“More education in our system about what a marriage is and why we get married would benefit us all, me very much included”

You Connected Me to Him [The Moment / Issue 1015]

The beautifully written anecdote about soldier Yosef Green, who found a package of leftovers from a siyum in his honor, was not only gratifying to read, but for me, also a sign from heaven. As an American, I too signed up with one of the various websites for a soldier to daven for. Throughout the past few months, I have undertaken various segulos in the zechus for my soldier, but I kept on wondering if he’s still on duty or worse yet, if he was niftar.

Imagine my utter delight when I opened the magazine and there, in black and white, is the name Yosef Dov ben Rinat Rochel. He’s alive!

Thank you for gifting me with the precious knowledge and connecting me with the soldier I daven for.

May this war end speedily and may all our hostages come home now!

Fraidy Wurzberger

Sponsor an Avreich [Inbox / Issue 1015]

I am writing in response to the young lady who writes that she is looking for a learning boy in order to earn her Olam Haba.

I would first like to commend her on the value and appreciation that she has for Torah learning. I sometimes feel that it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to send boys to seminary, and then maybe we would also desire full-time Torah learning as much as the girls seem to. (At least I speak for myself.)

I also empathize with her for not receiving any shidduch suggestions. As a 25-year-old bochur for whom the suggestions have been few and far between, I can fully understand what the pain and disappointment must be like.

She seems to insinuate that anyone who is not in full-time learning has the sole goal of having a good Olam Hazeh. While I could write plenty in response to that, I think that just highlighting that point is sufficient.

If I understood her letter correctly, and I did reread it, I would suggest that instead of looking for a husband, she should approach the most elite kollel she can find and offer to support the best yungerman for life. That way she can devote all of her time and energy to earning the most money and have the least possible outlay and thereby earn the most Olam Haba.

I really think that more education in our system about what a marriage is and why we get married would benefit us all, me very much included.

Name Withheld

It’s All About the Rav [A Night to Remember / Double Take – Issue 1015]

As I read the Double Take about the shul’s learning program for men who didn’t want to learn b’chavrusa the whole night that ended up eclipsing the traditional beis medrash atmosphere, I pictured the fiery responses, from “Get with the times — shuls need to cater to a wider public” to “Why should the shul lower its standards to keep up with some young hippie version of learning?”

As with most (all?) Double Takes, there doesn’t seem to be one right answer or a clear derech. But one piece of the story struck me as truly disturbing: Why does this kehillah show so little respect to their rav?

Eliyahu showed straight-up disregard for the Rav’s approach here. And if it bothered him so much so early on, he should have spoken with the Rav in advance and clarified what this program is meant to be, communicated his concerns, and finally —accepted the Rav’s position on it unequivocally.

And Shuey — he “checked the boxes” in speaking with the Rav at the beginning, but when he saw the nature of the program was changing, he should have understood that the nature of the sh’eilah had changed as well.

It’s an unfortunate reality that today many shul rabbanim are at best seen as “old folks who aren’t with the picture” and at worst as puppets of a domineering kehillah intent on buying their rav and his opinions too.

As a prominent pulpit rabbi once told my husband: “Don’t ever let the shul buy your house.” Enough said.

Shuls with strong rabbanim may be few and far between, but we can still take an introspective approach here (for isn’t that what the Double Take stories are really all about?) on how we treat our leaders, how we ask sh’eilos to them, how we take achrayus for outcomes that were not within the purview of the sh’eilah. After all, a strong rav makes a strong kehillah — and it’s up to us to give him that strength.

M.K.

Jerusalem

An Omission and a Travesty [Passport to Life / Issue 1015]

The story of Tadeusz and Zbigniew Brzezinski was very interesting. However, I must call out Gedalia Guttentag for a major omission: he mentioned Raoul Wallenberg without mentioning Carl Lutz, a travesty that must be corrected.

First and foremost, there would be no Raoul Wallenberg without Carl Lutz. Lutz, a Swiss diplomat, set the framework for saving Jews. He developed the plan and with his own money, against the wishes of his handlers in his country. He did not have the financial backing of Wallenberg. Yet he taught Raoul everything he knew.

Lutz negotiated with Hungry to issue 8,000 letters of protection for passage to Palestine. He issued many more, making sure that the document numbering never exceeded the 8,000. He acquired 76 safe houses on behalf of his country.

Life dealt him a terrible blow. Upon returning to Switzerland, he lost his job and his pension. After I pointed it out to them, many who thought they were saved by Wallenberg did research and found out that they were really saved by Lutz. One person you can talk to who falls in that category is Leon Goldenberg, who was a staunch advocate on behalf of recognizing Raoul Wallenberg.

Another comment I would like to make is with respect to the article “Shalom, Shahid” about Yaron Avraham the ger from a Muslim family in Lod. I do not understand how the political powers in Israel fail to hear the truth of his statements and his understanding of our enemy. Why can’t the leadership acknowledge that Sinwar, Arafat, and all the other Palestinian leaders are telling the truth when they say they want to annihilate Israel and its people? How can they be corrupted by the false belief that they are dealing with people who can be reformed?

The only answer is force. Israel must stop capitulating to the Western world.

Eliezer Cohen

There’s a Source [Guestlines / Issue 1014]

In Rabbi Plotnik’s guest column, he quoted Rav Meir Shapiro relating a story about the Maharshal instructing a person to rise from the dead. I would love to know the source of that story. Did Rabbi Plotnik hear it from someone who heard it from someone else, or is it written in a sefer by a talmid of Rav Meir Shapiro, or perhaps Rav Meir Shapiro himself?

Name withheld

Rabbi Plotnik responds:

Thank you for reaching out.

Incredible as this story is, it is absolutely true and well documented. Although I had first seen it mentioned in a secondary source, I must credit my friend and colleague, Rabbi Dovid Aharon Gross shlita of Cleveland, for providing me with the original source, written by the Maharshal himself in a kuntres in which he describes the event, and even mentions how he addressed the malach in Shamayim on his note as “Yedidi!”

The father-in-law of Rav Michel Twerski, the Faltishaner Rav, who was a talmid of Rav Meir Shapiro, related this story firsthand from his rebbi. One can find it in the sefer titled Zichronam Livrachah on page resh samech heh.

Rav Aharon Kotler was very nispo’el from this anecdote and said that it should serve as a great inspiration for us as to the power of Torah and those who learn it.

I appreciate the opportunity to share it with the Mishpacha readership and for your part in it.

I Was at the Asifah [Perspective / Issue 1014]

I well remember taking part in the massive tefillah gathering on behalf of Soviet Jewry that Rav Aryeh Zev Ginzberg referred to in his piece. Our esteemed menahel, Rav Manis Mandel ztz”l, led the recital of Tehillim, after spending years encouraging us to daven on Soviet Jewry’s behalf and being nosei ol with their plight. Once the Iron Curtain was lifted, Rav Mandel was among the first to accept girls from Russia into our school (Yeshiva of Brooklyn). He also taught us to refer to the girls as “Yidden from Russia,” not as “Russians.” (The girls felt bad — in Russia they were called “Yidden,” and in America, the Yidden called them “Russians”!)

What I never knew was that a “yungerer bochur,” Rabbi Ginzberg himself, was behind the asifah. What a zechus! What a man!

Shevi Furst

Waiting for Your Call [Inbox / Issue 1014]

I feel compelled to respond to the letter entitled “Please Hold the Judgement” which appeared in last week’s edition of your magazine.

I have heard it said that if everyone went for financial counseling, there would be no need for a tuition committee. I strongly disagree. I meet with couples all the time. Typically, both work full time, earn respectable incomes, yet struggle to meet their monthly expenses.

Compounding matters, the husband may feel insecure at his job because younger candidates are willing to work for less, and the wife’s hours may have been cut due to a business slowdown. Meanwhile, their rent and children’s tuition, to say nothing of the price of gas, food, and other necessities, have gone through the roof.

My heart goes out to them.

First, it’s important to acknowledge the resilience of couples like this, and there are many like them in Klal Yisrael. They are hardworking people who would never accept tzedakah. They want to be givers, not takers. They’re heroes — quiet, unsung heroes — who continue to meet the challenges of raising a Torah home, despite facing daunting obstacles every day.

I’d like to share how we try to help. Our job placement division actively seeks higher-paying positions for them. Given that they may be bumping up against the (illegal) age discrimination glass ceiling, we suggest that they might want to go into business for themselves. “What skills do you possess?” we ask. “Do you have any business ideas?” We encourage them to write a business plan and offer them access to volunteer CEOs and CFOs willing and eager to discuss the potential of their start-up.

We also offer interest-free gemach business loans, which, depending on circumstances, can help them start a business or grow an existing one.

Then there’s financial coaching. While it may not solve all their issues, it may be able to help mitigate some of them. Living Smarter Jewish offers financial coaching at no cost. Their coaches volunteer to help guide them to a more stable future, hopefully.

To the writer of this letter, I feel your pain. While there are no simple solutions, I’d like to meet. Perhaps by working together we can find ways to improve your situation. In the meantime, you have my highest respect.

I don’t know who you are, but I’m waiting for your call.

Alan Rosenstock

Tomche Shabbos of Rockland County

Rockland Chesed Network

Tzedakah Reform [Inbox / Issue 1012]

I’ve been following the back-and-forth in the Inbox about aniyim raising the standards of living.

I was recently speaking to a young man from Lakewood who is in the process of buying a new house. I asked him how he could afford to, and though he was hesitant at first, he admitted that unfortunately he did not have children the first few years of his marriage, and being that his wife was bringing in a nice income, he was able to put $2,000 into the stock market every month. But a prominent organization covered all the costs of his fertility treatments!

Here’s what I don’t understand. To get a tuition break, you have to declare what type of cars you drive and how much money you make, etc. Why is it that I donate to an organization that helps someone who is putting his own money into savings?

Additionally, I recently spoke to one of the top job finders in Lakewood about salaries. A couple in Lakewood in which the wife is working for two years at a good office job can be making $70k annually, plus getting $13k from kollel, plus most couples get support from their parents. Shouldn’t there be a screening process to see who needs money instead of just giving everyone tzedakah equally?

A young kollel wife in Lakewood who has been married for five years told me that every single one of her friends has an eternity band. These are couples who are getting money from tzedakah organizations I give to, but my own wife does not yet have an eternity band. Wasn’t tzedakah always about giving to those that really need it? Because unfortunately there are plenty of people who desperately do.

Name Withheld

Society Doesn’t Know Best [Ask Rabbi Greenwald / Issue 1011]

As a girl in shidduchim, I simply cannot resist responding to this column in which a mother says her daughter wants to know if she should stretch the truth and say her daughter wants a short-term learner when she really wants a boy who works.

Let’s be real for a minute. Who is marrying the boy? You? Or the peanut gallery? Anyone and everyone is going to have an opinion on most choices you make in life and… that’s okay! We need to start living according to our values and what we think is important, not by some standard society created that we are scared to deviate from.

Furthermore, this is not fair to the boy. How can you misguide him by saying that you want a learner when you really want someone working? And if by some miracle he can’t see through your “misrepresentation,” and you end up getting married, how is this a healthy foundation for a successful relationship and marriage? It is based on a lie, unless he is also learning because society is telling him to do so. When did shidduchim turn into this game?

Before starting shidduchim, it is extremely important to develop self-awareness and a strong sense of self so that you can enter the dating process (and eventually marriage) knowing who you are — your strengths, weaknesses, triggers — knowing what you are looking for in a spouse and the type of home you would like to build.

This next statement may sound radical to some, but it is something I strongly believe: You are marrying the boy, not his plan. The characteristics and qualities of the boy himself (along with basic hashkafic alignments) take clear precedence over his plan. Is he self-aware? Giving? Able to provide emotionally, physically, and financially? Is he humble? Growth oriented? Is he genuine and sincere about the path he pursues in life? Does he have depth? Is he kind? Personable? Authentic? Does he have a love for Yiddishkeit and Torah learning? A rav he consults with?

I urge you to look at the bigger picture, dig deep and get in touch with what you want, not what society claims to be best.

Anonymous

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1016)