“After reading Rav Kerzner’s piece, I will now commit to using this tactic in the ruchniyus world instead”

Being a Two-Faced Jew [Guestlines / Issue 1024]

As always, Rav Aryeh Kerzner’s article was very thought-provoking and profound. His point about the importance of “acting” the part until you actually “become the part” certainly rings true for me. When I left kollel and started working, I literally pretended to my friends and associates that I was enjoying a seamless transition, and meeting success at every turn. I dressed to kill and gave off the impression I was a business mogul. In reality, this couldn’t have been further from the truth. But the act, over time, turned into reality, and I ultimately became the man I presented to the world over the course of my journey. After reading Rav Kerzner’s piece, I will now commit to using this tactic in the ruchniyus world instead. I’ll start behaving like man I wish to be, with the sincere hope that HaKadosh Baruch Hu will assist me in becoming that man I aspire to be.

Y.S.

More Harm than Good? [Twin Peaks / Issue 1024]

Thank you for your wonderful article last week on the Metzger twins and the summer camp they run for mesivta boys. They’re truly talented people who are using their kochos for Hashem.

I’m a division head in what the article would call an “old-school” camp, where we don’t have a full first seder in the morning, and we have an intense three-day color war. Our campers range from 4th grade until 9th grade. I’d like to raise a few points about the advent of mesivta camps described in the article.

First, it used to be that parents wouldn’t have to pay for camp once their children reached mid-mesivta years, because their bochurim became staff members in camp and thus wouldn’t be charged to attend. With mesivta camps, an added financial pressure is placed on parents to continue to pay for camp, long after they previously had to.

Second, our precious bnei Torah are blessed to spend their young lives in yeshivah, many in a dorm setting, where someone cleans their rooms for them and all of their needs are taken care of. This is a tremendous brachah, allowing them to focus their energy on learning.  But then we expect them to transition straight from that type of life to being husbands and fathers, with all that entails. It used to be that for the few weeks of bein hazmanim, by working as camp staff, our boys learned how to step up to the plate, take responsibility for others, be sensitive to other people’s needs, and put other people before themselves. Instead, by sending them to summer camp as campers, we continue to show our youth that it’s all about them, and they will never be given even the small opportunity that camp provides to be able to learn these important skills.

Just as an example, when there is a concert in camp, a counselor’s role is to make sure everyone in the bunk is enjoying and feeling included. In a mesivta camp, a concert is all about having a good time and letting loose.

Third, and most importantly for myself, is that we “regular” camps now struggle to find high-quality staff. Serious yeshivah bochurim, who deserve a break from the pressure of the zeman, are flocking to these camps. This leaves us, who are entrusted by hundreds of parents with their precious elementary-school aged children, without choshuve bnei Torah as counselors. This is a terrible crisis. We all know what a good counselor can do for a camper.

How good would it be if we could take these mesivta bochurim into our camps and enable them to leave a life-long impression on their young campers?

So, as much as it is a beautiful thing to read about mesivta camps and their high level of learning and geshmak, I often wonder if there is more harm than good coming out of this.

A Concerned Head Staff Member

Englewood, NJ

A Slap in the Face [A Few Minutes with Yaakov Amidror / Issue 1024]

In answer to a question put to him about the investigations into soldiers accused of abuse at Sde Teiman, Mr. Amidror says the secret of the army is order.

I beg to add another dimension. At a time of war, soldiers go to battle because they deeply believe in defending their nation. They persevere in very difficult situations because they know their country backs them up. They do everything imaginable and more, knowing the people have never-ending gratitude to those who endanger their lives in combat so that others can live. They are aware of the dangers, but believe in their duty to enlist in a milchemes mitzvah.

Arresting them and publicly tarnishing their names is very disturbing. It’s a slap in the face of our soldiers, wounded, bereaved families, and hostages. It endangers Israel and Jews worldwide.

The false image conjured by these investigations is of a cruel, lawless army. The truth can’t be far enough from that ugly impression.

Anonymous

Relieved It’s Normal [Inbox / Issue 1024]

Thank you so much to S.M. Davis for pointing out in her letter that the relationship issues in the Picture This serial are pretty common.

I was getting more uneasy by the minute as my friends gushed over how crazy and dysfunctional the marriage portrayed there is.

I’ve been married for about ten years, and always knew that we’re both great people, but could each work on ourselves to better our communication patterns. When I finally realized that my husband wasn’t interested in going to marriage counseling with me, I reached out to a heimishe therapy clinic myself, and have been working hard for almost two years now to slowly improve our relationship. Emphasis on slowly. And sure, by me doing my part, there has been an effect on him and our marriage too.

As a young couple, my husband and I made some of the mistakes Estee and Yonah did, and it felt so validating to know that we weren’t the only ones struggling. When I heard people’s comments about how irregular this is, I was getting worried. Thank you again for letting me know that communication skills in marriage are often lacking, and it’s normal to need guidance!

I actually think relationship challenges are amazing opportunities for real, deep growth, not just superficial change. I hope you include in detail how Estee and Yonah improve their communication!

A Grateful Reader

Don’t Blame, Be Proactive! [Double Take / Issue 1024]

I enjoyed the Double Take this week about a family that went on a planned family Shabbos in a beautiful house their parents rented for Shabbos Nachamu. This beautiful experience was soured by frustrations I feel could have been avoided, or at least minimized. In case anyone else is planning such a special weekend with various families, be advised — this story could have ended differently. Be proactive so that your story does!

Here are some ways that Nechy and Liba (and the other siblings) could have prepared for this Shabbos more effectively.

1. They could have had an Erev Shabbos “men/boys ball game” for about a half hour before shower time. This would have done wonders to help the boys let off some energy from the long car ride. This also would have helped the boys feel included with the uncles and a part of the fun.
2. As the two oldest grandchildren, perhaps they could have been tasked, in advance, with singing a grammen or giving divrei Torah at various meals so they felt included and not a nuisance.
3. They could have made a mini father/son (or uncle/nephew!) learning session with treats to make it more attractive. Had the boys been properly engaged there would have been a much better feeling all around.
4. My favorite line: Effective communication goes a long way. If the siblings could have effectively communicated with each other, they all would have walked away happier. Imagine if Liba had told her siblings, “My husband and I usually switch off for our naps, so I’m resting now, but if you need anything, please ask him.”
5. The sisters also could have made a schedule to switch off with their husbands (or with each other as they tried to do), so that no one resented their shift with the kids.

Rivka Recht

Chicago

True Oneg Shabbos [Up to Date / Issue 1024]

Credit is due to the talented Yehuda Esral for so eloquently capturing this beautiful initiative, a gemach to help bochurim plan and finance shidduch dates, in the heart of BMG.

Articles like these are what give me true oneg Shabbos. Reading about a young man who, while dealing with his own shidduchim and maintaining his sedorim, decided to fill a void for others is truly inspiring. May room 119 in The Irv and the wider dating resource network continue to helping Klal Yisrael’s finest move on to the next stage.

Name Withheld

Viennese Mesorah Lives on in London [Streetlights and Shadows / Issue 1022]

I was very interested to read the article about Jewish Vienna, since my late mother’s family lived in Vienna before World War II and were members of the Schiffschul. The shul had over 400 seats and served a very large kehillah. In 1939, many of the young men and women of the kehillah were brought to London on a kindertransport by Rabbi Dr. Solomon Schonfeld and eventually set up their own kehillah in North London. Originally named Zeire Yisroel Beth Hamedrash and now called Beth Hamedrash Torah Etz Chayim, the minyan has been at 69 Lordship Road for over 70 years. The shul was extended in 1958 and is now undergoing further extensions. It was originally led by Rabbi Shlomo Baumgarten. Since 1981, the shul’s rav has been Rabbi Zev Feldman. The minhagim and the mesorah of the Schiffschul live on in London ad hayom!

Henry Ehreich

Hendon, London

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1025)