“Reading your question, what jumps out at me immediately is your deep desire for authenticity”

Moderated by Faigy Peritzman

We’ve recently moved to a new community that is far to the right of the one I grew up in, especially as far as dress and media exposure go. This was a conscious decision on our part as we do want to raise our children in this type of atmosphere. But right now my kids are still young, and I’m struggling with several of the community’s standards that are hard for me to adapt to so quickly. On a public front,  I feel like my style in dress seems out of sync for this community. But also privately, no one around me seems to enjoy my ways of downtime,  like reading secular books, or listening to secular music. While I understand the values behind these ideals, I also feel like I need to be myself.  How do I balance striving to grow without pushing myself too hard and too fast?

Ruchi Koval is a kiruv rebbetzin, parent coach, author, public speaker, mother, and grandmother.

Reading your question, what jumps out at me immediately is your deep desire for authenticity. Authenticity is the quality of being genuine or real — meaning, you’re not one person in public and a different person in private. I love that this dichotomy bothers you. It shows your deep desire to be real.

But how can you be true to all parts of yourself?

The Gemara (Yoma 72b) discusses that a talmid chacham must be “tocho k’varo,” someone whose inside reflects his outside. The gemara refers to the aron kodesh here — it was made with gold on the inside and the outside. No one sees the inside, so why use expensive gold for that? This is a lesson for us in authenticity. Our inner selves must match our outer selves.

One component is your concern not to be disrespectful to your new community’s standards. The second concern is your children’s growth. The third component is your own self. Will you be denying yourself what you need to fit into your community?

Any time we have a conflict with several values we need to rate those factors. in order of importance. Which ideal stands out the most? Is it my community, my children, myself? When you figure out that answer, you’ll know how to direct yourself.

Suppose you decide that your needs are the most important to your stability right now, and you choose to focus on that rather than change in line with your community’s ideals. Does that make you a faker? No, it makes you human. Your focus must be on what is most genuinely you — which is your highest ideal. Once you have that focus, you can slowly stretch yourself to make small changes in your other ideals.

The key here is slow. We’re not here for short intense sprints in our growth; we’re here for long-term marathons. Real growth is messy and uneven and sometimes looks jagged or even contradictory. But the ultimate goal is genuine growth. And the way to train for that is through slow, but steady growth.

Shevi Samet is a wife and mother, educator, kallah teacher, and Core MMC.

I think you want to change. And I think you also don’t want to change. Is that a contradiction? Not at all.

The Gemara in Berachos 17a tells us that Rabi Alexandri would add his own words after his tefillos, including the paraphrased statement, “Our will is to do Hashem’s Will. But who gets in the way? The yetzer hara.”

The truest, most authentic part of ourself wants to connect with Hashem as He has prescribed. But there are multiple aspects of a person and there are levels and gradations of wants. There’s what my neshamah wants… what my body wants… what I want now… what I want later.

You have many wants. You want to fit in and also want a connection to where you came from. You want your children to grow, and don’t want to feel pressured.

Our wants are complex and dynamic. So when someone says, I want to grow spiritually, but I also want those parts of me that are more mundane, then both are true. They’re different wants. And they’re all real.

People often struggle with this concept. If they want to grow, why do they also want to do things that aren’t conducive to growth? Does it make them hypocritical? Or realistic?

When we talk about being hypocritical, what we’re really describing is discomfort stemming from misalignment. We’re not comfortable acknowledging that what we wish for and how we’re behaving aren’t synonymous. Feeling hypocritical is acknowledging the truth. And the discomfort in that is an important component in growth. It propels us to make a change.

The world is currently obsessed with (its definition of) authenticity. But that can hold people back from growth. Doesn’t growth require us to imagine a version of ourselves that doesn’t yet exist? Of course, in the beginning we won’t feel totally like “us.” But that kernel of discomfort will propel us to continue making changes as we gradually, with intention and seichel, align our aspirations with our actions.

But it begins with aspiration. And that’s where you’re standing now. How do I want to show up in my relationship with Hashem? That’s the first step, pure and potent. It’s the part of us that’s not tainted by all our other wants. And slowly, with consistent focus on that goal, we allow ourselves to become our true selves in our avodas Hashem.

Elisheva Kaminetsky is a wife, parent, grandparent, principal, adult educator, consultant, and kallah teacher.

Kol hakavod for being such mindful parents. That what you’ve chosen for your children isn’t where you’re most comfortable is a relatively common phenomenon. It stems from feeling dissatisfied with where we’re holding,  so we compensate by offering our children something more pristine.

This can be a beautiful goal, and as parents you  can avail yourselves of this environment and be inspired toward growth yourselves. At the same time, you must be cognizant of the danger of raising your children this way when you’re not really looking to change yourself.

This concept is highlighted by the Minchas Elazar from Munkacs, when discussing the topic of the ben sorer u’moreh. The pasuk states that such a child “does not listen to the voice of his father and mother.” The common assumption is the child doesn’t listen to his parents’ dictums. However, the Munkacser Rav stresses that the reason he doesn’t listen to them is because he senses conflict within them. He never heard the voice of his father learning Torah according to the standards they expected of him. He never heard his mother speaking in a positive way, even though she always told him it was important. And because he sensed this double standard, he rebelled.

Children are incredibly observant, and they’ll immediately hone in on a double standard between you and their schools. When children see that gap, they either lose respect for their parents or for their school system, thwarting your efforts for them to grow.

This isn’t a black-and-white situation. Every community has standards that are absolutes and those that are in the gray category. The gray can lie in a space where you don’t have to lose your identity, but you can still reach those higher absolute values.

As parents, you have to be in sync to address the issues you’re facing. Are you bucking the absolute rules, or are you simply respecting your own family’s unique flavor within the realm of what’s allowed?

The determining factor to decide these lines is finding yourself a rav within the community who can appreciate where you’re coming from and where you want to head.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 915)