“Unfortunately, even most mental health master’s programs do not teach about spousal abuse”

Missing the Signs [Guestlines / Issue 1043]

Rabbi Paysach Krohn wrote a beautiful article about the proper way to do bikur cholim. Yet what jumped out at me more than the points he made was the manner in which he expressed himself. His good middos were on display throughout the article, so much so that the reader might have been unaware that it was a mussar piece. Unlike some other articles with dos and don’ts that can come across as a bit demanding and entitled, his messages were delivered sweetly to maximize their soft landing.

On another note, in the Picture This serial which I’m thoroughly enjoying, I was struck by the scene in which Estee consults Rebbetzin Weiss. The total abuse and dysfunction intake consists of asking 22-year-old Estee, “There is no abuse or dysfunction here, correct?”

To all the therapists, rebbetzins, and kallah teachers out there: I’m begging you to never conduct an intake this way. (Sorry, Rabbi Krohn — there must have been a better way to say that.) Although there is, in fact, no abuse or dysfunction here, Estee wouldn’t know if there was. Victims of abuse may have experienced psychological abuse and gaslighting — lying to the victim to make her doubt herself. It can take many sessions with a seasoned therapist to deprogram the victim. So if Estee was experiencing abuse, her answer would probably still have been no.

And while rebbetzins and kallah teachers are not mental health professionals, unfortunately, even most mental health master’s programs do not teach about spousal abuse, not even with elective classes; nor is it a continuing education requirement for mental health professionals in most states (Massachusetts and Washington excepted).

Without this training, even an extremely well-meaning and otherwise highly trained mental health professional may not be well-positioned to support a client who is already experiencing abuse. The signs can be missed, there may not be an assessment, it may never come up in conversation, and if it does, a therapist may be unable to support this vulnerable client in a safe, professional manner. Certainly, the signs of a future abusive relationship can be missed.

To address this, I’ve designed programming for therapists and other people who work with young women to help them assess if they are in healthy early dating relationships. For more information, I can be contacted via Mishpacha.

Mrs. Ilana Orange, LCSW

Minority Solidarity [The Right Spice / Issue 1043]

I wanted to comment on the lead of the article about Hungarian Rabbi Shlomo Koves which stated: “And being friends with the prime minister who locked the borders against Islamic immigration, hasn’t hurt either.”

I believe that the phrasing is unfortunate. The writer can get his point across without singling out a particular religion. How would we feel if a non-Jewish magazine praised a leader for keeping Jews out of his country?

Of course, it’s to Mr. Orban’s great credit that he looks favorably upon the Jews in his country. However, as Jews, we must acknowledge that we will never be the majority in any country other than Israel. As such, we should advocate for the fair and equal treatment of all minority groups. If we don’t, who is to say that the next leader won’t favor Muslims over Jews?

Yehuda Joseph

New City, NY

Stymied [Perspectives / Issue 1042]

I read Rabbi Bane’s article with great interest, and first want to take the opportunity to publicly express my hakaras hatov to the OU Women’s Initiative. Doing Nach Yomi with the Women’s Initiative has been a truly transformative experience, not just for me, but for my kids as well. And I’ve been moved to tears on a Women’s Initiative Tehillim Zoom call that was organized just hours prior, which was fully maxed out at 1,000 participants (on a Friday, no less!).

However, I feel that the impact of such programs can only go so far. As Rabbi Bane mentioned, women, perhaps even more than men, would thrive from joining a chevreh that focuses together on growing in avodas Hashem. Rabbi Bane mentions that funding is a problem — I would argue that this is only part of the problem. As a mother of several small children holding down a full-time job with a husband in kollel (and the same would hold true for a working man with a serious commitment to learning night seder), it seems almost impossible to make this happen.

I live in a community that has fantastic women’s programming — periodic chesed opportunities at night, guest speakers that are open to both men and women, small chaburahs for women during the day, and more. But I find it nearly impossible to actually go to any of them.

Night activities or shiurim mean finding a babysitter, which would wreak havoc on my kids’ bedtime. Daytime opportunities overlap with my work hours.

I understand that this stage of life will not last forever and my days are filled with other opportunities for avodas Hashem. Still, like we would never tell a man who is working to support his family, “This is your avodah right now, so no need to go to shiurim or get any chizuk,” I’m wondering how our community can best support women in my demographic.

Zoom meetings are definitely better than nothing. In addition to the wonderful events that the OU Women’s Initiative puts together, a discussion of women’s adult education and community building would be incomplete without mentioning Faigie Zelcer’s fantastic Penimi/Linkup program. I personally participate in a Linkup chaburah over Zoom with a small group of like-minded women spread across the country. But to be perfectly honest, a one-hour Zoom meeting a couple of times a month is not going to cut it for many women. The benefit of in-person interaction is many times more valuable than a virtual connection.

I would love to come up with some sort of solution for this demographic — from my conversations with others, it seems like it’s desperately needed. I’d love to talk more if anyone has any suggestions.

S.D.

It Can Be Done [Perspectives / Issue 1042]

I want to thank Rabbi Moshe Bane for bringing up the issue of continued growth opportunities for women.

I second what Rabbi Bane said about this important issue being overlooked. Women’s programming is not only overlooked. It often lacks a draw, is too sporadic, and often does not build a connection with other like-minded women or with a mentor.

To address these concerns, a group of women founded Elevate in Baltimore, MD.

The goal at Elevate is to keep women inspired and connected to Hashem and Yiddishkeit through giving them connections to other frum women and mentors in an environment where they are excited to go  every week. We have over 100 women attending small weekly chaburahs that are limited to ten to 12 women in order to build a connection to each other and to a mentor.

We also run larger events throughout the year with inspiration as well as food or activity, to give a wider audience of women a nice evening out and to encourage them to join the weekly groups. The feedback from those attending has been amazing and we see that there is a real desire for these kinds of programs.

Rabbi Bane also mentions the issue of funding for these programs. Our program is set up in a way that it is mostly self-sustainable, but we do agree that with more funding, we could grow faster and reach more women. I would be happy to share more information with anyone interested in starting a similar program in their community, and can be reached via Mishpacha.

Sara Strobel

Founder and Director, Elevate 

Baltimore, MD

Inspiration at Stake [Voice in the Crowd / Issue 1042]

While I have the utmost respect for Rabbi Besser, his honesty, work, and humility, I feel the need to react on a side remark he made in his most recent piece.

He says, “If the pasuk is too complex or intricate then it’s okay to surgically replace them with easier Hebrew or English ones ’cuz it’s all about inspiring people.”

Having composed many songs myself which I have no hope of getting out there because they are much too old style — as one person told me, “It sounds too much like Reb Moshe Goldman” — I can definitely appreciate his frustration.

However, as he himself writes, “’Cuz it’s all about inspiring people.” Well, yes, from a Jewish perspective music has one purpose only, and that is to inspire people! As Rabbi Besser noted, times have changed, but I object to the whiff of condescension, like a six-year-old boy making fun of a four-year-old for getting excited about finishing the alef-beis.

To inspire people today one has to speak directly to their hearts, bypassing the brain. Hence the Yiddish or English words, which have more meaning to most people. As they don’t have to actively think about what the words mean, they just let them sink in.

In earlier years people may have had a greater ability to be inspired through the pesukim themselves, the meaning of the words alone enough to move them. Sadly, for the most part today that is not the case, and a simpler explanation is needed in order to give over that message.

The message is the same, the goal is the same, and music in essence is a means to this goal. Whatever the structure of these means, it is to be lauded and encouraged!

C.A. Leitner

The Path Not Taken [Double Take / Out of Sorts – Issue 1042]

I’m responding to the Double Take story regarding the school that must establish a new class based on family hashkafah.

The issue is complex. On the one hand, I really do sympathize with parents’ desire to shelter their kids. Technology has wreaked such havoc on frum society. It seems right that these parents should be able to choose not to expose their kids to technology they deem inappropriate.

On the other hand, I think the way the school went about this was callous and unfair. Girls are so fragile at this age. If a school chooses to take this course, it should only be done for younger students, maybe fourth or fifth grade and down.

Additionally, it sounds like the yeshivish parents are new to the community and chose to move there even though the crowd is diverse. They have somewhat of a responsibility toward the new community they have chosen. They do benefit from the existence of the current school, shuls, and other amenities that they did not help to establish. Thus, they should be able to accept this compromise over complete purity. It sounds like opening a new school would adversely affect everyone since there aren’t the resources to go around.

Personally, I went to a fabulous Modern Orthodox school with teachers who inspired me to live a more committed life than a lot of my peers. I was the only one to choose a Bais Yaakov-style high school. The trajectory of my life (and my children’s and please G-d, down the line) would have looked much different had I taken a different path. It’s sad to think that this would not be as possible nowadays.

Anonymous

Boca Raton, FL

Keep the Mix [Double Take / Out of Sorts – Issue 1042]

I very much enjoy the Double Take stories and feel that you do a superb job portraying both perspectives. However, in the most recent article, I was unable to understand the principal’s point at all.

I myself grew up in a big, out-of-town city and attended a community school from age four to 18. My school had girls from across the spectrum of Yiddishkeit, with very sheltered girls whose fathers were in klei kodesh learning alongside girls from more modern backgrounds with more exposure to the outside world. My school, which had several parallel classes per grade, carefully arranged each class with a beautiful balance of girls from all different backgrounds. Several girls from more modern backgrounds befriended girls from more yeshivish backgrounds and really grew in their Yiddishkeit because of this. I personally know several such girls who are now married to men learning in kollel.

Does this principal in the story understand how much growth she is preventing? And as far as being concerned that the more yeshivish girls would be influenced negatively, again, I can only draw on my experience. I don’t feel I was exposed to anything detrimental.

Yes, girls in my grade received smartphones in sixth grade; but neither my friends nor I felt pressure to get any sort of phone until we got our licenses in 11th grade. The girls who watched movies wouldn’t talk about this stuff to girls who weren’t exposed to this. We would go to each other’s houses often, but I don’t think anyone would ever turn on their TV or watch something if the other girl wasn’t that type.

I want to add one more point. I can imagine that after 120, my principals will come up to Shamayim and be rewarded for thousands of mitzvos done by the girls who changed their lifestyle for the better, and their doros after them. But a principal who separates these girls by type will see the zechusim of the Torah learning, tzniyus, and growth that she could have been granted, if only….

Name Withheld

Start Living [Works for Me / Issue 1041]

I wanted to respond to the questioner who said she didn’t want to become a career woman while she waited for her shidduch.

While I got married young, I faced the same dilemma after I got married… waiting for children. And now that I have children, I have the same question, while I wait for my husband to overcome his depression and figure out how to support our family, wondering if I should step up to the plate somewhat while he figures things out.

I identify with the feeling of, “Maybe tomorrow someone will pull through for me, so how can I choose now?”

But while it makes sense to take the frum lifestyle into account when making a decision (i.e., you probably don’t want to become a full-blown career woman), remember that you don’t need to wait for someone to pull through for you to start living and enjoying life. Hashem has already pulled through for you by giving you many talents, abilities, opportunities, learning experiences, and ways to help people.

If making money isn’t high on your priority list, you can find other ways to fill your time, maybe by volunteering. Or maybe start some kind of creative business as a side job. It will give you fulfillment and extra money, strengthen your community ties, and won’t make you look like a career woman.

I’m sure you can think of your own solutions; the idea is to let go of the focus on the impression you’re making with the job you pick and instead focus on putting relationships first. The right guy will be interested in your personal journey, and as long as it isn’t something glaringly over-the-top, it’s hard to make a “wrong” choice that will nix the right type of boy.

And don’t underestimate the fact that if you’re in a job that puts you in a bad mood, or you’re not using your potential and are feeling stifled, that will reflect poorly on shidduchim as well!

Wishing you (and me!) hatzlachah,

Name Withheld

Halachic Clarification [For the Record / Issue 1041]

I read the history article by Dovi Safier and Yehuda Geberer where they wrote that the cholents would be left in the local bakery, and children would carry the pots home even though there was no eiruv.

The following week, I read the letter by Reb Pesach Porush where he made a number of arguments claiming it can’t be that people relied on this system, as it goes against halachah. He expresses his concern that it could mislead people in the halachos of asking children to do issurim on Shabbos.

I am a close talmid of Hagaon Rav Yitzchak Berkovits shlita and head of the Kinyan Hilchos Shabbos program, teaching hilchos Shabbos to men and women, and I’d like to further this discussion.

While I agree with Rabbi Porush’s assertion that people could be misled, nevertheless I respectfully disagree with a number of points that he made.

1. He writes that one can only ask a child to do an issur if the child is doing it for himself, but not if he’s under the impression that the adults want it done.
2. He then writes that even when the melachah is done for the sake of the child, it’s only mutar for a child under the age of chinuch. He asserts that most poskim hold that the age of chinuch is three, noting that a child that age surely could not have carried a cholent home. (He directs us to Mishnah Berurah siman 343, but the Mishnah Berurah there doesn’t say anything about the age of chinuch for issurim.)
3. He assumes that it’s never mutar to ask a child above the age of chinuch to do an issur, even for himself.
4. Based on all this, he assumes that historically it can’t be that this happened at all.

Here are my points of disagreement:

1. If the child will benefit from the melachah as well as the parent, then it is permitted to ask the child to do it. This is proven from the Biur Halachah siman 343, Dh: Midivrei Sofrim, where he cites Rabi Akiva Eiger who permits asking a child to bring a siddur where there is no eiruv even though the father wants it, as long as the child also uses it. Similarly, in the case of the cholent, the child benefits along with the adults, as he can now eat the cholent.
2. With regard to Rabbi Porush’s assertion that the age of chinuch is three, I think that is not totally accurate. There is no specific age; rather we determine the age of chinuch by when the child can understand the concept of issurim on Shabbos, normally between four to six.
3. More significantly, his assumption that there is no heter to ask a child above the age of chinuch to do a melachah is also contradicted by the aforementioned Biur Halachah, as the heter is with regard to a child who can read from a siddur — a boy who can read from a siddur is surely above the age of chinuch.

(See Children in Halachah, by Rav Simcha Bunim Cohen, p.69, Footnote 6, where he writes that the child is nine years old. He then cites an argument if one can ask a child above the age of chinuch to do a melachah, but l’maaseh, the Biur Halachah does bring this opinion and would seem to rely on it in a makom mitzvah. Surely, having cholent for the seudah also constitutes a makom mitzvah.)

4. I assume that the historical fact that children would do this is correct. In those times, if people didn’t have ovens and there was no eiruv, then their only options were to have cold food, ask a non-Jew, or ask a child to carry the cholent. As asking a non-Jew was not practical, their only option to have hot food was to rely on the above leniencies.

As the Rosh writes, Klal Yisrael were adukim b’mitzvos oneg Shabbos, and as my rebbi, Rav Berkovits, points out, there are a number of big leniencies in the minhagim observed by the Rema in hilchos shehiyah and chazarah because it was very hard to have hot food. Baruch Hashem we don’t need to rely on such leniencies today, but in those times, where there was no other option, they did have what to rely on.

Rabbi Yehonasan Gefen

Rosh Kinyan Hilchos Shabbos

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1044)