“The sad reality is that when you defend the indefensible, you lose your credibility when it comes to other issues as well”

We All Need Time to Cook [Opening the Books / Issue 1030]

I greatly appreciated Mrs. Heyman’s sensitive, articulate, and very enlightening chart exploring some of the frictions and misunderstandings that arise between parents and school administrations. It was extremely helpful and thought-provoking to see the various perspectives on the hot-button issues. Hopefully, some of the points she made can help us achieve mutual respect and understanding.

The project was so well-done that I found it all the more perplexing that she included a defense for schools giving several days off before Succos with the claim that “teachers need more than four hours to cook for Yom Tov.” The explanation she provided didn’t justify the vacation days at all. The sad reality is that when you defend the indefensible, you lose your credibility when it comes to other issues as well. This was a perfect example.

It’s true that teachers need more than four hours to cook for Yom Tov. Guess what? So do accountants, babysitters, nurses, computer programmers, and graphic designers — all of whom are commonly found among the mothers of today’s students. None of these mothers, however, expect to be given three to four extra days off before the many vacation days they will take for Yom Tov.

So you probably wonder, how do they possibly manage to do all that Yom Tov cooking? Especially when, as Mrs. Heyman points out, takeout is expensive and the cheaper dishes usually involve more labor-intensive preparation (a budgetary reality that doesn’t only apply to teachers).

I’ll tell you how, since the school administrations and teacher seem to have a hard time figuring this one out. The organized ones among them start cooking in the summer, putting away a few items in their freezer whenever they have a free afternoon, evening, or hour. Others manage to put up an extra batch of challah during their weekly Shabbos prep during the month of Elul, or increase the amount of soup or dessert they make. The ones who thrive on last-minute energy do some late-night cooking sprees right before Yom Tov (yes, they come to work pretty tired the next day — that’s why Hashem invented coffee). Some even cook on Yom Tov itself.

All of these are valid options. All get the job done. And guess what? All are equally applicable to teachers.

Not only that: When schools give a few days off before Succos, that means little kids are home, bored, hungry, and lacking structure. This goes for teachers’ little kids, too. The setup is not very conducive for the intense cooking and baking sessions that go into Yom Tov. So no one gains from the vacation days — not even the teachers.

We all want our schools to succeed, and we all respect our teachers for the vital work they do. And it’s illuminating and helpful to hear how they see some of these issues. So I did appreciate Mrs. Heyman’s chart. But this argument was, to be mild, a ridiculous justification for an unjustifiable practice. And it made me that much less receptive to the rest of the claims she made.

Name Withheld

Save the Gifts [Opening the Books / Issue 1030]

Thank you, Mishpacha, for clearly covering the tuition crisis. I enjoyed the back and forth and was enlightened in many areas. Thank you to Mrs. Ahuva Heyman for the clear chart explaining many of the expenses.

As parents who happily and proudly pay full tuition and then some, I’d like to point out one expense on the schools’ part that really isn’t necessary. That is the hakaras hatov gifts to donors. We don’t need acrylic simanim cards for Rosh Hashanah, artisanal donuts for Chanukah, an elaborate mishloach manos, vintage wines for Pesach, or cheesecake for Shavuos. We are happy to give to our children’s mosdos and the ones we graduated from without receiving gifts in return. If you’d like to show hakaras hatov, you can pick up the phone or write a quick handwritten note (to save on the ink).

C.B.

Monsey, N.Y.

Sweet Memories [Guestlines / Issue 1030}

The article by Rabbi Dovid Gernetz on the source for dipping an apple in honey on Rosh Hashanah reminded me of my own sweet beginnings as a teacher in Bnos Leah Prospect Park Yeshiva (a.k.a. “Bloppy”).

Our revered dean, Rabbi Avraham Kelman ztz”l, was accustomed to walk the hallways, survey the classrooms, visit for a bit of nachas, and I believe, touch base with the students. I was in the midst of teaching a Navi lesson in Sefer Shmuel I, perek 14. Yehonasan, son of King Shaul, has just saved Bnei Yisrael from the Pelishtim by surprise attack. During Yehonasan’s retreat, he comes across a honeycomb in a field and dips his staff into the honey to taste it and rejuvenate himself.

Unbeknownst to him, Shaul has declared a fast and sentenced anyone who eats on this day to immediate death. Rabbi Kelman asked the stumped students (and teacher) why Yehonasan should be exonerated. Students gave the usual answers, that Yehonasan didn’t know about the fast, he was just tasting the honey and not really “eating” it, he had just saved Klal Yisrael and it would be kafui tov for what he had done for the nation.

I remember clearly Rabbi Kelman saying that this exact war had occurred on Rosh Hashanah. As Bnei Yisrael were agreeable to be podeh Yehonasan for tasting the honey, and absolve him of a terrible decree, we too are dipping into the honey, reminding HaKadosh Baruch Hu of this loophole, with the hope that just as Yehonasan’s honey helped turn a bitter judgment sweet, so should we be spared.

And as far as apples are concerned… A friend once quoted a shiur that referred to Shir Hashirim. An apropos reference, as this time of year the words “Ani l’dodi v’dodi li” are a heartfelt expression of our connection to HaKadosh Baruch Hu. Pesukim such as “tachas hatapuach orarticha,” “k’tapuach b’atzei haya’ar kein dodi,” and “v’reiach apecha k’tapuchim” can all be good reasons for dipping apples in honey during this auspicious time.

Sweet memories and beginnings indeed!

Michali Weissmandl,

Ramat Beit Shemesh

Lessons for Building a Marriage [Picture This serial]

Thank you for all the hard work you put into creating such beautiful magazines for us to enjoy over Yom Tov.

I’m really enjoying your serial Picture This. It’s really helpful to bring issues in our society to the forefront of our minds so that we can discuss them in a permissible way. If it were a true story, discussing it would be lashon hara and rechilus.

I feel strongly that the mother-in-law is meddling in the couple’s life and causing friction between them. It’s wonderful that, as a mother, she wants to help her children. However, she’s going about it the wrong way. The best way for parents to help their children is to give them the encouragement they need as they build their independent relationship with their spouses.

Instead of swooping in to “save the day” for her daughter, the mom could simply ask her daughter or son-in-law what she can do to help and respect their wishes. If she notices her daughter is not feeling well, she can be encouraging without being nosy. Even if the mom is astute enough to notice her daughter isn’t feeling well and assumes she’s expecting, she doesn’t have to make it obvious that she knows. She can just be sympathetic and helpful. Sending over a gift card to a takeout place or offering to drop off Shabbos food would be very different from inserting oneself into the role of caretaker. This is a wonderful opportunity that Hashem gave this couple, for the husband to be the caretaker and support for his wife.

Additionally, the young wife should not have shared her situation with her mom. Either Estee could state that she is not feeling well and let her mom draw her own conclusions, or she could explain to Yonah why it’s so hard for her to keep this from her parents and ask him if he would allow her to tell her parents. Yonah would likely agree, as long as she agreed that he could tell his parents. And then the couple would have learned the art of compromise, which is crucial for the success of any marriage or long-term relationship.

Additionally, it’s extremely out of place for the mom to tell her son-in-law that her daughter is “doing much too much.” Her daughter chose to marry a young man who is currently in kollel and took on the responsibility of working to support (or partially support) this. Estee has been sick and canceled her clients, she has been resting and refraining from cooking or housework. She has been focusing on growing a baby, which is very important work. But to say she is doing “too much” is absurd. She has taken a break from all her other responsibilities.

If, chas v’shalom, Estee has HG or some other serious condition that can occur during pregnancy, then obviously Estee and Yonah will need more support from their parents and will need to share their situation with them. But barring a serious complication, this is a beautiful opportunity for the couple to build their relationship and for the parents to give them the space to do so.

The real issue here is boundaries. Estee needs to understand that this type of decision (to tell parents private news) needs to be made together with her husband. And the mom needs to understand that her job is to respect the couple, and daven for them and offer help, without imposing herself.

This is a great opportunity for everyone who sees themselves in any of the characters to re-evaluate and see what they can learn from seeing this situation from another point of view.

Meredith Benschar

Clifton, NJ

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1033)