“It’s mind-boggling that anyone could think that a bochur’s ‘workload’ could even come close to that of a frum mother!”

Mothers Work Harder [Voice in the Crowd / Issue 1019]

Bochurim “bear the hardest workload of any demographic in the frum world,” writes Yisroel Besser in an attempt to justify not harping about the dangers of them vaping. Bochurim? Have the hardest workload? Bochurim?

Bochurim’s workday of “10 to 12 hours” can’t compare to that of a Jewish parent, specifically a Jewish mother whose “workload” is 24/7 without a bein hasedorim, off- Shabbos, or bein hazmanim. A mother who shares the responsibility for her family’s financial, social-emotional, physical, academic, and spiritual well-being while running a home of menuchah, simchah, and kedushah. A mother who does all this and more while sick or weakened by pregnancy or post-partum symptoms, while a bochur can recuperate in bed.

Are bochurim able to drink a morning coffee without being interrupted between sips? Can bochurim sleep through the night?

It’s mind-boggling that anyone could think that a bochur’s “workload” (or should that word be exchanged for “privilege”) could even come close to that of a frum mother! I would love for a frum hard-working/learning father to weigh in as well.

To conclude with my favorite joke: What’s the difference between a car and a frum mother? When a car runs out of gas, it stops.

A Hard-Working Mother

Lay Off Us Bochurim [Voice in the Crowd / Issue 1019]

Like many others, I, upon opening the Mishpacha, eagerly turned to Voice in the Crowd. As usual, “the bochurim’s lawyer” so eloquently described a feeling shared by many of us bochurim, that we need to lay off pontificating about the dangers of vaping and its rise among bochurim.

Without addressing the health concerns of vaping, Reb Yisroel brought up the duplicity of some who single out this as a major topic while ignoring many other glaring issues.

There seems to be an underlying issue at bay. Be it ignorance of what exactly a true yeshivah life entails, or perhaps jealousy, the condescending attitude by a (thankfully) minority of our community toward yeshivah bochurim is obvious.

I beg of you, look at what secular teenagers our age are up to. Think about what you shelter your children from.

Then, instead of looking at a bochur vaping outside the shul, imagine him learning there for the last two hours. Instead of focusing on the bochur taking that l’chayim at a wedding, imagine him sitting down the next morning to an almost 15-hour grueling day. And when you spot the untucked bochur during bein hazmanim coming late to the 10 a.m. minyan in your community, think about the months he spent in yeshivah holding up our world.

If you think your child doesn’t pick up the snide remarks, the gestures, and maybe even the blatant lashon hara that unfortunately persists, you’d be sadly mistaken.

Thank you, Reb Yisroel, for ceaselessly standing up for us.

A Bochur

We Need a Bigger Outcry [Voice in the Crowd / Issue 1019]

I want to thank Yisroel Besser for having the courage to say what he really thinks, which seems to be a dying trait. But with all due respect, his most recent contribution was horrifying.

I completely disagree with his assessment that writing articles will not make any difference. While it may be true that no one already vaping will drop his habit because of a magazine article, the main goal is to reach the people who have not yet started, to give them a little more conviction that they shouldn’t start.

Our attitude toward vaping should be one word — yuck. The same way it should be toward other dangerous and addictive behaviors. If we treated it that way, then it would be much less prevalent and certainly wouldn’t be a ticket to social esteem.

And what happens when these yeshivah bochurim who started addictive habits become husbands and fathers? Then what? Are we going to excuse being a community plagued by vaping, with all of the attendant negative consequences, because when our boys were in yeshivah, we were “virtuous” and turned a blind eye?

Another point that deserves mention is that if there is enough of an outcry from the community, maybe those in a position to influence bochurim — rebbeim, mashgichim, etc. — will say a shmuess once about why it is antithetical to the tzurah of a ben Torah.  Or better yet, they will just slip it in parenthetically as an example of something unbecoming. But until it penetrates public consciousness, that shmuess and that example will not be forthcoming.

I want to close with another thank you to Yisroel Besser. Thank you for raising my antennae so that when we look into yeshivos for my sons, I will make sure to ask what the yeshivah’s policy is toward vaping because, apparently, it is not to be taken for granted that there is zero tolerance.

A Very Concerned Father Learning in Kollel

Too Far and Not Far Enough [Voice in the Crowd / Issue 1019]

It’s always interesting to read Rabbi Besser’s pieces. His charming language and witty asides make for an enjoyable experience, no matter what the context.

His most recent piece made me feel uncomfortable, and it took me a little time to figure out why. In his deep love and concern for yeshivah bochurim, it seems that Rabbi Besser has come to be animated by a self-imposed rule: “If bochurim do it, I must defend it.”

I’m a wife and mother who is friends with other wives and mothers whose husbands or sons are smokers. When my friend’s husband made the switch to a vape, she was incredibly relieved. I felt the same when my son did the same. He’s taking in much less nicotine, his future cancer risks will im yirtzeh Hashem be lower, and the addictive properties of his vape are said to be less potent than those of the cigarettes.

As someone who sees vaping as a lesser evil with real benefits for certain people, how did I relate to Mishpacha’s three recent pieces about vaping? With curiosity. Did I feel attacked? Did I feel condescended to? Did I feel that Mishpacha has an agenda to put down bochurim?

Sorry, Rabbi Besser, but I did not. This is a current health issue, and our understanding of the long-term consequences is still developing. No one has to feel that our bochurim, or their value to the world, or their heroic hasmadah, are under attack just because Mishpacha publishes a few pieces relaying new information regarding vaping.

And when you discount whether anyone will change their behavior as a result of their reading, you are conveniently forgetting about the thousands, if not tens of thousands, of frum people who have switched to whole wheat, or low-carb, or gluten-free, or “clean eating,” or who make exercise a priority — as a result of the “drip down” campaigns with which health information was conveyed slowly and steadily through the media, and then through social pressure and new standards of “normal.” (By the way, this is actually taking place when it comes to smoking as well. The percentage of smoking bochurim is not as high as in the past.) Our frum oilam does change, and their reading material definitely plays a role.

So when Rabbi Besser reflexively paints this issue as an attack on bochurim who won’t change anyway, he is taking his “defend bochurim” campaign a bit too far.

Then there’s the other thing his piece did: it implied that mothers don’t deserve the same faith and trust that he automatically extends to bochurim. I come from a family that has lost more than one beloved relative to lung cancer. It was very hard for me when my son began smoking. But why does Rabbi Besser assume that when my son comes home for his “brief, well-deserved break from yeshivah,” I’ll be “hounding him”? I can’t be the only one who found this incredibly tone-deaf and hurtful. We mothers can read information about the health ramifications of certain behaviors and still be our sons’ cheerleaders and champions. We’re not that fragile.

You can’t be the Berditchever of the Bochurim if, at the same time, you are slandering the heroic mothers who direct their concerns about smoking or other risky behavior solely to the One Above, and shower their boys with love and celebration for every moment they spend over the Gemara.

That’s not the way it works.

Suri Katzenstein,

Lakewood, NJ

Public Discussion Is the Way [Voice in the Crowd / Issue 1019]

Yisroel Besser’s argument that another article or angle about vaping won’t stop a bochur from continuing may be true. But I wonder if he’d feel the same about the level of awareness and articles targeting unfiltered Internet usage, or the dangers of smartphones and oblivious parents.

Any time there is a phenomenon that can cause harm, be it spiritual, physical, or emotional, there will likely be an effort to raise awareness of the pitfalls of that phenomenon. It won’t stop everyone in their tracks, and probably won’t stop most. But through public awareness, inroads can be made, the needle can be moved, and parents of eight-year-old boys can approach the subject armed with awareness well before their child is subject to peer pressure.

We don’t have to agree with every campaign that is launched; maybe lace-top sheitels are also low-hanging fruit. But I don’t think Rabbi Besser’s argument that people should stop talking about the problem would hold water in other areas. Public awareness and discussion of any large-scale issue is one of many paths to a better Klal Yisrael.

Fayga Nathan

Looking After Health Is a Mitzvah [Voice in the Crowd / Issue 1019]

Despite my respect and admiration for Rabbi Besser, I completely disagree with his recent article regarding vaping. A series of articles about the health risks of vaping is relevant to all segments of our population and should not be viewed as specifically targeting bnei Torah.

Rabbi Avigdor Miller relates that he was once at a levayah of a kollel yungerman, and the maspidim were bemoaning the tragedy of a young man plucked from life at his prime and attributed it to the inscrutable ways of Hashem. Rav Miller said that to him there was no question why he died. The young man regularly smoked and was guilty of taking his own life.

Rabbi Besser further posits the futility of belaboring the point, even though the problem still continues to exist. The Gemara says that the mitzvah of tochachah applies even 100 times (or until the sinner hits the rebuker), and Hashem sent the neviim twice daily to rebuke the populace during Bayis Rishon. If there was a rifyon in a yeshivah in the areas of tefillah or learning, would a rosh yeshivah satisfy himself with a couple of schmuessen on the inyan? Certainly, he would think of implementing every possible approach to improve the situation.

The author also suggests that we should just ignore the issue of vaping since bnei Torah work very hard toiling in learning and need it to release stress. Would we use the same argument to justify bnei Torah who would want to speak lashon hara or view inappropriate material? If not, why is the mitzvah of v’nishmartem me’od l’nafshoseichem treated more lightly than the aveiros of lashon hara or histaklus b’arayos?

Our gedolim recognized that bnei Torah need to take breaks from their learning to clear their minds and regain their strength. They therefore encouraged bnei Torah to develop healthy forms of recreation. I saw a letter from Rav Mendel Zaks who said that the Chofetz Chaim would encourage his talmidim to get a proper amount of sleep and walk regularly. When I learned in the Philadelphia yeshivah when Reb Elya Svei and ybdl”ch Rav Shmuel Kamenetsky were roshei yeshivah, they rented a pool for the bochurim to go swimming on Erev Shabbos. (It was mandatory. I asked the Rosh Yeshivah for an exemption since I wanted to learn, and he said no).

I also disagree with the author’s view that there is no benefit in promoting a public campaign to bring awareness to the topic. There were many mitzvos that were unfortunately not properly observed in the past, but Klal Yisrael today are strictly observing these areas of halachah as a result of targeted educational campaigns. Some examples are shatnez, buying kosher mezuzos, and more recently, lashon hara, interpersonal relationships, and shemiras einayim.

Name withheld upon request

Infertility Is Expensive [Inbox / Issue 1019]

I’m the executive director of Small Wonders in Toronto, an organization whose mission is to support couples facing the immense challenge of infertility.

The couple I sat with today, in their early thirties, devout and upright, shared their heartrending journey. They’ve undergone countless IUIs and IVFs, reaching a point where even buying groceries has become a luxury they can’t always afford without help.

The tears flowed freely as the wife revealed she had asked her husband to sell her wedding band just to fund one more attempt at conceiving. Her husband, overwhelmed by emotion, couldn’t bear to see his beloved in such distress.

If you haven’t witnessed such desperation, it’s hard to comprehend. The love between them transcended earthly bounds; their bond, unbreakable. For those blessed with such a bond, cherish it dearly. To all couples awaiting their blessing from Hashem, may it come swiftly. Keep faith, keep praying. Remember, this trial isn’t a punishment.

Denise Levin,

Executive Director

Small Wonders

Shanah Rishonah Coaching [Picture This / Issue 1019]

Estee and Yonah are an adorable, healthy young couple, yet they are making so many mistakes. They have not yet learned some basic tools and values in marriage. They are struggling with being open with each other, putting their spouse first, communication, acceptance, respect, trust, and so many basic skills needed to make a marriage strong. This story is so realistic because so many young couples go through this. If only they could learn these skills, it would save them so much heartache and misunderstanding! We have chassan and kallah classes. Shouldn’t we have shanah rishonah classes or coaching without any stigma? What do you think?

Penina Eisenberger

Security Concern [Software Savvy/ Issue 1019]

A word of caution regarding the advice given about using ChatGPT in your business.

Yes, ChatGPT has provided much value to businesses across various sectors. Businesses are using it to enhance customer support by providing round-the-clock assistance, automating content creation, analyzing data, and streamlining workflows.

However, overlooked in the article were the security considerations. When integrating ChatGPT into operations, businesses must be vigilant about security, ensuring data privacy and confidentiality.

The power of ChatGPT lies in its ability to learn from vast amounts of input data. Its entire model is based on learning patterns, structures, and information from the data provided during its training. This means that the more data it processes, the more it learns and improves.

However, this also implies that any data fed into the model during its use could potentially influence its responses and the knowledge it generates. Sensitive business information and personal identifiable information (PII) should therefore never be loaded into ChatGPT. For example, never load any customer information into an AI model like ChatGPT.

Hackers have long discovered techniques to exfiltrate users’ personal data (even from within personal accounts) from ChatGPT and other AI models available on the Internet.

For processing sensitive data, businesses might consider using in-house AI solutions that keep data within the organization’s secure infrastructure.

In the case presented in the article regarding Shalom’s travel agency, the recommendation to use ChatGPT was indeed appropriate. The RPA sheets contained information readily available on the Internet. However, it is crucial for businesses to evaluate on a case-by-case basis what information is appropriate to feed into an AI model, considering the sensitivity and confidentiality of the data.

Yael Ball

Cybersecurity Consultant

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1021)