger brokered a deal with Assad in 1992 that allowed over 4,000 Jews to leave at that time. That is not factually correct.

In the 1970s, there were about 4,600 Jews living in Syria. In 1975, Judy Feld Carr, Jewish music teacher living in Toronto, learned of the plight of Syrian Jews. She was agonized by the conditions under which they were living and sprang into action, organizing an international smuggling ring to save her fellow Jews. In 1977, the first Jew got out of Syria, and this clandestine operation went on till 2001. By that time, she had brought out 3,228 Jews from Syria, from Damascus, Aleppo, and Qamishli, and only about 30 Jews remained in Syria.

Most of the Syrian Jewish refugees were resettled either in Israel, Canada or the United States. “Mrs. Judy,” as those she helped remember her, was the true savior of the modern-day Syrian Jewish community.

Arnold Recht

Toronto, Canada

Exponential Returns [For the Record / Issue 1039]

I very much enjoyed the article about Jacob Schiff and his effect on Japanese-Jewish relations in the December 4 issue and would like to add a few thoughts on this topic.

Many feel that the Trans-Siberian railroad, which facilitates transport from Russia to Japan, was truly from Hashem, as it was built before the time of the Mir’s journey. The shul that was empty and ready for the Mir talmidim is another sign of Hashem’s Hashgachah.

In general, the Japanese care for and attitude toward the Jews who came to Japan during World War II was astonishing, considering that they were allies with the Germans, who pushed the Japanese officials to adopt the German treatment of the Jews. As the column discussed, this latter point may also have its roots in Jacob Schiff’s financial help to Japan in the Russo-Japanese war of 1904-1905. In his book The Money Kings, Daniel Schulman writes about the lives and the era of the German-Jewish financiers who came to America and were successful on a grand scale and discusses this in detail.

As an addendum to your article, I’d like to share the story of a Jewish American army chaplain who visited Japan in the 1970s. Upon arriving at a small village, he was initially tormented by the inhabitants. But when he told them he was an American Jew, their response was to reference Jacob Schiff, whereupon they became friendly and welcoming. The long arm of Schiff’s aid to Japan extended to the World War II era and beyond.

J.L., Jerusalem

Been There, Done That [Picture This serial]

Dear Estee,

After close to three years of marriage, I’ve learned a few tips and tricks for shalom bayis. Although my parents gave me an excellent example of a beautiful, harmonious marriage, figuring out my own marriage was difficult. I sought out all the shalom bayis advice I could, and I learned two tips I think you might find helpful.

One: Your husband’s ruchniyus is not your business. That includes his learning, his davening, and what time he gets up in the morning. It’s just none of your business — don’t notice it and don’t think about it. Just dig your head in the sand and remind yourself how much he does for you. Would you like it if he started asking you if you davened that day or if you said any Tehillim?

The second tip, something I heard from Rebbetzin Wachsman, is that you need to make yourself happy first, so that your husband can make you happier. You seem to be a little too dependent on your husband, to the point that you were annoyed when he asked to go play basketball with his friends. When was the last time you went out with a friend, just for fun?

Also, you need to go back to your job. I don’t know why no one else is worried about your finances, but I am. You should be making as much money as you can this first year and saving up while you don’t have many expenses, because once you have a baby, the money will start going much quicker. This will solve a few problems: Your financial situation will improve; you’ll have a social outlet, which will make you less dependent on your husband; and being busy and productive will distract you from your nausea.

You can start a photography business after hours, and if it picks up, you can reduce your work hours until the parnassah from the business is enough to rely on. But quitting your job and starting a brand-new business with very little experience and connections is a really bad idea.

Also, if your husband opens up to you about how marriage is hard but it’s a beautiful thing to build a life together, don’t start nitpicking about him leaving his dishes in the sink and getting up on time in the morning. Would you like it if he focused on all your flaws? Start noticing all the good parts about him, and let his flaws fade into the background. He seems like a really great guy for putting up with your over-inflated expectations. Maybe go a little easier on him.

Sincerely,

A Concerned Reader

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1045)