“You are not failing at adulthood, even though you have not yet managed to buy and renovate a house”

Our Children See Our Hypocrisy [Guestlines / Issue 1037]

The article by Rabbi Kerzner about the importance of chesed at home was truly phenomenal. This piece highlights, in such a gentle tone, how easy it is for people to appear to the world as the nicest people, yet in the confines of their homes lash out at their spouse and kids, knowing that they can get away with it. Our kids see right through our hypocrisy. If you have pleasant and tolerant Shabbos tables when guests visit, yet are brazen, irritable, and apathetic when eating just with your family, the children may come to resent you. It turns out that if the very chesed the person does for people outside the home triggers resentment in the hearts of the person’s loved ones, the noble intent to be kind to others can backfire in a dangerous way. May we learn this crucial lesson of “chesed begins at home,” and consequently merit to see only nachas from all of our children.

Yitzy Stern

Heartfelt at Home [Guestlines / Issue 1037]

Thank you so much for the fantastic article by Rav Aryeh Kerzner about the community-family balance. It was so powerful to hear about the struggle between giving attention to one’s family and giving quality time to the community.

I would like to add an element to this conversation that was not addressed in the article. Rav Kerzner beautifully explained that the main reason people have difficulty helping out at home, being nice to their spouse, taking care of their children, is because no one on the outside sees the chesed done in the confines of one’s home, so the pressure to perform simply doesn’t apply. You can take liberties at home because you won’t be held to account by the world.

However, there is perhaps a simple explanation for people slacking off at home, as opposed to out in the world. It is so easy for the chores, the responsibilities, and the chasadim that one does at home to become routine and turn stale. The chesed done at home is meant to be done so consistently that it is at risk of becoming rote, and lost in the shuffle.

Maybe all that is needed is for us to tackle the systematic chesed done at home, by turning it from mechanical chesed to heartfelt and refreshed chesed.

Name Withheld

Seminary Girls Objectified [Double Take / Issue 1037]

I was deeply offended by the recent Double Take about a woman frustrated that her sister-in-law in seminary was doing chesed at a cousin rather than at her house. I think it was deplorable how the women in the story were talking about seminary girls, as if they were objects and not human beings. These moms seem to lose sight of the humanity of the girls here. They referred to “getting a girl” like she is a piece of property, and not a woman like them, just younger. “My seminary girl” isn’t a proper way to refer the nice seminary student who volunteers her time to help out your family. She should be respectfully referred to by her given name. Maybe I am extra sensitive as my own sweet daughter is attending seminary this year and is enjoying her time with her chesed family. It would break my heart to know that young mothers living in Israel are talking about my daughter and her friends in this way. I request that everyone show more respect to seminary girls in the future both in their speech and in their actions.

Liz Rothstein

Baltimore, Maryland

Piece de Resistance  [Your Harmony I Long / Issue 1037]

As a child soloist at Agudah “Nite of Stars,” I was always interested in music. But it was in my capacity as a codirector and singer on the Pirchei records that I was first introduced to Yigal Calek, when we were both performing at Brooklyn College in 1972.

Fast forward 50 years to June 2021, when we became mechutanim. His grandson Yitzi married my granddaughter Ayala. The Covid wedding took place in Cyprus and as neither of us were able to attend, we sufficed with a congratulatory call via WhatsApp.

Fast forward three years and our young couple, now living in Antwerp, had their second boy. The piece de resistance is that their new baby was named Yigal Yisroel, two hours before his great-grandfather’s burial. Yehi zichro baruch.

Menachim Shimanowitz

You’re Not Failing [Kichels / Issue 1037]

To my fellow cave-dweller, Chaykie,

You are not failing at adulthood, even though you have not yet managed to buy and renovate a house. In fact, you and I are doing an exceptional job at adulting! I’m still living in a basement in Lakewood with a husband and four kids, and like you, feel that everyone around me has somehow figured out a way to move along to a house.

But we didn’t receive any yerushah, there’s no magic great-uncle somewhere gifting us a down payment, and our parents and in-laws are wealthy in many ways, just not in cash.

I get it, Chaykie, that stuck, claustrophobic feeling that comes from living underground, that you’re not totally accepted, and you have that not-really-part-of-the-block feeling that comes when you poke your head aboveground and attempt to join in things.

But here’s why you and I are doing a great job at adulting. We’ve made the financial decision to stay in a basement a bit longer because we simply can’t responsibly afford a mortgage now. That’s a brutally hard, but very adult decision to make!

We will not jump into buying a house knowing that we can’t pull it off, even though we so much need to get out of our cave. Friends of mine who’ve taken on a bigger mortgage than they can chew don’t sleep at night. So please rest easy, Chaykie, in the knowledge that right now you are exactly where you’re meant to be, you are being a fiscally responsible adult, and im yirtzeh Hashem, Hashem will somehow, somewhere send us both a house.

And if not, then when your oldest starts dating, you can always send the other kids up to the landlord to hang out when the bochur comes round to pick up your daughter.

G.L.

Seeds Planted [Southern Sanctuary / Issue 1037]

Much thanks for the fascinating look into the chassidish/heimish community of Argentina. It would be remiss if we didn’t mention that the seeds of this community were planted by Rav Amrom Blum (whose shtadlanus with the Peron regime was legendary), and Rav Yosef Oppenheimer (an alumnus of Kelm). Due to Rav Oppenheimer’s efforts and the generosity of the Eisenberg and Weiser families, a proper mikveh was constructed in the 1950s. Rabbi Oppenheimer went on to found Kehillas Achdus Yisroel, which is still in existence today and his son, Rav Daniel, and his son-in-law, Rav Shlomo Ben Chamu, are prominent Rabbanim there today.

Eli Neuberger

Baltimore, MD

We Need to Have the Teachers’ Backs [Inbox / Issue 1036]

In the letter, “Yeshivos, Take Note,” in response to the feature article about ADHD expert Rabbi Dr. Nachi Felt, a reader wrote that we need to train teachers to deal with ADHD, “ensuring that teachers are held accountable for implanting these strategies,” and that instead of investing so much support for teens at risk we should invest in more challenging children when they are young.

As a mechanech for years, I would like to add and make clear from experience:

Every teacher does the best he can to help every student in the class — from the most brilliant to the most challenging — succeed in every aspect. However, parents and principals have to understand that a classroom can’t function without discipline and derech eretz, and that these challenging children often disturb or destroy the classroom discipline. Every teacher tries his best to control the class and to encourage the students to overlook the disturbances these children cause, while simultaneously trying to get these special students motivated and involved so that they, too, succeed.

The only way the teacher can succeed at this is if the parents and the principal support him and find practical solutions for the child’s erratic behavior when having the child in the classroom becomes too difficult.

It’s very painful that in a lot of cases when this situation arises, the attitude toward the rebbi is, “You figure out how to deal with this challenge,” or, “Last year’s teacher had no problem,” or the very holy, “He is a neshamah, it’s your achrayus.” This means the only solution the teacher has is to let the difficult child do what he wants, usually outside in the hallway.

The teacher knows that if he clashes with this child or his parents, nobody in the administration will back him up, and he could lose his job, so he just makes sure this student is out of the way. It’s these students who end up at risk, something that could have been prevented had their teachers had support from the hanhalah and assistance in developing strategies to help these students succeed.

A Mechanech Striving to Help Your Kids

His Respect for His Rebbi [For All and Forever / Issue 1036]

“Rabbi B., you’re the one who we thank for all the fun, Rabbi B….” This chant has been in my head after reading the article about Rabbi Moshe Blaustein z”l. As a proud CAT (Camp Agudah Toronto) camper for many summers, thinking about summer doesn’t just mean thinking about Agudah, it means thinking about Rabbi B. This brings back a lot of fond and fun memories of camp. I remember how Rabbi B. came into the dining room in a bathing suit, goggles and all (including a pool noodle) to break out the grand trip to Fallsview Waterpark in Niagara; the way he acted in the cantata, which made it so real; the Tishah B’Av stories he told to the younger bunks on the rock outside the shul as the counselors finished kinnos; the morning wake-up shows (if you are lazy, you are crazy); the Shabbos zemiros; and of course, the legendary way that Rabbi B. would announce the winner of Color War (the winning team of Color War Tav Shin Ayin Ches is the team of… Shacharis tomorrow nine o’clock… The team of… immediate curfew…).

But the biggest lesson that I learned was from watching Rabbi Blaustein be mevatel himself in front of his rebbi, Rabbi Avrohom Turin zt”l, and to daas Torah in general. The first summer that Rav Turin wasn’t able to be in camp, he came up for a Shabbos. It was amazing to watch the excitement Rabbi Blaustein had as he mobilized the whole camp for a kabbalas panim to welcome him.

There is one specific story that stands out in my mind. One summer, Color War breakout involved the surprise “engagement” of one of the staff members. The “chassan” came into the dining room in a golf cart with light and sirens, and then the “kallah” (a staff member) followed, roaring in on a motorcycle, dressed in a dress and a wig. After Color War was broken out, Rabbi Blaustein got up in front of the whole dining room to clarify that what was done was not according to the psak the camp received. They were told that a boy can dress up as the kallah if he wears one begged ishah. However, the “kallah” came in wearing both a wig and a dress, which was a mistake. I have always been impressed how Rabbi Blaustein made sure to get up publicly, in middle of the excitement of Color War breakout, to make sure that no one left the dining room thinking that this was permissible. Yehi zichro baruch.

Name Withheld

Rose’s Spot-On Predictions  [Epic Clash / Issue 1034]

As the election results were coming in, I just happened to have an issue of the magazine in front of me. In it, Binyamin Rose predicted that Trump would win with 296 to 312 electoral votes, and that the Republicans would win the Senate 52-48 or 53-47.

I have one basic question for Mishpacha readership. Why must we resort to pollsters with their spotty predictions when we have our in-house expert Binyamin Rose?

Shmuel Scheller

Not Only the Wife’s Fault [Calligraphy / Issue 1033]

It’s been a few weeks since Succos, but I still wanted to comment about something that has been bothering me about the story, “To the Rescue” by Ariella Schiller. As usual, Ariella’s characters are so realistic, you could almost feel you had met them in the flesh. That’s why it bothers me that Shosh, the wife in the story, blames herself for her husband’s chronic unavailability. Lots of women do that, so it was a very believable conclusion for the story.

I agree that we should each take responsibility for our own behavior and recognize dynamics we may be perpetuating. However, it seems to be popular to make the woman responsible for the sum total success of the marriage. Maybe this explains the popularity of certain marriage coaching approaches for women, such as Laura Doyle and all the many related spin-offs.

In reality, both husband and wife are responsible for their marriage together. I wish the story would have reflected that better.

Name Withheld

Out-Of-Towners Want You [Opening the Books / Issue 1030]

I very much enjoyed Mrs. Edelstein’s tuition piece and the follow-up conversation. She mentioned that one out-of-town community didn’t want people moving in, as the locals would then get less benefits. In discussion with many out-of-town communities, I actually have heard the opposite. The vibrant out-of-town communities want to remain vibrant and also have full classes. When there are parallel classes and each has 15 students, or a single class has that number, the tuition can only stretch that much. From a financial perspective, they want robust classes, with the ideal number around 20.

If you are considering moving out of town, keep on pursuing your dream, as many cities would be thrilled to have you join their growth. I have friends in Waterbury, Cincinnati, and North Miami Beach who moved from Lakewood and couldn’t be happier with their decision.

D.A.

Hashem Runs the Finances [Opening the Books / Issue 1030]

Baruch Hashem, together with a partner, I have had the zechus of running an out-of-town mesivta for over 15 years. From the beginning we made the decision that we are not a business and that it doesn’t make sense to squeeze parents for an extra $800 a year. Of course, we ask for basic information when parents apply for a scholarship, but ultimately if parents say they can’t afford X, we go with it. Baruch Hashem, we have seen many nissim, with money coming from places we didn’t expect, such as the family of a former student who wanted to sponsor a yearly scholarship, or alumni who give back unsolicited. We feel the more we act like HaKadosh Baruch Hu runs the finances, the more we see the Yad Hashem. Li hakesef v’Li hazahav, neum Hashem Tzevakos.

Name Withheld

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1038)